School won't keep our place - what to do?

[VitAL]

Hi all,
I'm really stuck with a difficult dilemma and would appreciate any thoughts. DC is currently at a very academic pre-prep, we chose it precisely for their leavers' destinations, they send a lot of children to three top selective indies high on our list and some pupils to a couple more selective schools. DC is happy there, but I want to give 4+ a go. I feel I would really regret if I don't, would be thinking all the time about opportunities lost and it's a bit easier to get in at 4+ than 7+. I wouldn't say DC is exceptionally academic at 3.5 but strong-willed (sometimes to the extent of being bossy with even older children), emotionally mature and disciplined/co-operative so I think could do quite well at 4+.

The problem is our school won't keep our place for Reception if they find out we're sitting 4+ and I think they easily can as it has very good links with most of the schools on our list. I have actually sent applications to two schools before I knew about our school's policy (it's not an official policy AFAIK but people talk). I've no idea if they actually ask for references and reports at 4+. I'm still thinking about applying to at least three more schools. I guess (I'm not 100% sure) I could leave the current school's details blank on application forms but I feel bad about it TBH.

If we get kicked out of the current school we might end up with no place at all. We might possibly get a last minute place at a non-selective non-academic indie, but that would mean extra money on tuition for 7+ with less chances and much more uncertainty as we plan to buy a house close to the school if DC gets in at 4+, if not that would be another 3-4 years in limbo.

I'm at a loss what to do and so stressed about the whole situation that I lost sleep. Should I abandon the whole idea and wait until 7+?Please help, I really need to make up my mind.

I'm sure we all occupy our own very disparate worlds - probably none of us can speak for the majority.

FWIW, I probably do live in something of a bubble, but not really an Oxbridge one. We don't live in Ox' or 'Bridge and our children do not go to school there. My social life is almost entirely separate from my professional life. Moreover my voluntary work takes me to yet another very different world.

And if the whole business of 11+ wasn't so horrendously stressful for children.

They pick the stress up from their parents. Relaxed parent = relaxed child. Chill. It'll be fine.

I haven't read all this thread but have read enough of the OP's posts to start me wondering whether I should stay on mumsnet or not. OP you do not have a terrible problem that causes sleepless nights. You are according to your own posts:
wealthy
have healthy, smart children
have lots of choices of both state or expensive education for your children

This agonising choice about 4 plus or whatever is really really not that stressful. I am not going to relate all the things that are causing me stress at the moment but rest assured they would give you more than sleepless nights. Please recognise all the good fortune you have and enjoy your life.

Agreed Cansu. I've reported Op's posts, at best her comments about other poster's children are insensitive at worst their offensive...

oops *they're, clearly I educated at a dead comp

ahh should read 'clearly I was educated at a dead end comp', clearly..

ViTAL if we are talking about the genius children strolling into whichever high achieving school and high powered career and daring to compare that with requiring 24 hour 2:1 care in a residential home then you really are delusional.

I genuinely don't understand what people are trying to achieve by this kind of competitive educating. Is it all about the money, getting the kids the big jobs? Is it about the bragging rights?

Seems to be all about giving your kids a stress filled childhood to get them a job that will give them a stress filled adulthood.

All I want is for my kids to have the opportunity to achieve as much as they want academically and to have choices that enable them to find work that will keep them happy and hopefully keep the wolf from the door.

Hothousing and pressuring them so that they can get some godawful city job where they have no life, and buys them a tiny flat in a rough part of an overcrowded city, well that just makes no sense to me.

And if you have a bright one, well you have a bright one. DS is at a naice but normal primary, getting 100% in most of his practice Y6 SATs and a happy go lucky kid. No tutoring or stressing or hothousing required or desired.

DS is at a naice but normal primary, getting 100% in most of his practice Y6 SATs and a happy go lucky kid. No tutoring or stressing or hothousing required or desired.
Sounds lovely.
Its totally possible to have a happy childhood and do well in life.
Some MN school threads are just worlds away from what life is like for most kids though. The vast majority of kids avoid being caught up in overbearing competative parenting

@Devilishpyjamas where did I say my DC with disability is strolling into high powered career? Care about proof links? No, nobody actually cares, I know.
Just report my posts as they seem to be so offensive to many (despite not being read by the same people and despite my children and myself having been insulted on this thread many times).

