DS says other child is put on pedestal by teachers and cries about it most days

[Santosi]

I only have DS's account but here it goes.

He is in y5, did always well in school and still does... anyhow, this year is is in class with a DS if friends. Let's call him Sam. Sam is also bright and his parents are wealthy. As a result, Sam gets tution several times a week from a private tutor to prepare him for the entrance exam for a independent secondary school. So Sam is bright, works hard and gets a lot of tutoring outside school which puts him ahead of the class. Fair enough.

However, DS is coming home daily telling me how teachers fuzz all day about Sam. How well he does. He gets class awards for amazing learning most week (documented in the schools newsletter so defo not made up), got the main part in the class' Xmas performance (filmed, not live), gets to help the teacher in marking other students work. Last week Sam marked DS's work and DS perceived it as the ultimate humiliation. DS says if the teacher has a tricky question it is always put to Sam first... I could go on and on. He says Sam also boasts in school about private tution, that his parents will put him into an expensive indy school...

As I said, I only have DS's account but I have friends who have kids in the same class and they report the same stuff at home so I think there must be some truth in it.

I keep telling DS that he is amazing. That I don't care what Sam does it does not and the he should just focus on himself... but he is 9 and feels that school is extremely unfair and decided there is not point in working hard as noone cares as he is not Sam.

Not sure what I am actually asking....

My Ds was in a class where one of the other pupils was the son of the teacher.

You couldn’t have a private word with her because her son was always there.
If you said anything in front of him he would then pass it around the class. (He was a nasty little shit)

Ds cottoned on that she would go through the lesson the night before with her son then in class would ask everyone what they knew about a certain topic and when no one put their hand up the teacher would ask her son who would tell everyone what he knew. Then praise him for being so bright. Even when someone did put their hand up she deferred to her own child.

Any prizes given out.. guess who got them.
Any special awards .. guess who got them

It became so blatant.

I can understand your Ds getting demotivated. Telling your child to try hard when any effort is ignored because of the favourite child makes it so much harder

Just got DS.

Guess who got the star of the term certificate for showing minted parents who can afford private tution to put their child ahead great attitude to learning. I mean I know this kid is doing a lot and this extra tution must be tiring for him too (e.g. he never ever plays out as he is always busy learning whilst DS is meeting friends after school) but we are living in a deprived area. Lots of families depend on food banks, they cannot put enough food on the table let alone afford private tutors. And the school has a relatively high number of children with SEN who probably also try their damn hardest.

it's just a shame that it all seems solely focused on academic outcome. DS wasn't too upset about it though and I take that a win

That is a win!

"Just worried a bit as it took all his motivation for anything away."

"and decided there is not point in working hard as noone cares "

These are serious self esteem issues. That need to be addressed.

And crying every day. Is not normal. Can't you see how ott this is.

Even if Sam is a pain! And being favoured. Which happens.

And yes peer marking is normal. But not Sam marking everyone's. I'd ask teacher not to allow Sam to mark ds's.

But you really need to get to grips with this. Ds1 is bright, but when he got to secondary, many children (15 or so in top set maths) were so good at maths that they never, and I mean never got lower than 97%, in every single test, in 5 years of secondary, including the actual GCSE exam!

So get used to it!

Hiding this thread as finding it hard to read how much you dislike and talk down this poor child for a situation he didn't choose and isn't his fault.

I'm glad your son is enjoying his certificate.

I'm glad your son is enjoying his certificate

he didn't

... how much you dislike and talk down this poor child for a situation he didn't choose and isn't his fault.

it's not the fault of the other 29 kids either or is it

It sounds to me that Sam is academically ahead of his peers, and as such the teacher is needing to challenge and stretch him- that will be the reason he is given targeted challenging questions to answer. As for marking the others work, I'm not sure. We use peer marking sometimes in our school where children will be paired up to mark a partners work in order to encourage them to look for ways to improve their own work. It wouldn't necessarily be the person who usually sits next to them- it would be a carefully planned exercise and pairs chosen who could help each other.

If your son cries about this every day it sounds more like the issue lies with him rather than the teacher or the other boy. He must be 9 or 10 years old so old enough to have a little resilience!

Yep we have two in the year group DD1 is in. The junior school is particularly brazen for the favouritism of it as well - exact same kids in the newsletter every single week for getting merit awards - week in week out - loads of other parents notice and comment on it.

One child is generally just a polite hard working boy (DD has a huge crush on him as "he's good at maths" - hope she keeps this as criteria for selection of future boyfriends) but the other is pushed and coached and very over the top about how clever she is and how much she knows and how she's the smartest in the class (I've spent a lot of time with these kids and seen it for myself) - and thankfully DD isn't in the same class this year as it was starting to hit DD's self-esteem. There's also a bit of an undercurrent of the child stirring up kids to do things that they shouldn't be - knowing that they'll be the ones who get caught and the teacher wouldn't possibly believe angel child put them up to it (DD was daft enough to fall for this far too many times!)

