Serial, long-term bullying of 5 children by one girl over 3 years - what should school be doing?

[PrincessPeaHead]

I would really appreciate your thoughts. This is incredibly long, but it is a really long running saga.

There is a girl in DDs year 4 group, let's call her Anna. She arrived in Year 2, was put in the other class to DD. I immediately started hearing stories about how she was being nasty to various girls, but especially to Bella. DD didn't have much to do with her because she was in a different class. In year 3 DD was also in a different class to Anna, and I heard she was still nasty and now also bullying Clare and Dora, who were in her class. I regularly asked DD if Anna was "behaving nicely" towards her, to be told that DD tried not to have much to do with her, that she kept her head down, but was told all the terrible things she had done and said to B, C, D and others.

Beginning of Year 4 I find out htat DD has been put in A's class, and there are only 5 girls out of a class of 14. I have a meeting with the HeadMaster about something or other and I also say "DD is very concerned about being in A's class, it is well known that she has been bullying lots of people, I am unhappy that it hasn't been resolved, keep an eye on it". He assures me that a very close eye is being kept on the situation.

Anyway DD goes off for a 3 day school trip this weekend. On picking her up from the bus on Sunday she is in floods. We put her to bed thinking she is knackered. Monday am she is sobbing, saying she doesn't want to go to school, she is tired. I keep her off school and she sleeps until 10.30am. Tuesday she is sobbing, says she doesn't want to go to school - and I finally winkle out of her that it is because she doesn't want to see A who has been verbally abusing her for 2 years, but is particularly bad this term. Every time she sees her she calls her a pig, a loser, ugly, nobody likes her, etc etc etc.

Anyway I have since found out that child B's parents complained three times in years 2 and 3, were told it was being "dealt with", and the bullying stopped so they left it. Child C's parents complained 3 times in Year 3, were told it was being dealt with, the bullying slowed down, and they left it. Child D's parents complained 2ce in Year 3, once in Year 4, she ws told that the parents were being called in and it was being dealt with so they left it.
It appears it is now DD's turn. I am NOT LEAVING IT. I have asked for her immediate suspension, her return on a one-strike-you-are-out basis, a full review of all the policies and guidelines etc, an anti-bullying day or programme, staff training etc. And I've sent copies of correspondence to the board of governors.

My questions (finally) - what is best practice in this situation? How should the school have handled these various complaints? What is it reasonable for me to expect the school to have done? As far as I can see the Headmaster has not been involved at all - complaints have all been made to various teachers and the Head of Lower School, the Head has not spoken to the child although teachers have, and I think the parents were called in to the Head of Lower School.

I expect I'll have a meeting with HM tomorrow or monday - what can I legitimately tell him would have been done in a school operating approved bullying policies to a best practice standard?

If you've got this far I'm extremely impressed and grateful
xx

No idea what you can do, but I can well understand that where there is a pattern of repeated behaviour, you might want more than just your dd's situation being sorted out. Frankly, the fact that this girl is just moving onto a new target is evidence that their way of dealing with her behaviour so far is not working. Good luck!

Sorry to hear all this. DD is lucky to have you as her Mum.

I am unable to help you constructivly but will keep an eye on this as I "suspect" a very similar thing is occuring in my DD's school ( although not to DD - yet)

oh pph . First of all, well done for making the correspondence written and copying the governors in - could you find out if the other parents did this too (as evidence)?

Does the school have an anti-bullying policy? If not,you can download anti-bullying policy guideline (scroll down) here from Kidscape.

I would have expected the teachers to record all incidents (mentioned by the child and/or the parents) and would have expected them to have spoken to this child too.

You are absolutely right not to leave this alone!

My dd is nearly 14, but the past few years has been pretty up and down in terms of nastiness at school. Dd on the whole deals with it, but on occasions, I have become involved, and things then seem to ease off.

I think you need to speak openly and firmly to the Head, and then record everything in writing.

Good luck!

fascinating

we have a very very similar situation at dd1s school - four sets of parents have been in to complain (that I know of!)

almost impossible to know what the school should do (this is the girl that called dd1 a 'thicko' and when dd1 refused to sit next to her told her that her mother was very very ill and it was dd1's fault , she has reduced four out of six girls in the class to tears and sleepless nights)

Do you know what I did? I spoke directly to the girl. I told her to stop being mean to dd1 and that she must learn to play nicely. Since then she has given dd1 very little trouble but has turned on another girl in the class. The parents have spoken to me about it but I am not going to tell them how I handled it!

