I feel so sorry for this little girl with an incompetent mother....

[Gameboy]

OK, so I actually don't know whether she is incompetent, disorganised, disengaged or what, but I feel so sorry for her daughter (7) who is DS1's Yr2 class.

I knew the Mum worked, so I always assumed things were rather frantic and busy, which might explain why:

• this girl often doesn't have her PE kit on the right day (has to wear her school uniform)
• is never dressed up/ down for book day/ mufti day/ red nose day etc
• is in after school club every day til 6 pm

but two things recently really made me feel sad:

1. The class had a trip out to a local museum - notes went out well in advance, reminders too, and yet, on the day, this little girl turned up without the right clothes, without a packed lunch, and without the £1 spending money suggested. The school office called her home and were apparently told that no-one could come to the school now to bring anything, and she'd have to share someone else's lunch or do without . Of course some of the Mum's helping out rallied round, and bought her a sandwich and drink and stuff from a shop on the way.

And then finally yesterday, they had a Yr 2 leavers sporting event after school, and she was the only one not there (without a reason such as prior engagement etc) - she was in the after school club, as usual.
Several of us said, that if only we'd known, we could have brought her/ returned her etc.

I have met her Mum just once at a parent social, and she seemed very normal and level-headed, not stressed, under pressure or anything (IYSWIM).
I'm pretty sure there isn't a nanny or au pair who could be 'dropping the balls', so
I just can't understand HOW anyone can be so out of touch with her daughter's life?

As I say, I just feel very sorry for her

Cristina - what about the kids who are picked up by childminders or who go to after school clubs?

Oh UD thank you so much for that.

It has long been a bugbear of mine. When I complain that no other institution would consider it an effective means of communication with stakeholders, I'm told it's not about communication, it's about kids being responsible for stuff, learning efficiency etc.

Which I'd always thought was a separate issue myself.

RU caligula?????

What I notice about the class teddy is that the later on in the year you get it, the more keeping up with the Jones' there is.

If you get it in October, a trip to Morrison's will suffice. By June, nothing less than a sponsored trip to the Great Wall of China will be acceptable.

Ha ha ha ha ha how did you guess (I did give you a bit of a clue!)

Littleboot - ROFL - that is so true about the class teddy

UqD - I don't know what happens then, perhaps important info is passed on to the childminder?

We get the school newsletter via e-mail, which is great. There's still lots of stuff, though, that needs reading, signing etc in-between, e.g. all the headlice and threadworm alerts.

Oh dear- I dread to think what the mums at the school gate are saying about me.

Wish we got things by e-mail. That would make lie so much easier.

Tiredemma - don't worry, as long as they don't pass on their disapproving ways to their own DCs to bully yours, it shouldn't affect your life.

mercy...where did i make a comment about SAHM's? (point me to it please, cant be arsed to search the thread).

yes the school need to keep me up to date. they also know i have a dyspraxic son who has little or no short term memory. things get lost.

Why not ask about the newsletter by e-mail? Someone is doing it ina Word document anyway, so it might as well be sent like that. It's a new thing DS's school has started (about a year ago or so) and I think it works well. We get ours e-mailed by the class reps and there are paper copies to pick up (or perhaps in bookbags?) for those who aren't on e-mail.

"God, I fucking hate the "class teddy"."
UD I hope you write this in the teddy diary

I think schools have a bit of a resistance to doing that because those parents who don't have access to e-mail won't get the stuff.

Also why they don't put stuff on their websites, which you'd have thought would be an obvious useful place.

It all seems very unfortunate for this child and makes me wonder just how okay things are for her mum. I also think that schools generally ought to consider quite carefully how far they should manage situations so that children don't end up standing out from the crowd.

I'm not entirely sure I agree with non uniform days - I actually don't like school uniform in the first place - but when you think about it, school is full of situations like this where children can quickly start to feel like the odd one out.

Bringing a pound for a trip seems silly - either incorporate a gift in the price of the trip (as my son's school did when they visited the science museum) or don't bring money at all.

I know it is the responsibility of parents to see these things are covered but so many families struggle to even get the children to school most days, all the extra stuff to worry about leaves many children feeling very 'different'.

School is a sanctuary and teachers should have as many contingency plans as possible to try and prevent scenarios like these occuring.

I am amazed that the school does not provide PE kit for children who don't have their own.

