I feel so sorry for this little girl with an incompetent mother....

[Gameboy]

OK, so I actually don't know whether she is incompetent, disorganised, disengaged or what, but I feel so sorry for her daughter (7) who is DS1's Yr2 class.

I knew the Mum worked, so I always assumed things were rather frantic and busy, which might explain why:

• this girl often doesn't have her PE kit on the right day (has to wear her school uniform)
• is never dressed up/ down for book day/ mufti day/ red nose day etc
• is in after school club every day til 6 pm

but two things recently really made me feel sad:

1. The class had a trip out to a local museum - notes went out well in advance, reminders too, and yet, on the day, this little girl turned up without the right clothes, without a packed lunch, and without the £1 spending money suggested. The school office called her home and were apparently told that no-one could come to the school now to bring anything, and she'd have to share someone else's lunch or do without . Of course some of the Mum's helping out rallied round, and bought her a sandwich and drink and stuff from a shop on the way.

And then finally yesterday, they had a Yr 2 leavers sporting event after school, and she was the only one not there (without a reason such as prior engagement etc) - she was in the after school club, as usual.
Several of us said, that if only we'd known, we could have brought her/ returned her etc.

I have met her Mum just once at a parent social, and she seemed very normal and level-headed, not stressed, under pressure or anything (IYSWIM).
I'm pretty sure there isn't a nanny or au pair who could be 'dropping the balls', so
I just can't understand HOW anyone can be so out of touch with her daughter's life?

As I say, I just feel very sorry for her

ah but all you people whose kids would drink from the yoghurt pot....that's because they are obviously starving and neglected

(thinking about it, im surprised ds didnt )

oh god yes, odd socks.

and im sure ds doesn't change his pants as often as im led to believe.

Souds like mine Misdee, though your reasons are stronger. I just can't excited you know about if their clothes are creased or whatever, or I forgot some bloody appointment- I ahev that many to remmber anyway

Got told off by DS1's teacher for not knowing what aprt he ahd in play- but ds1 doesn't ewant that part (because its crap) so he threw the letter away and lied about what costume he needed. Now imo a bad mother wouldnt ahve asked, I did

gess, on the rare occasions dd has gone to the breakfast club (childminders on holidays) she has begged to go back..turns out it was because of the white toast/ chocolate spread/ sugary squash they are fed!

my child is pitied (not least by herself ), because she gets brown bread sandwiches, fruit and carrot sticks in her lunch bag. oh the shame!

do you know something. i didnt tell anyone at dd1 school for well over 6months as i was so caught up in what was happening, that it didnt cross my mind. i would drop her off, forget things, pick her up etc etc. they must've thought i was mad at times. dd1 moved to that school mid-way through the school year, so no one out side of staff knew the situation.

i know some people were gossiping, but i really dont care.

i only told the other mums as it was going into the local paper.

All this makes me feel that we should all be trying hard to make our children realise it doesn't matter if people show up in no / dirty / wrong gym kit or bring odd lunches or have chaotic mothers / fathers etc.
MB, you sound like you are doing a fantastic job in really difficult circumstances.

tis no-one elses business anyway what goes on in our lives, we shouldn't have to be explaining ourselves to gossiping school gate mums who have bugger all better to do than bitch about our parenting!

i certainly wouldnt intervene on account of things being forgotten.

i do think people are far too willing to jump in and be a hero these days, i had one friend who would happily interfere in everyone elses business, whether her help was needed or not (9 times out of 10, not).

she liked the drama

not saying this is the op by the way, but some people can go way over the top.

not quite sure where you're coming from with that one krabbie?

Sorry you got such a bad time on this thread, Gameboy. Especially from people who insisted TA should be sacked, even after you explained context of TA's remarks; TA would NOT get sacked for explaining to other mothers why she needed their help to sort the child's lunch out.

I think Krabbie means, so, that our generation of Kids isn't as judgemental???
Might understood it wrong though...

The lunch thing I do not get...because most schools have children that have free dinners, and they get packed lunches done for them for outings, don't they....surely there might have been one spare? Why make other mothers aware of it? Quite unprofessional....and if anything that is possibly the most degrading thing for that little girl, if she has realised what happened....the school should have sorted it out without making other parents aware...badly handled....

Nightowl, I wouldn't suggest for one second that any one who at times forgets things is being neglectful or doesn't love their child.

There maybe all sort of things going on at home which we don't know about. But it doesn't stop others from wondering in a concerned way or caring about families who may be in that situation. ANd being constantly forgetful may be a symptom of difficulties at home.

What happened to community? Why are we all so defensive? ANd yet so judgemental?

I have mixed views on this. I started out on my parenting adventure with lots of ideas about how organised I was going to be.. I would not drag my children in late for everything (I hated it as a child..).. I would not do that to my children. Their uniforms would always be ironed and however little money we had, they would always have a least one trendy outfit to wear on mufti day etc etc. (I suffered a lot on this score too, although hid it from my mum who really did her very best in difficult circumsances.. but again, did not want this stuff happening to my chilren.)