I think in your situation I would contact the girls parents directly.

and I would think, absolutely, that the Head should be involved. Perhaps the Head of the Lower School should be the one collating all the incidents and keeping an eye on the situation (and arranging for the parents of said bully to come in) but I would expect the Head to take the overall lead in this.

No useful advice, I'm afraid PPH, but I just wanted to wish you the very best of luck. It is heart-wrenching to have your child in that situation. Both mine have been bullied but I was too cowardly to do enough about it, which I very much regret. Not much of a mother, me. Sounds to me as though you are doing exactly the right things.

Mm. It's a tricky one this, because the line between normal girly fallouts and bullying is quite a fine one, at least in terms of paper trails and formal procedures.

Dd1 was in a group of girls in her one-form entry primary school, one of whom had very strong control issues and could be very spiteful and abusive in trying to manipulate the dynamics of the group to her own ends. We did complain once or twice over particular incidents, but the group of girls in question were all pretty powerful personalities, so as long as the more extreme incidents were dealt with, they were able to sort the rest out by themselves.

My experience is limited to state schools, and catholic ones at that. The approach there would probably be, in the first instance, to see if there were ongoing issues with the child in question, while also letting the school's behaviour management strategy kick in -- a combination of incentives and sanctions, up to and including keeping children separated from others at playtimes, or making parents pick them up for lunch and return them for afternoon school. Behavioural contracts are also used.

It would probably be a good idea to get together with the parents of other affected children and see if you can agree a joint strategy. I do think it's reasonable to expect the school to be aware of it, to monitor it very closely, and to have a very clear policy for how to deal with it. But in parallel with that I think children do also need to learn that there's always some stupid child with some stupid comment to make, and that sometimes you just have to shrug and letit wash over you. Someone linked to a useful anti-bullying website on a thread I posted a few months ago about ongoing issues ds has been having -- I'll see if I can dig it out.

This sounds really awful. Your poor dd and others. I think the school should have called her parents in initially and the parents of the other children, all the children involved and have a meeting. This is how bullying was dealt with at my school and it rarely continued after that because all the issues were put out into the open. It does sound as if this girl has something seriously wrong though and it's very disturbing that she is bullying so relentlessly. She certainly should be expelled if it continues at all now. Do you think she could have been expelled previously for the same behaviour?

You're doing everything right so far.
I have had a similar experience with my child in an English state primary school.
I found it most effective to question the Headteacher and Governors about how the school was enforcing it's anti-bullying policy, rather than demanding the suspension of the bullying child.
eg: I asked if the school have suspended this child previously, and if not, why not. Whether help had been sought via the school for the behavioural problems this child is exhibiting. Whether the LEA are aware - and whether it was appropriate to try and get the child statemented, or to seek some funding from the Behaviour Support dept at the LEA, so that the bullying child could be supported, and have extra supervision.
I also contacted the Parent Liaison Department of the LEA, set up a meeting with the Headteacher, Head of Governors, the school SENCO and the Governor with responsibility for SEN, and the LEA liaison worker came too.
You are absolutely doing the right thing in dealing with this formally. I suspect the school has not officially logged any of the previous complaints, and things are clearly escalating.
Good luck.

Would like to also add that giving DD "strategies" for managing the situation - and I agree with Frogs about letting it "wash over" is a way of dealing with the immediate short term.

My DD1 has a book "Bullies, Big Mouths and so called friends" which has been a great help to her in personally "empowering" herself against name calling and put-downs.

But Enid, don't you feel it's wrong to allow this girl to continue targetting people?

Because I don't think it is to either the other students or the bully.

I mean, the other parents approached you and you didn't tell them how you'd handled it?

Why on Earth not?

Until people work collectively on these issues, the behaviour continues to happen.

I think it is wise to involve the head and tell the governors, PPH.

This girl needs help AND it's not fair to the other students to allow her behaviour to continue like this.

This is the thread I posted about ds a few months ago, and this is the anti-bulling website someone linked to . I found it quite helpful in explaining how to empower your child -- it doesn't imply that the child is responsible for being bullied, but does help you show them strategies for not letting it get to them, which in turn is likely to diminish the extent of the nastiness, since part of the fun of being nasty is to get a reaction. Ds still struggles with not rising to the bait (he got sent to the deputy head's office last week for shoving his main tormentor), but it is getting better.

