DS says other child is put on pedestal by teachers and cries about it most days

[Santosi]

I only have DS's account but here it goes.

He is in y5, did always well in school and still does... anyhow, this year is is in class with a DS if friends. Let's call him Sam. Sam is also bright and his parents are wealthy. As a result, Sam gets tution several times a week from a private tutor to prepare him for the entrance exam for a independent secondary school. So Sam is bright, works hard and gets a lot of tutoring outside school which puts him ahead of the class. Fair enough.

However, DS is coming home daily telling me how teachers fuzz all day about Sam. How well he does. He gets class awards for amazing learning most week (documented in the schools newsletter so defo not made up), got the main part in the class' Xmas performance (filmed, not live), gets to help the teacher in marking other students work. Last week Sam marked DS's work and DS perceived it as the ultimate humiliation. DS says if the teacher has a tricky question it is always put to Sam first... I could go on and on. He says Sam also boasts in school about private tution, that his parents will put him into an expensive indy school...

As I said, I only have DS's account but I have friends who have kids in the same class and they report the same stuff at home so I think there must be some truth in it.

I keep telling DS that he is amazing. That I don't care what Sam does it does not and the he should just focus on himself... but he is 9 and feels that school is extremely unfair and decided there is not point in working hard as noone cares as he is not Sam.

Not sure what I am actually asking....

With the marking of work, was it a ‘swap with your neighbour and mark each other’s work’ scenario? Check before you get upset about that one, I think.

I am not upset. and DS says it's not the swap type of marking (they sit nowhere near each other) but only Sam helping the teacher (in part as he works quicker and finishes work sooner than the rest of the class so has more time).

Your son does sound jealous which is natural but is the main thing you should work on addressing.

@MsTSwift you'd be surprised how far a can do personality will get you in every aspect of life... A pre-Oxbridge talk is the least of it

I would be very surprised if Sam is marking other children's work. Schools tend to have strict marking methods, down to which colour ink to use and what you're allowed to write in their books if something is wrong, eg no writing an 'x' next to incorrect answers in our school.

The only exception I can think of is when informal tests are done on loose paper eg a quick spelling test that is going to be binned afterwards. Sometimes the whole class might mark each other's work but even that doesn't happen much in our school.

SLT would be extremely unhappy if the same child won certificates every single week. There is also a focus on making sure every child has a chance to answer in lessons, eg not always asking the child who has their hand up.

Your DS' school seems to have a very unusual approach to things if this is how their classes are run.

You are doing the right thing. I wouldn’t mention or ask about Sam and if your ds brings him up in conversation and says it’s unfair, yes listen but try not to comment too much and if he is really upset perhaps point out that Sam is getting lots of extra help. I would not talk about another child to anyone bar close family, especially with other parents, it comes across as uncaring and bitchy... remember this is a child.

I don’t think you can change how others act towards someone else’s child. There will always be contemporaries of our children who garner more praise and attention through their deeds. I think most parents wouldn’t want their children to be people pleasers and all the long term baggage that carries, which this scenario has the potential to be with always trying to be top of the class.

You can change your child’s focus; they are not defined by being top of the class because in reality and the wider world there will be children who are more clever and more brilliant than Sam, there always are. Yes, life is unfair and people buy advantages for their children but that’s a theme which will continues throughout their life and we all have to navigate it. Focus on something that your ds does which Sam has no access to. And if sams list of achievements are regaled to you by other parents I would say ‘that’s nice’ a la Mrs browns boys.
Remember life is a long race and you don’t want to peaked too soon when you are in y5.

The only exception I can think of is when informal tests

pretty sure it is informal tests only but the message to the other children is the same.

Anyhow, will try to get DS to focus away from Sam. I feel silly for approaching school about it.

Thanks for the responses.

While it's true that children of this age have to learn a bit of resilience, I'd have a quick word with the teacher. You don't have to say that he feels the other child is being praised too much but just say your DC is feeling a bit insecure at the moment and is there anything they can do to boost his self-esteem.

