School want to know too much

[Balinahome]

My daughter started school this September (she’s just 5) and I had to request a days ansence due to an appointment I had which I’ve known about from before she started school. The reason stated on the request form was ‘for personal reasons I will not be able to collect my daughter from school’ As I wouldn’t be around to collect her from school and I had nobody else available to collect her so she had to go to my MIL for care until I returned from the appointment.
I received the form back from the headteacher which stated that the School cannot authorise avoidable absences which I am very irritated about as they have no knowledge of why I couldn’t collect her therefore how could they possibly know it was avoidable? I found the comment to be obtuse especially given that she is not yet of compulsory school age. I’ve sent the head a strongly worded (but not rude) email in response stating that my personal life has nothing to do with School AIBU?

And before people judge the whole idea of being married but still not having a partner as a single parent, I will point out that some parents are not available sometimes. It happens. It might be because of their work schedule, they may be travelling for work, they may have mental health problems and not be up to single-handedly dealing with a child. In my case, my dcs' father was abusive and had mental health and alcohol problems so I couldn't leave the dcs with him. Perhaps the OP didn't want to have to explain any number of possibilities to the receptionist as to why the father couldn't provide childcare.

"A medical appointment" is really all she needed.
But thr OP didn't even give that.

For all reception know it could be that she's booked in to get her hair done and it's the only time she could get it in. So totally not a reason.

If the OP said 'I have a hospital appointment at local town hospital' that would be fine.

What the OP needs to realise is that schools have to think of things from the perspective of the most vulnerable child. Parent calls and says they're off for a day because parent has an appointment. Very vague. Parent gets defensive. School start thinking 'surely all she'd have to say is i have a hospital app'.

“Perhaps the OP didn't want to have to explain any number of possibilities to the receptionist as to why the father couldn't provide childcare.” The OP doesn’t have to explain anything to the receptionist beyond having an appointment and unfortunately no one who she can ask to pick up (drop off) her daughter.

You aren't a problem but there are plenty of slack neglectful parents who make similar excuses and it is difficult to distinguish.
I wouldn't read into it and it sounds like it was a once off so I would leave it.

I agree Maisy. Also it's fine for them to ask how long she'd known about the appointment, especially if the appointments were going to be a regular thing, as it's not appropriate for a child to miss school regularly, however infrequently, because a parent hasn't organised an appointment adequately. Asking these questions might have enabled them to signpost her to solutions that would have avoided this in future.

In fact, it's quite possible that they might have intended to, or even actually, offered alternative solutions, but the OP rejected them. I'm not entire sure that this OP would have presented a fair, reasonable or accurate account of the exchange.

But the OP could have been cooperative and said 'hospital appointment' / 'legal appointment' etc. Rather than just 'appointment' become defensive when appointment could mean anything from 'in court trying to fight an abusive ex to prevent him having unsupervised contact with the kids' to 'it's really difficult to get my hair done eith my chosen stylist in the next city'.

What people forget is that reception staff (and in secondary attendance admin) hear all sorts and will often have spent years hearing all sorts from parents of perisstent absentees. They are not being awful. They are doing their job.

Put it this way, if I had a student who was off because homr had an appointment and then home were defensive then that would probably leave a not in my brain to apy attention to that child's absence more in future.

School are right to question any appointments which require a whole day off school! In most cases it would lead to missing part of the day or coming in late/finishing early.

The OP doesn't have to explain. But you can't decide not to explain why an absence that is avoidable in most cases isn't in yours and complain that the school have marked it as unauthorised on the basis that it's avoidable.

In most cases it would lead to missing part of the day or coming in late/finishing early
This. If we go on thr basis that there is genuinely no alternatibr than the child being out of school then a full day is still ridiculous.
It sounds a bit like 'i can't be bothered to do the school run and then come back later to drop her at MILs so I'll keep her off and take her to MILs all day because that is easier for me'

yabu. reading the title of your post I thought poor op has been landed with school questioning her home life with regards to some minor question over your DC. (eg stain on uniform leading to numerous nosy question as to how well you cope)

you may be in for a shock OP.

Well done vipers, you drove OP away. :(

Beamur posted this on previous page, would have been rather helpful to OP before she fled, I couldn't find anyone saying same message.

"Unless the rules have changed, when my DD was in Reception, she wasn't legally obliged to be full time until the first full term after her 5th birthday. So it's possible the OP's daughter doesn't actually require to be in school every day."

for personal reasons I will not be able to collect my daughter from school

As this is what the OP stated on the form, of course the school cannot authorise it and want to know a few more details. Reception staff, like all other staff in the school, have safeguarding training. They are legally required to be on the alert for instances when 'personal reasons' could mean 'until the bruises fade' or 'because their violent father won't let us out of the house' - I can't be the only primary teacher who has encountered both in my career.

