Serial, long-term bullying of 5 children by one girl over 3 years - what should school be doing?

[PrincessPeaHead]

I would really appreciate your thoughts. This is incredibly long, but it is a really long running saga.

There is a girl in DDs year 4 group, let's call her Anna. She arrived in Year 2, was put in the other class to DD. I immediately started hearing stories about how she was being nasty to various girls, but especially to Bella. DD didn't have much to do with her because she was in a different class. In year 3 DD was also in a different class to Anna, and I heard she was still nasty and now also bullying Clare and Dora, who were in her class. I regularly asked DD if Anna was "behaving nicely" towards her, to be told that DD tried not to have much to do with her, that she kept her head down, but was told all the terrible things she had done and said to B, C, D and others.

Beginning of Year 4 I find out htat DD has been put in A's class, and there are only 5 girls out of a class of 14. I have a meeting with the HeadMaster about something or other and I also say "DD is very concerned about being in A's class, it is well known that she has been bullying lots of people, I am unhappy that it hasn't been resolved, keep an eye on it". He assures me that a very close eye is being kept on the situation.

Anyway DD goes off for a 3 day school trip this weekend. On picking her up from the bus on Sunday she is in floods. We put her to bed thinking she is knackered. Monday am she is sobbing, saying she doesn't want to go to school, she is tired. I keep her off school and she sleeps until 10.30am. Tuesday she is sobbing, says she doesn't want to go to school - and I finally winkle out of her that it is because she doesn't want to see A who has been verbally abusing her for 2 years, but is particularly bad this term. Every time she sees her she calls her a pig, a loser, ugly, nobody likes her, etc etc etc.

Anyway I have since found out that child B's parents complained three times in years 2 and 3, were told it was being "dealt with", and the bullying stopped so they left it. Child C's parents complained 3 times in Year 3, were told it was being dealt with, the bullying slowed down, and they left it. Child D's parents complained 2ce in Year 3, once in Year 4, she ws told that the parents were being called in and it was being dealt with so they left it.
It appears it is now DD's turn. I am NOT LEAVING IT. I have asked for her immediate suspension, her return on a one-strike-you-are-out basis, a full review of all the policies and guidelines etc, an anti-bullying day or programme, staff training etc. And I've sent copies of correspondence to the board of governors.

My questions (finally) - what is best practice in this situation? How should the school have handled these various complaints? What is it reasonable for me to expect the school to have done? As far as I can see the Headmaster has not been involved at all - complaints have all been made to various teachers and the Head of Lower School, the Head has not spoken to the child although teachers have, and I think the parents were called in to the Head of Lower School.

I expect I'll have a meeting with HM tomorrow or monday - what can I legitimately tell him would have been done in a school operating approved bullying policies to a best practice standard?

If you've got this far I'm extremely impressed and grateful
xx

DDs tormentor has recently been called in by the same teacher because she has been doing the same thing to another girl in the class (teacher was moved from y4 to y5). Parting comments from teacher (who, btw, also called in the girls who had been bullied) was 'now lets draw a line under it and move on'. It would appear that each incident has treated as a separate issue, with no reference to the fact that this girl has done it to so many others

BTW I also tried the playdates & invites to dds parties. Didn't work at all.

Poor little peahead.

I see red to the point where I lose all perspective when it comes to bullying because (you guessed it) I was bullied horrendously and constantly from the age of 9 till I finished school. I didn't feel I had anyone to turn to.

So I hugely applaud you pph for applying some intelligence to the issue and wanting to find a way to end this girl's tyranny, not only for your dd but for the rest of the school. I think keeping as much on paper/email as poss is the right thing and cc-ing everyone you can think of (incl mumsnet!)

It might be that constant correspondence is the way to go - I have found that badgering courteously but firmly gets good results.

I also applaud Enid and anyone else for approaching the child to make a firm unabusive point, especially for not thwacking said child around head with a nearby bench and not shrieking LEAVE MY KIDS ALONE YOU TOTAL SHIT.

Ahem. See previous "I lose perspective" remark

Little pph is a Very Brave Girl, imo.

PS About the tea party - I think it's a good idea. If the girls brag about it (doubtful - prob too scared of Anna) it's ganging up. I think the phrase "We're not afraid of Anna" is spot on - it's not "we hate Anna she smells." I think it would help to get the victims together out of school as much as poss.

I had a meeting with Mr {head of lower school} this morning. I?m afraid it has given me no confidence that the matter has been handled appropriately to date, nor that there is a clear plan of how to move forward.

In particular I was concerned that when I pointed out the bullying guidelines in the School Handbook had not been followed (first offence, child to HM and letter to parents; second offence, child and parents to HM and plan put in place; further offences may lead to suspension and expulsion), his immediate reaction was to say that the Guidelines should be rewritten.

I was also concerned that he stated that suspensions for bullying had occasionally been invoked, but only when there was physical violence involved. I feel very strongly that a child should not have to be physically hurt before they are protected from bullying, and that verbal bullying is often much the much more emotionally damaging of the two.

I also feel that Anna has been failed by the school in all of this ? if robust policies had been followed in Year 2, and Anna had been given very clear boundaries and sanctions for overstepping them, she may have modified her behaviour and been a more popular and happier little girl as a result. She was not, and her behaviour has now been entrenched for almost three years.

