I feel so sorry for this little girl with an incompetent mother....

[Gameboy]

OK, so I actually don't know whether she is incompetent, disorganised, disengaged or what, but I feel so sorry for her daughter (7) who is DS1's Yr2 class.

I knew the Mum worked, so I always assumed things were rather frantic and busy, which might explain why:

• this girl often doesn't have her PE kit on the right day (has to wear her school uniform)
• is never dressed up/ down for book day/ mufti day/ red nose day etc
• is in after school club every day til 6 pm

but two things recently really made me feel sad:

1. The class had a trip out to a local museum - notes went out well in advance, reminders too, and yet, on the day, this little girl turned up without the right clothes, without a packed lunch, and without the £1 spending money suggested. The school office called her home and were apparently told that no-one could come to the school now to bring anything, and she'd have to share someone else's lunch or do without . Of course some of the Mum's helping out rallied round, and bought her a sandwich and drink and stuff from a shop on the way.

And then finally yesterday, they had a Yr 2 leavers sporting event after school, and she was the only one not there (without a reason such as prior engagement etc) - she was in the after school club, as usual.
Several of us said, that if only we'd known, we could have brought her/ returned her etc.

I have met her Mum just once at a parent social, and she seemed very normal and level-headed, not stressed, under pressure or anything (IYSWIM).
I'm pretty sure there isn't a nanny or au pair who could be 'dropping the balls', so
I just can't understand HOW anyone can be so out of touch with her daughter's life?

As I say, I just feel very sorry for her

NiceLadee - perhaps someone felt sorry for you but didn't do more than gossip about it and offered no practical help/reminders to your mum.

Niceladee, that is it exactly. Some of the posters not agreeing with Gameboy are talking about it from their point of view, not the child. The mum can look after herself, the child is vulnerable to what the parent does. One of my dc was talking about a little girl in her school always having mars bars for lunch and she is teased for her size. The dc think it's her fault for eating them, but i tried to point out that the poor girl has very little choice what the mother packs for her. Similar here, it's not "she forgot her lunch once/didnt do red nose day/once forgot her p.e. kit" it's a continual thing.

"Some of the posters not agreeing with Gameboy are talking about it from their point of view, not the child"

Hear hear

Niceladee
Sending a hug to you.

It seems to me that it's all about where you see your priorities. Some posters on here think that giving fruit shoots/going to McD is VERY BAD. Others think that what this mother does is really terrible. Then again some others think neither the one nor the other is such a big deal really, but they might feel really passionate about something else. In the end it just boils down to accepting and respecting the differences, doesn't it?

FWIW I personally feel that I don't want my children to be the ones without the lunchbox or whatever, because my memory from childhood is that I hated being the odd one out. I do give fruit shoots occasionally though!

You don't know the child's point of view. We only know she appears quiet, which is someone else's perception of the child. Surely, the TA and the teacher would know the child better and do something more than gossip and roll their eyes if they thought it important?

me too

Emkana - but what if your children are the odd ones out with the fruit shoots at school? Would that make you feel awful and would your children be traumatised by this?

I know we project onto our kids stuff from our own childhood, but perhaps we should try ans see what's important to them.

oh ffs..

i got the shit beaten out of me when i was a kid, but my mum never forgot a PE kit or a lunch.

so people like me who forget things are a worse mother than mine?

a PE kit isn't going to scar them for life! get some perspective please.

If my dd came home and said she felt left out for some reason, then I would try my best to help her remedy the situation, within reason of course. So I wouldn't give completely unhealthy stuff every day for lunch for example, or I wouldn't let her wear clothing that I consider inappropriate or whatever, but I would try to find a way to make it right for her and for her to be happy.

nightowl, nobody has said that being diligent about lunch boxes is the sine qua non for being a good mother.

Thanks chocolatepeanut (yum!)

My mum was depressed and a single mother at one point, so life was hard, but i longed for her to attend just one parent evening, or even just ask how school was. To this day she dosen't know anything about me! And dosen't ask either.
I'm ok now, have my own life.

niceladee, i feel for you. but just because someone may forget a lunchbox does not make them disinterested in their child.

Oh nightowl please don't think I am saying that.
But if a LO is continually having to go through what Gameboy says, then dont you think it is right to at least try and do something? On the whole though I bet the teaching staff are onto it as they are with this LO all day.

There's a couple of kids at my son's school which broadly fit this description. Their parents work. I try and do my bit by frequently having them to playdates, always offering to take them to any after school parties that are on and offering pick-ups / deliveries for any special trips etc. I take one little girl seimming with us every Monday as it's no more trouble taking 4 to swimming lessons than 3.

I'll probably get shot down in flames for this but I think more SAHM's could be sensitive to the logistical difficulties working parents face and offer some practical help at little cost to themselves.

I'm always so relieved when I see other mums being disorganised/messy house/getting it wrong. Makes me feel less of a failure for my own mediocre organisational and parenting skills. I certainly wouldn't want to judge. In fact perhaps the kids are more relaxed if we are not hyperorganised. My trouble is that I always so desparately want to hold it all together and get it right, so worst of both worlds - hyper, but sometimes hapless, parent!

Yes, I hope the teachers can sort out the little girl's being into after-school club, perhaps they can have a whip around and top up the mum's wages? Some other idea? What this little girl goes through is similar it seems to what other children "go through": forgotten PE kits and the likes. Does it matter to them? If it does, fair enough, get off MN and do something about it. We don't know that it does, though, do we? Oh, I forgot, she appears quiet.

hello nightowl,

I know, forgetting a lunchbox occasionally dosen't inflict long-term damage to the child, we have all had days like that, but when it's a case of forgetting every day and not even thinking that maybe your child may require something to eat during the day, then that's different and can be damaging, if only in the short term.
I don't want to inflict a guilt trip on anyone, I'm sure everyone here tries the best for their child. It's a hard job being a parent and only now do I realise what i hard time my own mum had.

Well I am SAHM who doesn't forget much and my DD begs evryday to go to Breakfast Club !!!!

Hatwoman - Amen, Amen, Amen

Gameboy - I'm not sure why you got so slated on this thread. I quite understand your point of view and I think it is very hard to know what to do to help.

Standards of parental care vary hugely from place to place, school to school etc and what may be fairly average or standard practice in one environment can stick out a mile as neglect in another.

niceladee, the op never said that the child's mother forget her lunch every day. you've had a hard time, so have i but i dont go making assumptions on everyone else because of that, we cant, not all mothers are the same.

howdy, help is good yes. me personally i have never made friends with anyone at the school gates, mainly because i am off to work, dont have the time...partially because i dont want to gossip about other parents, which it seems to me is all they are interested in. it would be great if i had someone there to give me a nudge and say "oh its mufti tomorrow", but i dont know any of them.

God, I fucking hate the "class teddy". Whose stupid idea was that?

LOL at lunchbox with remains in.

Got to say I endorse hatwoman's suggestions for making life easier. Is there any other walk of life in which you'd expect 7-year-olds to act as a messenger service?

Nightowl, please don't assume that everyone at the school gate is an sahm or a gossiper. It is your responsibility and the school's to make sure you are kept up to date with what's going on.

Completely agree that is the school's responsibility to keep yuo up to date.

Having said that school support staff are treated so badly. Speak to the Governors if you have any concerns

UqD - perhaps the 7 year olds are used as messengers because what they usually pass on is trivial information which shouldn't matter all that much. When I get important info from school (e.g. about DS's annual review) the teacher tells me there's something for me in DS's bag or hands it directly to me.