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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

DS not invited to a party

155 replies

CandyCrush77 · 21/06/2016 23:16

Found out today that DS1, 8, has not been invited to one of his close friends' party. There are 13 boys in his class and although I am not sure how many are going I think it is most of the boys in the class. DS1 doesn't know yet but trying to work out what to say to him why he asks me why he hasn't been invited. Really heartbreaking as he isn't that popular in the class and he really likes this boy and I know would want to go. Even harder is that his mum and I chat all the time and I now do not feel like being friendly to her in anyway, in fact, I am not sure I will have anything to say to her. Really hurts that people have to be so divisive. Another mum said she was surprised DS wasn't going and thought it could be because DS1 and the birthday boy can be a bad influence on each other as they are both quite fiesty. I know I should just get over this but very hurt on DS1's behalf and very pissed off with this woman.

OP posts:

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LunaLoveg00d · 22/06/2016 19:23

I know I should just get over this

Yes you should.

As children get older this is going to happen more and more. By the time they're 10 at our school it's 3 or 4 friends max for cinema, pizza or a sleepover. Your child will not be included in everything all of the time and the sooner he (and you) realise that the better.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 22/06/2016 19:23

Horribly blunt I agree, but I genuinely can't see how adults behave like this!

Floggingmolly · 22/06/2016 19:30

Bojoro. You decided on boarding school as the antidote to your child being left off the guest list for parties?! And as soon as the other children (and their parents) realised this; the party invites for her and coffee morning invites for you flooded in? 🙄
That the most bizarre thing I've read in a long, long time.

Costacoffeeplease · 22/06/2016 19:52

Cross my child and you cross me. Just the way it is.

Wow, very dramatic - do you often over react to things?

Original poster

CandyCrush77 · 22/06/2016 20:36

Ok, this is very revealing. Obviously a substantial percentage of parents see it this way, that is doesn't matter, get over myself. I see it differently. Whatthefreak, I genuinely don't get how you have the skin of a rhinonsaurus and get on a thread berating someone seeking support and advice. Guess we are all different.

OP posts:

Original poster

CandyCrush77 · 22/06/2016 20:42

And Cory, it isn't teaching him dignity to keep inviting over a boy who never invites him anywhere, despite playing with him all the time at school and his mother telling me they are good friends. It's called having some pride and accepting that if someone doesn't invite you then it's their loss and you are perfectly fine as you are. It's not a case of him just being one of many omitted. Most of the boys, if not all the boys in his class, are going. He has been deliberately excluded and I have every right to be upset about it. The mum and the boy have every right to invite who they please and i have every right not to be friends with them and to try to protect my son against people who are less than sincere/divisive/don't want him around. And yes, you cross my son, you cross me. I don't care how nice or friendly someone is to me but if you don't behave in a decent and fair way to my child then that is it I am friends with numerous parents of girls in the class so it's not about just being friends with parents whose kids are friends with DS. In this case, DS is part of a small group of friends and has been deliberately excluded.

OP posts:

Original poster

CandyCrush77 · 22/06/2016 20:44

Yes, Costacoffee, I overreact to everything. I spend all day overreacting whilst working full time and raising two DCs. I love overreacting and getting upset for no reason. Such a good use of time and energy. Do you get upset about certain things or nothing at all?

OP posts:

Costacoffeeplease · 22/06/2016 21:20

I don't over react like this - you sound like something out of The Godfather

meowli · 22/06/2016 21:25

Even worse is that DS is asking that we invite this child over for a play date next week! I've tried suggesting other friends but he wants this boy. I will say no but it's really sad.

Maybe you should let your ds invite this boy for a play date, even if it is against your better judgement. It would make him happy, and you would absolutely take the moral high ground!

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 22/06/2016 21:35

costa! 😂😂😂

Obeliskherder · 22/06/2016 21:40

Erm, so your son wants to invite this child and you forbid it. No wonder you're leaping to the conclusion it's the mum's fault. Some of us let our kids choose who to invite, believe it or not, even if it doesn't service our own friendships.

Hodooooooooor · 22/06/2016 21:45

You cross my son you cross me? Are you in the mafia?

Do you think maybe he's not getting invites because the other mothers have realised just how odd you are?

starry0ne · 22/06/2016 22:11

You really need to step back from this..My Ds was not invited to a close friends party at 8..I worried he wasn't getting on. When my DS asked me I said no idea. I didn't do the invites.. DS asked friend..Friend said limited numbers...It was a football party ( DS is not a natural been kind) Friend was very into football and can see why DS wasn't invited.

Left my DS to get on with dealing with it as he wanted to. A year later good friends..Child has been to our house to play and my DS has been to his house..Ds invited other child to his party this year..Other child didn't have one.

My point is it is not for you to sort out have all the answers..IF he is upset..give him a cuddle, tell him you love him and let him find his own way.

As for falling out over what one boy does you will be very lonely.. I am sure my DS has not always been nice to others and vice versa...I am sure you DS and his friend are the same.. How do you know child didn't want your child there and mum now feel embarrassed.How do you know your DS hasn't done something horrible and mum trying to leave it in school..

I get it hurts..I don't get why it is yours to resolve and why you can't be friends with this mum.

beeny · 22/06/2016 22:17

bojorojo
Your post was very helpful, from an upset mum in the same predicament.

