DS not invited to a party

[CandyCrush77]

Found out today that DS1, 8, has not been invited to one of his close friends' party. There are 13 boys in his class and although I am not sure how many are going I think it is most of the boys in the class. DS1 doesn't know yet but trying to work out what to say to him why he asks me why he hasn't been invited. Really heartbreaking as he isn't that popular in the class and he really likes this boy and I know would want to go. Even harder is that his mum and I chat all the time and I now do not feel like being friendly to her in anyway, in fact, I am not sure I will have anything to say to her. Really hurts that people have to be so divisive. Another mum said she was surprised DS wasn't going and thought it could be because DS1 and the birthday boy can be a bad influence on each other as they are both quite fiesty. I know I should just get over this but very hurt on DS1's behalf and very pissed off with this woman.

Irvine, what is confusing is that this child does seem to like DS and play with him at least at school which is why it's going to be confusing for him if he finds out. There have of course been other parties where he hasn't been invited and all the usual reasons apply (pressure on numbers, can't go to everything, not close friends) but in this case they do play together all the time so it doesn't make sense. Is this child playing with DC but doesn't really like him?

WHY do you think it'd the parents?! You are sounding really paranoid now OP.

And you say you aren't demonising his parents?! What would you say no longer being their friend because of this is?! You are making out that they are intentionally excluding your son, with no evidence of this WHATSOEVER!

Apostrophe, I am going to report you. I'm not here to be abused. Direct the venom elsewhere.

Another thing to think about is, being silly and told off/reminded by teacher can be the reason why some children decide to stay away. At 8, they are getting more mature, finding learning fun and interesting.

My ds would have joined in and be silly in the past, but not anymore. They start to realize about consequences.

Sorry cross post. It seems confusing to me too. I don't know...

Irvine, I have throught about it thanks, and discussed with the teacher. If i'm told all is fine then what would you like me to do? This other child is also prone to occasional silliness, as are other 8 year old boys. They are 8, after all.

I think if I have good relationship with the Mum, I might ask her what's going on. There can be real good reason. No point of losing a potentially great friend over misunderstanding.

If you say something to the parents you'll likely upset the applecart of friendship. Which looks like it'll happen anyway.

What a pickle.

Whatthe, it's not paranoid to think that this might be the parents' decision. From what I can tell, there has been a conscious decision not to invite him. There may be one or two other boys in the class who are not going because they are not close friends of this child, but DS is, or at least appears, very friendly with this child.

I don't know why you are here, OP. The majority are trying to tell you that you are behaving irrationally and you just aren't listening.

If other boy is silly as well, that could be the reason he decided to stay away from your ds. That seems like what my ds chose to do this year. He knows he can have fun, but also knows he can get into trouble. He told me he decided to stay away from one of his old friend since nursery, since he still keeps messing about and keep getting into trouble.

Wow. I was going to offer advice but see its all already been covered by PPs.
Candy you need to take a huge step back. Thinking of saying something or falling out with the mother? Surely that is a form of exclusion? Are you not pissed off because you feel that your son is being excluded? We parent by example. Be the best example to your son.

As an aside you've stated on this thread that you're a single mother....I know your name from the conception boards. Are you not ttc & thinking of treatments with your DH? You've certainly started threads stating so.

I am not going to say anything unless she approaches me for a chat as she does usually and did last week when she told me how much her DS likes my DS. I knew about the party and managed not to say anything as I thought/hoped he might still be invited. Looking back I think it was some kind of consolation prize. I won't be rude but I simply won't make an effort with this person. There clearly is no "friendship" as such. I've have learn over the years that you can give a lot, try to be friendly and make an effort but that it gets to a point when, if it is not reciprocated, then the healthiest thing for you and your self worth is to stop. For example, there is another mum who has never once said hello to me. Not once in 4 years. No reason as far as I am aware of, just looks the other way or blanks me. I used to say hello, smile then wonderred why I bothered. Now I just blank her and I feel so much better. Dignity, self-respect and belief in your self are really critical.

Glaggow, I have a partner but in terms of parenting, I am a single parent.

