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Serial, long-term bullying of 5 children by one girl over 3 years - what should school be doing?

121 replies

PrincessPeaHead · 03/05/2007 10:46

I would really appreciate your thoughts. This is incredibly long, but it is a really long running saga.

There is a girl in DDs year 4 group, let's call her Anna. She arrived in Year 2, was put in the other class to DD. I immediately started hearing stories about how she was being nasty to various girls, but especially to Bella. DD didn't have much to do with her because she was in a different class. In year 3 DD was also in a different class to Anna, and I heard she was still nasty and now also bullying Clare and Dora, who were in her class. I regularly asked DD if Anna was "behaving nicely" towards her, to be told that DD tried not to have much to do with her, that she kept her head down, but was told all the terrible things she had done and said to B, C, D and others.

Beginning of Year 4 I find out htat DD has been put in A's class, and there are only 5 girls out of a class of 14. I have a meeting with the HeadMaster about something or other and I also say "DD is very concerned about being in A's class, it is well known that she has been bullying lots of people, I am unhappy that it hasn't been resolved, keep an eye on it". He assures me that a very close eye is being kept on the situation.

Anyway DD goes off for a 3 day school trip this weekend. On picking her up from the bus on Sunday she is in floods. We put her to bed thinking she is knackered. Monday am she is sobbing, saying she doesn't want to go to school, she is tired. I keep her off school and she sleeps until 10.30am. Tuesday she is sobbing, says she doesn't want to go to school - and I finally winkle out of her that it is because she doesn't want to see A who has been verbally abusing her for 2 years, but is particularly bad this term. Every time she sees her she calls her a pig, a loser, ugly, nobody likes her, etc etc etc.

Anyway I have since found out that child B's parents complained three times in years 2 and 3, were told it was being "dealt with", and the bullying stopped so they left it. Child C's parents complained 3 times in Year 3, were told it was being dealt with, the bullying slowed down, and they left it. Child D's parents complained 2ce in Year 3, once in Year 4, she ws told that the parents were being called in and it was being dealt with so they left it.
It appears it is now DD's turn. I am NOT LEAVING IT. I have asked for her immediate suspension, her return on a one-strike-you-are-out basis, a full review of all the policies and guidelines etc, an anti-bullying day or programme, staff training etc. And I've sent copies of correspondence to the board of governors.

My questions (finally) - what is best practice in this situation? How should the school have handled these various complaints? What is it reasonable for me to expect the school to have done? As far as I can see the Headmaster has not been involved at all - complaints have all been made to various teachers and the Head of Lower School, the Head has not spoken to the child although teachers have, and I think the parents were called in to the Head of Lower School.

I expect I'll have a meeting with HM tomorrow or monday - what can I legitimately tell him would have been done in a school operating approved bullying policies to a best practice standard?

If you've got this far I'm extremely impressed and grateful
xx

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PrincessPeaHead · 11/05/2007 18:47

OK, update time for all you kind people who helped me on this. I'll keep it short because frankly I'm completely drained and my husband has just made me a large gin, the lovely man.

8 parents representing 6 girls at the meeting with the head, deputy and head of lower school, head starts off by listing the failures of managing this whole thing. failure for form teachers to pass complaints to head of lower school, failure of head of lower school to escalate to deputy head or head, failure to bring A's parents quickly enough, failure to follow up on the meeting they had with A's parents by sending a written letter warning that suspension would follow: ergo they couldn't suspend. THey had now, after last fridays meeting with A's parents, sent a letter warning suspension would follow any further problems.

We collectively pointed out a whole load of other failings - failing to comply with the policy to suspend, failure to protect these girls, failure to send a message to the victims that their concerns were being taken seriously, failure to set out any real plan for managing her in the future.

Anyway the long and the short of it was that we came up with sufficient additional horrible things she had done IN THE LAST WEEK (including more hiding of gym kit to get a girl in trouble, more name calling etc) to enable him to suspend. He basically admitted that in 25 years of teaching he had never come across a case of a child bullying so many children indiscriminately, and showing so little remorse or response to punishment, and he felt he had serious personality issues which needed to be dealt with externally. He said he didn't expect that suspension would have any affect on A, but he accepted that it would send messages to the victims, and it would also enable him to expel her the next time, which actually might enable her to reinvent herself as a nice kind person in a new school.

All in all a depressing meeting, but the right result.

Now where is that gin???

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Ladymuck · 11/05/2007 18:54

Oh dear - gin does sound the right thing after a session like that. It just sounds so depressing as one might have hoped that all of this escalation and anguish on the part of the girls, including no doubt A since she will no doubt be herself in anguish at some point, could have been spared if the staff had acted earlier and with more determination. Hopefully given the show of parental concern/indignation/wrath one might hope that there isn't another similar case for some years to come? It strikes me as bizarre that it takes a united show from a group of parents to persuade the HM of the route that he should go.

foxinsocks · 11/05/2007 18:55

omg pph!

well done you for following it up and seeing it through. Does sound like HM is now taking this seriously.

