I feel so sorry for this little girl with an incompetent mother....

[Gameboy]

OK, so I actually don't know whether she is incompetent, disorganised, disengaged or what, but I feel so sorry for her daughter (7) who is DS1's Yr2 class.

I knew the Mum worked, so I always assumed things were rather frantic and busy, which might explain why:

• this girl often doesn't have her PE kit on the right day (has to wear her school uniform)
• is never dressed up/ down for book day/ mufti day/ red nose day etc
• is in after school club every day til 6 pm

but two things recently really made me feel sad:

1. The class had a trip out to a local museum - notes went out well in advance, reminders too, and yet, on the day, this little girl turned up without the right clothes, without a packed lunch, and without the £1 spending money suggested. The school office called her home and were apparently told that no-one could come to the school now to bring anything, and she'd have to share someone else's lunch or do without . Of course some of the Mum's helping out rallied round, and bought her a sandwich and drink and stuff from a shop on the way.

And then finally yesterday, they had a Yr 2 leavers sporting event after school, and she was the only one not there (without a reason such as prior engagement etc) - she was in the after school club, as usual.
Several of us said, that if only we'd known, we could have brought her/ returned her etc.

I have met her Mum just once at a parent social, and she seemed very normal and level-headed, not stressed, under pressure or anything (IYSWIM).
I'm pretty sure there isn't a nanny or au pair who could be 'dropping the balls', so
I just can't understand HOW anyone can be so out of touch with her daughter's life?

As I say, I just feel very sorry for her

And now I have used the word 'parenting' which I loathe.

niceglasses - pmsl at one shoe!

Ohhh the juggling of life's balls is well, balls really sometimes isn't it!

Like someone else said, why does all this fall on the MOTHER?

Dont children have FATHERS these days??

I'd be quite concerned if someone were discussing my dd and myself like this in the classroom environment. I was a forgetful child myself at school (I had to be sent home in yr6 to get the forgotten form for my secondary school application or I might not have gotten a place in the September ) so at the age of 7, I was probably even more hopeless. I'm more organised now and often prepare things weeks in advance if I know that there is a fancy dress day coming up (I'm currently waiting for news of the summer fete if there is going to be one). Still doesn't mean to say that DD always has her dinner money on a Monday morning!
Lots of children don't have the right kit on the right days or forget dinner money/spending money on trips or spend time in after-school clubs. Unless she appears to be underfed/unwashed or otherwise neglected, I would say nowt, either that or befriend her mother so you can offer her help if you think she is so lacking in her parenting. Horrid word.

Gess, I'd come and sit with your ds1 tonight, but sadly I have to
a. Fill in the papaer work for ds that should have been done 2 weeks ago for ds's school
b. I have to contact ds's mates mum to find out the details of the party on Saterday that I have lost.
c. I have to sort the paperwork that should have been sorted last week about a schools into University residential course I'm going on next week.

Just a fuck up, me,

FWIW at least half the kids in my dd's class still haven't produced a painting apron despite having been asked for these since Reception - she's now in yr2 - and in PE they have to have their plimsolls forced on their feet since they have been outgrown for weeks. Maybe they're neglected as well?

If the parent helper has noticed all these things then the teacher is bound to have as well. She/he will be in a better position to know whether it is a cause for concern or not than the parent helper.

The op was worded quite strongly and there does seem to be some gossiping going on about this child (but how many of us aren't guilty of standing in judgement of others?)

but she does sound as if she feels sorry for this little girl and to be honest I do too..

no child wants to be the one who constantly stands out for not having lunch money, pe kit etc etc no matter how much you say it won't kill them, no it won't, but I doubt it's very nice for them either especially if it's a regular thing

Wonder what they say about me as well. At the first day of term DH took DS into school with I assumed DS's PE kit.

4 weeks later. I notice DS had forgotton to wear his new glasses, as I was working from home that day, I popped up to school to give them to him. The class was in the middle of the PE lesson - DS I ask where is your PE kit.

The answer of course was sitting at home (in a cupboard I think), nobody had said anything to me so if he hadn't forgotton his glasses he probably still wouldn't have his PE kit.

A few of these and I am another incompetent mother

Oh at last .... This thread has settled down to the nub of the matter.

This kid is being let down. Maybe it won't kill her. But it is quite likely to damage her self esteem, get her picked on, and pointed out by the other kids.
It isn't fair on this poor kid.

And in a few years time, she is quite likely to ask her parents why she was the child who didn't have it all together, who had to beg lunches on school trips, who always had to do PE in her day clothes? She might just tell them that, in hindsight she felt undervalued and unloved, because they couldn't be BOTHERED to get their act together.

And God help them, her parents might just get pangs of guilt that they put her thru that.

And I TRULY hope that you parents who say "well, I'm like that, it doesn't matter, I love my child" will take that on board.

Wow - lots of posts since I left - too many points to respond to individually.

