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Original poster

DS not invited to a party

155 replies

CandyCrush77 · 21/06/2016 23:16

Found out today that DS1, 8, has not been invited to one of his close friends' party. There are 13 boys in his class and although I am not sure how many are going I think it is most of the boys in the class. DS1 doesn't know yet but trying to work out what to say to him why he asks me why he hasn't been invited. Really heartbreaking as he isn't that popular in the class and he really likes this boy and I know would want to go. Even harder is that his mum and I chat all the time and I now do not feel like being friendly to her in anyway, in fact, I am not sure I will have anything to say to her. Really hurts that people have to be so divisive. Another mum said she was surprised DS wasn't going and thought it could be because DS1 and the birthday boy can be a bad influence on each other as they are both quite fiesty. I know I should just get over this but very hurt on DS1's behalf and very pissed off with this woman.

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corythatwas · 22/06/2016 12:46

I went the opposite way, Data, and insisted for years on inviting a boy in ds' class because this boy thought he was a close friend of ds and kept calling round for him: in the end ds was pretty well hiding under the bed clothes to get out of socialising. I gave up on the day when ds pointed out that I get to decide who my best friends are so why shouldn't he?

KatsutheClockworkOctopus · 22/06/2016 12:48

I am in my forties now, but still vividly remember an occasion at primary school. Close friend's (or so I thought) sister gave me an invitation to his party. He then told me it was meant for someone with the same name, and I wasn't invited. I was very sad. While I get what PPs are saying, I also understand why Candycrush77 feels upset on her son's behalf.

Agree with others that you shouldn't say anything though!

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 22/06/2016 12:51

Maybe my DD is just more resilient then, because she genuinely has never been bothered if a friend in school is having a party does not been invited to. Most activities have a max no of say 20, most kids have friends outside of school or close cousins etc too, so it's unrealistic go expect your child to always be invited. DD just knew it was one of those things and didn't give it a second thought.

I'm amazed so many parents get so upset over this! Maybe it's not just the kids who need a thicker skin! 😉

Chalk2000 · 22/06/2016 13:00

I appreciate that this hurts due to the fact that the boys are good friends and you get on with the othet boys mum.

I would just subtly mention it in conversation .... something like gosh cant believe its his birthday soon any plans for it ?

ApostrophesMatter · 22/06/2016 13:16

Cross my child and you cross me. Just the way it is

FFS, OP, grow up.

Paniniswapx3 · 22/06/2016 13:21

I would go with Chalk2000's suggestion as perhaps it's a mistake, if they are such good friends & she sounds friendly to you, so very unusual.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 22/06/2016 13:23

You need to let this go and toughen up a bit or you've got years of angst ahead of you.

I'm amazed at how involved some parents get with all this sort of stuff. Just explain to your DS that numbers were limited and it's impossible to invite everyone.

My DD is 15 and a mum has recently gone a bit offish with me. I thought I was imagining it at first - at secondary school you rarely get that friendly with other parents, but this mum used to text to say thanks for a sleepover, or she'd come in for a coffee when she picked her DD up etc. I noticed over the last few weeks that she just peeped her horn for her DD, never text etc.

Mentioned it to DD recently in passing and she said "Oh yeah that's because I didn't choose her DD to share a room with me on that school trip". I mean seriously!! Some people need to get a few hobbies Grin.

Autumnsky · 22/06/2016 13:25

I would suggest OP to ask that boy's mum about the party, normally we don't do this. But on this occasion, they are close friends, and OP get on well with this mum.There must be a reason for this, it would be better to find out the reason.

Original poster
CandyCrush77 · 22/06/2016 14:54

Sorry, not had a chance to read all of this but wanted to clarify that we only invited half the boys in the class as the others were away or were not close friends and had not invited DS to their parties. I didn't mind as DS is not a close friend and would't have minded. The invitation was by email to the parents as another mum told me. Definitely no mistake. And yes, if she had reason not to invite DS, I would expect her to explain why IF she considers that we are friends. She clearly doesn't in which case she won't mind if I no longer speak to her.

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CandyCrush77 · 22/06/2016 14:58

Even worse is that DS is asking that we invite this child over for a play date next week! I've tried suggesting other friends but he wants this boy. I will say no but it's really sad.

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CandyCrush77 · 22/06/2016 15:01

Also to add, the party is at home and this family are wealthy. I have a strong feeling that most of the boys in the class are going.

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1stDayOfSummer · 22/06/2016 15:05

I can imagine how sad you it is going to be telling your DS.