'As I have a medical appointment that I cannot change, I will be unable to pick my child up from school at the end of the day and thus will have to pick her up at 12.30 pm to take her to my MIL's as I have no alternative childcare' would give no specific information away, would be polite, and might well produce a helpful solution e.g. 'II understand the situation. Would you consider the alternative of X out of school care for a single day, as we know they have occasional places?'

As the OP turned a form in for this prior to the appointment (because she said she turned in a form, it went to headteacher, and then she got it back), it's not likely that it would be for bruises to fade or because the child isn't being let out of the house, when the request is for a day in the near future. It's not like the OP rang in and said child wasn't coming in. The child would be in school the day prior to the appointment and after the appointment.

Beamur's information is wrong though. The OP's DD doesn't have to start school until January, but once the OP agreed to start her full time the situation changes slightly.

Reception staff, like all other staff in the school, have safeguarding training. They are legally required to be on the alert for instances when 'personal reasons' could mean 'until the bruises fade' or 'because their violent father won't let us out of the house' - I can't be the only primary teacher who has encountered both in my career.
Secondary here and seen both.
Also seen Mum and Dad want to go away and the flight is on yhe afternoon so y12 student needs to be off for the day to do the pickups for the kids at primary. Homr called in sick but the y12 student told us.

'As I have a medical appointment that I cannot change, I will be unable to pick my child up from school at the end of the day and thus will have to pick her up at 12.30 pm to take her to my MIL's as I have no alternative childcare' would give no specific information away, would be polite, and might well produce a helpful solution e.g. 'II understand the situation. Would you consider the alternative of X out of school care for a single day, as we know they have occasional places?
This. They may be able to squeeze the child into wraparound care for one day or the child could attend an after school club as a one off.

Well done vipers, you drove OP away.
The OP was unreasonable
She suggested that she's superior to other parents
Said she's been told not to come onto MN because it is a chav fest
She has said in future she will lie to school if she wants to keep her child off in future.

And you think the posters are being unreasonable for pointing out the issues?

First we posters were called chavs by OP, and now called vipers by a poster....

You can afford a private school fees, but you can't afford afterschool child care? Or you can't be arsed to arrange it? As you live far from your support network, don't have a partner to share childcare with, and don't plan on becoming friends with other parents, then you'd better get your act together and hire someone who will get your child to school and back.

Beamur posted this on previous page, would have been rather helpful to OP before she fled, I couldn't find anyone saying same message.

"Unless the rules have changed, when my DD was in Reception, she wasn't legally obliged to be full time until the first full term after her 5th birthday. So it's possible the OP's daughter doesn't actually require to be in school every day."

But it’s not a helpful comment because, as many pp who work in schools have pointed out, once a child is on roll at the school, they are expected to attend every day unless they’re not well enough, just like every other child on roll at the school.

I’d you don’t want your child to go to school until they’re of statutory school age, defer.

I would also just lie. I don't see any issue with a reception or primary school child missing an occasional day off school if otherwise they have good attendance. I think the schools or Ofsted if you like are so inflexible, its just the easier option.

I couldn't find anyone saying same message.

That's because it was misinformation.

Lying to the school is an awful idea. Be honest. My children are going to be at primary school for 7 years. Better to build a relationship with the staff based on trust and respect. But then I'm an honest person.

chavfest bye snowflake.

ptumbti no she started in September, the Summer term Birthday dc didn’t get any reception back then and ironically this was the same with myself in the 70s

I don't see the issue with a single day off either. But it wouldn't make a difference to me whether that absence was marked as authorised or unauthorised in the register.

Lying just makes it difficult for other parents who need to take time off.

I think the schools or Ofsted if you like are so inflexible, its just the easier option
Perhaps, until all your odd little days "ill" are quite evidently not and then the school present an attendance review because anyone in school knows that the type of kids who have lots of odd days aren't usually ill it's just home find it easier to keep them off for minor things or to fit around their plans.
They call you in for a meeting and say 'we have a number of concerns that you are failing ti ensure your child attends. On these dates you called your child in ill. We have concerns that odd days off here and there are disruptive to a child's learning and really if they are so ill to be off school then normally we would expect them to be poorly enough to be off for a couple of days'.

OP then says 'but it's for my appointments' and the school say 'but you've told us that your child ws ill' and makes a mental note that not only was mum rude, vague and defensive the first time but she has lied on later occasions. Any concern they may have had is now exaggerated because clearly they cannot trust the parent's version of events. So they probably make a note in their safeguarding file of the admission of lying and continue to monitor absenve closely.

If you have a child of school age then you need to sort childcare. If you have an absolute emergency (so not an appointment thats been known for months) then be honest with the school.