DS says other child is put on pedestal by teachers and cries about it most days

[Santosi]

I only have DS's account but here it goes.

He is in y5, did always well in school and still does... anyhow, this year is is in class with a DS if friends. Let's call him Sam. Sam is also bright and his parents are wealthy. As a result, Sam gets tution several times a week from a private tutor to prepare him for the entrance exam for a independent secondary school. So Sam is bright, works hard and gets a lot of tutoring outside school which puts him ahead of the class. Fair enough.

However, DS is coming home daily telling me how teachers fuzz all day about Sam. How well he does. He gets class awards for amazing learning most week (documented in the schools newsletter so defo not made up), got the main part in the class' Xmas performance (filmed, not live), gets to help the teacher in marking other students work. Last week Sam marked DS's work and DS perceived it as the ultimate humiliation. DS says if the teacher has a tricky question it is always put to Sam first... I could go on and on. He says Sam also boasts in school about private tution, that his parents will put him into an expensive indy school...

As I said, I only have DS's account but I have friends who have kids in the same class and they report the same stuff at home so I think there must be some truth in it.

I keep telling DS that he is amazing. That I don't care what Sam does it does not and the he should just focus on himself... but he is 9 and feels that school is extremely unfair and decided there is not point in working hard as noone cares as he is not Sam.

Not sure what I am actually asking....

Have a word with a couple of other parents, and see if they will go with you to see the teacher or the head because this type of thing is demoralising to other children.

I really wouldn't do this. I don't think it's right. I think the way forward is working on DS's reaction to it all.

It sounds very odd but I’d use it’s a teaching tool. It’s an opportunity to talk to DS how except for a tiny handful of people, we are always coming up against people who are better than us at things. The trick is to admire, see if there is anything you can pick up from observing their approach, and focus on working as hard as you can on your own skills, subjects and interpersonal skills.
Talk about friends you and his dad have who are successful without being naturally top of the class or academic. I know quite a few and they worked really hard; know their field; are great to work with, and have outperformed more academic peers.

I was super academic but I’ve never earned large amounts because of the choices I’ve made. Nor am I revered in any field. DH who left school at 16 with 5 O-levels has achieved much more professionally. None of it fell into his lap though, and his progression would have been faster had his background encouraged him stay in education until at least 18. He now has level 7 qualifications but they’ve been gained while working and over many years.
There was a “maths genius” in my DD1’s year at secondary school, DD1 was seen as gifted academically but nowhere in his league mathematically. Everyone just seemed to accept that he was exceptional and a thing of wonder, not comparison. If he did well in National competitions they were proud “their boffin” beat other schools’ boffins.

@Santosi

Well you may as well teach your DS that he should accept favouritism and patronage based on wealth so that he can go on to accept unfairness and inequality in society, and that there is no point in challenging a class/wealth based attitude 🤷🏻‍♀️

This child would not be the brightest in the class without private tutoring, but encourage DS to accept inequality and know his place.

I'm a teacher and if Sam finished his work quickly he would be given a challenge to do for that subject that would stretch his ability further. His teacher should be planning for this as she knows he is likely to finish. I always have extra challenges ready for when the children finish and this is what is expected from teachers these days. Sam certainly wouldn't be doing my marking!

Many posters on the thread are teachers.
Peer correction is usual.
He isn't marking, that's not what peer correction is.

I think sit the teacher down and tell her your son is crying because his confidence is low and he’s comparing himself unfavourably to Sam daily. Also he points out how much better he is constantly. Then she knows the issue and can deal with it. She’s not psychic

Peer marking is a thing ...but usually they all take part not just one child !

I’d agree, this isn’t about Sam. It’s about your sons jealousy and dislike of him. That’s what you need to focus on.

As he grows up he is always going to meet people who get more attention, are more successful, better looking, more talented, whatever. And he needs to learn to focus on his own achievements, to compete against himself, snd how to manage negative emotions.

The only person being hurt right now is your son. And he’s doing it to himself. Swiping away his envy with well other kids are too, isn’t helping him.

I get it’s complex to help him. Much easier to try to stop Sam getting attention, but that doesn’t help your son at all. Becayse what are you going to do as he grows up, there will always be another Sam.

I'm quite sorry for the other also only 9 year old in this situation, who hasn't sought out tutoring for himself, or to be bright and ahead of the class, or to be singled out to other kids in this way. May be worth feeding back to the teacher for both children, as they presumably won't want to teach a bright child that he's going to be disliked for being too successful. Or to not mention anything that others may perceive as privilege as this may cause them to be prejudiced against him. Staff behaviours are not only leading to upset from the kids who aren't Sam, but also drawing negative attention to Sam, and he's now got a reputation with kids and parents that isn't a nice one for him or likely to help his social experience in school.

