I feel so sorry for this little girl with an incompetent mother....

[Gameboy]

OK, so I actually don't know whether she is incompetent, disorganised, disengaged or what, but I feel so sorry for her daughter (7) who is DS1's Yr2 class.

I knew the Mum worked, so I always assumed things were rather frantic and busy, which might explain why:

• this girl often doesn't have her PE kit on the right day (has to wear her school uniform)
• is never dressed up/ down for book day/ mufti day/ red nose day etc
• is in after school club every day til 6 pm

but two things recently really made me feel sad:

1. The class had a trip out to a local museum - notes went out well in advance, reminders too, and yet, on the day, this little girl turned up without the right clothes, without a packed lunch, and without the £1 spending money suggested. The school office called her home and were apparently told that no-one could come to the school now to bring anything, and she'd have to share someone else's lunch or do without . Of course some of the Mum's helping out rallied round, and bought her a sandwich and drink and stuff from a shop on the way.

And then finally yesterday, they had a Yr 2 leavers sporting event after school, and she was the only one not there (without a reason such as prior engagement etc) - she was in the after school club, as usual.
Several of us said, that if only we'd known, we could have brought her/ returned her etc.

I have met her Mum just once at a parent social, and she seemed very normal and level-headed, not stressed, under pressure or anything (IYSWIM).
I'm pretty sure there isn't a nanny or au pair who could be 'dropping the balls', so
I just can't understand HOW anyone can be so out of touch with her daughter's life?

As I say, I just feel very sorry for her

lucye - the OP was not remotely condescending or bitchy - it was caring and concerned.

Great! So WOHMs are alcoholics too. Fantastic logic there.

Mymama - what I said about the one incident that stood out for me from my childhood is that there may well have been more (I had not one but TWO working parents) but I was a confident child and these things didn't bother me. I was q quiet child too. Perhaps this girl is the same? Just because a PE kit is a major drama in your household doesn't mean it's in everyone else's life too. I understand that you had an unhappy childhood but I guess your dad dying when you were young had far more to do with it than a forgotten PE kit.

As I said already I agree that some things that are insignificant to us may seem like a huge deal to a 7 year old but perhaps being the adults here we can teach them to brush some things aside and that some things are really not worth bothering about. I mean what chance is there for a child standing out for reasons beyond his control (skin colour, disability) if he can expect to be laughed off the playground for trivial matters.

So this is caring and concerned: "is never dressed up/ down for book day/ mufti day/ red nose day etc" So, who's keeping a tally? The other mums? The TA? Their children? Do your children really comment nastily about who was or wasn't dressed up/down? Glad my DS isn't in your school. Perhaps the same goes on at his school and I don't know. I have more important things to do. When does Threshers open, anyone know?

god i cannot take this as very seriously really, having worked with families with actual problems beyond forgetting a PE kit and all.

I have worked wth 7 yos who routinely make lunch for themselves, ther younger sibs, and a parent with disabilites. I have known 7 yos have to translate the graphic details of their mothers rape (incidentally i know from experience that a good percentage of posters on here don't think these kids worthy of our protection because they were born outside the UK)

if it is imporetant to the kid i expect she'll start organising stuff herself. no bad thing imo.

I am extremely well organised and rarely forget things and get quite upset when a child of mine comes back from school and tells me I forgot some peice of kit or their snack or whatever.

However, I really wish I could be less anxious about stuff like this which really doesn't matter in the scheme of things. I always envy my more relaxed fellow mothers as I obsessively check and re-check school bags in the morning.

maybe it has a pretence of concern, but i rather think it is one of those, looking down on others to make myself feel better about my parenting type thread.

She said this

OK, so I actually don't know whether she is incompetent, disorganised, disengaged or what, but I feel so sorry for her daughter (7) who is DS1's Yr2 class.

if she had said this

OK, so i actually dont know whether the mother is having problems, under pressue, suffered a bereavement, or what,is there a way i can offer help without being patronising or making this woman feel shitty?

THEN
it would have been caring and concerned.

I do feel bad about my general lack of organisation as a mother re the school stuff, but i love my DD, did the best i could for her, made mistakes i hopefully will not repeat second time around, im not perfect.......who is?

Nobody is perfect. Everyone has weaknesses and maybe this moms weakness is organization. Who knows? I think the important questions to ask are? Is the child happy? Does she seemed frightened of people? (frightened and "quiet" are different)
The simple fact is for all you know the mother does get the childs stuff together and then the child sets it down somewhere and forgets it. I have one child who would do is homework everynight and then forget to turn it in. I spent more days running homework to the school than you can imagine. Maybe the mothers job does not permit her to leave in the middle of the day or maybe the mother simply did not have the means of getting the money there.
So once again, outside these slightly uncomfortable moments, does the child seem happy?

