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Original poster

May have to take ds1 and ds2 out of independent school

136 replies

helbel3 · 19/04/2007 20:18

I am absolutley devastated, dh business has been going from bad to worse for 6 months now. Resulting in the possibility of maybe us having to withdraw ds1 and ds2 from independent school.

To say I am devastated is an understatement, I am crying. Ds1 in year1 would not suit a state school unless very small and initimate, ds2 who is due to start reception in september would adjust fine I think.

Anyone had experience of this, please really appreciate truth no matter how bad.

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maisym · 20/04/2007 22:29

I'm a sahm & I'm proud to show that in 2007 this is what women can do.

The difference is that I respect the choices/ the situations of no choice that other parents have.

happybiggirl · 20/04/2007 22:29

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jura · 20/04/2007 22:33

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Original poster
helbel3 · 20/04/2007 22:34

No, i am full time at home. I have three children 6, 4 and nearly 2. dh has his own business works long hours and away alot. So when we had ds1 we decided one of us should be constantly at home for stability, I bowed down from my career. At the time it was a huge decision for me, but I am so glad I did it. ds2 starts school in september and i feel it getting closer every day, i will miss him so much, but he is so ready at the same time, he would be happy to go now.

OP posts:
ohDearie · 20/04/2007 22:35

maisym - women can only do this if they are with a partner who has a reasonable well paid job or claim benefits.

Original poster
helbel3 · 20/04/2007 22:36

thanks for that jura, it is nice to hear that people have been in the same situation makes me feel not as alone as I first did.

I think things are going to turn around, but, if they dont. At least we have a lovely family and we will get through whatever we have to.

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Original poster
helbel3 · 20/04/2007 22:37

i think maisym, was trying to say that she loves being a sahm mum, but also respects those people who cannot stay at home because of cirmcumstance and options available to them.

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happybiggirl · 20/04/2007 22:44

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maisym · 20/04/2007 22:46

helbel - thats what I mean. The post by Xena just got to me that it says women should work to pay school fees - women work for many other reasons that school fees - living costs & supporting the family being two examples. I'm a sahm but respect that others may make this choice or may chose to work or may not be able to choose if the work or sah.

FluffyMummy123 · 20/04/2007 22:46

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happybiggirl · 20/04/2007 22:48

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Original poster
helbel3 · 20/04/2007 22:49

cod, you have just made me laugh for the first time in two days.

OP posts:
nappyaddict · 21/04/2007 00:08

i just scrolled up and read that comment and thought who just said that. good on them for saying what they really think. should have known it would be cod!!

its not true that you have to have a rich husband or claim benefits to be a sahm you just have to prioritise (sp??) and make sacrifices.

i know a mum who is a sahm and to do it they budget lots. they go on up to 4 holidays a year, but they go on sun holidays. they only use the car for long distances and getting the food shop in. where ever else is possible they walk. they don't buy a lot of "unneccesarry" food as she calls it. they buy the basics - fruit, veg, meat, rice, cereal, flour, butter, eggs, cheese etc and cook from scratch. they also have a vegetable plot and grow some veg themselves. she hunts down bargains from car boots and ebay.

so imo you don't have to be loaded in order to sahm. its just about what sort of sacrifices you are willing to make.

slondonmum · 21/04/2007 07:00

I have to say helbel3 (and apologies if this is going slightly off at a tangent) - I work three quarters time ie three long days a week - but even with just one daughter it can be sooo tricky juggling all the childcare - so it would be a nightmare with three, expecially while they're young. My sister has just gone back to work this year (her oldest are 11 and 12, her youngest is 6) she's enjoying it (she retrained as a dietician), but finds working full-time with all the kids EXHAUSTING. And her little one is struggling rather in school, because she doesn't have much time to read/go through spellings with him. My partner too works unpredictable hours we both spend our lives compromising in our jobs. But we have to both work for the money whether paying school fees or not!!!

