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Primary education

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Original poster

Do you tell people that your DC's attend private school?

150 replies

candleinthedarknight · 23/07/2015 23:18

Hi,

DD, 7, will be going to an independent school which specialises in Dyslexia this coming September.

The schools fees are very expensive and I'm hoping when I go to the special needs tribunal they would fund the school as I will not be able to fund this long term.

DD's mainstream school was ok, she had a lovely teacher and a good support network, though it became obvious that they were not equipped in dealing with her severe dyslexia, to the point she refused to do any work in school and over the past recent months it was evident that the gap between her and her peers were widening.

I looked at a number of schools, but not many SEN state schools that specialise in Dyslexia around my Borough, or even out of borough.

To get to the point, DD will be going to this fantastic specialist school in September. However, when a parent from DD's mainstream school ask what school is DD attending in September and I reply to say which she will be attending XYZ, an independent specialist school. I get a few judgemental comments.

Some of the parents think I'm showing off, or they think I view myself as "almighty" because DD will be going to this school.

I was a bit upset as I didn't mean or intended to come across that way. It's just apart of my vocabulary iygwim, my initial response if someone asked what new schools he will be attending in September as I would often get a blank look when I tell them the name of DD's school.

I should of just said that DD attends a specialist school, leaving out the "independent word".

But for the parents whose kids go to private schools, specialist or not. Do you get some sort of judgemental comments from people, parents and so on that your DC's go to a private school?

OP posts:
RedDaisyRed · 25/07/2015 18:34

Not a stealth boast. I only went to private schools as did my siblings and all the next generation and everyone at work (fairyl well paid work) and everyone in the houses round here (private estate). Obviously I see children going to the local comp and state primary but they aren't people I know, that's all.

I am just making the social point that some of us live amongst and are friends with people whose children exclusively go to day or boarding schools and others like the poster seem mostly to be amongst people who go to state schools. It may not help that our nearest comp gets something like 40% A_C in good GCSEs and most children do subjects like child care, car repair and that kind of thing.

Iamatotalandutteridiot · 25/07/2015 18:39

Red ...It's a stealth boast. No problem with it... just call a spade a spade. own it.

Lurkedforever1 · 25/07/2015 18:47

New money I take it rdr? Shock

Karoleann · 25/07/2015 18:50

Do you not just say the name of the school though?

My eldest will likely (hopefully) do primary at Davenies (private) and then go on to Dr Challoners (state) .. local people will know the names, it wouldn't be necessary to say whether its independent or state.

swallowed · 25/07/2015 18:51

Red your point is a non point and irrelevant to what the OP asked.

That's why you've come across as a bit of a twat badly.

Neednewflowers · 25/07/2015 18:55

But what's your actual point Red?
That you look down your nose at kids from the local comp?
Not very pleasant that.

Nolim · 25/07/2015 19:06

Red i am wondering what would be your reaction if an aquaintace mentions that their kids go tho state school.

Seriouslyffs · 25/07/2015 19:13

Red is stealth boasting exaggerating for effect. I refuse to believe there's an estate or area in the UK where everyone goes private. I live in a leafy suburb famous for it's private schools, many people go state first then private or state for VI form.
Perhaps she radiates such a smug glow non private parents avoid her.

blink1552 · 25/07/2015 19:41

Red is just saying it for a reaction. OP's child clearly goes to a state school (as do mine) so her original post had no relevance or help for OP.

Lurkedforever1 · 25/07/2015 19:41

Red isn't really doing a good job though, if she was actually upper class she'd have a wider social circle. and wouldn't need to boast. Its usually the lower middle class social climbers that come out with those boasts, to the amusement of the actual higher classes.
( not a stealth boast to imply I know cos I'm upper class, just lived amongst and worked for them enough to know how it goes)

Iamatotalandutteridiot · 25/07/2015 20:02

Seriously, nothing to do with class and everything to do with self esteem.

My kids go private. I didn't and grew up in a pretty shit area (which I still love, but still) I have no issues with the fact I am new money. I have no problem with the fact I aspire to something I didn't have. I have no problem understanding that my kids may aspire to something else.
way of the world.

just simply - call a spade a spade.

satinpillowcase · 25/07/2015 20:20

I wonder if Americans have the same private school guilt as British people?
Americans out there... do they?

Nolim · 25/07/2015 20:25

Most americans send their kids to state schools (called public schools), so i presume the situation is similar. I dont know any americans who openly admit payinfgfor private schools.

swallowed · 25/07/2015 20:34

I don't know anyone who sends their kids to private school and feels guilty. And I work in one as well as sending my DC.