"if it is imporetant to the kid i expect she'll start organising stuff herself" My 7 y.o. DS occasionally loses his homework. He's never yet lost a party invitation.

I'm scatty - I'm busy - I drop balls sometimes.
Sometimes I've got the time and energy to pull it all toegther and make a fancy dress, sometimes I forget to send in the money for trips.
I feel more sorry for the school secretary who has to ring me - and the 200 other parents just like me - to remind us stuff

My son is also scatty. When I forget stuff he says ''Don't worry mum, I should have remembered too''.

I think Gameboy is being genuinely concerned and well-intentioend but is maybe lacking some empathy.

I also think there are more important child 'welfare' issues in life to get worked up about.

But Gameboy, please remind your friend next time she starts having a bit of a gossip about the confidentiality issues. She really should not be discussing these things with you and you should not be joining in.

she said this too - This family are NOT struggling with any of the issues or situations you have quite rightly all suggested could be a regular cause of these situations.

How do you KNOW or are the gossip mongers at your school THAT efficient? If you are concerned, talk to her tearcher instead of bitching and sniping behind the poor cows back - maybe the little girl doesnt like pe and her and her mummy conspire to "forget"

I DO accept that these things could well be a sign of problems at home and would probably raise the concern of the school - but it is down to the school to see if there is a problem they can HELP with.

This is the reason why, when i did pick up DD from school, it was head down, dont get roped into the group of gossiping bitches at the school gates. The reason why i mostly didnt pick DD up, even when i could have, was because my father used to do it, because he looked foreward to it, so did she. Just didnt want to be accused of being disengaged for letting grandparent pick up child while i stayed home watching jerry springer!!

I HATE gossipy schoolgate mums who have nothing better to do than making judgments about other mums.

I see them at Ds's school and make a wide berth for them.

I'm skimming the threads so apologies to anyone if i get the wrong end of stick but my head is about to explode!

"I think Gameboy, Howdoody and I should maybe ride off on our high horses (want to join us katelyle?) and leave the rest of you to your "hey I'm chaotic but it doesn't matter" lives"

Yeah i think you should - close the door queitly on the way out, i have a hangover!!

Whats wrong with a bit of chaos - its the way of the world. "the entropy (chaos) of any system tennds towards maximum disorder" - isnt that the third law of thermodynamics (i cant believe that used to matter to me at some point in my life) i could be wrong, and will stand corrected, should anyone care.

Life is chaotic, i know of parents who have time tables for their children AFTER school until bed time, labels on everything - they have lovely happy kids, i know parents, like me, who couldnt organise a piss up in a brewery (isnt there a thread on here for non alpha mums to 'fess up?) and they have lovely happy kids.

The OP could almost have been describing my childhood.
Loads of times i went on trips without a lunch and was always collected last from school and from any special days.
Why? because my Mum could not leave the house because of Agrophobia and because she wanted to sleep most of the day as she was depressed.
Nothing has changed still.
But i'm determined to attend ALL of my DDs special days and let her go on ALL outings as i was denied this as a child myself.
AB

I wouldn't see being in the school club until 6pm each day as an example of chaotic parenting - that's surely just the way that particular family have arranged their childcare, and not something to make adverse judgements about. I've felt some disapproval from other parents because I have a more hands-off approach than they do, so can sympathise with the mother described in the OP. I wonder whether the problem may be that the school relies overly on the school gate mum grapevine for communication. And how would you react if you were telephoned at work to be told about an event you'd not even heard about previously, and expected to drop everything at work and make a long journey back home to sort out sandwiches? It might genuinely not have been possible to do all that in the time. I'm surprised it was down to the other parents to sort the problem. At our school, the canteen makes sandwiches-for-the-children-who-haven't-brought-sandwiches (the teachers make a point of telling everyone how unpleasant they are ). Maybe the girl is deliberately not telling her mother about school events - as others have said, she may hate sport.

On the other hand, I think the OP is genuinely trying to help, and I think some on here have been a little hard on her. This clearly isn't anywhere near being a matter for Social Services. It's not really a matter for other parents, unless they are having to pick up the pieces on a regular basis. (I strongly disagree with the assertion that SAHMs should be doing more to help WOHMs - why should we be providing a free service at some detriment to our own families and ourselves, and potentially depriving someone else of paid work?) It may be a matter for the school - Gameboy, if you consider that this particular family's situation is putting pressure on you and your family, have a word with the teacher to push the matter further up the school's agenda. Otherwise, you're best keeping out of it. If the girl is suffering, the school is in a better position to notice and do something about it than you are.