I had a similar situation with my DD at the beginning of Year 6. She is one of the quiet, well-behaved children. Past teachers had always praised her good behaviour so she didn't feel overlooked and she got upset when she felt she wasn't being noticed for all the good things she was doing. I had the chat with her at home about how she might be over-sensitive about it but I still mentioned it to the teacher as it got to the point where she didn't want to go in, which is very unlke her. A few extra words of praise thrown in did wonders and she soon settled.

I'm a primary teacher myself and would always want to know if one of my pupils was upset about something in school. Just keep it about what your DC is feeling, not about treatment of the other child.

You would be better helping your child talk to the teacher about this. He could do it with a group of friends who felt the same if they feel the same. In private. They can discuss the unfairness.

However you need to be helping your son see the bigger picture. Enriching Qualities that are more important then high achievement . There are other qualities that as a family you should be valuing. Your son will be taking his lead from you and your values. He also needs to find humour in the situation also. Seeing the funny side can help highlight the ridiculousness

I believe you OP. I have come across this twice. First at a small private primary and more disturbingly at a state secondary, where they almost built a cult around certain children and one girl in particular.

The only thing you can do is speak to the school and say how it’s coming across and that it’s damaging your DS’s self esteem. If other parents also say something, it may stop. If not look for another school.

Dear teacher
Not sure if you've noticed but Xxxx confidence is woefully low at the moment..I'm getting quite concerned about it... anything school could do to help bolster him would be appreciated.
Thanks

Xxxxx mum

@Santosi

With the marking of work, was it a ‘swap with your neighbour and mark each other’s work’ scenario? Check before you get upset about that one, I think.

I am not upset. and DS says it's not the swap type of marking (they sit nowhere near each other) but only Sam helping the teacher (in part as he works quicker and finishes work sooner than the rest of the class so has more time).

Again, our SLT would not be happy with children finishing early and then sitting around marking work! If a child has completed all their work that early then it's clearly not challenging enough. Ours would be set extra tasks, not be given the teacher's admin to do.

I have two children - one who is a "Sam" and one who is very much like your son, with a "Sam" in their friendship group.

My experience is that being "Sam" also comes with its own pressures. Its not easy being in the limelight all the time either and the expectations Sam feels will be huge.

All you can really do is focus on boosting your son's confidence and self esteem, and distracting him from getting bogged down in jealousy which doesn't help anyone. And possibly take steps to put some distance between them in secondary. DD2's Sam is at the same secondary and still a bit of a golden child. But it matters less now that they are not constantly in the same class.

I think this is life. Some people sail through life, getting an easier ride.

I think something needs to be said to school. It’s knocking the confidence of other kids which is really sad for them. I used to try so hard but the same 3 kids won or were picked for everything, their parents were on the governors! By the time I left year 6 I stopped trying because I didn’t see the point.
In the classroom the top of the class kids got all the praise for their amazing work, but put in half the effort to me on lots of occasions. It’s the same with my step daughter now, she really struggles and spends hours on her work after school to try catch up and never gets recognised for this effort. My friends kid in her class can spend 10 minutes on her homework and be in golden book, my step daughter can spend 2 hours on it and get a good written in the corner.

I’m a teacher and try so hard to pick different kids all of the time.

It sounds like Sam will be the one whose personality and social life will suffer the most from this treatment from the teacher.

I was a somewhat Samlike at school back in the day. The head used to call me out of class over many years to do all of the fun jobs around the school that needed doing like bringing messages from class to class, photocopying with the old blue ink photocopiers and guillotining, greeting guests as the school representative etc. I was easily ahead with my work so I was treated well by class teachers too. I also was given parts in school plays/singing etc

While I really did enjoy all the responsibility there was another aspect that wasn’t fun because as you are finding my peers were not enamoured with me being singled out in that way.

To be honest I don’t think it is appropriate for either Sam or the other children. Maybe approach it from the impact it is having on your child, the fact that speaking to other parents you believe it is having on others and finally the impact that has on Sam. I actually think I would say it. I don’t think it is fair and that is what the children are reacting too. Children apparently psychologically have a very strong sense of what is fair and right.

