I feel so sorry for this little girl with an incompetent mother....

[Gameboy]

OK, so I actually don't know whether she is incompetent, disorganised, disengaged or what, but I feel so sorry for her daughter (7) who is DS1's Yr2 class.

I knew the Mum worked, so I always assumed things were rather frantic and busy, which might explain why:

• this girl often doesn't have her PE kit on the right day (has to wear her school uniform)
• is never dressed up/ down for book day/ mufti day/ red nose day etc
• is in after school club every day til 6 pm

but two things recently really made me feel sad:

1. The class had a trip out to a local museum - notes went out well in advance, reminders too, and yet, on the day, this little girl turned up without the right clothes, without a packed lunch, and without the £1 spending money suggested. The school office called her home and were apparently told that no-one could come to the school now to bring anything, and she'd have to share someone else's lunch or do without . Of course some of the Mum's helping out rallied round, and bought her a sandwich and drink and stuff from a shop on the way.

And then finally yesterday, they had a Yr 2 leavers sporting event after school, and she was the only one not there (without a reason such as prior engagement etc) - she was in the after school club, as usual.
Several of us said, that if only we'd known, we could have brought her/ returned her etc.

I have met her Mum just once at a parent social, and she seemed very normal and level-headed, not stressed, under pressure or anything (IYSWIM).
I'm pretty sure there isn't a nanny or au pair who could be 'dropping the balls', so
I just can't understand HOW anyone can be so out of touch with her daughter's life?

As I say, I just feel very sorry for her

My son is 7. He has never gossiped/laughed/sneered/tutted/disapproved of any of his mates for any of the reasons mentioned in the OP. He's never complained of feeling left out for any such reasons either and I can bet there've been loads of times when I've "let him down". Luckily, he only sees my love where others see the failings.

Also to add that I have worked full-time and part-time and not at all. It made zero difference to my organisational skills. If anything, I was slightly better organised when I was a WOHM.

pmsl 400

and real life is like this.

Real life, lets you down and smacks you in the teeth, and you have to be resilient enough to cope with this. and you have to learn how to deal with this.

Now I'm not, for one minute, sugesting that we need to delibertly or wilfully fail or disappoint out kids.

But being 'good enough' ie just plain old human, we will do this sometimes. And as long as we fill in the gap sometwhere our kids do just fine. Better, in fact, than if they are persented with utter perfection on the home front, because they rest of their lives will be a constant disapointment to them.

MB - I was re-reading through a book by Deborah Jackson and she was making a similar point, that mothers continuously make up for their past errors to their children and this is human and a learning process for both with the child learning how real life works.

The only thing I can never forgive my mother for, is that she never admited that she was human and made mistakes.

If I fuck up, I apologise to the kids.

that should have read 'When I fuck up'

MI , I didn't mean to imply the OP was totally right. I just felt that imo she meant well, even if the intention wasn't expressed in the best way.

When the nursery that DD attended a few years ago, 'accidentally' fed her macaroni cheese for lunch and she threw up, they called me to come and get her.

At the time on the phone, the comment that was made was "oh, and can you try and get here a bit quicker than last time".

Now, its all very well saying that, but I was working in South London at the time, and her nursery was near where we lived in North London. DP worked an equally distant 45 minutes away.

Now, not picking your child up immediately when they are ill might seem neglectful, but, sometimes, you can only do what you can do. Being a WOHM is not as easy as some would have you believe.

I forget things. Often. I dont have great issues in my life. But, just getting my two out of the front door in the morning (and the preceding getting them dressed) can be a mammoth task in itself - particularly with DS. Even if i leave something on the kitchen worktop next to my car keys - i can be in such a fluster I'll forget it.

I've only read the OP but I can completely see why this might have kicked off (assuming at 259 posts that it has)

Hmmm. Well, I am the mother who was called by her son's school today to ask why he hadn't had his anti biotics at lunchtime or this morning. He got them on Monday, I took Tues off with him, he had them on Weds daytime and today, I just plain Forgot.

