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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

DS says other child is put on pedestal by teachers and cries about it most days

128 replies

Santosi · 12/12/2020 08:34

I only have DS's account but here it goes.

He is in y5, did always well in school and still does... anyhow, this year is is in class with a DS if friends. Let's call him Sam. Sam is also bright and his parents are wealthy. As a result, Sam gets tution several times a week from a private tutor to prepare him for the entrance exam for a independent secondary school. So Sam is bright, works hard and gets a lot of tutoring outside school which puts him ahead of the class. Fair enough.

However, DS is coming home daily telling me how teachers fuzz all day about Sam. How well he does. He gets class awards for amazing learning most week (documented in the schools newsletter so defo not made up), got the main part in the class' Xmas performance (filmed, not live), gets to help the teacher in marking other students work. Last week Sam marked DS's work and DS perceived it as the ultimate humiliation. DS says if the teacher has a tricky question it is always put to Sam first... I could go on and on. He says Sam also boasts in school about private tution, that his parents will put him into an expensive indy school...

As I said, I only have DS's account but I have friends who have kids in the same class and they report the same stuff at home so I think there must be some truth in it.

I keep telling DS that he is amazing. That I don't care what Sam does it does not and the he should just focus on himself... but he is 9 and feels that school is extremely unfair and decided there is not point in working hard as noone cares as he is not Sam.

Not sure what I am actually asking....

OP posts:

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Mrsfrumble · 12/12/2020 12:30

The tutoring in y5 thing is really common where we live; not because children are behind or not being challenged by their class work, but because it’s generally accepted that state primaries don’t prepare children for entrance exams for selective schools that happen at the beginning of year 6, and extra tutoring is necessary to give them a chance. It’s shit and unfair, because these tests should be about genuine merit and not whose parents can afford to engage a tutor, but that’s the way it is. Children in that position should certainly be taught not to brag about it though.

Original poster

Santosi · 12/12/2020 12:40

Anyway my point is, does Sam's mum know that this is going on? If Sam is being tutored it sounds like mum knows that he is not being pushed

it's not about pushing Sam. It is about preparing him for the y6 entrance exam for a private secondary school. Hope that makes sense.

Anyhow, I had a long chat with DS. It won't be sorted quickly but I try to get him to focus on himself. I certainly won't reach him come back lines such as 'you cannot be that smart if you need all that tutoring'. Don't think this would be useful.

He is a sensitive little soul so will see. Will also check out the book recommendations above. Thank you.

OP posts:

Mangermaid · 12/12/2020 13:09

It's way back up the thread but I like what @Porridgeoat says:-

"Support your son to think about qualities in people that really matter. Kindness, being a good friend, helping others who are stuck, you will take a step towards him valuing different qualities other than achievement."

Lalalatte · 12/12/2020 13:20

There was a girl in Dds y6 class who was the teacher's favourite - the girl was miss popular and bright although not stand out top of the class . Dd and her friends found it irritating, but realised it was the teacher who was in the wrong.

YellowPostItPad · 12/12/2020 13:45

Poor teacher.

Maybe Sam's parents are also having a go at the teacher for not stretching him enough.
Maybe Sam is really lovely and teachers are rewarding him for his kind or considerate behaviour or hard work.
Maybe Sam is reliable when it comes to tasks.

Maybe you can just let the teacher (who is actually in the classroom and sees ALL the children's behaviour and effort, unlike the parents who complain) do her job.

Original poster

Santosi · 12/12/2020 14:05

Maybe Sam's parents are also having a go at the teacher for not stretching him enough.

also having a go? Sorry, but I don't think you read what I wrote. I did not have a go at the teacher, didn't even mention it and have no plan of doing so.

OP posts:

MrsMiaWallis · 12/12/2020 14:08

Maybe the teacher just likes Sam more because he doesn't cry when things don't go his way? I mean fgs, it should be completely irrelevant to you and your ds.

Original poster

Santosi · 12/12/2020 14:13

Maybe the teacher just likes Sam more

I am sure teachers prefer some students to others but I would expect a teacher to rise above that and not show their blatant favourism when it comes to a classroom full 9 year olds.

OP posts:

BigWoollyJumpers · 12/12/2020 14:39

This goes on a lot. I had a DD "Sam" and it caused so many issues over the years. Eventually you stop saying anything about what your DC achieves, in order to diminish them, which is as much of an issue as the over praising.

The thing is, it is usually a jealously thing, and also most children are good at something. DD was highly academic, musical and drama. So she got all the prizes, performed in all the concerts and got main parts in all the plays. I actually had a group of mothers come to me direct and complain that it wasn't fair. When I pointed out that all their children were in the sports and dance teams (and my child was never picked for anything) and they all went to tournaments etc, their response was that was because their children were good at sport...... well yes, and there you have it.

What is your son good at? Try to focus on that, maybe get them involved in something out of school too, that is always a useful re-direct.

My second DD was always the underdog, and constantly compared to DD1. It seems you can't win either way.

