I feel so sorry for this little girl with an incompetent mother....

[Gameboy]

OK, so I actually don't know whether she is incompetent, disorganised, disengaged or what, but I feel so sorry for her daughter (7) who is DS1's Yr2 class.

I knew the Mum worked, so I always assumed things were rather frantic and busy, which might explain why:

• this girl often doesn't have her PE kit on the right day (has to wear her school uniform)
• is never dressed up/ down for book day/ mufti day/ red nose day etc
• is in after school club every day til 6 pm

but two things recently really made me feel sad:

1. The class had a trip out to a local museum - notes went out well in advance, reminders too, and yet, on the day, this little girl turned up without the right clothes, without a packed lunch, and without the £1 spending money suggested. The school office called her home and were apparently told that no-one could come to the school now to bring anything, and she'd have to share someone else's lunch or do without . Of course some of the Mum's helping out rallied round, and bought her a sandwich and drink and stuff from a shop on the way.

And then finally yesterday, they had a Yr 2 leavers sporting event after school, and she was the only one not there (without a reason such as prior engagement etc) - she was in the after school club, as usual.
Several of us said, that if only we'd known, we could have brought her/ returned her etc.

I have met her Mum just once at a parent social, and she seemed very normal and level-headed, not stressed, under pressure or anything (IYSWIM).
I'm pretty sure there isn't a nanny or au pair who could be 'dropping the balls', so
I just can't understand HOW anyone can be so out of touch with her daughter's life?

As I say, I just feel very sorry for her

I like your thinking Caroline.

Not that normal, hatty!

Wasn't this thread about extreme forgetfulnes of the parent? how did it turn into the SAHM/ WOHM debate? yawn...

There has been times when I have also felt sorry for some children, I know that there may be justification for what is going on, it doesn't stop me from feeling bad for the child which is not the same as annoyed with the mother.

But Caroline, it is not either the recipe for a well rounded child. I had a friend at Uni who was so bloody annoyed at the lack of care of his mum towards his younger brothers (as she had always been towards him) that he ended up taking care for all the things the mum was not bothered about, being preparing the lunchboxes, taking the kids to the park or attending school events. Yes, my friend was independant and resourceful but... depressed and detached, he seriously felt unloved, and was very resentful towards his parents.

I think that comparison with the work situation is ridiculous. Unless, of course, you expect the school to be a protracted preparation for the corporate world.

Interesting but not so unexpected as to how this thread tries to be turned into a WOHM vs SAHM. Of course, if it had started differently, the WOHMs would have been accused of being uber-organised and bringing their corporate skills into micro-managing their child's life, while a SAHM would be just airy-fairy and scatty but, hey, she loves her kids, who cares about a missed packed lunch.

Kids stand out in the playground for many different things. Some we can control (the packed lunch), some we can't (being the slowest at running). Rather than teaching our children to laugh and sneer at those who stand out perhaps we could teach them acceptance for however their friends are and self-acceptance for how they are. Then this cycle of bitching & bullying might stop.

I agree the things mentioned in the OP are not life threatening and will not hurt the child. I also know that WOHM's are busy, have a thousand things to do and can't remember everything.

Having said that I was the child the OP described. My dad died when I was young and my mum had to work full time. There were four of us. It would have been hectic. I know that now as an adult with my own children, But as a kid it was hurtful and shameful when your mum forgot dress up days, school trips and to pick you up from afterschool sports. It has affected me badly. I still can't think about it without the bad feelings. I also break my neck so that I don't miss a single thing for my 3 dcs. So for those who say it is minor, for some of us it is not.

I just asked ds, who is 9.5, what he thought.

He said "it's fine, we all forget things sometimes"

I just asked if he was traumatised when I forgot things and he looked at me like I was mad.

Still going on?!
I posted last night. It's not about WOHM V SAHM. My mum was forgetful and disorganised, but also unloving and detached as a parent.
That combination is difficult to cope with as a child.
I forget stuff for my dd, like everyone, but she knows she is loved and that's the bit thats important.

Then I guess your ds is a lot stronger than I was as a child. If it had been an every now and then thing it may have been fine, but it was a regular thing. Imagine being the only child with the sports coach an hour after everyone has gone home because your mum forgets to pick you up after work.