The self esteem of the other kids, and coping with winning, losing and competition, is something that needs a class wide if not schoolwide approach to help your son and not single him out any further, plus it doesn't sound as if he's the only child feeling like this.

He says Sam also boasts in school about private tution, that his parents will put him into an expensive indy school...

Well your son (and you) can take comfort in the fact that his behaviour isn’t as crass as Sam’s.

Encourage your son to be more resilient. Sam is achieving a lot and is being congratulated. Having such resentment towards a child does't make you sound great, OP. Sam doesn't realise he could be making your son upset but he's perhaps just proud of his achievements.

He says Sam also boasts in school about private tution, that his parents will put him into an expensive indy school

Your son should ask Sam if he really is so bright why he needs private tuition

Feel sorry for Sam as when he gets to his private school, what’s the betting that there are a lot of children who are naturally brighter without the need of hours of tuition. I think Sam’s parents are trying too hard and Sam is going to pay the price eventually

@Santosi

Why is Sam marking the other children’s work?

because he is 'helping' the teacher as he is so bright. Sam is 9. I don't know if this is normal. Maybe schools do this to encourage some children.

It certainly happened when i was a child - state school in an area with a HUGE socioeconomic gap, the spread of abilities in my class was vast, and the higher ability children were often tasked with marking when they'd finished their own work, to stop them getting bored and frustrated while the other children caught up and the teacher dedicated attention to the ones who were really struggling.

@TheSilentStars

Many posters on the thread are teachers. Peer correction is usual. He isn't marking, that's not what peer correction is.

Peer marking is used in schools but it means all the children swap work and mark each other's work. Often it is used for things like spelling tests, but if it is done properly children peer mark a The work of a child of a similar ability.is going the teachers marking for them, and in the meantime is able to see how well each child in the class is doing.... could be difficult when it comes to book scrutinies!

Tell him to stop obsessing over Sam. You too.

Dare To Be You by Matthew Syed is an excellent book for kids of your DS's age about self confidence and following your own path rather than looking to others. Both my DDs read it and said that it really made them think. Might be worth a go?

Your son should ask Sam if he really is so bright why he needs private tuition

Don’t ask your son to do this, it’s childish and doesn’t help him.

Teaching him to focus on his own achievements, understanding that there will always be those who achieve or habe less than him ans more than him, who will get more or less attention than him and that his envy is just making his life harder.

Instead he needs to focus on working hard, achieving what he can, and being able to say he did his best, and that he is proud of his own achievements, what he worked to achieve, knowing he did th work.

It’s an ideal time to teach him, because he’s now old enough to understand. It’s a hugely valuable life lesson. Stopping Sam getting attention, or asking the teacher to give your son more, or encouraging him to make cunty statements to Sam, isn’t going to help him learn to deal with his emotions.

And if he does not learn it, and learns his resentment snd envy are well placed, his behaviour understandable he’s going to have a very miserable adult life.

Help him now and nip this in the bud, because as said, there will always be another Sam.

Well said Bluntness100

Fucking depressing how spiteful and childish some of these suggestions are.

Fwiw if your son really is crying about this every day you need to be dealing with his resilience and self esteem and stop fixating on another child who is doing well in life.

Having had two kids go through primary school at two different schools, plus seeing all my friends and relatives’ children, I’m afraid there are a lot of Sams around. Teachers can’t seem to help themselves in heaping praise and prizes on a small number of children and ignoring others.

At times the desire to contact the school to complain is almost overwhelming. In year 6 my DD was the 1st violin in the orchestra, in the senior dance troupe and selected to do a solo in the choir. Yet the performing arts trophy went to a teachers pet with little talent or interest, who only participated because her friends did.

I bit my tongue and bought my DD a little gift in recognition of her efforts and ability and explained that these prizes are subjective. Now she is in secondary school and they love her, because she does very well in academics as well as singing, dancing and playing three sports. She’s managed to develop a confidence that isn’t reliant on outside recognition. Primary school prizes are long forgotten and she just gets on with doing her best and enjoying herself.

In contrast my DS was always loved by teachers in primary school and received lots of prizes, but now in secondary school he thinks if he’s not the best he’s a failure. So ultimately I think that being rewarded when he was younger didn’t help him in developing resilience and self confidence.

I would stop focusing on Sam and encourage your son to do the same. There's always a Sam if at school, work, hobby etc.
Speak to the teacher about your son having a dip in confidence but don't make it about Sam.