DD's now wised up to the dynamic and when the list of who's got awards that week comes out she's like "oh those two did like normal" and just carries on looking for her mates' names on there. Now she's that bit older I've openly told her that there is favouritism out there in life and I'm not X's mum - so I only care that DD is doing what SHE should be doing and trying her best - she's starting to shrug it off a lot better now, but it did hit her confidence for a while as I think the child in question showed off by putting DD down for a bit (they were probably the closest match among the girls for academic ability at the time).

It is hard to say because quite a lot of your post is about how ds feels and it is quite clear he is jealous of Sam. The marking work thing probably didn't help but if it was a one off then I wouldn't worry. If you think it is an issue for your ds, I would speak to the teacher and say honestly that ds is always measuring himself against Sam and is demotivated. Can they try and boost his self esteem a bit? I would also however be giving a bit of tough love to ds in the form of saying the nice and encouraging part and then telling him to stop moaning about Sam and focus on his own progress. Sometimes when you provide too much of an audience for this kind of complaining, it encourages it and the child actually thinks that they are completely justified!

My DD felt exactly like this last year in Y5. Never recognised for hard work and same children chosen for certificates/lead roles/prefects/helpers. And she did feel jealous of a couple in the class because she couldn't understand it.
Roll on Covid and she spent a lot of time during lockdown on worksheets she found on the internet and reading. The class took tests in September Y6 and she came top with her marks and has consistently stayed at the top. She feels great about it as do I. Teacher has still not acknowledged she got top marks...it's a way of life and my DD is happy with what results show and not what teacher(s) say or do.

I agree with Michelle. You are so bitter about this child that you are struggling to see any point of view other than that of your jealous DS. His jealousy is probably fuelled by you. How do you know that Sam's parents don't work a second, or third, job to pay for the tuition. You say that the school is in a deprived area. It's a generally accepted view that education is a way out of deprivation. Sam's parents may well hold this view and are doing everything they can to make sure that he does as well as he is capable and assuming there are no grammar schools, that they are pinning their hopes on an independent school to help him achieve this. They may well be relying on a bursary to pay for it. And if the kid ends up with an amazing degree and a fabulous job then maybe they will feel they achieved their aim. Stop getting so sour about it and teach your kid that there are high fliers in life and that to be one you need to put yourself out there, not whine about those that do

I know this kid is doing a lot and this extra tution must be tiring for him too (e.g. he never ever plays out as he is always busy learning whilst DS is meeting friends after school)

It sounds like the reason this boy is doing well is because he is putting in the extra work and making sacrifices. Generally, if you want to succeed in life you do have to go the extra mile. I'm not condoning the teacher's favouritism (though teachers do tend to favour students who work hard) and I understand that not everyone can afford extra tuition, but why don't you do some extra work with your DS at home to improve his school performance? This might build his confidence. It would also be a useful life lesson that, while we can't always be the best, we can improve significantly if we make the effort.

@Santosi

Maybe the teacher just likes Sam more

I am sure teachers prefer some students to others but I would expect a teacher to rise above that and not show their blatant favourism when it comes to a classroom full 9 year olds.

They should but they don't unfortunately. I've had both Sam and your DS so see it from both sides and even I thought they were unfair prioritising my-child-who-was-Sam. It's a good point that it will happen throughout life. Even in the workplace you get bosses favouring popular people, even those who might be lazy or incompetent. I've had to work much harder to boost my other child's self esteem by focusing on him and his positive qualities but he's getting there now. Everyone still adores my 'Sam' child, although he's also kind and would never put down other children like the Sam in your school. I would say he's not as much a grafter as other children, possibly because it's come easier to him. So there are downsides.

It's good advice to help him to deal with negative emotions. But not to ignore them, and shame him for feeling them like some posters are suggesting. That's just as bad as indulging them.

I feel sorry for your son. In the workplace, blatant favouritism would and should be frowned upon (at least it would be at mine) so I don’t see why this should be ok just because it’s a primary school. I can’t believe the school is being so short-sighted and unfair. Rewarding just one child is not right, and I don’t blame your son for being envious.

The teachers at my daughters’ school recognised all children in their different ways, which is as it should be, and shared rewards fairly. They recognised academic, musical and sporting performance once a year by class prizes, and community spirit as well, but throughout the school year things were evenly balanced. I don’t know what you should do - probably nothing - but it’s not right. Perhaps reassure your son that class dynamics may well change in secondary school, but that you recognise his efforts regardless.

