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May have to take ds1 and ds2 out of independent school

136 replies

helbel3 · 19/04/2007 20:18

I am absolutley devastated, dh business has been going from bad to worse for 6 months now. Resulting in the possibility of maybe us having to withdraw ds1 and ds2 from independent school.

To say I am devastated is an understatement, I am crying. Ds1 in year1 would not suit a state school unless very small and initimate, ds2 who is due to start reception in september would adjust fine I think.

Anyone had experience of this, please really appreciate truth no matter how bad.

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helbel3 · 20/04/2007 11:56

gg, have your girls gone back into the private school or still in state. slondonmum, that is what I am afraid of with ds1 he does not need much distraction for him to forget what he is doing

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MummyPenguin · 20/04/2007 13:34

helbel3, your DS1 sounds much like my DS1, in terms that you feel he wouldn't settle, and his teachers having to 'reel him back in' in the class situation. My DS1 is just like that. He took a good 6 months to settle at pre-school, cried every day of that. Had same problems when he started primary school, and would go through it again at the start of each new school year with the change of teacher and classroom. He's 8 now, and it's only recently that I've been able to leave him in any group after school activity. He's always been a boy that hates change, hated swimming lessons etc, as it was full of kids he doesn't know. For a time he wouldn't even go to parties of his school friends as he just didn't like those sort of settings. He's getting better as he's getting older, and I'm sure your DS1 will too. How old is he?

If you have no alternative but to move him to state school, well, he's just going to have to lump it, isn't he? I know it's hard, and I'd feel the same as you, but realistically, what can you do?

Personally, I don't like private schools, I think they're over-rated and a waste of money. Perhaps it's easy for me to say that, as I'm fortunate that my three go to an excellent state primary. I can relate to what Colditz said in her first post.

helbel3 · 20/04/2007 14:55

hi mummypengui, ds1 is in year1 6. He is fine with after school activities and swimming lessons and things like that, he loves it. Parties he loves but still dosent want me to leave him, so alot like your ds in that respect. He even said this morning "mummy, when I am in the senior school you will stil pick me up wont you?"

He even gets anxious about residential trips that take place in year 6, can I go.

Glad you have such an excellent school.

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GameGirly · 20/04/2007 15:04

Helbel3, DD2 is still at state primary, DD1 is now private secondary.
You will love having the extra money if you're no longer paying fees, I can assure you!

MummyPenguin · 20/04/2007 15:41

Bless him, I hope it works out for all of you.

slondonmum · 20/04/2007 19:12

Yes I really hope it all works out for you too ... I am sure it will, whatever the outcome. The main difference I can see between Independent and state school is that at the state, you have to keep far more on top of what your kids are up to. At the private (rightly or wrongly!), I was rather lazy and left them to get on with educating her! I trusted them you see to get the absolute best out of her -and to give her a rounded education - I don't where she is now. If it comes to it, and you need to send them to state school, there are plenty of outside activities you can use (as they get older) to supplement what they learn in class ... if I was keeping my DD in state school, I would definitely put her in the Explore Learning maths groups that run once or twice a week in our local supermarket. I also get her to write lots of stories at home as she doesn't seem to do much of that at her current school. Of course, you'll have more spare money to spend on these extra activities.

helbel3 · 20/04/2007 19:45

thanks slondonmum, I thought that might be the case at some schools, I will let everyone know what we are doing. But I really do appreciate all your kind words, facts and support.

I was feeling quite low yesterday. Now I feel yes I will be disappointed. But, he comes from a good family who have firm family values and alot of love. I think that is a good start in life as any.

By the way dh dropped another bombshell, should we pack up and move abroad What is the man trying to do to me, give me a heart attack. That I think I will save for another thread.

Thanks all

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Judy1234 · 20/04/2007 20:13

Do work? It sounds from the thread it is your husbamd's not your own earnings that pay the school fees? Could you not go back to full time work as many women do? That would be better than taking them out of school. Also perhaps take in a lodger at home or a long term loan or remortgage the house etc.

portonovo · 20/04/2007 20:30

I would look at the true state of the alternatives before panicking. It may be that it isn't anywhere near as bad as you're imagining.

A girl in my youngest son's class joined the school last year from a private school. Her mum had always planned to take her out at secondary school time, because our secondary schools are so good, but financial pressures meant she had to do this much sooner than planned.

She now says it's the best thing she could have done, for both her older daughter and the youngest who has just started school, and wishes she'd done it years ago!

It really is melodramatic for your husband to say he'd rather die than take them out of the private sector.

Take a deep breath, and a good long look at all your options. Look at all the state schools which are practical from where you live. Go and see them in person, get a feel for them.