Quite, Niceladee. From all we know in the OP the girl's mum is forgetful. The unloving and detached was others' interpretation of the "facts". I think it's this jump in logic that is difficult to understand.

I find it rather strange that someone can identify their whole childhood experiences with someone else's based on a few lines.

I remember one occasion when I stood out at primary school in a negative way. I wore wooden clogs to school and it was unusual and everyone else thought I'd come to school in slippers (early 70s, what did they know about fashion?). Anyway, I told my mum and she just laughed it off and so did I. That's the only event I remember and I'm sure there'd have been plenty more if I or my parents didn't have a healthy attitude towards it.

Mymama - I think what you describe is very far from what the OP described.

am actually very at the TA and other parents gossiping here

and I am a SAHM but am always forgetting stuff

honestly, I have a life too, if its that important why doesn't the kid remind her? She's 7, not a baby.

(Hi, Filly, didn't get a chance to try the carseats over the w/end, maybe this w/end.)

and how do know KNOW she is not engaged?

my mum was/is great

she always had time to take us to galleries and crap, to read to us and so forth.

arse around making a costume for world book day, no.

if i'd wanted a packed lunch for a schhol trip at 7, the onus would have been on me to make it happen

but from the outside she prob DID look distracted.

yet here i am, still standing, not traumatised by never being reminded to take in my pe kit or violin.

I dunno why this is bothering me so much, i just cannot stand gossipy twittering mothers somehow

I guess she does not remind her mum because she is a CHILD and her mum is the PARENT.

CristinaTheAstonishing - if you had only one event to stand out it would probably not affect you. Perhaps the little things in life don't bother you.

For me it was nearly every time. It bothered me. It still upsets me to think about it at times. Just because you don't agree does not mean my feelings are invalid. Different children are affected by different things.

Funny how these busy people don't tend to forget their wine.

oh fgs she is 7.

but really, its NOT the end of the world.

she is probably learing to be resiliant and self reliant in the face of gossipy mothers and mollycoddled kids.

Gameboy - I know where you are coming from with your concern for this little girl.

I agree with suggestions here that perhaps some things can be implemented at school such as the pe kit staying all week. That will help with some of the issue.

Hopefully she is a strong little girl and it does not really bother her.

Wait clumsymum, katylyle, gameboy - don't charge off - wait for me - I'm coming with you!

"funny how these busy people don't forget their wine" Wot? Whatever has wine got to do with anything?

Quite a long thread, but I think Gameboy is just trying to work out how to support the Mum in a more structured way, rather than this ad hoc situation of teachers and other mothers providing lunches or whatever as the situation arises.

There is a difference between being somebody in need of support (because of illness/circumstances) and just being a bit 'scatty'. Long term scattiness may seem charming, but its only possible with the support of the non scatty, which is not entirely fair.

oh another judementalnet.com classic, oh no, this is mumsnet! I was ALWAYS forgetting PE kit, stuff like that, ALWAYS!! I was a working mum, but thats not why, im simply forgetful and disorganised - my DD doesn have "organisational behaviour" type issues just because she didnt have her PE kit from time to time.

Absolutely disgusting that TA discussing other parents with her friends, that must be a sacking offence - if she has concerns they must be raised with the teachers. Honestly, the smugness of some people

This is a very interesting thread, IMO.

I have two stepsons, and a partner who left his first wife largely because she didn't take care of her family (children or partner) - she subcontracted/forgot/was late but didn't ever see why she needed to do anything herself for her children or husband...

Everyone is much, much happier these days - my partner and I are happy, the boys are very happy (and doing so much better in school and in every other way) and even my partner's ex is happier - she has a new partner just like her, always late, doesn't bother with others and she just doesn't care that she doesn't see the children much anymore because they'd rather be with us.

Wickedwaterwitch - because these mums who are far too busy to remember such "trivial" things for their child usually have no problem remembering their own lunch dates or a bottle of wine for their own night out. It bloody annoys me.

Reality - a few forgotten things are not a big deal. The OP indicated it was an ongoing thing rather than an occasional thing. Things that may seem insignificant to an adult can sometimes be a huge deal to a 7 year old.

madame, i dont think the OP is being anything other than condescending and bitchy about this other mother, she describes her as incompetent!!! Im sorry if this seems harsh, maybe i just feel guilty for not being an uber mother for my DD, i made mistakes, it happens. I still loved my DD, she still felt loved for god sake.