DS not invited to a party

[CandyCrush77]

Found out today that DS1, 8, has not been invited to one of his close friends' party. There are 13 boys in his class and although I am not sure how many are going I think it is most of the boys in the class. DS1 doesn't know yet but trying to work out what to say to him why he asks me why he hasn't been invited. Really heartbreaking as he isn't that popular in the class and he really likes this boy and I know would want to go. Even harder is that his mum and I chat all the time and I now do not feel like being friendly to her in anyway, in fact, I am not sure I will have anything to say to her. Really hurts that people have to be so divisive. Another mum said she was surprised DS wasn't going and thought it could be because DS1 and the birthday boy can be a bad influence on each other as they are both quite fiesty. I know I should just get over this but very hurt on DS1's behalf and very pissed off with this woman.

I do think you need to calm down about the situation as pp said it could be they fell out or your precious DS hasn't been kind to the birthday boy or limited numbers who knows but you will come off crazied and unhinged if you challenge the parent. As I stated I have a child the same age he's changed best friends several times since primary school and has a solid group of friends but his best friend changes. We took him to flamingo land the other day and I allowed my son to choose ONE friend he happened to pick my friends son but totally his choice no influence from me.

I agree with the poster who says both boys feisty together is probably the key.A bad influence on each other.. My DS picks his own friends but I wouldn't be encouraging a friendship that brings out the worst traits in my DS.

My DS wanted to invite a friend who he fell out every day at school. ( year 1) ..They are friends now and other child has been here but until they learnt to get along in school he was never coming here.

Whatthefreak of course children should have autonomy, and get to choose who to play with. However, there are always people you have to make a little effort to include and be nice to. There is a balance to be found here. If there is a child who is on the fringe of a group because they are new to the area, or have some sort of disability, or look a little odd, or are very fat, children need to be considerate, and they have to learn to make a bit of an effort to be kind.

In this case, it sounds like the other mother has made a point of being extra friendly to the OP, and it sounds like the boys do play together at school, and the birthday boy has been happy to go to OPs son's birthday and over to his house on a number of occasions.

Maybe the birthday boy doesn't consider OPs son as a particular friend, but there's no reason to think that OPs son has been bullying the birthday boy.

In this case, if I were the mother and I was having most of the boys in the class over, I would encourage my son to think about how OPs son would feel if he were left out, and I would hope that my son would decide that he would rather include someone and spread a little happiness around (as long as there are no serious problems here that we don't know about).

I think the OP is a bit over the top in her reaction because her son doesn't have many friends in the class. Anyone who has had a child who struggles socially will know that it is easy to overreact when the one or two people you count on for support turn away from your child. Of course a child with lots of friends will be tough enough to deal with a non-invite to a party; it doesn't matter to a popular child because he has lots of other friends.

We will have to agree to disagree. We don't know that the boy wasn't invited for any of those reasons, it's more likely mum said ypu can invite for eg. 10 friends, and so he has. Those 10 don't happen to include the OP'S son. This is life.

Parent's getting so emotionally involved in their children's social lives is, to me, utter madness.

Yes its a bit of knock back but children need to learn some resilience or how are they going to cope later on in life ?

A. You are going to feel a bit sill if the invite has gone awol - which they do!

B. FGS its not the other boys fault that your son is not invited, most people I know helicopter any invites and steer their child to invite who they want. I don't think cutting a friend out over a birthday at age 8 is really a valuable life lesson.

Have you checked your Junk email folder?

Clara The other parent could well have done a lot of pressuring/persuading her son to include OP's son, but ultimately unsuccessfully. OP doesn't care if this is the case or not, or whether the birthday child wanted him on the list or not, she's taken the parent not INSISTING that her son is invited as mortal offence.

OP I really think it sounds like the other child doesn't like your son as much as your son likes him, which is unfortunate but very normal. That would explain the unreturned playdates despite the mum's friendliness to you. Any friends can fall out. Also in a 7/8 year old's mind you can like someone, and be happy to play together regularly, while still thinking of them as only your 8th or 9th best friend. Sometimes the cool kids they aspire to play with may be higher on their list than those who actually deign to play with them at break. Of course as parents we should try to guide away from this kind of thinking, but for all you know the other mum may have done exactly that.

Also, I do think the other mum may think of herself as a separate person from her son, allowed to have her own friendships which are not defined by her son. OP you plainly take the opposite view.

Generally you'll set a better example to your son if, when not sure of the facts behind something, you give others the benefit of the doubt. Assuming malice where there may be none will do neither of you any favours. If you teach him to get in a huff every time he's slighted, he'll only find it harder to make and keep friends. It's hard work and not much fun trying to be friends with someone who's touchy and easily offended.

Noo ne gets invited to everything. Just explain that's how it is. He /you can't guess why not invited . i'm so pleased we were mainly before the time of huge whole class parties where tea at ours or ( best ever with 5yr olds) a picnic in the park was a good party...

It doesn't mean that the other boy doesn't like him just he had to choose I guess.

The worst party we had was exactly this- DD invited to a " whole class party disco" that was actually all the year 6 by her bully. She didn't want to go but felt she had to otherwise it was " letter the bully win"... that was horrible!

I have a child who hasn't been invited a lot. And didn't have a lot of friends either.
What I've learnt is that one child might be your dc's best friend but your DC might not be their best friend iyswim.
It's crap. It hurts and I have stopped being friendly with some mums after some crap behaviour around b'day stuff.
The best you can do is explain to him that yes it's crap, yes it's life but that it's also a way to find out who his true friends really are (or who is utterly rude to you etc...)
After one isrticulat incident, my DC started to have out with other children, children who arent as popular but are much better suited to him. He actually has made much better friends since then.