[quote Insertfunnyname]@nimbuscloud yes often the children Mark their own or their partners work.

Depends in this situation if it’s only the other boy Doing it or all the kids have a go[/quote]
Peer marking, when everyone does it, fine. If it’s just Sam doing it, not so much.
I know it’s a long time for a kid, but he’ll be off to private school after primary. And if he doesn’t and ends up at your ds’s school, I imagine his time as the chosen one will be over as rarely do secondary teachers have time for that.

I do believe this goes on but I dint think there is anything you can do about it other than work on your DS reaction to it. He is learning that life isn’t fair and some people are treated better than others unfortunately.
If it makes you (and DS) feel any better I expect Sam will come a cropper when he gets to Secondary and is surrounded by wealthier and brighter kids.
As the great Philosopher Jack Sparrow once said “the problem is not the situation, it’s your reaction to the situation”

I'm a teacher and a parent. Yes your son sounds jealous which is normal but the marking by 'Sam' is not normal and not a good message to send. I would definitely approach school and ask about it. Explain from your sons point of view- hes only 9. I would be fuming.

I think you need to take the focus away from Sam and talk to the teacher about how your son is struggling and what can be done to boost his confidence.

In a lot of ways DS is probably seen as a Sam but that is because of the nature of his needs he needs to be treated very differently from his peers. I don’t think you can ever expect every pupil to be treated exactly the same but none should be left feeling bad

If Sam is finishing work more quickly and accurately than all other kids in class regularly then it sounds like he is very academically able. I can well imagine a scenario where Sam is then dispatched to mark/support other students with work as a stretch opportunity for him. I think it’s worth remembering that having a child in your class that’s far and away more able than any other is really difficult because you have to find ways to stretch that child as much as other children are stretched by the normal work.

I’m not saying that your child is making it up or whatever, I’m just saying that it’s something to consider before speaking with the teacher. I’m sorry your DS is struggling with this.

We have a similar situation. DC1 gets great parents’ evening reports (good attitude, works hard, kind etc) but never gets the rewards that others in their class get. They have a reward points system which runs over the whole year with certificates given at various points - one child is already in top band before the end of 1st term (must on average be getting 2 points a day - don’t know what they’ll do when they reach the top with 7 months to go!) while my dc is the only one still to not get first certificate. I don’t understand why dc is trailing so far behind with points when they throw them out like sweets to the select few. The top child is apparently unusually bright but I’m skeptical whether that in itself deserve higher praise. It’s even more irritating when I know that child is quite unkind to others. I don’t see how approaching the school will be seen as anything other than me begging for my dc to be given more points though.

You need to work with your DS on how to not be as jealous though, crying daily seems an overreaction to this. Do you think there’s underlying issues here? Is he being picked on or teased by the boy?

agree, the crying is too much and I te DS it's not worth it etc.

Do you think there’s underlying issues here? Is he being picked on or teased by the boy?

Not teased but the other boy tells DS that he is brighter than him and that he can learn so much more because he gets tutors. Also, they are in the same taekwondo club and DS is a higher belt. But Sam keeps telling him that actually he (i.e. Sam) is better even though that is not true. But that has nothing to do with school as such. Sam certainly has a lot of confidence (and DS is lacking some). I think I need to work on that with DS more than anything. He is what he is, and not what Sam says he is. But he doesn't get that for some reason. It's tedious.

Have a word with a couple of other parents, and see if they will go with you to see the teacher or the head because this type of thing is demoralising to other children. Children are acutely aware of 'fairness', especially at school. This Sam is being praised over and above what is normal. To have him mark your DSs work is appalling.

Please don’t start gossiping with other parents about one of the children!

Peer correction is very usual.

A 10 year old crying because another child does better than him at school is not. You need to ask the teacher if something is going on (leaving "Sam" and his intelligence and family money out of it because you sound jealous)