Be open-minded and don't pre-judge schools beforehand. For example, you say one child needs a small and intimate school, but my children are in a big-ish school which still retains a lovely family feel to it. Every school is different, so approach each one in a fresh way.

If staying private matters that much to you, then perhaps consider some of the options Xenia mentioned, but also consider the impact these could have on family life (if you take in a lodger or go back to full-time work), or on your longer-term finances (if you remortgage). Speaking personally, I would say none of these options would be worthwhile just to keep your children in a private school, but then I'm not you and I don't have the same concerns or priorities.

It would be a change for your children, there's no denying it, but it needn't be a negative one. And it sounds from your posts like it may not even come to that. But if it does, make sure the children don't pick up on any negative feelings - it's better if it's presented in a matter of fact way as a normal or desirable thing, or even an exciting thing!

nappyaddict · 20/04/2007 20:43

could you keep ds1 in and send ds2 to a state school?

helbel3 · 20/04/2007 20:46

hi porto, I do agree with you, I would not go back to work full time in order to send children to private school. I feel that what they gain from having me around is much more beneficial than a private education. As someone else pointed out on this thread, if a child is in a loved stable environment then they will settle in another environment eventually.

We wouldnt take a lodger either as again this would disrupt the family unit.

We are a very loving family and I believe the time I give to dh and children is worth more than a private education.

Like you pointed out, it may not even come this anyway. I am just keeping my options open and fully researching options just in case.

Thanks for your comments, I am glad you think like I do, that my time at home is much more important than private education.

Not possible also for me to go back to work as dh works very long hours and often away alot at such short notice.

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Judy1234 · 20/04/2007 21:58

people's views differ. I think women working full time is hugely good for families, the example to the children and raising the family standard of living which is a fairly priceless thing and can be better for chidlren. Obviously some people think having a parent at home is beneficial too so just do what you think is best but if you compare my daughter's very best friend at their private primary school who had to leave when her father lost his job and mother had to give up hers because she had cancer and who those two girls developed and their GCSE, A level results and what they did later it is just a classic illustration of the state/private divide.

helbel3 · 20/04/2007 22:02

Xenia, are you saying that your dd who left private school and went to state school didnt do as good as your dd? if so, could the fact that her mother had cancer also had an influence on her results and therefore ultimately on what she did later???

sorry if i have misunderstood what you are saying.

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Judy1234 · 20/04/2007 22:05

The mother recovered thankfully after a year or so when the girl was about 10. I just think the reason my eldest or one of the reasons got good A levels and degree and has this job where the starting salary is £50k when she qualifies, assuming she passes her exams, is because of her very good private school and her friend who left to go to a Catholic state school and got a pretty pathetic set of GCSEs and now works in a shop or something is entirely because of the school change, the lower expectations, the different school environment and they were very very similar girls, both got into Haberdashers under fierce competition, both equally as clever as each other. I think the least mothers can do in 2007 is work to pay school fees, to show girls what women can achieve etc and being home is deadly dull anyway and by no means better for children so why do it? Rubbish school, no money and no benefit to child or mother works, more money and child goes to good school - it's a no brainer.

happybiggirl · 20/04/2007 22:10

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happybiggirl · 20/04/2007 22:10

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helbel3 · 20/04/2007 22:10

xenia, we obvioulsy disagree on mums being at home. but that is cool. I dont find it dull and dreadful. I grew up with just my mum who had to work all the time and really felt that I missed out because of this.

But I do agree in this situation, you are right, your daughter has probably done better because of the expectations of her private school, ambitions, ethos and discipline. Hence the reason why I was so upset at the thought of taking children out of school.

Dh and I have sat down and gone through everything logically and we are going to be able to keep the boys there and dd when she reaches school age.

So we will agree to disagree on mums staying at home, but agree on the education front

But, watch this space, you never know I may go back to work when dd is older, never say never.

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helbel3 · 20/04/2007 22:11

hi happy, i have just posted that I think it if it is possible that parents at home that it is important just like you said yourself.

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happybiggirl · 20/04/2007 22:16

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helbel3 · 20/04/2007 22:20

hi happygirl, everybody has there opinion and that is fine. If xenia had posted that yesterday then I would probably have been crying my eyes out now, but a lot better today. And obviously works for xenia and her children so her comments are sound based on her experience.

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happybiggirl · 20/04/2007 22:22

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helbel3 · 20/04/2007 22:23

are you looking forward to going back to work, or are you a bit worried?

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happybiggirl · 20/04/2007 22:24

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happybiggirl · 20/04/2007 22:25

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helbel3 · 20/04/2007 22:28

your not taking over my thread, it is lovely to hear that you are excited and nervous. You will enjoy it and you will be able to share your days events with the children at the dinner table as you share theirs. It will be great.

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