Do you tell people that your DC's attend private school?

[candleinthedarknight]

Hi,

DD, 7, will be going to an independent school which specialises in Dyslexia this coming September.

The schools fees are very expensive and I'm hoping when I go to the special needs tribunal they would fund the school as I will not be able to fund this long term.

DD's mainstream school was ok, she had a lovely teacher and a good support network, though it became obvious that they were not equipped in dealing with her severe dyslexia, to the point she refused to do any work in school and over the past recent months it was evident that the gap between her and her peers were widening.

I looked at a number of schools, but not many SEN state schools that specialise in Dyslexia around my Borough, or even out of borough.

To get to the point, DD will be going to this fantastic specialist school in September. However, when a parent from DD's mainstream school ask what school is DD attending in September and I reply to say which she will be attending XYZ, an independent specialist school. I get a few judgemental comments.

Some of the parents think I'm showing off, or they think I view myself as "almighty" because DD will be going to this school.

I was a bit upset as I didn't mean or intended to come across that way. It's just apart of my vocabulary iygwim, my initial response if someone asked what new schools he will be attending in September as I would often get a blank look when I tell them the name of DD's school.

I should of just said that DD attends a specialist school, leaving out the "independent word".

But for the parents whose kids go to private schools, specialist or not. Do you get some sort of judgemental comments from people, parents and so on that your DC's go to a private school?

I know what you mean pag at elite level nearly everything (bar rowing) is wonderfully socially mixed

We live in an area similar to what red describes; people are either old money and have lived here for generations or have moved here for the independent schools. There was one family that lived here for six months but the commute to their school was just too far and they moved away again (they came from overseas and I'm not sure they realised the schools locally were all fee-paying).
However, we know many people with children in both sectors, as friends, as relatives, and through our children who meet children through their sporting, music, and other extra-curricular activities. Which is how most of England operates really, isn't it?
We have Independent special schools in our area too, and I cannot imagine anyone we know begrudging a family a place at one, regardless of whom pays the fees.

I think this bit of London is better for social mixing than the posh v others you see in Devon and Northumberland which I know pretty well. We are much more all mixing in here.

Let me think back then to sports. If you have a lot of children and work full time you tend not to go to their sports matches and many private schools play against other private schools on Wednesday afternoons in school time. With those children in better teams I just never went - one played lacrosse for England and I never got to a match not because of neglect just because she was quite hold by then so drove herself and matches were miles away and I fund everything and have smaller children. I don't think they mind. I always get to school concerts (3 won music scholarships) and parents' evenings. Lacrosse by the way is not particularly socially mixed and people saying elite sports are full of state school pupils need to read the articles about how the Olympics is woefully dominated by the 8% of children at fee paying schools. The older children had a weekly swimming lesson at a boarding school I used to take them too - and I suppose there we were the "poor" ones slumming it at day private school!
Anyway all good fun.

Red i an genuinly interested in what do you think your contribution to this thread is, either to the general discussion or ops specific situation. I mean going back to the conversation op mentioned at the start:

Parent: Oh wait wait wait! Why does she need to go court..?

OP: Cause the LA does not want to pay to place a child in a special school..

Parent: But all specials schools are free!

OP: Not the private ones. Did you know that in some circles kids only go to private schools? I mean, it is just normal that people tend to mix with others like them, that's all, only the decorators, etc. send their kids to state school. On this private estate where someone i dont know lives, no one has sent a child to a state school in 2 generations actually. There is a lot of new money and every new money family has children at the fee paying schools. If it's very "stunning" thanks. They are a bit not too shiny/stunning and normal and open (they are not gated). The local comp children walk across that estate on the way to school, They see state school people all the time.
Also at private schools the children do a lot of sport and music at school so less likely to do things out of school. The son for example did meet Beckham at a schools football match but that was a football tournament for children at private schools.

God knows which bit of Devon you know then as I live in Devon and went to private school in Devon (and state school) and have kids who have gone to private and state schools in Devon, and we have never only mixed inprivate or state school circles. Again, unless you try really, really hard never to mix your social circle in any way I don't even see how it's possible.

Working class... salt of the earth? How bloody clichéd can you get?

Luckily we still live in an England where we can express our views. If someone says no one I know uses private schools so how do I disclose it and I say amazing - just about no one I know uses state schools - what an interesting difference I can certainly see how my comment is relevant and gosh what an interesting debate followed which is why the internet is so lovely. Bring it on.

Red i guess you are really enjoying being in the middle of this "interesting debate", arent you?
Please feel free to add more colour, it is interesting to read your posts.

As only 7% of children in UK attend fee-paying schools, I would imagine there are actually many many people that do not know anyone currently being educated privately. It's just numbers really.

You're beginning to sound a bit like Xenia now Red

Shame this thread was derailed by one goady troll....

Well. Getting back to the OP....

dd1 is about to start a private secondary, having spent 7 happy years at a state primary (where her sister still is). I've been very involved with the primary, and am a big supporter of state ed, but dd fell in love with a particular secondary which happens to be private - and I can't bring myself not to support her choice, which is probably right for her.

We've had questions as to which school she's going to, obviously, and I've given the name of the school. No comments or questions from anyone (though she is one of only 2 out of 32 going private). Close mum friends at the school have backed up our decision, saying 'its whats right for X that counts'.

