I feel so sorry for this little girl with an incompetent mother....

[Gameboy]

OK, so I actually don't know whether she is incompetent, disorganised, disengaged or what, but I feel so sorry for her daughter (7) who is DS1's Yr2 class.

I knew the Mum worked, so I always assumed things were rather frantic and busy, which might explain why:

• this girl often doesn't have her PE kit on the right day (has to wear her school uniform)
• is never dressed up/ down for book day/ mufti day/ red nose day etc
• is in after school club every day til 6 pm

but two things recently really made me feel sad:

1. The class had a trip out to a local museum - notes went out well in advance, reminders too, and yet, on the day, this little girl turned up without the right clothes, without a packed lunch, and without the £1 spending money suggested. The school office called her home and were apparently told that no-one could come to the school now to bring anything, and she'd have to share someone else's lunch or do without . Of course some of the Mum's helping out rallied round, and bought her a sandwich and drink and stuff from a shop on the way.

And then finally yesterday, they had a Yr 2 leavers sporting event after school, and she was the only one not there (without a reason such as prior engagement etc) - she was in the after school club, as usual.
Several of us said, that if only we'd known, we could have brought her/ returned her etc.

I have met her Mum just once at a parent social, and she seemed very normal and level-headed, not stressed, under pressure or anything (IYSWIM).
I'm pretty sure there isn't a nanny or au pair who could be 'dropping the balls', so
I just can't understand HOW anyone can be so out of touch with her daughter's life?

As I say, I just feel very sorry for her

gameboy, if there are things you cannot share with us then we cant be expected to understand fully. mn is mn, you give half a story and you will get opinions based on what you write?

mother sounds busy or scatty. god I'm sure it will be ME that gets talked about when DS starts school judging by this thread

It would be great to send messages by email - we have tried - we regularly ask people to give us their email addresses so they can get messages/newsletters this way and we have a permanent message on our website. In a Thames Valley school of 220 children, where over 80% of children, let alone their parents have access to a computer at home, we have had 19 email addresses so far.

Does your school still send the messages out that way Attila? (In addition to the bits of paper in bags?)

Yes we do - and we put useful information, dates etc on the website too - it doesn't get looked at very much though.

Yes I think it's a long term habit thing.

Just imagine going to a meeting with your boss and realizing you had left half the papers behind, and saying "oh well, you'll just have to do without"

Imagine turning up at what you thought was an orbinary day at the office in dress down Friday clothes, and discovering that you had forgotten you were presenting to the Head of Operations - Europe.

Imagine going out for a drink with your colleagues, getting to the bar to buy your round and realizing you had left your money behind.

Imagine if a teambuilding day out had been planned and the person organising it had accidentally forgotten to invite you, then said "Oh well, it doesn't matter, x hates paintballing'

I remember telling DS I was a crappy mum when he was about 13 & had no clean shirts for school. He said "You're a great mum - you're just a crappy housewife!"

He started doing his own washing & ironing shortly after that...

I'm a pretty forgetful mum, and it doesn't help that the dc live half their life with me and half the life with their dad, oh and that ds in particular is useless at remembering anything (for example claiming that he hasn't got any dinner money when it's been in his bag for days). We do our best to be involved with school life, and at the moment both try and do a pick up or drop off a couple of times a week (we are both work full time and use breakfast club/a childminder), but it is really hard to keep track of stuff, and I think that schools (in general) are appauling at communicating with parents. Everything is in school bags (fine if you pick up directly from school, but not at all helpful if you don't - how should I know if ds should have a note or not?) and the notice is absolutely crap. Frequently two or three days are given for special clothes, projects etc which is logistically really hard to do. Sometimes bigger things too - we got a note last Thursday for example saying that had completely reorganised the classes for the children next year (now all mixed year groups which we (and most other parents) are not at all happy with) and then saying we could come in and hear more about it at 2.30pm the following Monday. WTF!! It made me wonder if the school were deliberately organising things to ensure no one could come and make a fuss.

Oh and school trips are a pain (I can never remember the "special" instructions). ds had one today and they spent four hours plus sitting on a coach. He was miserable. Now I may drop off the kids late and pick them up late too. I may forget things that they are supposed to have done or need to bring in. But I would never organise a trip that badly!

katelyle...how can you even make a comparison there?!!

speechless!

nightowl
the comparison is that children feel embaressment (can't spell that) and uncomfortableness the same as adults
kids ahve feelings too basically

and i'll have you know, my 10 year old always buys his round.