LOL, MB - i did exactly that this afternoon driving home in the car, having said rather too loudly "fucking idiot" to another driver, forgetting that my two were in the back with me

You are both hereby awarded the title of

Incompetent Mothers

Some mothers are born incompetent, some achieve incompetence and some have incompetence thrust upon them ....

I am also the Mum who never does anything 'exciting' with the class cuddly toy dog when DD has brought him home.

They always hand it out to her on a day when I'm working, so she goes straight from pre-school to her grandparents and I dont get home with them until 5.30pm-6pm. They go to bed at 7pm.

So, DD never has an exciting story to tell about what happened the day before with 'Ted'.

, www, you are the weakest link, goodbye!

You're right, it kicked off.

We're all incompetent in different ways, and gameboy gets it right 80% of the time

That's quite something, Fio. I can't decide whether you're a very involved parent (to have taken the teddy shopping) or an incompetent one. I'll discuss it with a few people and get back to you.

I think I'm probably with MB.

Recent things I have forgotten:

a party invitation so ds missed a party completely

anti biotics, as mentioned

to take ds's packed lunch into school once when he forgot it and I said I'd drop it in but did so too late

PE kit

Swimming kit

Money for various things

To pay for afterschool club

Buying a coat for ds when it ws Sept and he'd grown out of the old

I'm good enough, absolutely. I'm good, even, on a lot of stuff. But the above list is so trivial, I don't expect to be judged on it. Blimey.

80%, goodness. I get it right (in this type of thing) about 60% and considr that bloody good given that:

I have kept two children alive and well for 9 and 2 years respectively

They are loved and know it

They're healthy and happy most of the time

We have a good standard of living, i.e. a house, warmth, food, fun

agree martianbishop on the real life thing!

i try to give my kids the things i didnt have, because that's all i know really. the things that as a child seemed important to me.

love, cuddles, praise, recognition when they achieve something blah blah blah, im not turning this into a sob story.

but if i forget a PE kit im not going to worry about it, because there are far more important things.

im not a good mum, im a good enough mum.

perhaps my standards are considerably lower than some, i dont really care.

my main hope for my kids is that they will grow up always feeling loved, wanted and safe. that's all really, anything else is a bonus.

WE've covered the fact that it is the Mum rather than the Dad who is incompetent, have we?

Either that - or perhaps she is a single mum in which case working f/t might account for some of her forgetting?

There is a child at DS's school whose parents have just been through a very very acrimonious divorce and cannot communicate with each other. He spends time at both houses during the week, and clearly 'the message' does not get through about lots of school things, and neither of the parents know what is going on. So those of us who are friendly with both parents make a point of casually mentioning trips/concerts/assemblies/bring a bear etc etc.

fio - we lost ds class teddys toothbrush, and dropped dd class teddy in a stream . I have a good friend who is also a WOHM like me and we remind each other about school events and help each other out. Standing joke is bad mother award which we pass between each other - she is current holder after diligently sending her daughter in with her lunchbox full of the remnants of the day before

I think someone mentioned that children don't like to be told off by the teacher for forgetting things etc. Is that what happens? I'm genuinely curious whether little children get belittled for something they have little control over.

haven;t read all the posts but I shouldn;t doubt this girl and her mum are on their own. there are some very concrete things that schools could do to help avoid this

1. come in to the 21st century and not rely on 7 years olds passing scrappy bits of paper to their parents with important information - for those parents who have it use email. it's really not rocket science.

2. send out information more than a week in advance. never ever send stuff that parents need to act on without an intervening weekend.

3. think very carefully about the value of extra events and the sheer number of them - ime there are too many that actually have very limited value for the kids (eg dressing up on book day)and they are too frequent - which devalues them to start with. have fewer. make sure they have real value. make them important

but also I think people need to remember that school is not the be all and end all. home life is a way bigger part of our children's life

Hello, don't post here but i lurk around sometimes.
Haven't read all the thread, but the OP has described my childhood, my mother very disinterested in all 4 of us, yes she was depressed. But it has had a lasting effect on me and i sometimes overcompensate with my own dd, just to ensure she never feels like that. I wish someone had felt sorry for me when i a kid.

god damn, when i was a kid.