Yet again, I am grateful for the very cool - and mixed - community around me. I'm sure my anxiety about disclosing personal facts (school, finance, or any other topic) would be a lot higher if I didn't trust the basic goodness of the people around me.

I live in Surrey where 25% of children attend private schools v 7% nationally. From the discussions with our Nct group out of the 6 children 3 are going to the same private school and 3 others are going to different state schools. Our child is one of the state children going to a catholic school. One other child is going to a different catholic state school and one is going to a community school.

Two of the private school parents didn't really want to send their children to private schools, but did because of the poor choice on offer in the state sector. We had looked at the local private schools and were offered places at them, but preferred state if we were able to get into the Catholic school (we are a catholic family and I attended Catholic state schools myself).

In this area of Surrey there has been a huge under-investment in state schools. There are just not enough good quality schools to go around and that's why people are sending their children to private schools.

We live in a 'private' road with mixture of mainly affluent housing. The general feeling amongst families in this street is that if you can't get into the parish state catholic school (which now has 22 admission criteria), you will need to go private to ensure your children aren't going to the local community school where over 90% of children can not speak a word of English when they start school (not because they are recent immigrants, most of the children are born in this country, but because their mothers can not speak English).

The state catholic school has a middling EAL quota of 30%, but the main difference is that the majority of children and mothers can speak English. Surrey council over the years just hasn't provided enough places and have relied on the private schools to take up the slack.

Generally, people are not embarrassed to say they are sending their children to private schools as most parents know that unless you live in very close proximity to the handful of good community schools or are catholic there just isn't much of a choice.

Yes, definitely although mine is only due to start in September.
Your child will benefit from the specialist education they need, and there is nothing to be ashamed of in terms of paying for an independant education, irrespective of the specialism.

Interesting discussion. My DD is 4 and will be starting private school. We moved house recently (after school application) and couldn't get a place in the school in our catchment. I al also a WM and the private school wrap around care and enrichment activities are a blessing! The private school is also at my door step. When people ask where she is going I just say the name of the school and nothing else. If they ask further questions, I just say I work full time and that particular schools suits better our family and my DD (as she prefers the enrichment activities after school than being in a childminder's house). Some friends understand and say she will love there, others still challenge my choice (e.g. one person commented my DD would be fine with a childminder) and others just won't accept that... (e.g. one person said to me 'why having kids and then "choose" to work full time). But I am happy with my decision and I love the school, my DD loved it and I don't give a s*t to what anyone else thinks!!!

OP it's nobody else's business where your dc go to school. Best of luck getting funding.

"I see state school people all the time."

This is a great take on the line, "I am not . My best friend is an ."

OP, no one else's business why or where you send your child to school. I would come out with some vague answer when they ask why, where, how much (v personal), then spin the question back to them, asking about their children. Most people love to talk about themselves, so the heat will be off you.

"I'm not anti state school, my window cleaner went to state school"

Nobody's business, but I suspect that if people know the full story they might be a bit about the concept of taxpayers paying £40k per year to educate one child privately.

I am not in any way at all criticising you - good on you for going all out for the best for your child - but an argument could be made that giving, say, £10k worth of support in terms of one-on-one time to 4 children each year would be a better use of the money.

I would just be vague about it. And the very best of luck for the court case and I hope you don't need to use your plan B, whatever it is.

soft that shows little understanding of the requirements of SEN education.

All children have the right to an education. There are plenty of children who require one to one, all day every day. There are also plenty of children being educated in state boarding schools across the country, who require one to one support not just 9-3 but for every waking minute.

My son went to boarding school from 17 to 19 yrs old twenty years ago. To cover the cost of support and everything else the fees were £250,000 a year. Show me a family, even a stonkingly rich family, who could afford that.

Kids wi SEN can be expensive to educate, sometimes eye wateringly so. However, education is a right. £40k looks like a bargain from where I'm sitting.

an argument could be made that giving, say, £10k worth of support in terms of one-on-one time to 4 children each year would be a better use of the money.

£20K worth of 1:1 support, plus endless curriculum adaptations and interventions proved not to be an effective use of money for DS1. That is why the LA are paying for him to travel to a non-maintained special school. That is why most children in non-maintained and Independent special schools are in those schools. No LA rolls on its back and says "yeah, that £15K package is perfect for that child, but so is the £80K one, so let's go for the latter, just for the hell of it."

The £40k split into 4 could simply be £10k which may have been flushed down the toilet in four cases.

Meanwhile the child who cannot be educated without it costing £40k goes without any kind of useful education at all.

I'm not saying that spreading the money would be a better use of it, just that many people will think that and that may be partly why you're getting raised eyebrows and snottiness. That's all.

Softhedgehog - they don't just hand out the money. It is only paid if they cannot provide a 'suitable' education locally - not the best - a suitable one. So if they want to avoid paying 40K per child - then it's simple they put in suitable local support.

Until about 4 years ago children like my son were sent away to school at a cost of 250-500k per year. The LA decided they didn't want to keep paying this & do they increased the level of support they could provide locally. This has meant my son has been able to stay at home (albeit with 2 nights a week respite & out of home support for every day he is not at school) - it costs the LA a lot, but nowhere near the getting on for half a million they would be paying if they hadn't increased their local provision.