Thanks to those of you who have been supportive and (correctly) identified that my main reason for posting was to discuss it anonymously here, and NOT end up gossiping about it at the school gate. I was genuinely interested to get some views about why someone might seem so disengaged with their child's school life and consistently letting her down.

I don't I accused the parents of not loving their daughter? But I do think they are letting her down - big time.

I'm pretty sure she is an only child, which only makes a difference in so far as I know that she isn't e.g. having to drop off a SN child elsewhere, as someone suggested (but of course, she may have other commitments).

My impression is that the little girl is NOT very happy - and I've seen her in various situations over the last 3 years. Some of the Mums with girls have invited her places after school, but she has never been allowed to go 'because she has after school club'.

I'm not afraid to 'judge' her parents, because I genuinely think they are letting her down. It's not about me being 'smug' either - I f*ck things up too, but just not so regularly, consistently, seemingly without any care or insight into how it must make my child feel?

I think we all have a duty to 'support' out children as best we can, but quite frankly these parents need a kick up the backside if they can't see that this is having an effect on this little girl.
It was the two most recent events that made me really think about it to be honest.

I'm not sure there IS much I can do now. Next term DS is going to a different school, so I won't see her again most probably.

I just hope her parents get their act together

THANK YOU ClumsyMum ! I wish I had your wordsmithing powers....

Some people on this thread are coming across so horribly smug it rather makes me want to vomit.
I'm sure it isn't their intent.

at least I hope it isn't

If you mean me MB, I'm not smug at all.

I am horribly disorganised in my life, this week missed a chiropodists appt just cos I forgot, frequently get home at 3:45 and desperately open the freezer with no Idea at all what's for tea, forget inset days, lose keys, have to perform major household searches for overdue library books, the lot....

But I am acutely aware that I chose to bring my little boy into the world, and until he is old enough to look after himself, it is my job (well, OUR job, but dh works away alot of the time) to make sure that he is well looked after, including fitting in with his peers, and understanding the importance of being prepared for events, taking responsibilty etc.
Yes EVEN I get it wrong sometimes (forgot he needed a fishing net for Beavers last week), but I don't CONSISTENTLY fail him, and if I do let him down, I make BL%%DY sure I do better next time.

But I'm NOT smug.

pmsl @ "I'm not smug"

good.

The thing that makes me ill reading this thread is this.

I'm disorganised.

My kids are sometimes the last to leave the after school club, and I'm sure there is some sumg little alpha mum tuting at me.

There are times when mine don#t have clean kit, and have to have sadwitches bought at the last minute rather than hand crafted from organic wholemeal and crushed guava halves, or whatever.

There are times when I forget things, and mislay things.

And the reason is that i spend half my fucking life, sorting out dhs med and taking him to the oncology clinic. And when I'm not doing that I'm seeing the solicitor, to sort out what happens to the money when he dies. And when I'm not doing that I'm conforting my dd who sobs, because she doesn't understand why her father has to die.

And guess what, when people see me in school they muct think I'm just fine and 'incompitent'. Because you try to keep like as normal as possible

But I'm not. Sometimes how much I love my kids is the only reason that I can get out of bed in the morning.

And if all you have to worry about is some other mothers minor short failings. then you are a bloody lucky woman.

You don't know what the rest of this woman's life is like. Or what the rest of this kids life is like.

MB - one thing I do when I catch the 'looks' is think 'you wouldn't last 5 minutes with my life mate'. Makes me feel better. I couldn't even get out of the front door of ds2's school today (not enough hands!), but they'd be in a worse state!

"seemingly without any care or insight into how it must make my child feel"

My italics...

Thing is, reading this thread, that the OP wasn't about 'listen, I think there might be something going on with this child's life, is there anything I could/should be doing to assist or should I not bother' - but just 'it's her mother' (not, as MP points out, her father. I would like to point out that quite a lot of the disorganisation associated with DD1 is because her father is not very organised).

Also, I work from home a lot of the time, about half a mile from school. Doesn't matter. I'm working.

Oh yes - P.E. in vest and pants. I'd forgotten about that! I had to as well.

I think it is ridiculous to suggest that a child who is loved, valued and supported in general would feel unloved and unvalued because of one aspect of their parent's parenting. If the child is unloved in other ways and the forgetfulness is yet another symptom of that, then yes, I would agree with that point, but otherwise, sorry no, that's just silly.

Also, I am quite organised but should point out, quite sincerely, that I am also really not very good at this parenting lark. A remembered PE kit does not actually mean much. Sadly.

Guess what.... I work too.

But if school rang me to say I had forgotten to provide ds with some food, I would regard that as a tad more important (and indeed, urgent) and would stop what I was doing to get it sorted. If I couldn't get back to school myself I would ring another mum, who lives near school and ask for her help, or at the very least be EXTREMELY apologetic to school staff and ask for their help, with lots of thanks afterwards.

Our children must be our first priority.