I bet Sam's life has its own stresses and isn't all rosy. He will be off elsewhere by Y7 and provably find himself pitting against brighter children than himself.

I really feel for your son. Whilst we can all focus on helping our kids be resilient and manage jealous feelings, I think it's also ok to name unfairness when it's there, and say that it's painful.

I'm a nurse and I would quickly become fed up if there was a 'nurse of the week' award at work and I never got it despite working hard, or if the same colleague always got allocated the 'nicer' project work without there being a clear rationale or way for others to express an interest.

Agree with the other comments about marking - unless it is a 'swop with someone else and mark' whole class thing, it sets a power imbalance and I would be unhappy about this. There must be other extension work this child could be doing if he is finishing work quickly. I would be unhappy if one child was being used as a teachers aide

In this situation I think I would highlight that my child is struggling with confidence to school and to the martial arts instructor and that some meaningful praise/feedback would really help xx

Confident people with 'can do' personalities get on better in life. I presume the same applies to children too.

That said, boastful, obnoxious people don't tend to be well-liked. 9 yo's aren't known for their tact and sensitivity, but, if Sam doesn't learn to button it and be more considerate of others, he's going to have trouble later on.

However, it's the teachers' job to look past personalities and nurture all children, so I'd maybe have a word if your DS is struggling with his confidence to see if there's anything they can do to help. I wouldn't mention Sam, though - that's just going to sound like petty jealousy.

Ultimately, though, you have to be your child's no. 1 fan. So big your DS up at home for all the things he tries hard at and achieves.

@Santosi

agree, the crying is too much and I te DS it's not worth it etc.

Do you think there’s underlying issues here? Is he being picked on or teased by the boy?

Not teased but the other boy tells DS that he is brighter than him and that he can learn so much more because he gets tutors. Also, they are in the same taekwondo club and DS is a higher belt. But Sam keeps telling him that actually he (i.e. Sam) is better even though that is not true. But that has nothing to do with school as such. Sam certainly has a lot of confidence (and DS is lacking some). I think I need to work on that with DS more than anything. He is what he is, and not what Sam says he is. But he doesn't get that for some reason. It's tedious.

I think you need to point out to your son that only people who need extra support get tutored. People who are keeping up with their work from their own efforts don’t need their parents to fork out hundreds of pounds to try to kept up.

Also that most parents would rather spend time with their own children rather than pay other people to spend time with them. Poor Sam.

All not true really, but might give your son a comeback if Sam is really bugging him about being tutored. Tell him to preface it with a sad face and “My mum thinks. ...... “

*I think you need to point out to your son that only people who need extra support get tutored. People who are keeping up with their work from their own efforts don’t need their parents to fork out hundreds of pounds to try to kept up.

Also that most parents would rather spend time with their own children rather than pay other people to spend time with them. Poor Sam.

grin

All not true really, but might give your son a comeback if Sam is really bugging him about being tutored. Tell him to preface it with a sad face and “My mum thinks. ...... “*

Why on earth would anyone think this was a clever thing to do/say?

It's not clever or amusing, it's spiteful and bitchy.

I started reading all the replies to this but only got about half way down so sorry for not reading everything on here.

However I wanted to comment and give a slightly different viewpoint to those I read (apologies if a PP has mentioned this).

My DH was Sam. Oh, he didn't have the extra tutoring but he was exceptionally bright and the teacher didn't bother to push him, instead she used him as a teaching assistant. He had to go around the class whilst they were all working and help those that were struggling, and mark the work of those that had finished. He didn't mind. In fact perhaps that is what set him off on a lifelong love of teaching which had definitely been a vocation for him. Still super bright which a v good degree but he loves teaching and so chose that as a career over a graduate scheme that all his uni friends were going in to.

However, despite the fact that DH liked his little helper role, MIL had no idea this was happening. She somehow found out and was absolutely livid. Sending her kid to school just for him to help all the other kids work and not learn anything new himself? She hit the roof, stomped into school and demanded the headmaster do something about it. DH was swiftly moved up a year group and then when he was in year 6 and had to repeat the year to be old enough to move to secondary they made sure he was getting enough extra work to push him (which apparently wasn't really enough but MIL had to put up with this)

Anyway my point is, does Sam's mum know that this is going on? If Sam is being tutored it sounds like mum knows that he is not being pushed but has she any idea of the extent of it? I discovered my DS's teacher wasn't pushing him in year 5 so I had a moan at parents evening end luckily with a new teacher in yr 6 it isn't an issue. But perhaps you should mention it to Sam's mum as she may be able to do something about it. Maybe move him up a year group, maybe send him to the posh school a year early if it's a prep school?