We need to have a meeting. I think it would be helpful if SENCO was there too, her expertise on both why Anna is bullying, and what coping and assertiveness training can be given to the victims, will be extremely useful. She should also be fully involved in putting together a full anti-bullying programme which the school clearly desperately needs.

If you think it would be helpful for Anna's parents to be involved in that meeting, as well as other the other parents of girls who have been bullied, I am amenable to that. I would point out that I haven?t had the opportunity to speak to {another mother], but word has reached me that {x} may also have been bullied by {Anna}. Perhaps you could look into that.

The bank holiday is coming up ? I would be grateful if you would suggest a time for this meeting early next week. My husband will endeavour to attend if he is able.

just fired that off

ccd to governors and head of lower school, poor man

whaddya think?

I think it's brilliant, PPH.

And I think you deserve applause, even more so because I am certain you will chase this up if they try to sit back on their haunches.

Letter sounds good, bet the other parents melt into the woodwork though. Currently have a 'satisfaction survey' from dds old school (dd1 still there and in y6) It's supposed to be confidential, but there are a number of answers I would like to put which will make it obvious who it is from. DD1s teacher this year can be quite nasty, and they are going on a week long residential in June. Do I fill in the survey accurately, and risk said teacher making dds life a misery for a week, or do I leave it but recognise that by not saying anything I am allowing this situation to continue for the next lot of children?

Do the parents of other victims stand up and risk making their child a focus again, or do they breathe a sigh of relief that bully has moved off their children and onto someone else?

Brilliant PPH

I think you're going to get some serious results

ppph id get all the other victims parents involved too
very seretly.

its a measure of you that you still feel sympathy ofr th ebully.
good for you.

actually I think you need to be extremely careful here

your role is not to take part in the censoring / challenging / or behaviour modification of Anna .. although your gut as a parent would tell you that is what is needed

your role is to be advocate for the victims (your DD and others)

if you start expanding your role to include meetings to discuss Anna's future development then you're treading on difficult water

Letter sounds good. The news that Anna's mother is a staff member at the school brought tears to my eyes though pph - the person who bullied me was also a staff member's child at school and nothing was ever done about it for that reason
My mum did a Twiglett in the end and (pls remember this is 1969) told the child sotto voce that if she ever went near me or anyone else she had been bullying again, my mum would knock her and her gang into the middle of next week .
I think your letter and sustained campaign involving the Governors is far better, I hope it proves as effective
I do feel sorry for this poorly-parented little girl, she is clearly turning into a monster for want of proper support and discipline

I disagree, Twiglett, because the school is NOT dealing w/Anna's behaviour and consequently allowing it to affect others negatively.

I remember that scenario so well batters your poor dd. Twiglett does have a point. But an underlying concern for the bully's circumstances is a still good thing to have in that it can keep one's white-hot rage in check perhaps...

it is not a parent's role though expat .. it is similar to the point where if your child is hurt by another child the school is not supposed to tell you which child did the hurting

it is privacy

I think pph has acted in an exemplary manner .. it was just a word of caution (from what I know of being a governor)

twiglett I think you are absolutely right. I reallyjust wanted to flag up that I think the school has failed on all counts - the victims and the bully. But I don't have the inclination or the energy to sort out Anna's problems, and frankly that is for the school and the parents to sort out.

I do think that the senco (a really excellent woman) will be horrified to find out what has been allowed to go on for so long, and take a very robust view that it should not be allowed to continue, which is why I've suggested she comes and takes things forward with Anna

But Anna isn't my job

marina, my dh and I were both bullied at school. and talking to my sis (the lovely orangina) she reminded me of what a horrible time she had at primary from constant and insidious bullying.

and talking to my housekeeper about it (aged 51) just now - she told me that she had been bullied by pupils AND teachers at school and then started crying and told me she had also been abused by an uncle
It is the first time she has told anyone, her husband of 29 years doesn't even know. . She said that she has suffered from rock bottom self esteem and confidence her whole life.

It has been quite a morning, I can tell you

peaheaed
wine

How sad for your DD - bullying is horrid. It's horrid when your LOs are upset through others.

The parents of the bully need to know how you, other parents and her victims feel. I would press for a meeting with the HM and the bully's parents.

If my children were bullying I would want to know - and want to know why they felt the need to be a bully.

This bullying will go on and on if she's not stopped now. Unless a bigger fish bites her!

I was bullied at school too and personally I think verbal is, or can be, worse than physical

How is your dd pph?

nine, oo

No, how is she?

oh sorry!
she is OK- she had a really good talk with the HM's wife, who is very nice, and has given her some coping strategies. SHe's also making sure she bumps into her at least 3x a day and each time asks her "have you swatted any flies today?" If DD has had to deal with A she says "yes, I've swatted two flies" and then will go and give her details later. If there have been no problems, she says "no flies today".

DD thinks this is fantastic, loves having a secret code, and really feels like a responsible adult is on her side and taking her seriously. So that is all wonderful.

However I spoke to another mother I hadn't managed to talk to last night, and apparently A is bullying her dd horribly this term - mostly about her weight and her parents recent divorce. She is going to write a letter to the HM and governors as well.
That makes SIX of them.

I tell you, it is suspension or nothing, I'm quite firm on that one now. She is poison.