Hoodoo, if I am that odd then why do they keep inviting me for drinks/coffee, go out of their way to chat? They certainly don't with all the parents.

They are probably entertained by you

I think you really need to take a step back from this.

Thank you Clara, your posts are spot on. When you do have a child who is not the most popular and it the "in-group" then you do rely more on what you think are a couple of close friends. And I totally agree that whilst you let them choose who they want to invite, this should not be at the cost of making other children feel like shit. Parents should be sensitive to that. I would firstly insist that DS should invite anyone who has invited him to their party and would try to make sure that there were not a small number who were excluded.

DS has not been bullying this boy in any way, They are fiesty together, yes. Is that a reason not to invite a child to a party. So you want to teach them about the real world but in the real world you avoid people who bring out the worse in you and good behaviour is only dependent on avoidng those people?

Costa, you mention personal attacks then launch into an attack on me by calling me "unhinged" and a "terrible role model." Seriously, where do you get off calling someone that? How dare you. For the record, my son is unaware of this party (so far) and I have said nothing to him. I am here to seek advice about how to explain this to him should he ask. I happen to think I am a pretty good role model for my DCs. I work full time in a demanding professional job and I'm a single mother. I finish work at 7 then spend 2 hours reading/playing with my kids, doing homework with them. I do everything I can to give them good lives and to make them kind, decent people and to know they are loved. The fact that they are happy, loving children is testament to the fact that I am doing a pretty good job.

For those saying I must teach my son resilience, well, at the age of 8 he has already been through a divorce and his father leaving him and he's doing pretty well. You cannot always protect them against pain and crises like that which is why small kindnesses DO matter. It would have cost this mother nothing to be kind and inclusive.

Hi Fuchs - no personal attacks on this thread please. Criticism is ok but suggesting I am mentally ill and being mocked by other mums (whislt not true) is offensive. Please leave either stop or leave the thead. Thanks.

His mother could be just trying to protect him from a boy she sees as a bad influence?? Is it so hard to have a little empathy for her? Why all the drama. You will cause your son problems if you stop him playing with the children he wants to.

So I am supposed to have empathy for her and accept my child is a bad influence? So in your view, all children who could be seen as "bad influences" should be excluded from parties?

They are fiesty together, yes. Is that a reason not to invite a child to a party.

Yes it is a very good reason, Why risk disruption at a party which has been planned with two fiesty kids? Its easier to avoid the situation.

So you want to teach them about the real world but in the real world you avoid people who bring out the worse in you and good behaviour is only dependent on avoidng those people?

Yes. In the real world, I avoid people who bring out the worst in me and advise my dc to do the same.

For the record, my son is unaware of this party (so far) and I have said nothing to him. I am here to seek advice about how to explain this to him should he ask

You explain by saying 'Thats life mate' Sometimes you are invited to parties and other people are not, sometimes you are not invited to parties and other people are. Its no big deal. Why make a song and dance about it?

It would have cost this mother nothing to be kind and inclusive.

Parties DO actually cost money.

Oh FFS it's not even about you! Your son wasn't invited to a party, get some bloody perspective!!!

He hasn't even noticed, and if he does you just breezily explain that not everyone could go. Simple. There really isn't any need for all this angst and hand wringing and talk of banishing this boy and his mother forever! All this anger seems exhausting OP.

Personal attacks? Saying you are mentally ill? Where on earth did you get that from from my post?

If he does find out afterwards, which he probably will, I would just say that you declined as you did something else that day. Poor your son! I hope it will sort itself out

Ok lets take out any possible reason ..As no one knows why...There is a reason..Whether it is they fell out on the day on invite he had 5 places and your Ds was place 6 ,

If you think your child is unpopular do things to encourage friendships..Draw a list of friends to invite over for a play date.. Invite a group over see how they play together.. Teach your DS about behaviour that will make him unpopular with other parents or peers. ( if you tell me their are none I will know you are in denial as they all do have them). this is for you and your child to work through how to be more popular..My DS did match attax stickers despite having no interest in football because his friends are.

This is another childs birthday not a chance for them to make your child feel better. As for inviting anyone that invited my child..Mine has been invited to girls parties but wanted all boys parties as older. Some people he might be close to in September but never play with them 6 months .. later. Mine was 9 this year..He was told he had 9 spaces and that was all that could be invited. He wrote the list not me. I did not consider what was going on in anyone else's lives as it was my sons birthday we were celebrating..

If your Ds is not popular it is not this lady or her sons fault. I think you are looking for someone to blame.

NoFuchs, I disagree. Some people do think differently than you:

Some kids are fiesty. Kids need to learn to deal with different types of situations and people. DS and this kid love playing together. I love and celebrate my child's fiestiness and sparky nature.

In the real world, you cannot avoid those people. What if you get one as your boss? Also, my child is fiesty, he is not a criminal and does not need to be avoided.

Of course I will give a breezy explanation to my son but if he is hurt and asks why this kid didn't invited him when they play together all the time and get on well, I woud like to acknowledge his feelings rather than telling him to get on with it and "that's life mate". It is life yes but life can be unfair and it can hurt. I will acknowledge his upset not tell him to get over it.

This family are very wealthy and the party is at home. Money is most definitely NOT the reason he's not invited.

DD was one of only 3 children not invited to a party. Childs dad is a TEACHER at the school. Disgusting behaviour.

I feel for your DS OP!

Thanks Yoko, I was wondering whether to say that.

Whatthefreak, if you really the thread rather than launching attacks you'll see that I was defending myself against being accussed of being a "terrible role model for my son." And yes, DS hasn't noticed YET but no doubt they will all be talking about it at school this week and probably next week after the party.