nightowl - I realize that the comparison is a bit facile - but lots of people are saying that it's OK to forget things like dressing up days and spending money and year end celebrations because these things aren't important in the greater sccheme of things and they have more important issues to worry about. There are people for whom this is true - there are people on this thread that I am speechless with admiration for just remembering which school their child is at, never mind what day it celebrates World Book Day. But I really don't think - and shoot me down in flames if you like - that just going out to work is an explanation or an excuse for forgetting things that are important to children. And it's not being smug or alpha mummyish to say it.It MATTERS to children that they have what everyone else has. They aren't old enough to be rugged individualists - and anyway, rugged individualism is a way of life that should be chosen, not forced on you as a defence when you're wearing your uniform and every one else is dressed up as an insect.

and what? i can imagine walking into the town centre and having my knickers drop off.

katelyle is making a work example here, yes, bloody embarrassing if a grown adult forgot their papers, particularly when you're stood in the boardroom i imagine.

what has that got to do with a 7 year old whose mum once forgot a lunchbox?

katelyle.

i have never missed a school play, sports day, etc etc.

i walked my son for an hour in the freezing cold to a school disco and sat shivering outside for an hour and a half. i cant drive and his school is a bit of a distance. i knew it meant a lot to him, his idiot of a father who drives would not take him.

it mattered.

if i forget his pumps occasionally then i am sorry.

Some children hate dressing up for World Book Day. And some children are rugged little individualists.

It is really really sad for little girl but who knows what circumstances the mum is in?

I think that this is what people are trying to say.

Maybe she is a very loving mum but her life is in extreme turmoil.

Sometimes in my job I am astounded by the awful situations people are in.

An example is a young only child who has cancer whose mother has also recently been diagnosed with a terminal cancer.

Or the patient with a young child whose parner has recently left them.

Life is not always black and white.

I think my ds expects me to forget things! A while back I was late for picking him up from a holiday play scheme. I was very embarrassed about being late, and then even more embarrassed when he said "don't worry Mummy, I told them you were always late" . For the record I'm not always late (just too often), but it does run in the family, my mother was so unrealiable we all decided it was better to go to school by bus (and yes I did pledge to do better). I know he really isn't bothered about that sort of thing (and does plenty of forgeting of his own).

On the other hand dd does get very upset at any of that sort of thing. If this little girl was like my dd I woudl say that it wasn't good - if she was like my ds, then it really doesn't matter.

Perhaps it is my daughter??? I have a terrible memory problem, my kids miss a few things and I am always late with money for trips etc because I forget things so easily, I try to deal with notes and money as soon as they come in the door but if I dont have the money on me then I am buggered. I have a diary, a calender on the fridge, a note board on my visor etfc etc etc and a MIL who reminds me of everything.

Oh by the way I love my daughter dearly and she loves me so much too and is a very happy child who thinks hermum is the best mum in the whole world and no I am not just boasting it is true!!!

There are many signals to show a deprived, unloved or at risk child and wearing the wrong clothes a couple of days to school or forgetting a pack lunch are not those kind of signals.

katelyle

You have said EXACTLY what I meant to say earlier today.

your child not being dressed appropriately for a particular day at school may seem unimportant to YOU, but how does it feel for the child, after you have dropped him/her off and gone on to your work, which is SOOOOOO important that it drives school events out of your mind?
Don't you think your child may resent the fact that he/she comes second to your job? Or may just be miserable that when he/she tells you "we need to dress up for World Book Day" you either don't listen, or just do the "oh I haven't got time for that, we'll not bother" bit ?

When you are 7, 8, 9 years old, some little things matter, and they matter alot. Small disappointments REALLY hurt. And yes, your kids will get over most of them, but they will remember some of them.
And anyway, little children shouldn't have to put up with hurt caused by their parents. We are there to CARE for them. As well as keeping them warm and safe CARING is about considering their feelings too.

I think Gameboy, Howdoody and I should maybe ride off on our high horses (want to join us katelyle?) and leave the rest of you to your "hey I'm chaotic but it doesn't matter" lives.

I am not on a high horse and I do care when I get it wrong, thankfully my children are not too sensitive and realise life goes on even if you don't have it right all of the time, they also realise if they tell me 2 mins before leaving the house they have to take a cetain item or be dressed up it ain't gonna happen, its a team effort and we all try our best to remember everything we have to do.

Knew it was a mistake to click on this thread. Sent my dds to school in uniform on day of school disco (allowed to wear own clothes). Have never yet been to a sports day (hope to make it this year). I have met some other parents, many of whom may have mistaken me for a 'normal' 'level-headed' mum who's not stressed or under pressure. But they would have been wrong.

I think the child of the woman in question will grow up realising that life is not always perfect and a forgotten packed lunch does not a crisis make. All these other children with parents who spend their lives running around after their children, organising, organising, organising will one day leave home and go to Uni and the first burnt pasta dish will be a major crisis, a friend being late will mean a trip to the student counsellor and a breakup with a boyfriend will result in an eating disorder. A freshly laundered PE kit hung on the peg on the right day is not the recipe for a perfect child nor the sign of a good parent.

Wot she said!

less of the ellbell - you're normal! good post caroline.