Are my concerns about cultural differences valid or am I being racist?

[TheMotherOfBears]

I'm hoping to hear views especially from anyone who has grappled with this issue for their own DCs...

DS has a place at our local state primary for September. It's an outstanding school and I like it.

When I applied I knew he was likely to be the only child in his year who is not from one particular cultural and ethnic background. At that time I didn't give this fact any thought because "that shouldn't matter". But now we've got the offer I'm finding it does and I'm worried even though I don't want to be.

My concern is that all the other children come from the same culture (>90% speak the same first language). DS is very social and loves play dates, birthday parties etc. I know he'll be fine making friends in school, but I worry he'll be excluded from social gatherings out of school and people won't take up our invite to parties etc.

I've spoken to local parents - including one teacher who sent her DC to a school that was similarly monocultural - and she said she regretted it as it made her DD sad. Her DD always felt left out, wasn't included in cultural events because she was not of that culture, and other kids (even her pals) turned down her invites to parties, play dates etc. There was no problem per se - she had genuine friends in school. She was simply an outsider in the wider community. Her DM cautioned me to think about these things when choosing a school for my DS.

Other state schools have places which are more diverse but they aren't on my doorstep!

So, what would you do? Send your DS to the local state school which is otherwise great? Or look elsewhere? We have other options both state and private.

It's not racist, my dc goes to a 97% one ethnicity school, I would never send another child to a similar school.

I know quite a few parents of the majority ethnicity who have removed their kids due to the mentality of the majority of the kids and parents.

School don't like to address reverse racism, such as when my child came home and asked what white twat meant or asking why other kids were saying "all christians must die" when playing. Which I found very concerning, school brushed it off and view me as a moaner.

He is now in his last year and will go to a more diverse high school. It's my view that no school should be allowed to get so segregated when it isn't representative of or matches the racial demographics of the local area, which is actually very diverse.

It's damaging to the kids, who live in segregated communities, go to a segregated schools.

My dd has mostly been in schools where she was a minority racially and/or culturally. The only school where it was a problem was the one where the rest of the kids were not diverse culturally among themselves (racially they were all the same). In that school all the other kids were from the same racial/cultural background and dd (and our family) were pretty consistently excluded from all social events. I pulled her out before she'd even finished a year. It was the only truly bad academic experience she has had so far. In the other schools, dd might have been the only white child in her classroom, but the other kids were such a mix racially and culturally that there was no one block of kids that excluded the others and dd has benefitted from the diversity of the experiences.

This is very interesting. I don’t think it’s racist when you have feedback that another child has been left out of things at that same school. My son’s school is majority British Asian (mainly Indian heritage) and we are white British. He is not the only white child though, I’d say it’s probably about 20% white. His friends so far have mostly been Asian but I do notice many of the white children tend to stick together. We are happy with the school.

To add: his school is a state school. My observation is that the local private primary schools are much more monocultural with virtually no white children at all.

Multicultural is great. Monocultural, especially when your kid is not from that culture, is hard.

It’s not racist to worry about that, I wouldn’t say.

Wouldn’t send my kid there

I'm having a similar dilemma.

Dd starts nursery this Sept. We have chosen our nearest school nursery. It genuinely seems lovely, much nicer than the other local nurseries, but atm I'm not sure if we will be putting the school down as her first choice for reception.

The school breakdown is that 89% speak English as a second language. Approx 50% are of the same ethnicity. The estate we live on is probably in excess of 50% of that ethnicity.

I'm fairly new to the estate and have found the toddler group difficult to the point I no longer attend. I was usually the only British person in attendance and the majority of the mums were from the '50%' ethnicity and seemed to barely be able to speak English. The British people I have met since we moved here think we're mad for sending dd to this nursery. The school genuinely isn't on the radar for most people. It's the school they get given when they've applied for outstanding schools they have no hope of getting into (the school has a 'good' rating)

The difficulty we face is that the next nearest school is Catholic and seems to only take around 5/60 non-catholics each year so I worry about dd feeling left out there with not adhering to catholic traditions.

Our third closest school has a wider cultural mix (and somewhat interestingly its seems to be the case that the British born parents of the 50% ethnicity who live in the estate are sending their dcs to this school). Academically this is the better school but they have introduced a sibling catchment of which we are outside of and I'm pregnant so whilst dd has a good chance of getting in we risk our next dc not getting a place.

Ultimately I suppose I'm using nursery as a test to see how she gets on and leave our reception application until nearer the closing date.

Children from ethnic minorities have to deal with this situation all the time. They and their parents deal with it, and get on. Imagine what it was like for them years ago, the bullying, the isolation, etc. Maybe, your experience OP will make you a bit more compassionate.

Your child will be fine.

Outside of London, the monoculture is a white one. What should a parent with a non-white do if the schools are over 90% white?