I think you have responded in a very dignified manner in the face of some quite unpleasant posts about your son. Hope he is ok.

Sorry I meant to say that not all workplaces are fair, but we are encouraged to give good opportunities etc to all staff. In the team I manage there are people I like more or think are better, but it does not stop me treating everyone well and make them feel valued. I would never do the work equivalent of the marking thing.

Yes, at regular catch-ups and performance review time etc I will recognise and reward individual achievements, but the rest of the time, my team should not know whom I like more or think is better. I am an imperfect manager who gets things wrong, but I don’t like the ethos as you describe it at your son’s school.

I’d have to agree, your last posts comes across as if you maybe also have a problem with this child. You need to be really careful here, because you’re not doing hour son any favours if he senses your own feelings of envy and bitterness, it will feed it.

You’ve been given plenty of good advice on this thread about helping your son to focus on his own achievements snd to understand some people will always have more, others less, and how to manage those feelings, and maybe this is advice that applies to you also so you no longer share these feelings with your son.

How good to see a school promoting achievement and learning - particularly in a poorer area.
Children often peer mark each other’s work, don’t they.
Sounds like good teacher is differentiating and trying to stretch Sam.

Teach yourself and your child to guard against jealousy and do extra work with yours to get him to the top.

@Santosi

Just got DS.

Guess who got the star of the term certificate for showing minted parents who can afford private tution to put their child ahead great attitude to learning. I mean I know this kid is doing a lot and this extra tution must be tiring for him too (e.g. he never ever plays out as he is always busy learning whilst DS is meeting friends after school) but we are living in a deprived area. Lots of families depend on food banks, they cannot put enough food on the table let alone afford private tutors. And the school has a relatively high number of children with SEN who probably also try their damn hardest.

it's just a shame that it all seems solely focused on academic outcome. DS wasn't too upset about it though and I take that a win

To be honest, its not that surprising your son is struggling given your own attitude towards this child...

The certificate is for a great attitude to learning not specific achievement like top marks. Has it even occurred to you that Sam may have a great attitude to learning (i.e. loves learning, is willing to take risks, is intrinsically motivated)?

Of course, being very bright makes it easier to have a good attitude to learning but you come across as really envious and antagonistic toward a 9 year old viewing everything this child wins and achieves as solely the result of unfair advantage..

gosh, I think it is a bit scary to read that so many people think that picking out the same child over and over again for all awards is right.

There might be other children who work hard. But they may not be as naturally bright and not have the same supportive families. I mean we had Covid this year where the gap between those who have access to IT, good housing, supportive families to this who don't have the same circumstances got ever bigger. What message does it and out if a huge chunk of awards go to the same child on a class of 30

How good to see a school promoting achievement and learning

Christ. My younger DC has learning difficulties and will never achieve. I think I would prepare him for a life of non recognition as it doesn't matter how hard he will try - he will never achieve .

Children often peer mark each other’s work, don’t they.

sigh, it is not marking each other work. Only Sam and the teacher are marking noone else. I have pointed that out several times now.

Anyways, stepping away from this thread now. Thanks for those who had some really useful advice

Op you’re twisting yourself up here. You need to try to listen to what the majority are telling you. There is no way you’ll be able to hide your anger and negative feelings from your son and that will party be causing this.

Strange reactions from many here, IMO.

This class of children are all working on the same things, but the teacher has appointed one of them to mark the work of the others. This is a statement that that student is so vastly superior in achievement to his peers that he's qualified to mark their work. It's equating him to the status of teacher, rather than that of the other children in the class.

Of course that is going to upset other children in the class! When I was in primary school after the 11 plus waiting to move on I was asked, with others, to mark the arithmetic of tiny children in the infants, to give me something to do. That was normal, but it would have been an entirely different thing if I'd been asked to mark the work of my classmates!

The teacher should not be doing this. It's unfair and unhealthy, and it's not good for the boy who has been designated to do the marking either, because (as we can see from OP's perfectly understandable post) it's doing to cause resentment in the other children.

Teachers absolutely have favourites and it’s extremely unfair, so I can completely understand the OP’s and her son’s feelings on this

Picking out one child to mark other children's work is bound to generate resentment so I would tell the school you're not comfortable with this.
My children worked out for themselves v early on (yr1?) That star if the week was a rota and largely meaningless. Chair of governors' child was ALWAYS the one chosen out of a class of 23 to speak at assemblies which DS found very annoying.
I'm sure teachers try not to have favourites but that it's inevitable. I would have an honest conversation with the teacher about your son's observations. Children are much more observant than teachers think
And have a discussion with your son about life and life not bring fair etc. You could also use it as an opportunity to get him to do more work at home 🐱