ssd · 21/04/2007 07:17

I stayed at home with a joint income of about £14 a year, for about 8 yrs

SAHM's make a choice and a LOT of sacrifices, I'm not on benefits or have a rich dh

WOHM's also make sacrificies too, maybe not financially, maybe in time spent with their kids

It's an insult to think sahm's are loaded oe claiming every benefit going

I wish!

ssd · 21/04/2007 07:18

£14k!

we're not THAT skint!!

seeker · 21/04/2007 09:08

There are good state schools and good independent schools. There are also dreadful examples of both. Just because you pay doesn't mean better. And it is incredibly important to remember that the VAST majority of children go to state schools. That means that the vast majority of university educated and professional people in this country were state educated. My dd is going to a state secondary school in September where 99% of pupils get A-C at GCSE - beating several well known local independents. And most state primaries, particularly the smaller village schools are fabulous, nurturing places. So you need to look at individual schools, not at sectors.

And for the record,Xenia, in the real world, most women who work do so to put food on the table rather than to pay mega-bucks in school fees. Your world is just not available to the vast majority of the population - limited access only!

noddyholder · 21/04/2007 09:13

It is difficult for any child to make changes in their school.But many do and as we all know they are adaptable and your problem really is that your business is faltering not that you may have to put your kids into state school.Xenia does talk bollocks

twentypence · 21/04/2007 09:20

being home is deadly dull anyway

maybe in your home.

Chocolateface · 21/04/2007 09:28

Helbel, you have my deepest sympathy,as my DH has his own buisness, he had a really crap year, and we decided to sell our house and move in to rented to ensure we wouldn't be reposesed. I'm really not convinced private shcools are that much better than state (I want to both). Maybe you could have a look at some state schools, to see what you think. I really don't think it's a terrible thing to do, to send one private, and not the other.

Judy1234 · 21/04/2007 09:32

Just for me in terms of the things I enjoy. I think this thread is good because it shows the different lives parents choose to lead. Some are content to live on very low incomes with one parent (male or female) at home. Others wouldn't accept that low income and feel the parents both need to work.

Working parents do give time to their children. I think some parents at home ignore their children and send them out to play for long periods and depressed parent sits in fron tof the T (some, not most but some) and some working parents rush home for 6 every day and give lots of attention to their children and all the weekends. It's hard to generalise. We found the more we put into the children the more you get out but obviously in our case over 22 years that has been after work. Also our children were at private schools where the school day was often to 4pm or later and then almost every day there would be school activities - choir, orchestra and some of our five were very sporty so my daughter might have been 3 nights a week at some sporting thing and then they get a school coach home which takes over 30 mins so it's getting on for 6 anyway by the time they're home. the twins at age 8 their school day ends at 4 . If they have a rugby match or club after school it's even later. So certainly as children get older at private schools often they're getting home when one parent is getting back from work anyway.

Other thing on the thread - not taking children out of school very important for some parents but not others. Some would rather sell the house (I would) than change their schools if we're happy with the schools.

helb, I probably know your school but don't say, as I am from the NE originally (went to private school there) and often still up there to see my father.

twentypence · 21/04/2007 10:09

I think if your younger child would be happy and thrive at state school then that would solve 50% of your money worries. Managing your existing outgoings has got to take priority over making large new commitments. Plus it will show the head at older ds's school that you are serious about how bad things are and they may come to some arrangement with you.

seeker · 21/04/2007 10:29

Xenia - what makes you think state schools don't have after school activities?

Judy1234 · 21/04/2007 10:34

..seeker, the absolutely enormous teenage children from our local state school who walk by just after 3 every day! when the infants in the private school still have their heads down doing academic work never mind after school stuff but obviously schools do differ.

wangle99 · 21/04/2007 11:27

I haven't read other messages so forgive me....

Speak to the headmaster/mistress and bursar about posibilities of temporary bursaries so you could sort yourself out.

We had this happen and it was a nightmare, removed DD from private and put her back into state and omg it was awful. She hated it and thank god we were able to move her back again after long discussions with school.

Please try and speak to the financial side of the school you never know....