I do also think the head should be aware, even if he's not the main person dealing with day-to-day issues, and he should be able to give you a very coherent explanation of how he plans to deal with it. After all, if the girl in question has been behaving like this for 3 years, then all is clearly not right with her as well, so he should be sorting it out for her sake as well as for her victims.

(how old is year 4?)

I don't have any advice, but if I was the head I would be shaking in my boots.

your poor dd, was this girl bullying over the weekend away?

Our school would use a range of techniques to tackle this behaviour - talking to the children, getting parents involved, seperating children is necessary, buddying systems to support the 'victim', plus talking about the issue in the classroom but not linking it to partiular incidents or individuals and letting the children come up with solutions.

I think it's really important to send a message that this behaviour won't be condoned by children and staff at the school. One idea we (I am a gvnor) are looking at at the moment is the idea of a 'telling' school - ie if you see someone bullying another child it is evryone's responsibility to make sure that adults know about it. This takes the onus off the victim to 'tell tales' and also hopefully encourages a feeling of collective responsibility for the care of fellow pupils.

I do think it is important to get to the root of why this girl is bullying too.
I also agree that the school should deal with it - rather than PPH attempting to contact the parents of this girl.

expat - it felt wrong to say 'look I didnt know what to do so I spoke directly to the child'

I am sure this approach is not recommended or endorsed by anti-bullying guidelines

I also told dd1 that the little girl was a silly, sad child and that she should pay absolutely no attention. That she was jealous of dd1 and anyone else who was popular or happy. That she should say 'oh shut up x' and that she would never get into trouble for defending herself despite what x might say.

This is shit isn't is? I've been there and bought the t-shirt! My eldest DS was bullied for 2 years at primary school - unknown to me for the first year - by a girl. The school assured me it was sorted but it continued (again mostly unknown). I sorted it by a formal written complaint to the head and copied to the board of governors. I got an apology , they dragged in the childs parents and it was sorted. Hopefully as you've gone to the lengths you have, it should be too. Don't know about best practice TBH. Each school will have their own bullying policy - have you got a copy? if not ask them to email you one in preparation for your meeting and work through each point. I agree with the anti-bullying day and maybe a buddy scheme, friend in the playground idea - it's worked at our school. HTH. Good luck PPH, your poor DD x

I dont understand what the problem is about speaking directly to the parents

sod 'guidelines'

PPH, I think what you are doing with the school is entirely appropriate and I would not be in any mood to compromise on what you have asked for to happen.

I think you mentioned on another thread that Anna is the child of a teacher at the school and I would be questioning closely whether this fact has impaired their judgement/caused them to relax their normal policy.

I would argue strongly that their approach to date has manifestly not worked and that they are obliged therefore to take a different approach to this child's behaviour in light of this. This child has been single handedly reponsible for making a large number of pupils' lives a misery and it cannot be allowed to continue.

I think there are other things that you and the other parents can do regardless of how the school treat it. I would be sorely tempted to start hosting a 'we're not afraid of Anna' club with a tea party at home every couple of weeks so that the girls affected start to build their own protectionist network. Their ability to stand up to Anna is greatest when they act together as a group. They can also 'police' Anna's behaviour towards other children so that any other instances of bullying by Anna are picked up and dealt with swiftly. A group of this kind also helps them to stop thinking of themselves as 'victims' and gives them ownership of their own happiness.

How are you feeling? I'd be furious but at the same time shaky emotionally

Maybe because with this girls history she would just move on to someone else.

IME there's no point in having it out with the parents after all they are not with their child at school. The bullying is happening in school time, therefore the school must take ultimate responsibility. It is important, however, to get the parents into school to discuss the problem and for them to understand that it won't be tolerated. It's difficult not to let your emotions run riot when you see your child so distraught as a result of bullying, but telling someone else that their DS/DD is being a shit doesn't stop it!

Will read this thread properly later but just wanted to add that a similar situation is going on in our DSs'school. Both my boys have been victims of some agressive behaviour and the school is not dealing with it. DS1 was pushed to the ground, kicked and called names yesterday. He told me about it on the way to swimming, he was OK. This morning two mothers of the boys who'd pushed him were waiting for us in p/g. Both made their boys apologise to DS1 and me - really good - we were all v.angry that none of the class teachers had mentioned it, have appointment for chat after school with class teacher but am going to see head as they are not dealing with it.