Why would you? Why would you feel guilty at doing what you perceive to be the best for your children?

beautifulgirls · 25/07/2015 20:35

DD1 attends an independent specialist school and I moved her from mainstream. In our case she moved when we were finally successful at tribunal to get the school named on her statement. I tend not to say too much to people unless they ask as really it is none of their business. She came from a mainstream state school and my chatter generally goes along the lines of "we moved her because she needs specialist support which she now gets". I don't usually need to qualify the fact it is independent or how it is funded. It is the right school for her and that is what I focus on when I talk about it.

Lurkedforever1 · 25/07/2015 20:55

Class was maybe the wrong word, because boasting about finances isn't class.
iam sorry if I offended you with the new money phrase, in my mind it doesn't mean someone who has bettered themselves, or their finances, or has aspirations, because that's an admirable thing. I use it in the old fashioned sense, someone who improves their finances and wants the world and their dog to know it, who believes money earns them automatic respect and who comes across as believing their financial situation makes them a superior person to others with less.

swallowed · 25/07/2015 21:01

Only the chronically insecure would boast about their children going to private school.

Pagwatch · 25/07/2015 21:53

I still don't know of anywhere where all the local children attend private school.

I live in an area with three really highly ranked private schools are very close to each other. It's a pretty wealthy area. It's still bollocks to pretend that everyone locally sends their child to private school. It remains a relatively small ppn.

Where is this red?

ouryve · 25/07/2015 22:00

People are usually a little in awe when I mention the specialist school that DS1 goes to. Mostly because they know him and know the journey he's been on - he's just finished year 6, so it's been a hell of a journey. The only negative reaction I've had has been from BIL, but he soon stopped being silly about it.

satinpillowcase · 25/07/2015 22:04

Actually, I feel guilty.

I feel as if I have opted out of a state system that I believe in, (in principle), and guilty that I have been able to pay my way out of a situation that I felt was not good for my children (even though other people can't). The state school we left was, in my opinion, not very good veering towards poor.

I suppose the thing that makes me feel less guilt is that the whole catchment malarky is such luck of the draw: if I'd lived 0.2 of a km closer to the good school in the area, I wouldn't have felt the need to go private (and if other families hadn't paid a 100,000 pound premium to live closer to the good school, this house would still be within catchment).

When I initially moved to a private school I was very apologetic. Now, on principle, i try not to be. I try and own my decision. The fact is that the private school is better than the not so great school we left. It is better for my children and better for me. I am pretty sure that our good local state school is just as good, but it was not available to my family.

Oddly, I went to a private secondary school and have always felt zero guilt about that.

I am a mess of contrary feelings.

ouryve · 25/07/2015 22:04

Iamjeff if our LA offered something that was even vaguely suitable for DS1, he'd be there, rather than going to a school 45 miles away with annual fees similar to the value of our house.

His failed placement at local mainstream was expensive, anyhow, as he couldn't stay in class and needed full time 1:1 support there.

measles64 · 25/07/2015 22:12

Candle congratulations, I know what a fight you have had to get this far my friend is going through it now, fingers crossed her DC will be going to a specialist Dyslexia school next term.

annandale · 25/07/2015 22:15

The weirdest statement on here is the one saying that parents might not be over the moon that your dd is getting help Confused

Who would anyone feel anything other than really positive that a child was getting help they needed?

I agree with satinpillowcase, if you own your decision you are much less likely to feel that you have to answer questions. Nobody has a right to information about your child except you.

I'm quite a dyed in the wool state school person for all sorts of reasons but that's my choice for my child and my vote/political outlook. It comes with its own guilts and stresses tbh. I'm not dumb enough to think that everyone either can or should agree with me and would hate anyone to feel bad about a decision they make that is only for their child's benefit. Hope you get LA support.

Kennington · 26/07/2015 09:52

I don't think anyone in my area cares about private and I have had a bad reaction yet
Hey karoleann
The issue of private primary to state grammar in our area is touchy
I am doing the same as you but am not holding my hopes on state grammar now - apparently only 20 percent who apply get in

Sorry to be off topic!

RedDaisyRed · 26/07/2015 10:00

I don't think it's boasting. It's just normal that people tend to mix with others like them, that's all. On this private estate (and I know just about everyone) no one has sent a child to a state school in I think 2 generations actually as far as I know. We are not Surrey with posh comps in areas with £1m houses so the state comps around here are worse.

I do know a man whose child went to Henrietta Barnett (state school ) and thenOoxford. But he does not live near here and he wears a gold chain so enough said.......