Apostrophe, I started the thread, that;'s why I am here. Why are you here?

First I think year three/four is where parents stop doing the choosing or influencing the choosing for parties. I know I stopped inviting the dc that I was friends with the parents when my dd was in year three.
Secondly, as they get older, the parties get smaller. They are less fluid in their friendships and the things that people do at parties are more expensive. When you are having fifteen at a party a parent can say 'oh, let's invite jane' but when there are only five it's not as easy as that.

It may be that this other child does not see your DS as one of his closest friends. I know that my dd considered a little girl to be her best friend in year two but I'm sure my dd was not this girls best friend because she was a lovely girl who absolutely everyone liked. I'm sure she liked my dd well enough and she played with her but that was that.

Ok yes Op...your child is been persecuted. You are right..It is your child been excluded for no reason at all because he is just like all the other children and they all exclude for no reason at all..Infact they want no one more at the party than him..So yes go into school make a fuss..Fall out with mum and never ever speak to her again and make things uncomfortable on the playground

Or : just not understand it and move on.Knowing your DS either doesn't know about party or does and understands and if he find out might handle it fine.

Glasgow, I am pretty sure that the mother won't be bothered nor would be DS be aware, or bothered. The parent is in her mid 40s - DS is 8. I don't have to like or socialise with other parents, in fact, this whole episode is a good reaosn to keep a distance.

But doesn't that make you sad though? If they blanks you, no point of making effort, but actively blanking them from your side brings you down to their level. You have nothing to lose by saying hi when eyes meet.

There is no reasoning with the OP guys, she's made up her mind that this boy and his parents have some sort of vendetta against them and therefore the best way to deal with it is have a massive strop and start blanking them, you know, the really mature and adult thing to do 😂

Best we leave her to it, I think we are just fuelling her paranoia about the whole thing.

I've not been on mumsnet long but I'm really shocked at some of the responses!

OP I feel for your son (and you) - I can remember not being invited to parties at primary school and it hurt! I really dont think you're overreacting and I would feel the same as you do. Simple acts of kindness like this are important imo. How hard would it be for the mum to have invited your boy too?

I do think there may be a misunderstanding though, so if I were you I would maybe double check he definitely wasnt invited?! maybe you could ask (innocently!) if they were planning any celebrations for her son? I dont know. My dd is starting primary school in september and I'm DREADING these scenarios. Her birthday is in the first half term (ie will likely be one of the first parties) and I'm hoping we can set an early precedent of inviting everyone in the class and being inclusive. I know that wont work forever and is maybe unmanageable but I would hate to make someone else feel the way you and your son are feeling :( xx

As I said, I will not be saying anything to this person at school or otherwise. DS will not go to the party and will have to deal with it. What else are we supposed to do? If you want me to say, oh I am so silly for being upset on DS's behalf, then sorry, I can't. I will cover the upset but I am upset.

I hope posters condemding me for being upset make sure that they absolutely do not EVER get upset about anything of a similar nature. I am also stunned, but not surprised, by some of the absolute venom on this thread. Really shocking that mumsnet ALWAYS degnerates into this. But it does explain and help me understand why other parents behave as they do.

And thanks to the vast majority of posters whose comments really helped. Makes a massive difference.

Thanks Fleur, couldn't agree more. Leaving this thread now as the vipers are making me feel a million times worse. x

You might be surprised at how well your son reacts though. Yes it's shit. Yes it's hard as a parent to watch & I've been there. It sucks. The only thing you can do is explain to him that you don't always get invited to parties etc but that that is OK. Explain that is the other boys loss but don't dissuade your son from being friendly with the other boy. Tell your son you will do a really special activity on the day of the party, he might actually enjoy this more!
As for the mother, do what I did. Be the bigger person. Don't let it show that it hurt. Be civil & friendly but not overly so but don't just stop talking to her. She might not have had any sway in who her son wanted to invite to his party. Children as young as this have friendship groups that change like the wind.

Thanks Glasgow. That's good advice. I will follow it. She would have known that DS would very much want to go (the party is doing something he really loves) so it'll be hard to find something better but I'll try.