Is "bossy" appropriate for a year 2 report?

[treelily]

DD's teacher has written she is "bossy and likes her own way, but hopefully this will disappear as she matures". Is this appropriate on a report? It is intended to be read by the children as we have to return a form that we and DD write comments on.

DH says well it is true, which i know it is, but I think it could have been written in a more constructive way.

as can bossy boys ... and contrary to what some posters have said both exist

I find it amusing that catkind is talking about it upsetting the child, here, given that the OP has made no mention whatsoever of the child being upset by it, only the parents.

Cue sharp intakes of parental breath as they read the news out to their child and inform her, "you do realise this is a serious insult, don't you, X? You should be wounded to the core by this one! And your teacher doesn't even give any advice on how to overcome this serious personality defect."

Whether the child is immediately upset or not, these things stick, and kids tend to act up to the labels that are put on them. Label the behaviour not the child. It applies to toddlers, it applies to adults if you're trying to get them to change their behaviour, why would it not apply to school kids too?

If you say "X can be too bossy in group situations" it allows the possibility of X learning to be less bossy. If you say "X is bossy" they can just accept that's the way they are. Or just think Miss S doesn't like me, so equally they don't try to change.

Well my bossy boy isn't "highly manipulative" and doesn't cause "a lot of distress" to anybody. He is 6 years old and sometimes wants to get his own way and have his friends play the games he wants to play. His social interaction skills are not yet developed enough to always be diplomatic in such situations. I'm not yet ready to write off a potential career in the diplomatic service because the word "bossy" has appeared (in a specific and particular context) in the report he received at the end of Year 1.

I think the term "bossy" has a rather different meaning for an adult than it does for a small child.

Waspie - what you describe in your son isn't bossy though. It's him enforcing fair play. Bossiness is actually horrible.

I appreciate that Belloc, what I'm trying to say is that using the word "bossy" to describe an aspect of a 6 year olds behaviour is very different from describing a woman as bossy as a gendered insult.

The OPs daughter's report seems more in keeping with my son's report - i.e. along the lines of "s/he can be rather forceful at times but this will disappear as she gets older".

What you say about enforcing fair play is exactly correct in my son's case. He can get "bossy" if he feels that his friends are not giving him his turn at choosing the game and this affronts his sense of what is fair.

In my DSs case he is not bossy to get his own way, he has issues with other children not behaving in the correct manner and is very sensitive to this, he is often worried about justice and fairness, he believes school is a place to behave and struggles to understand why the others don't see this in the same way, he mixes better with older children and this can be a problem for him.

I don't necessarily think bossy is used to describe manipulative behaviour, in my DSs case it is bossiness about telling the children to be quiet or sit on the carpet (he is class captain) so I don't see it as being an awful insult in that context, it is also true.

Waspie - hmm. i don't think a teacher (or anyone else for that matter) would describe a child enforcing fair play as bossy, not under any circumstances. I would imagine if a teacher says bossy in a report they mean bossy in its proper sense: overbearing, imperious, high handed, autocratic, harsh, dictarial, oppressive, tyrannical, dominating etc.

dictatorial

Belloc I don't think many people would mean that if calling someone bossy, my friends DD is bossy as she will create games for her friends to play and dictate what 'parts' they are playing, she is not overbearing or harsh but maybe dictatorial, she is fine if someone doesn't want to be that part but will find a different one for them. I would say bossy could mean any one of those things or of course potentially all of them.

If I was a teacher I wouldn't give a bossy boy the role of class captain, it would surely enforce his despotic tendencies.

Zany - dictatorial isn't a pleasant personality trait. Yes, bossy means any one (or all) of those definitions listed. But bossy doesn't mean enforcing fair play.

Belloc I understand that dictatorial is not a pleasant trait but we are talking about 7 YOs, I was just saying that bossy isn't necessarily all of those things as that is how your comment came across.