Wish I could suggest something else but I can't.

Original poster
CandyCrush77 · 22/06/2016 15:09

thanks Summer. Definitely not going to tell him. Just hope he doesn't find out but expect they will all be talking about it at school. Poor boy. Just seems unnecessarily nasty.

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EricXXGmex · 22/06/2016 16:05

My child is well behaved at school, and well liked by the other children as far as I can tell. He is funny and clever and considerate. And yet in a class of 30, most of whom have parties, he has been invited to 4 in three years. In the same time period he has given out 60 party invites.

I think it bothers him - he definitely notices. How can you not notice that all the children around you have been given party invitations before morning registration? But I don't feel it would be correct to raise it with him in case it hasn't occurred to him that he might be bothered.

It makes me sad for him that invites are so rarely reciprocated - and although he's popular he doesn't really have close friends yet - from the perspective of the other parents, you can't invite everyone, so you invite (or suggest your kids invite) the other kids they are closest to - that makes perfect sense on a per-party basis. It just pans out that on a per-class basis, DS doesn't get invited to many parties at all. It is life, but life can be cruel.

corythatwas · 22/06/2016 16:43

CandyCrush77 Wed 22-Jun-16 14:58:51

"Even worse is that DS is asking that we invite this child over for a play date next week! I've tried suggesting other friends but he wants this boy. I will say no but it's really sad."

So you are telling your ds he can't invite somebody he likes over because you took offence when he was not invited to a party? And you think this is going to make it easier for him to fit in socially?

You are the adult: it is your job to teach him resilience and dignity if you want to make his life easy and enjoyable. Sometimes there will be nothing you can do: other people will genuinely behave badly and you cannot always soften the blow. But any resilience you have modelled to him on other occasions, even when your heart is breaking for him, will make it easier for him to cope with that too. Modelling touchiness will never help him with anything.

At least that is my experience.

Hodooooooooor · 22/06/2016 16:48

You really think the answer to your son being not very popular is to NOT let hi, have playdates with kids he wants to, because YOU are in a snit about him not being invited to a party? Hmm

You really need to get over yourself. You don't get invited to every party in life, thats normal. He'll get over it. Don't give your terrible attitude to this, or he really will suffer, and not just over this party.

Oblomov16 · 22/06/2016 16:52

If someone else reported it as feisty and not a good influence on eachother, then I think that is very telling.

oompaloompaland · 22/06/2016 16:53

For us, a lack of party invitations was just another part of our DD being excluded socially from everything, and almost every girl, in her school year. With no end in sight she moved school, and in the last school year has been invited to 6 (I write joyously) parties. Every time she gets an invitation I (privately) jump for joy.

Exclusion is horrible. One mother, who said to my face that she couldn't understand why DD was excluded from everything, the following week sent out invitations to her own child's party, but left out DD. I was apoplectic, but felt I could do nothing publicly.

I understand how hurtful it is, and it can knock a child's confidence (it did for my own DD). Personally I wouldn't confront the other mum, but maybe do as another poster has suggested and ask, in a chatty way, what plans she has for her child's birthday. She might squirm a bit?

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 22/06/2016 18:41

Oh how very grown up, because he's not invited to the party you won't let them play together?!

This has to be a fucking wind up,no adult can really be this pathetic can they?!

No wonder your son struggles to maintain friendships with his mother holding grudges left right and centre!

Hodooooooooor · 22/06/2016 18:43

Not being invited to one party is not exclusion. Nor is it nasty, or mean, or cruel, or someone trying to hurt you.
How do you people manage to get through each day, acting as if the whole world is out to get you?

MrsJayy · 22/06/2016 18:53

Tbf not being invited to any parties is exclusion and not very nice for little children being invited to some parties and not others is very different oompa Its lovely your Dd is at a nicer school with friends who want her at their parties

ApostrophesMatter · 22/06/2016 18:59

Of course it isn't exclusion. 25 in a class. Very few people are going to invite that many.

ApostrophesMatter · 22/06/2016 18:59

Of course it isn't exclusion. 25 in a class. Very few people are going to invite that many.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 22/06/2016 18:59

I'm asking myself the same question Hodooooooooor!

It actually beggars belief! How on earth are these kids go oh to deal with the disappointments in life if their parents get so overly emotional about non-issues like this?! It will rub off on them and they literally won't know what to do when something doesn't go their way.

1stDayOfSummer · 22/06/2016 19:20

Whatthefreakinwhatnow the comment you made was very horrible, I doubt the OP would make this up, she has asked for advice, not people to be horrible to her!