I did ok for the first decade or so and then I had DS2.. cue trying to fit his complex needs into family life that had already become quite over stretched with having to deal with disability/serious illness. Gradually, as years of sleep deprivation set in, it all started to go pear shaped.

These days I have no control over how late the oldest two are for school because I cannot leave with them until the taxi has picked DS2 up.. no point in stressing over it.. just get them there asap. I desperately attempt to cross reference my diary with my calendar so as not to forget any of the scary amount of "special days/events" at the three schools that require me to make some special effort to be there.. or provide an outfit.. or an object.. or something!.. but I do often cock up. I write lengthy essays in DS2's home/school contact book nightly to keep communication as good as poss (as HE can't tell me anything even if he was inclined to) and I always ATTEMPT to sort the three lots of uniform the night before each school day.. but inevitably, there is no clean shirt for DS1, (HE ends up ironing it ). I am so knackered each night I don't know what I am doing.. just try to make sure I have laid all the morning's drugs out, if nothing else, because that HAS to be done.

In a nut shell, I put it LOTS of effort so as not to appear as "the incompetent mum" of the OP, but I must often do so anyway. The main thing I have discovered is to ensure good communiation with the schools/clubs. If they KNOW why things aren't always going to run smoothly, then that's good enough for me, it has to be - no choice. Other parents may or may not comment on why I am always the last one to collect DD from martial arts/Brownies etc - but the instructors/leaders know I am inevitably stuck in traffic/sorting out some issue at my dad's nursing home etc. Luckily because I am always so late, I don't have to SEE other parents.. so if they are slagging me off I miss it completely!

As for the kids, DD is quite laid back about it all.. DS1 is less so (a bit like me as a child) and DS2 neither knows nor cares!

shiny it's 3 children in 3 different schools that gets me as well/ At least from September ds2 and ds3 will be in the same place.

Gameboy
I think you are coming from a good place.I am a fulltime working mum and sometimes you do drop the odd ball but this sounds to be more than that.

When I read your post I put myself in that little girls shoes and felt very sad for her.

Is there anything you can do?

This thread is annoying and dull. It's quite a feat to be both annoying and dull - the two terms are usually mutually exclusive aren't they?

The school thing is so confusing. Little slips of letters appear suddenly demanding victorian costumes at two days' notice. Sports days, parents evenings, choir festivals, concerts, hockey matches, swimming galas, football galas blah blah. They are all in different places at different times. The logistics are a nightmare. I have no clue how anyone keeps track of all this. No clue at all.

The thing is because I work around 50 hours a week, I am simply too busy to keep track of all the minutiae.So I am constantly late, constantly apologising, constantly in the wrong place at the wrong time.

My children laugh at me. They know to remind me if it is really important. It helps them to be organised because they know they have to organise me.

I hope no-one at my dc's school is judging me like this. It's not nice.

I think that the defensiveness/judgmental thing all comes down to the same thing Mercy.....the lack of acceptance of the idea of the 'Good enough' parent.

We are set ever higher levels of what is accepted. If most of us compare our childhoods to our kids, our own mothers would end up looking neglectful. But in most cases they were not. We all survived to become reasonable people.

But nowerdays the anti is ever upped. And in some respects MN is one of the most censorious places to be. A few months ago some poor bloody woman was being vilified/ diagnesd with depression because , God Forbid, she has taken her kids to a museum, while having being guilty of the crime of 'Letting herself go'

Doubtless some MNetters were huffing that this poor woman's kids would be scarred for life because their mother looked tatty.

All we need to be is 'Good enough'.

And if someone isn't good enough, and goodness knows I've taught the kids of a good few, it is more helpful to actually help the person, rather than tutt about it and feel good about your own amazing coping skills.

'one's' own skills, not yours personally Mercy IYSWIM

I think that's it MB. good post.

I don't think it's annoying OR dull. It's a fair debate, discussing how to juggle, over-stressed adult lives of parents with not letting our children down.

I think sometimes circumstances mean you do something less than ideal. Today I had to leave ds2 (aged 5) and ds3 (aged 2) alone in the house whilst I quickly (as quickly as possible) did ds1's 'route' up and down the street, shutting the certain door, peering behind the particular shed, noting the absence of a specific car. It takes a maximum of 5 minutes. They're left with instructions to play on the computer/watch TV/not touch anything. I know that this is not ideal. I hate doing it. If the person who was booked to turn up had, I wouldn't have had to leave them alone, she would have been with them. It was not ideal, but however much others suck lemons and tut about it, I had no choice. Non-perfect parenting. Dictated by our situation.

MB, yes I agree! good post.

I just think the OP had good intentions. It could have been worded along hte lines that MI suggested - but hey, we're not all great with words.

Shiny - the opening proposition is merely an invitation to suck through our teeth like this "hishshshsh" whilst collectively doing an impression of a plumber looking at a particularly clapped out boiler. And the reason? A couple of forgotten lunchboxes.

I disagree, Mercy. It was a post about the mother - not the father, OR the situation as a whole.