My goodness, that child is very troubled isn't she. It does sound like the HM thinks expulsion is quite a likely outcome.

WanderingTrolley · 11/05/2007 18:56

Wow.

Good on that headmaster.

Somewhere along the lines, A is being failed massively. Well done for achieving this - you must be v proud of yourself and, depending on how large the gin is, slightly pssed.

V pleased and relieved for you all.

foxinsocks · 11/05/2007 18:59

does your dd feel better about the whole thing too?

Califrau · 11/05/2007 19:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thedogsbollox · 11/05/2007 19:09

PPH, well done for sticking with this one - your actions have helped secure a happier school life not just for your own DD but her peers too

I am sorry about your friend

I hope the g&T has hit the spot by now

Pixiefish · 11/05/2007 19:12

What a nightmare for you PPH. So glad its being sorted now though.

There was a girl like Anna at my primary school and she victimsed every single one of us in turn. She was never punished but that was the 70's and there weren't any anti bullying policies then.

Your dd is a very lucky girl to have you as her mummy.

XX to you all

YeahBut · 11/05/2007 19:32

Good on you, PPH. Finish that gin and have another one! I was bullied and I still feel it now, nearly 30 years on.
Do you know what, though - I actually feel a bit sorry for this Anna girl. She sounds incredibly disturbed and almost at the point where intervention is too little, too late. She has been badly let down, too, I think. And in the end, PPH, what you and these other parents are doing is at least giving Anna the chance to address these problems and turn things around. What on earth do her parents have to say about it?

PrincessPeaHead · 11/05/2007 19:55

thank you all, you are all really kind. the gin is so strong I can't even drink it (not being much of a boozer) so dh has been instructed to pour half of it down the sink and top up with tonic

her mother was distraught at the last meeting apparently. she is a very very nice woman but clearly not managing her dd. I really hope A gets some help, because if she doesn't she will go through life with no true friends, only people she bullies into being nice to her, and that is completely tragic.

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PrincessPeaHead · 11/05/2007 19:58

the one good thing about the last week or so is that through all of this stress I appear to have inadvertently lost 6 lbs.

Every cloud and all that [weak smile]

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foxinsocks · 11/05/2007 20:00
tissy · 11/05/2007 20:02

!!Message to PPH's dh!!

The woman needs a bag of chips

NOW!

Aloha · 11/05/2007 20:06

Ah, your dh sounds like mine when it comes to gin! Terrifying.
Well done, you have done an amazing job with a fabulous result not just for your lovely dd but for all the other children. You should feel extremely proud of yourself.

Boco · 11/05/2007 20:07

Wow i wish i'd had you around when i took my boss on for harassment. Sounds like the school are finally taking it seriously and A has had her chips, even if you still need some.

orangina · 11/05/2007 20:08

Ooh, I was just about to call you and find out how the meeting went....

percypig · 11/05/2007 20:12

So pleased to hear this PPH!!

Also v impressed that head admitted his and the school's failings - obviously not good that the situation got to this stage - but I'd be reassured at his final reaction.

Feel sorry for A - agree it sound slike she needs help, hope she and her family get the support needed to turn her behaviour around.

PrincessPeaHead · 11/05/2007 21:46

hello orangina! Will call you tomorrow. I'm knackered xx

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1dilemma · 11/05/2007 22:23

Thanks for updating us. Hope dd is feeling better I'm sure the whole class will be happier in school on Monday. Do hope A gets the help she clearly needs Well done PPH

Frascati · 11/05/2007 22:50

pph ~ I have been through this so know exactly how you feel.

Why are schools so reluctant to punish the offenders? Makes my blood boil I can tell you

My ds (same age as your dd) had this all of last year. This boy was calling him gay, pinching him, dragging him across the playground and kicking him and the school did nothing.

The teacher said that ds had to go and tell her everytime something happened. Ds wouldn't do this, didn't want to "grass"

So one day when ds came home yet again with bruises I stormed into the class and said this stops today. why should my son have to put up with this bullying day in and day out and touch wood the mum was called in and it has so far stopped. One more thing and like you I will take it to the HM and governors. This child also does it to lots of other children too.

We need to stand up for our kids and these brutes shoudl not get away with it.

I am so so pleased that you managed to get this girl suspended. Hopefully it will not only send a strong message to her but also to her parents. Good luck and I really hope this is the end of a truly horrific time for you and your family xxx

Ripeberry · 16/05/2007 21:01

If the parents of this girl had been better at discipline then she would never had got out of control.
She was even bullying the parents for god's sake!
There is a girl down the road from me who is almost like this, and she likes to annoy the neighbours and when she was 4yrs old she used to walk into peoples houses and help herself to the contents for their fridge... no kidding.
Until one day she got locked in a house when the owners went on holiday... that stopped her.
The parents are very liberall and the mother is quite nervous of her, the girl is only 9yrs old... god help us when she is a teenager!
AB

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