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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

DS says other child is put on pedestal by teachers and cries about it most days

128 replies

Santosi · 12/12/2020 08:34

I only have DS's account but here it goes.

He is in y5, did always well in school and still does... anyhow, this year is is in class with a DS if friends. Let's call him Sam. Sam is also bright and his parents are wealthy. As a result, Sam gets tution several times a week from a private tutor to prepare him for the entrance exam for a independent secondary school. So Sam is bright, works hard and gets a lot of tutoring outside school which puts him ahead of the class. Fair enough.

However, DS is coming home daily telling me how teachers fuzz all day about Sam. How well he does. He gets class awards for amazing learning most week (documented in the schools newsletter so defo not made up), got the main part in the class' Xmas performance (filmed, not live), gets to help the teacher in marking other students work. Last week Sam marked DS's work and DS perceived it as the ultimate humiliation. DS says if the teacher has a tricky question it is always put to Sam first... I could go on and on. He says Sam also boasts in school about private tution, that his parents will put him into an expensive indy school...

As I said, I only have DS's account but I have friends who have kids in the same class and they report the same stuff at home so I think there must be some truth in it.

I keep telling DS that he is amazing. That I don't care what Sam does it does not and the he should just focus on himself... but he is 9 and feels that school is extremely unfair and decided there is not point in working hard as noone cares as he is not Sam.

Not sure what I am actually asking....

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FelicityPike · 12/12/2020 08:40

Think your son is used to being the “clever one” in his class and he can’t cope with coming up against someone “better” than him. He’s getting jealous. It’s a good lesson for him to learn that he won’t always be the best in everything.
Just keep encouraging him I suppose.

happinessischocolate · 12/12/2020 08:40

If several other parents are saying their children say the same maybe you should all email the school with your concerns.

My kids are at the end of secondary school now and there's been several occasions whereby certain classmates are "adored" by the teachers and treated differently.

1 boy at junior school was good at footie and was training at the Man U academy, the headmaster fawned over him like he was the 2nd coming. Shame it only last a year before he gave up footie for good because if too much pressure.

mrsm43s · 12/12/2020 08:44

Your son sounds jealous.

Original poster

Santosi · 12/12/2020 08:45

Think your son is used to being the “clever one” in his class

that is not DS, really not and he is not the top of the class bright anyways.

OP posts:

nimbuscloud · 12/12/2020 08:46

Why is Sam marking the other children’s work? Is that normal in schools ?

ArtemisBean · 12/12/2020 08:47

If the teacher really is getting Sam to mark his peers' work I would certainly have something to say officially. That is wrong on so many levels and I can completely understand your son feeling humiliated by that.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 12/12/2020 08:48

Your son does indeed sound jealous, but if "Sam" (and only Sam) is seriously marking the other children's work, that is not ok, and I would use that to open a discussion with the teacher.

Original poster

Santosi · 12/12/2020 08:48

Why is Sam marking the other children’s work?

because he is 'helping' the teacher as he is so bright. Sam is 9. I don't know if this is normal. Maybe schools do this to encourage some children.

OP posts:

Insertfunnyname · 12/12/2020 08:49

@nimbuscloud yes often the children Mark their own or their partners work.

Depends in this situation if it’s only the other boy Doing it or all the kids have a go

nimbuscloud · 12/12/2020 08:50

I’d ask the teacher to stop allowing him to mark your son’s work.

MsTSwift · 12/12/2020 08:50

Not much you can do but boost him up.

Dds friend at secondary is adored by teachers. She’s a very can do jazz hands type. It is rather wearing for dd who is not as adept at self promotion. The thing that really irked was when the friend was chosen for a pre Oxbridge talk and dd wasn’t despite dd being considerably more academic! Not sure being smiley and helpful will get you into Cambridge but there you go 🙄

AvoidingRealHumans · 12/12/2020 08:51

I have the same kind of issue. My son has 2 girls in his class who have teacher parents in the school, one is the deputy head.
These girls get picked for everything and get preferential treatment in general, especially the daughter of the deputy head. He is in year 5 and this has been going on since reception.
I haven't said anything to the school as I realise and can see from the replies on here that it wouldn't go down well. A few of the other parents have said it to me so I know my son isn't jealous or imagining it.

I just told him that its the way of the world, some people just get a bit better treatment due to favoritism or whatever it may be.
I would rather work on him being able to rise above it and not be upset than tackle it with the school who would downplay and deny no doubt.
It is hard but just keep focusing on your son and try and get him to a place where it doesn't bother him.

