5 year old wasn't in the assembly today im so angry right now am I overthinking this???

[lambran]

Today was the 1st assembly since covid where the parents were allowed into watch, my son is 5 in year 1 of a mainstream school and has global developmental delay and is immature for his age im fully aware of the issues he has but he was so looking forward to the assembly and was even picked to tell a joke to the parents for comic relief day so the teacher told me.

The assembly started his not anywhere to be seen, I sat for an hour so disheartened wondering why he wasn't there, I asked at pick up to his teacher (with myself in tears on the playground ) why wasn't he involved and was told he got really upset before it started and they couldn't calm him down and so didnt take him in (she said they was going to try and get him to come in half way) but never did even though his teacher did leave half way through i think to get him and he said to her he wanted to stay with the TA doing drawing.
I said to the teacher but surely that's never going to give him the opportunity to get involved if you don't push him into it. Words were said I can't fully remember what now I was very teary and its always a rush when you do pick up.

When he came out of school his told me straight away "mummy I wasn't in the assembly" and he told me in his own little way that he got upset because- he wanted to do one of his jokes-(its not very funny i admit but its funny to him) and he made it up with such joyment this morning using his imagination and he wrote it out him self with wondeful writing and the teacher said no and he had to do his other joke(though he also made it up, made more sense and was funny)

Im so disappointed and angry his been excluded 😭 he does get upset very easily i understand but if he stopped crying by the a few minutes later than surely they should have said right you've calmed down so let's go in now or they could have put him in by their side and if he didn't stop crying then take him out or even got me to see if I could calm him down or even told me so I didn't sit for a hour getting worked up why he wasn't there.

Am I thinking to much into this ive cried so many tears this evening?
I just want him to be included and not sidelined out I know his different to the other kids but his still my loving little boy

I cant help but think they wouldn't allow him in because they only wanted the sitting quietly still children to show off the school. If parents weren't there he would normally go to assembly

Thanks for reading

@lollipoprainbow no. A TA who understands that ALL the children's needs are important. The needs of one child do not override all the other children's needs and experience. If a crying distressed child is forced to be part of an assembly that is not only completely wrong for the child but also will ruin the other children's assembly experience.

With kindness, I think you are being unreasonable.

I'm also a SEN parent with a five year old. They did what, at the time, was best for your child. Unfortunately often these big things are all too much for our children and they end up missing out no matter how many adjustments are made. That's sad but the fact is I think it's far better to have let him calm, then offer him the option of joining in (which he declined) then to have taken him in when he's said he was happy colouring and risk upsetting him in front of the whole school and parents which not only would have been horrible for him it would have been awful for you too.

I understand you're disappointed not to have seen him and I totally get how the little things are huge, emotional big deals to you (they are to me too). But the school have acted in his best interests here. Maybe have a chat with them next week about how they can maybe let you know if something like this happens it can be hard if it's a big school but ours is a tiny one so I often get a hurried email from the office if something is really amiss. But calm down. Crying at the teacher isn't going to help you here.

@lollipoprainbow
What would you have done in this situation then?

The TA and teacher followed the childs lead.

@Sirzy I completely get what you are saying. I can’t explain why as outing but I’ve seen this from school and parent side.

The best teacher I’ve ever had for my ds once told me her secret. She was universally loved by the parents and I complimented her on her very supportive approach to us as parents. She said “in this classroom I take the starting point that whatever a parent says or does and however it may be put they first and foremost almost always want the best for their child who however old is still their baby”.

What was so impressive about her was that she instilled this expectation in ever staff member who worked for/with her an combined this attitude with a real authority.

She didn’t just do what parents wanted but explained things in a way they could understand and was receptive to their ideas.

@Macaroni46 yes of course the NT children must always come first.

As lots of PPs have explained, there will have been other children with SEN in the hall. This one child didn't want to go in so was kept in his classroom. How would forcing him into the hall have been the right decision?

[quote lollipoprainbow]@Macaroni46 yes of course the NT children must always come first. [/quote]
The teacher has to balance the needs of all the children.

@lollipoprainbow you're being deliberately provocative now.
First of all, grouping all the other children as NT is inaccurate; there is often more than one child with SEN in a class plus it is my firm belief that ALL children have individual needs.
What I'm saying is it would not be fair for one child (whether they be SEN or NT) to spoil the experience of all the others.

@Macaroni46 I know it’s hard to teach but this element is being equally important to the actual teaching. Some teachers manage to do it so well - so it is doable.

Also actually saves teachers time in the long run. The teacher I mentioned up thread was probably not dealing with stressed parents as much because she preempted so many issues I think!

[quote MissHavershamReturns]@Macaroni46 I know it’s hard to teach but this element is being equally important to the actual teaching. Some teachers manage to do it so well - so it is doable.

Also actually saves teachers time in the long run. The teacher I mentioned up thread was probably not dealing with stressed parents as much because she preempted so many issues I think![/quote]
This is wrong. The idea that if you are a good teacher you can do it.

No.

I'm an excellent teacher but cannot meet the needs of all my wonderful class without the amazing support of our ELSA, LSA and HLTA.

Alone, I fail every day.

I don’t think I said you needed to do it alone. The teacher I’m referring to had support. But she put good, empathetic communication at the centre of what she did. It should be how people are taught to communicate with all parents but particularly SEN parents. So many of these things start with misunderstandings that are very easily avoidable.

Op, in the nicest possible way, you are over reacting a little. Of course you want to see your little one in the play. I wanted to see mine in the nativity and instead got a photograph of him Dressed as a king and clearly in floods of tears. He didn't want to wear the crown, and everything just went downhill from there and he wasn't in the play. He was in his classroom drawing. But that was his autism making him highly stressed in an already fraught strain. Just like your little one.