Unfortunately for some women (not specific to either SAHMs or WOHMs) they feel so lacking in confidence in just being a parent (just being is not a phrase they understand). The girl's hair is always immaculately combed and clipped in place, the uniform is always new and freshly laundered and never ever ripped, grass-stained or muddy, the PE kit (the correct PE kit hanging in the school issue PE bag (which is in fact "optional" as a uniform item))is always hanging on the peg on the correct day (freshly laundered), the packed lunch is always well-balanced and nutritious and may even contain an ice pack to keep it fresh (it's full of things that the child won't in fact eat!). In real life, hair clips are dismissed (they are in the bathroom upstairs) as we are running late and need to leave now if everyone wants to scooter to school. The school trousers are a tad grass-stained because he played football in them at school yesterday or the school skirt hem falling down slightly and you simply didn't notice yesterday. On the school peg hangs a Sainsbury carrier bag containing a Pokemon t-shirt and an alternative pair of shorts, the PE kit is "missing". The packed lunch contains a ham sandwich with white bread, a banana, a tube of yoghourt and some Vache Qui cheese triangles (ie it's full of things the child will actually eat!).
The scary organised ones might even say to their children, you don't want to go to school with messy hair (or muddy trousers or whatever) as nobody will want to play with you if you have messy hair (or even if they don't say it this is what they are implying in their fussy, over controlling behaviour). It is really very middle management to so over manage your project!

have only read op and the predictable few posts that followed

lol at 'this could be me' - you are such bullshitters

I think if Gameboy is telling it like it is yes I would feel very sorry for that poor child - fair enough we've all forgotten mufti day now and again and done the rushing home thing but I think it is a bit rotten to be so slapdash that they miss out on everything. Still, some people don't care so good luck to them. I wouldn't get involved personally just try and help out if the opportunity presented itself.

My mum was like this. it didn't affect me - all it did was to teach me earlier to take responsibility for myself (and I never lose me keys because it drove me so crazy when my mum used to lose them all the time! ) My mum was brilliant. Imaginative, creative funny, loving, warm and playful. So what she was useless at remembering stuff? Oh AND she didn't work...
Stop judging this poor woman.

I'd still have felt sorry for you though aquasea

"The girl's hair is always immaculately combed and clipped in place, the uniform is always new and freshly laundered and never ever ripped, grass-stained or muddy, the PE kit (the correct PE kit hanging in the school issue PE bag (which is in fact "optional" as a uniform item))is always hanging on the peg on the correct day (freshly laundered), the packed lunch is always well-balanced and nutritious and may even contain an ice pack to keep it fresh (it's full of things that the child won't in fact eat!)."

yes, thats how my children aer most of the time

believe me it isn't to make myself feel superior - in fact most mums I know do exactly the same.

Whats so fantastic about living in chaos by choice? Yes we all have days when they have to go in a summer dress with a grass stain on, but I wouldn't make a habit of it.

HATE this scathing inverted snobbery about mums who make an effort.

ok strike 'immaculately' and 'new'

but most of the rest applies

before the Smug Enid brigade appear can I just say why wouldnt you bother to do it for your kids, especially if you do it for yourself?

Enid, I have some sympathy for your post. I get very bored with the Bridget Jones / slummy mummy school of incomeptence and how kooky it all is. I 'm one of those irritating women whose house, clothes and generally, children are immaculate. We never run out of anything at home, I am never ever late and wehaven't had a takeaway in over a decade. I just have a very strong puritan work ethic.

However, I would never think less of anyone who lives in chaos or even judge them for that. I just think they have different priorities which aren't necessarily better or worse than mine.

I run out of stuff, we aern't immaculate by any means, sometimes I am a bit flaky but yes I hate that Bad Mothers/Slummy mummy shite - really crap and annoying

parenting equivalent of telling everyone how you didn't revise IMO

if it doesn't look like you have made an effort you can't be judged

still, in RL everyone gets it wrong now and then we all know that. I don't believe half the posts on here anyway

I thought the OP described the mother as 'incompetent' in the title to get people to post - she retracts it in the first line.

i dread to think what people are saying about me then!

morning rush in our house, dt1 preschool- alway has his lunch box but occasionally his drink is left by the front door, more often than not still has marmite and fromage frais lurking around his chops

dt2 stays with childmindar as sn, but at least she's only next door, and it has been known for her to have to climb in through the kitchen window to collect more nappies as they are still in the airing cupboard!

dd comes to work with me- thankfully she needs nothing, so just gets flung in the car in the car seat and off we go!

But what people probably haven't seen behind the scenes is that in between all of this i have a disabled dh who i have to get up and dressed, downstairs waiting for either his physio or nurse, dealt with mine and dt2's diabetes, fielded numerous phone calls from staff/clients/other pre-school parents, dragged all the kids to the correct place and got myself dressed.

I will openly admit that both me and dt1 have arrived at the relevant place still in slippers- but you can't judge people without being in their shoes for a day!

I would think less of somebody choosing to live in lovely creative chaos if they kept relying on me to bale them out. However, I expect the reality is that most of us support each other and it all evens out in the end (whatever may be posted on the mumsnet confessions thread).