IoraRua · 22/06/2016 22:19

You need to step back from this. Having a sense of pride is important, but so is not getting in a snit and overriding the wishes of your child to try and get back at someone else. That is ridiculous and petty, and not a good life lesson.

Chalk2000 · 22/06/2016 22:29

I agree with previous poster... as hard as it is take the moral high ground and perhaps have this kid over to.play
..

Original poster

CandyCrush77 · 22/06/2016 22:54

No way am I having this child over. An important lesson in life is not to run after people if they don't/can't make an effort. Of course I will do everything I can to soothe this over for my son which means making/investing in other friendships with kids who like him, not ones who clearly don't. Also to add, we have had this child over to play before and it's never been reciprocated. Sorry but it stops there.

Hoodoo, if I am that odd then why do they keep inviting me for drinks/coffee, go out of their way to chat? They certainly don't with all the parents.

Costa, I may sound like the godfather but you sound like a nasty piece of work.

OP posts:

corythatwas · 22/06/2016 22:55

CandyCrush77 Wed 22-Jun-16 20:42:35

"And Cory, it isn't teaching him dignity to keep inviting over a boy who never invites him anywhere, despite playing with him all the time at school and his mother telling me they are good friends. It's called having some pride and accepting that if someone doesn't invite you then it's their loss and you are perfectly fine as you are. "

It may be your definition of dignity. To me it sounds more like getting into a strop.

I have found that my children are better served by having a mother who stays calmer than they do, who is able to see things in perspective and say "yes, I can see that this is upsetting but trust me, it isn't worth getting really unhappy about".

As another poster said, reacting very strongly to everything done to your child can backfire: what about if your child says or does something unkind one day (as most children do sooner or later), do you really want other parents to decide that this is it, now they know that you and your ds are less sincere and will not allow their children to play with him again? Your attitude could easily result in him being completely socially isolated.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 23/06/2016 05:22

Very well said Cory.

Clearly the OP knows best though, and we should all take personal vendettas about anyone who doesn't include our children in anything, and cut off our noses to spite our faces. No, don't invite them to play anymore, the kids don't need friends do they, not when they've got mummy to sort everything out for them.

claraschu · 23/06/2016 06:10

OP I have seen this reaction on here before, though this is more virulent than most. It always surprises me, but it also explains why there are mean kids around: lots of parents are mean and inconsiderate.

It is mean for this boy, and particularly for this parent, to exclude your son. If the boy wants to exclude him, the parent should be pointing out that your son will be upset and that inviting him and being friendly will not ruin the party.

I think your job is to follow your son's lead while gently encouraging him to look for other nicer friends.So, watch him to see if he is upset and try to help him deal with that by acknowledging his feelings but helping him to see that this is not a big deal and that everyone has to cope with this sort of thing sometimes, etc... There is a chance that your son will not be particularly bothered and will get over the disappointment fairly easily, so I would try not to let your feelings get in the way of that. I wouldn't stop him from inviting the boy over (and I have been in this situation before) as I don't want my children to think like that.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 23/06/2016 06:33

So you are saying clara that children should have no autonomy, and should be told who to invite to their parties? Are you children not people in their own right with thoughts and feelings? Do you not respect their choices?

It's a bloody parry for gods sake! You simply cannot invite everyone and this will happen every year, and then as an adult so it's good for them to learn now they won't always get involved in everything going on. Why must we shield children from every minor disappointment in life? How will they learn to deal with it if we do?

And as for the attitude of "cross my child you cross me", it's so unnecessary! Kids are perfectly capable of sorting this crap out for themselves without, frankly unhinged-sounding parents getting involved.

In 5 years of parties, no parent has ever come to me and demanded to know why my elder DD hadn't inivted their child to her party. If they had I would have been equal parts amused and embarrassed on their behalf.

Costacoffeeplease · 23/06/2016 06:47

Personal attacks - nice

You do sound unhinged, and frankly, you are showing your son a terrible role model - you still don't know how many boys have actually been invited. Calm down and show him a better way of dealing with these types of situations for the future

Scarydinosaurs · 23/06/2016 06:57

In your OP you said your DS is fiesty and He and the birthday boy can rub each other up the wrong way.

^^ this will be the reason he isn't invited- who would want this at a birthday party?! Also- given the tone of your posts, it is quite obvious where he gets this 'fiesty' nature from.

exLtEveDallas · 23/06/2016 07:00

Last year DD invited 4 girls to a sleepover for her birthday - leaving out one girl who she also plays with and whose mum would have said they were 'close friends'

She left her out because this girl, whilst being her friend, also puts her down at every opportunity. If DD has one item, this girl has two. If DD has been in the netball team, this girl has been in netball and hockey. If DD went to Tenerife, she went to Elevenerife.

Whilst DD puts up with it at school (and on play dates) she didn't want to have to put up with it for a full 24 hours.

Mum has been noticeably cooler since, but frankly I don't care.

JessicaRabbit3 · 23/06/2016 07:04

I have a DS who is almost 8 hrs friends constantly change ALL the time in the last couple of years he's had several best friends. Very typical of the age I don't understand why your so invested in birthday partys. Personally if DS gets an invite great if not it doesn't matter. They will find there own feet.

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