My little boy had to go to school for the entire first term without a PE kit because we had fled domestic violence without most of our clothes and belongings. School helped enormously.

It all seems very unfortunate for this child and makes me wonder just how okay things are for her mum. I also think that schools generally ought to consider quite carefully how far they should manage situations so that children don't end up standing out from the crowd.

I'm not entirely sure I agree with non uniform days - I actually don't like school uniform in the first place - but when you think about it, school is full of situations like this where children can quickly start to feel like the odd one out.

Bringing a pound for a trip seems silly - either incorporate a gift in the price of the trip (as my son's school did when they visited the science museum) or don't bring money at all.

I know it is the responsibility of parents to see these things are covered but so many families struggle to even get the children to school most days, all the extra stuff to worry about leaves many children feeling very 'different'.

School is a sanctuary and teachers should have as many contingency plans as possible to try and prevent scenarios like these occuring.

I am amazed that the school does not provide PE kit for children who don't have their own.

My little boy had to go to school for the entire first term without a PE kit because we had fled domestic violence without most of our clothes and belongings. School helped enormously.

I say it because I appear to be the only mum whose son has to go to before and afterschool club most days, I have forgotten his snack money and have had to call on other moms to collect him sometimes.

Feel like a right shit mom now.

I was so tempted to write

"Barnaby Bear was a bit of a nuisance on Friday, so we made him do a time out. He had to sit in the cellar for the whole weekend, thinking about what he'd done wrong."

"so that children don't end up standing out from the crowd" I think they should start by renaming all children with "sensible" names

Anna8888 - no - I'm not quite sure why I'm getting slated on this thread either!

Lots of people are taking phrases out of context and jumping onto their soapboxes about this.
Er - where did I say she was 'neglecting' her child? (I didn't) Those are your words, not mine.

For those of you who are jumping up and down yelling "gossip/ SAHM/ whatever" let me just say that I know there is more to support what I am saying than perhaps I have chosen to share here. I may not know the parents well myself, but other Mums in the class do, and one is even a neighbour. This family are NOT struggling with any of the issues or situations you have quite rightly all suggested could be a regular cause of these situations. As I've said before (for those that bothered to read my posts properly) several Mums (mostly of the girls, not boys..) have made efforts to help, involve, engage for the sake of the little girl and have been rejected/ rebuffed whatever.

Of course the school are aware of the on-going 'problem' - and it IS a problem when you're constantly attending to ONE child's needs and another 29 are left waiting. I have no idea whether they have broached the subject with the parents or not. I suspect, given the TA's comment and reaction that they have, but they don't expect to see much change.

MartianBishop - I'm sorry if you are cross or upset about this thread, but I honestly don't see this as comparable to the situation either yourself or many other MNers are in. In your terrible situation everyone would understand and accept where your priorities would lie, and I would hope people would rally round as much as possible.

Believe me, this is in no way similar, and sorry, I can't be more precise without giving too much identifying information away.

This mum is perfectly capable, has the means and the time to engage more, but just isn't, and she simply hasn't considered the impact her on-going lack of engagement is having on her daughter.

And that's why I feel sorry for this little girl.

I have done some of the things in the op and others aswell. It makes me really angry at myself and sad for my 7yr old

I am ill, suffering with depression, on and off for the last 9 years.

I have ZERO memory.

I have HUGE amounts of guilt too.

What about the dad? Could he engage more?

"This mum is perfectly capable, has the means and the time to engage more, but just isn't, and she simply hasn't considered the impact her on-going lack of engagement is having on her daughter"

How on earth do you positively know all that? How do you know?

I must be very anti-social.

I know nothing about what is going on behind the front doors of the school mums at my DC's schools.

I simply wouldn't presume to know what they've experienced which might influence their current behaviour. I have no idea.

gameboy - you have mentioned the girl being invited to playdates earlier on. However, if the mum is working, when would you expect the return invitation to take place? If she's just not there to take part in the rounds of invitations and counter-invitations. That's the reason she perhaps rejects/rebuffs whatever. And please don't tell me no-one would be gosspiping if all she did was accept others' invitations but never got children round to her house.

If the situation is indeed as you now describe it - that this child's needs are seen to at the expense of 29 others, then perhaps the situation is more serious and you shouldn't be gossipping about it on here till it's resolved properly. from what you've written so far, though, i don't see how making a bloody sanwich would hinder 29 other children's education and fun. How many gossping women does it take to make a sandwich?