Realistically you know the play has a structure. He can't just dictate that he wants to go off script, just to please his mum. Yes there are times where schools bend the rules or try new things to help stretch kids to try new tubs but the first play in two/three years isn't it.

Unfortunately children with additional needs have to have this put in place for when they just can't cope. And that doesn't mean giving in to their demands, it means doing what is best for all of the children. My DN has similar to your LO and he is 6. He can't go on school trips as he is a very real flight risk and the teacher was up front and explained to my sister that she worries about him every play time, never mind walking around a busy seaside resort. So my sister took the hint and decided to keep him away from school trips for his own safety (and her and the teachers sanity). But One Day, in a a few years, I'm sure he will be fine to do it. He's just not able to right now.

@MissHavershamReturns

I don’t think I said you needed to do it alone. The teacher I’m referring to had support. But she put good, empathetic communication at the centre of what she did. It should be how people are taught to communicate with all parents but particularly SEN parents. So many of these things start with misunderstandings that are very easily avoidable.

Your implication was that 'good' teachers can do it.

I'm sure the teacher would have loved to have spent time empathising with the op, helping the TA to encourage the child into assembly etc. But the reality is that this is impossible when supporting 30 other children though an assembly.

Parents and schools need to work together but there needs to be empathy and understanding on both parts.

How do we know the teacher wasn't empathetic?

There was probably no physical way to communicate with the OP during the assembly. TA with her son and teacher responsible for the class.

We don't know what was said at the end of the day. Even the OP doesn't. All we have is 'words were said' which sounds hostile from the OP.

I think that the fact that the teacher didn't give up on him, and that they actively tried to bring him in part way through, says a lot.
It would have been far easier for the teacher to have put him out of her mind and got on with the very stressful business of conducting a class assembly of five year olds in front of their parents. But she didn't, and she should be commended for this.
She clearly wanted him to succeed and kept his well-being in mind even while in the midst of wrangling the 29 others in a performance.

In return, she got "words..said" at the end of the day.

I think it's fantastic school asked him a second time and he felt comfortable saying no he didn't want to join. The best thing for your son is that he can advocate for himself.
If you force him to do something he is not comfortable with, you are teaching him his needs come second to yours/his teachers etc. This is not a lesson you want him to learn as he'll be open to mental health issues /abusive in later life. Allow him to choose when to do the big scary things, knowing he won't be forced (there's years to try this stuff so no hurry).

So YABU as school did absolutely the right thing. However I totally understand how upsetting these events are- I have 2 boys with SEN who sometimes participate a little and sometimes not all - it upsets me that they find it so difficult. That's my issue though. My sons would be more upset being under pressure to perform than missing it. The teacher asks them if they want to have a role and often doesn't give them lines. My eldest is growing confidence and has lines this time (he may not or may not read them on the day), he will probably be fine with it one day, my younger one may never wish to take part - that's ok it's his choice - he is not being excluded.

@MissHavershamReturns not disagreeing re communication being important. However during the school day the teacher's priority is the children. Without additional adult support available, I'm not sure how the teacher was meant to physically have the time to communicate with the OP? We sadly don't have the funding required to provide the sorts of staffing levels you're talking about.
For mainstream teachers, there often simply isn't capacity during our teaching day to offer one to one communication with parents. Often there isn't even adequate time to eat lunch or go to the toilet!

I am also the mother of a SEN child and there is a kind of grieving process as it is (sometimes slowly) revealed what they can and can't manage and when that diverges from what you were expecting/hoping for it is very painful...

You need to really think about this and perhaps need support to do so. The school really made the best judgement call they could and it wasn't ok for you to 'have words' with the teacher.

There is a long path ahead of you and there will, sadly, be many more times that you will feel like this. Now is the time to work on your acceptance so that you can be the best advocate for your son in the future and try and work with schools and teachers.

am also the mother of a SEN child and there is a kind of grieving process as it is (sometimes slowly) revealed what they can and can't manage and when that diverges from what you were expecting/hoping for it is very painful...

This is so true. It may be quite taboo to say it (which doesn’t help anyway) but it’s true. We all have an expectation of what having a child will be like and when it becomes obvious it won’t be anything close it’s hard. It doesn’t mean you love the child any less you just need to accept the new normal.

I actually had a course of counselling for what I thought was a different issue but the impact everything has had on my mental health soon became apparent and that was a massive help in my acceptance of where we are now.

It’s a long bumpy road but allowing yourself to acknowledge that is a big step on it.

@mastertomsmum

It’s a bad school that can’t handle anyone different. Switch asap. My son wasn’t ASD, they tried to pin it on him, he turned out to be a clever clogs ahead of the rest. A primary school switch revealed this.

Some schools are one size fits all and all about‘compliance’.

The school seems to be caring and tuned into OP’s son’s needs, though. There is no evidence that it “can’t handle anyone different”. The child’s individual needs were addressed, and changing schools over this situation hardly seems to be in the child’s best interest.

Imagine if the op''s son had ruined the assembly for all the other children ? The other parents would not have been happy, and the teacher/ta would have had to deal with the fallout.

@jessy100

Imagine if the op''s son had ruined the assembly for all the other children ? The other parents would not have been happy, and the teacher/ta would have had to deal with the fallout.

That’s a shitty comment nothing would have been ruined for all and I would hope parents could get a grip and not be too bothered about a tearful 5 year old in an assembly had he actually gone out there.

I think you are being quite naive to make that comment. There will have been 20 something other children, some of them no doubt with sen as well!

Ruined was probably the wrong word to use.