Original poster

Santosi · 12/12/2020 14:49

What is your son good at? Try to focus on that, maybe get them involved in something out of school too, that is always a useful re-direct.

he is very sporty and does martial arts. But Sam registered a year after DS started with the same club and rubs it in all the time that he is so much better than DS (not true). The issue is really DS's reaction to it. He believes it and is upset because he feels now is he rubbish at taekwondo too.

But you all right, the issue is DS and his (somewhat extreme) upsetness and we should focus on that and not on Sam or the teacher.

OP posts:

LondonGirl83 · 12/12/2020 15:00

@viques that's a truly horrid suggestion.

OP, this is the reason why you need to work on your son's emotional maturity. People who do not learn to control envy become spiteful, bitter adults who unfairly lash out (even at children)...

LondonGirl83 · 12/12/2020 15:05

Also, OP have actually ever heard Sam say he's better then your son at martial arts? In my experience only insecure children (beyond a certain age) say things like that. Either Sam is also struggling in some way you aren't aware of or your son (more likely) is so hyper sensitive at this point that he is warping even encounter with this child.

A ten year old crying every day after school and losing all motivation because another child is getting heaps of praise has a lot of emotional work to do. It is a question of values, resilience, having a growth mindset etc.

draughtycatflap · 12/12/2020 15:10

This experience will be a good life lesson for your child that the pretty and popular ones will always sail through life having career doors opened and generally getting what they want handed to them on a plate. Just tell him to work hard and he will get a good job and be able to smash the chippy bright eyed fuckers down to size when they breeze through the doors at interview.

todayIdrankmilk · 12/12/2020 15:12

@FelicityPike

Think your son is used to being the “clever one” in his class and he can’t cope with coming up against someone “better” than him. He’s getting jealous. It’s a good lesson for him to learn that he won’t always be the best in everything. Just keep encouraging him I suppose.

I think this is the case too

todayIdrankmilk · 12/12/2020 15:13

I think your ds is simply jealous op. I don't say that to be mean. It's just typical jealous behaviour.

Original poster

Santosi · 12/12/2020 15:15

Also, OP have actually ever heard Sam say he's better then your son at martial arts?

he told me actually too when I dropped DS off a while ago and we were all waiting outside the training hall together. But that was before DS used to get so upset and just didn't think too much of it and brushed it off as kids being kids.

anyhow, I got it. I need to work on DS and will do so

OP posts:

Emeraldshamrock · 12/12/2020 15:16

Teacher should share praise evenly your DS might be correct even teachers are influenced by wealth. Is Sam very confident?
"Show me who you are and I'll treat you accordingly"

Original poster

Santosi · 12/12/2020 15:17

Think your son is used to being the “clever one” in his class and he can’t cope with coming up against someone “better” than him.

he really is far too average for that

OP posts:

Mrsfrumble · 12/12/2020 15:18

Also, OP have actually ever heard Sam say he's better then your son at martial arts? In my experience only insecure children (beyond a certain age) say things like that.

I wish that was true. Sadly, having a child with ASD I’ve seen for myself that some children just take pleasure in winding others up. Not saying that’s the case here, but I wish in general more parents would see that sort of behaviour for what it is.

Emeraldshamrock · 12/12/2020 15:19

anyhow, I got it. I need to work on DS and will do so Or question the injustice he is feeling.

santabetterwashhishands · 12/12/2020 15:19

I think your son needs to learn to just concentrate on himself and do his best he doesn't need the teachers to gush around him x I really don't mean that in a bad way but he's going to find there's always a child/adult in every walk of life that needs the spotlight only on them x

Original poster

Santosi · 12/12/2020 15:21

anyhow, I got it. I need to work on DS and will do so Or question the injustice he is feeling.

I know what you mean but I cannot change the circumstances and the way the class teachers reacts to Sam/rest of the class. That is beyond me. So the best I can do is probably to support DS and help him to deal with his emotions.

OP posts:

Emeraldshamrock · 12/12/2020 15:27

Yes it will be beneficial to work on his confidence though IME the sensitive ones work it out for themselves and are good judge of character.
If other DC are feeling similar and things don't change I'd question it.
Obvious favoritism is horrible in a workplace it shouldn't have a place in the school either.

Jodri · 12/12/2020 17:04

OP do you think your son would enjoy the scouts?

I think they are a great organisation that builds on an individual’s and a community’s confidence. They do lots of activities where everyone is needed and no one individual is picked out at being more important. being part of something which does good for others no matter how small your part, can be very good for someone no matter what their age.
They focus on lots of things, not just being the best, which sport and even art/craft/music can easily fall into. It’s about being your best and I’ve seen so many young people flourish under this movement. (Im not involved in the scouts and my dd attended girl guides). It might widen his social group too.

goldenharvest · 12/12/2020 18:11

I am sure teachers prefer some students to others but I would expect a teacher to rise above that and not show their blatant favourism when it comes to a classroom full 9 year olds.

But you are condoning the teacher's apparent favouritism by not challenging the classroom ethos! She is showing blatent favouritism and you are telling DS he must accept this. Yes, he has to accept a lot in life but not in a classroom

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