Notintheframe What a load of nonsense! While I do agree that many children from ethnic minorities may have to deal with this, it doesn’t mean that a parent should just ignore what is best for their own child. In what way is the OP lacking in compassion?

@notintheframe I am interested in hearing experiences of parents of any background who have DCs in school where they are the only child of that background. As you say, outside of major cities (but not just London) it is likely to be BME DCs in an all white class. Have you DCs in this situation?

Exactly what is a load of nonsense? The truth does sting, doesn't it?

Yes, it's all about what is best for only us and our children. Never about stepping into other people's shoes.

Many of these schools are like that because they felt isolated and at a disadvantage at predominantly white schools. So the parents of these kids feel safety in numbers.

Compassion would be asking why are things the way the are, using her experience to understand what it must be like and have been like for non-white kids, and advocating for change so that children can enjoy school and feel a sense of belonging and acceptance no matter their ethnicity and no matter the ethnic distribution in their school.

Hi OP just like yourself I found my dd in the same situation. She has been at the school now for 3 years and is very much excluded from social gatherings although her classmates who are all from an Asian background all socialise and get together.

Even when we lived in the same residential area as said classmates she was being excluded and at times hey would hide from her when playing outside. It broke my heart, unfortunately due to his she now only plays with 2 little girls from our ethnical background.

In my dn's school:

8/225 in his year of his ethnic group

33/225 of another

all the rest white.

He does fine, has a wide group of friends and is very integrated.

Yes, OP. I think the solution lies with parents and the schools. Parents should actively encourage their children to include the "odd one out" in their activities. The parents should also seek to build bonds with parents of the "odd one out".

The schools should do more to encourage pupils to be more mindful of and kind to others who are different. From my experience, schools that a predominantly white tend to do this much better than the ones that are predominantly Asian.

I'm white and I would prefer my son go to a diverse school and not one with 90% one culture even if the culture was white. I went to a diverse school and you learn so much from your peers.

Imagine what it was like for them years ago, the bullying, the isolation, etc.

Why should the OP have to imagine years ago? For what purpose? The OP is asking about today, not the 1950s

Maybe, your experience OP will make you a bit more compassionate.

So not only do you accuse the OP of lacking in compassion, you also want the OP to place their dc in a potential 'bullying and isolating' situation to learn 'some compassion'

TheMotherOfBears-My concern is that all the other children come from the same culture (>90% speak the same first language).

No I wouldn't want this for my dc. I would choose another school that was more mixed

We all know that a few schools have been influenced by cultures that have no mandate to do so. I would be wary of some schools. There are cultures that see themselves as very separate and your child won’t be part of it.

There are other minorities where religion and way of life are pretty similar to the majority of people in this country and share their cultures and beliefs freely and are inclusive. This is the hallmark of a multicultural society and it’s great. It is easy to reciprocate.

You cannot choose where other people decide to live and what schools they prefer. You can decide, as far as possible, to give your child a school experience they will enjoy. If the school will limit friendships, it would concern me. A very young child does not have to learn about multicultural history by being part of a modern day experiment!

I wouldn't sent my child to a religious school if he had different religion, only if it's Church of England school and the child's christian.
I wouldn't send a child to a school where he would be the only white. But I would seriously consider sending a child to school where he would be the only non-white.
Your concerns are fair. Cultural differences do exist and they could mean a lot at the primary stage as out of school socialising is facilitated by parents.
The other parents in your DS school cold be nice and lovely people, they just could have different traditions, interests, etc. They won't have time and space for you.
I'm non-British, my DD went to a very diverse state primary. It was ok, but took a lot of effort from me to blend in. The main difference that I didn't mind it.

Just to add we ate sending our children to a white majority school (generally 1/2/3 non white white children per year). I have lived this. It is not a problem. It may be difficult to face if you are used to being in the majority but it really isn't the end of the world. I would say that it us character building more than anything. It may actually be good for your son to have experiemce of being the other. So many white British seem remarkably ignorant and he'll bent on staying that way. If there is one thing that being a minority reaches you it is the importance of knowing more about the world than you would encounter in your day to day life.

My children transferred from a very diverse prep school ( actually very few white kids) to a local village CofE school where they are the only black kids. They are fine ...

I think its important not to stereotype also. E,.g in our year three classes we have Asian mixed race third generation families whose girls play a lots of sport at our school and also Muslim girls who wear the hijab from age 7 and have a strict upbringing. We have jewish families who you would not know were Jewish as not obvious. Orthodox Jews go to the local Jewish school.

So I think its important not to assume mono culture means mono families. That massively depends on area

So many white British seem remarkably ignorant and he'll bent on staying that way.

I don't think the OP's concern is about being 'white'/ colour. The concern is more about 'culture' (and religion?)