Fedup21 · 12/12/2020 08:51

@Santosi

Why is Sam marking the other children’s work?

because he is 'helping' the teacher as he is so bright. Sam is 9. I don't know if this is normal. Maybe schools do this to encourage some children.

We do peer marking where children might swap work to mark-not at the moment though as we are trying to restrict contact.

Your DS sounds very jealous.

flapjackfairy · 12/12/2020 08:51

Yes complain about the marking of work ! It can't be an acceptable practice in any school surely !
I would be going in hard on that one and it might be worth outlining parents concerns 're Sam and the favouritism going on as well. Sounds like a rubbish teacher to be honest !

Porridgeoat · 12/12/2020 08:51

You need to work on your sons self esteem so that these things don’t rattle him. There will always be someone better and someone worse at things. Feeling secure in himself will benefit him long term.

It probably boils down to jealousy on your sons part. If you are a particularly competitive family who link achievement with value, this is quite natural fallout.

Support your son to think about qualities in people that really matter. Kindness, being a good friend, helping others who are stuck, you will take a step towards him valuing different qualities rather then achievement.

ineedaholidaynow · 12/12/2020 08:53

Peer marking is quite common, but all children do it not just a favoured one.

Clymene · 12/12/2020 08:53

Are you sure they're not marking one another's work?

HallFloor · 12/12/2020 08:53

If it's all true, I can understand a sense of injustice but crying daily, from a 10yo, seems a big reaction.

You need to talk to the teacher but part of that conversation should be about supporting DS's resilience.

BiscuitDrama · 12/12/2020 08:53

With the marking of work, was it a ‘swap with your neighbour and mark each other’s work’ scenario? Check before you get upset about that one, I think.

Otherwise, I think you need some specific examples and to mention it to the teacher.

HoneyWheeler · 12/12/2020 08:53

Peer marking/assessment is a normal part of daily life, but teachers usually do try and exercise some judgement about who is partnered with whom.

If you have serious concerns about unfair treatment then I would recommend speaking with the class teacher first.

If you think it is just one of those things, I think perhaps more focus should go on your son? What I mean is, what is he really saying when he is speaking about Sam? I he says Sam gets all the praise, is he really saying 'I feel like I get no praise'. You could acknowledge that - I mean it is hard! I'm in my 30s and it's hard, so I know it's hard when you're 9.

A useful statement is 'you wish'. Eg "Sam always gets prizes and everyone always praises him", a response could be "Yeah, I hear you, you wish you got loads of prizes too, hey?". I think sometimes we want to take away these uncomfortable feelings our kids have, but really what they want is for us to say "yeah that sucks".

Obviously you are the expert on your child, and I am not, but I am a teacher and have seen these situations before. Hope it resolved itself soon.

Thirtyrock39 · 12/12/2020 08:54

There's always a child in each year group like Sam. I certainly don't advise contacting school about it as a previous poster said.
The Sams of the world are the ones who always get the lead roles in the play etc and in my experience every new teacher thinks they're the kid who's nice and well behaved but overlooked - when they're actually always the one chosen for everything. It used to really frustrate me with my oldest dd but often it's not that great for The Sams- other parents get a bit resentful and I always think these kids don't get a chance to experience any knock backs and so are less likely to be resilient when older.

Original poster

Santosi · 12/12/2020 08:55

Agree, DS is jealous but I think many in class are. Is that not a rather normal reaction for 9 year olds if all the awards, main role etc always go to the same person? They care kids after all. Maybe I am unreasonable and it's fair and well to give this extra recognision to Sam. After all, he is bright and works hard.

Just worried a bit as it took all his motivation for anything away.

OP posts:

ArtemisBean · 12/12/2020 08:55

Yes, it's one thing if the whole class is being told to swap sheets with the person next to them, and your DS just happened to get Sam. But if the teacher is literally outsourcing her work to a brightest kid in the class, that's outrageous!

Porridgeoat · 12/12/2020 08:55

Being picked for everything is worth pointing out though. That would suggest favouritism. It might be worth asking the teacher how she ensures opportunities are spread equally through the class (keeping a record) and what does she do when children perceive unfairness (then explain situation from DS point of view)

However your son really needs to start valuing different qualities. He will have a hard life if he judges his own worth by academic achievement as there will always be someone better

Namenic · 12/12/2020 08:56

He’s nearly in secondary school where there will be so many more subjects. The harder he works now, the better position he will he in when he gets there (and Sam will go somewhere else).

There were people who didn’t particularly shine at school who went on to be v successful.

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