ViTAL - I am disagreeing with your definition of 'severe disability'. You claimed your family is in the same boat as mine (my son is non-verbal, does not have capacity, is on p scales, cannot have IQ tested, has delayed language - below a 2 year old level, requires assistance washing/dressing, cannot go out without 2:1 support ). I was saying that gave me a certain perspective on academics/careers etc.

Your situation is not the same if your kids are going to high achieving schools. Frankly they're not the same if your children will get 1 GCSE. My son's latest AQA certificates include 'using a cafe' and 'making a sandwich with support'. That is where I developed a certain perspective on the pointlessness of sacrificing all for exam results and high powered careers.

@irregularegular the majority speaks for itself quite eloquently, obviously. No need for extra help.

Sooo... are some bubbles better than others? Is the majority better than any minority? Must we all comply? And to what, really, if there are just different bubbles out there - bubbles with boarding at 7, bubbles with Oxbridge prof parents, bubbles with N London wealthy lefty, bubbles with simply no choice etc etc?

@Devilishpyjamas I'm not using 'my own definitions", I don't have any as they are useless. It's just the diagnosis, ICD is universal. Are we arguing whether a person with severe motor impairment (who cannot actually make a sandwich) is less (or more, doesn't matter which way around) disabled than a person with cognitive delay? I can't believe we're doing this, let's just stop, it's ludicrous.

Devlish well done to your ds on his latest certificates/achievements. Unfortunately, I think a lot of people who haven't 'been there' can't really grasp what it means to have disabilities such as those your ds has. I do wonder though, the OP says she is autistic; it is common for people on the autistic spectrum to have difficulties seeing things from other people's perspective. May be that is the difficulty here?

blaeberry I was also wondering if the OP's slightly aggressive/defensive manner is because she says she's autistic. She seems to be getting rather upset and in fact said it would take a couple of days to get over some of the comments. OP can I suggest you leave it now if its upsetting you that much it really isn't worth getting so upset about TBH. Its inevitable that if you post on an open forum, people are going to voice their opinions that may be contrary to yours.

the majority speaks for itself quite eloquently, obviously. No need for extra help

My point was rather that there isn't really "a majority" at all, but lots of very different circumstances and outlooks, so none of us can claim to speak for it.

I don't think it even makes any sense to ask whether one bubble is any "better" than another. I don't know that would mean. I just wanted to point out that I don't think I live in an Oxbridge bubble - though I have colleagues who largely do. I just work there.

Blaeberry - I think you are right.

ViTAL you are being incredibly crass and doing the most severely disabled a huge disservice. I'm afraid you have completely missed the point on perspective that happygardening was making and I was supporting.

In terms of bubbles happygardening and I have sent our children to very different schools from each other and have had access to very different choices. Yet our attitude towards education, 'success' and what matters in life is very similar. No bubbles here.

@happygardening I'm not upset, I'm just being straightforward as many ASD are.

Oh just report me, Devilish No need to communicate with such a crass person.

I don't feel any need to report you. It's a shame you haven't really understood my point but still.

Incidentally no assortative mating going on. Ds1 is a simplex case who regressed following an illness.

I find VitAL's situation totally perplexing and keep on reading hoping that I can make sense of it, and it just gets more confusing the more I read.

Let me see if I have got somethings right

The OP is sending her not so particularly clever child to an expensive hot-housing school but not because she even wants him to go to university, which is really not hard to get into.

The father is particularly against private schools.

And its all because the family live in North London.

OP is almost non-verbal autistic but a neuroscientist.

...who wouldn't be able to achieve an AQA certificate for making a sandwich with support...

@Devilish I think I understood yours as well as happygardening's point. I read your initial comments higher up the thread and just thought I had nothing to add or ask about.