DS is not 'bossy' as such, it has been used as a loose term, it is not a huge part of his personality, he was told his role as class captain is to ensure that the other boys follow his lead, he is not just doing that off his own back (he is not the only one to not quite 'get' how to get the other boys to do as they are supposed to) the part that comes across as bossy is the fact he finds it hard to just accept that they will not do as they are supposed to.

It has done him lots of good as the teacher commented that he has now learned the difference and is a good leader. There are other factors that contribute to him being this way so I guess the situation is slightly different.

You are actually sounding quite nasty, many children have personality traits that would not be acceptable as an adult and they need to learn how to correct this behaviour rather than be labelled, despotic is hardly the right word to use in this case. I am happy for DS to be referred to as bossy in this context as the teacher knows I know what she means as we have discussed it.

Wow I didn't realise that this would generate so much more discussion!

I am genuinely sorry for those who feel their children have suffered or been bullied by bossy children. I don't think DD is doing this and I sincerely hope if she was it would have been raised before now rather than as a passing comment in a report. It has made me think though, that this is something to stay aware of as I definitely don't want bossy traits developing in that way at all.

Mrz you are right, there are few synonyms for bossy, especially that are easily understood by a 7yr old. I have discussed the report in general with DD. It was largely positive with a handful of criticisms. She said she agreed with it all and was able to articulate what she could do about her bossiness as well as she could about, for example, her effort in maths. Obviously her teacher knew what would have meaning for her.

I think Catkind has understood my concern which was about the labelling, but DD did not seem bothered when we spoke about it, so hopefully it won't affect her in the way I imagined.

My instinct is that DD is a bit like your DC Zany and Waspie - bossy in some situations, but not to the extent that it is the only way to describe her and therefore capable of changing and developing her behaviour.

Thanks for all replies!

I read a few of the more recent replies and felt it was going down an odd route for what should have been a fairly placid thread about young children.

At the end of the day, you (and your DD) recognise that the behaviour can be developed so it sounds as if there will not be an issue, I am fairly certain DS will be fine as he totally understands what he is doing and I am able to accept that there has been an issue.

I understand what you are saying Belloc but I do disagree (in as far as the term bossy has been applied to my son at any rate). His teacher was explicit about when/why he can be "bossy" in the report and she and I have talked about the issue before. I would also say the first line of her report reads "WaspBoy is a joy to teach. I will miss him in my class next year". I feel that she is being rather more colloquial and less literal in her application of the term "bossy".

I really do feel that there is a difference in interpretation of the meaning of the word between the way it might be applied to young children and when it is used pejoratively to try and stifle women's voices.

I agree with Zany - children have many different personality traits, some we encourage and nurture and others that we work with them to reduce and, hopefully, eradicate.

I think that the teacher could have used a more PC phrase, which would essentially have meant bossy. However, as OP said, her daughter understood the phrase and was able to discuss the issue.

I think some people object to the term, because they don't like the idea of criticism of their child.
Other people feel it could be phrased more nicely. Others still like a spade to be called a spade. Many feel reports are too PC these days. Many parents will realise that 'X is beginning to be able to....' Means that really they cannot do it, or 'X is very keen to be involved in all aspects of class discussion' means a bit domineering or 'X is increasingly able to sit still' means they previously could not sit still at all, have made some progress, but is still not consistent in it. However, many parents cannot read between the lines to what all of these positively put comments mean....not so helpful then.

I think it is fine to say someone is a bit bossy, or chatty, or slow to get going,mor easily distracted. Knowing this is useful. I don't see such comments as personal and damaging, whereas saying someone is nasty or thick IS personal and inappropriate.

I'm all for constructive honesty in reports. And I'm all for parents being able to receive the information positively and for children to start learning to receive it and discuss it too...it is all part of growing up. That discussion OP had with her daughter about being bossy and about how she might be a bit different next year was probably very useful.

And amazed by an earlier poster who suggested complaining to the Head and copying in the Governors.

Reports can be bland and not tell much when they purely list what a child has done during the year (not whether they are any good at it) or are solely made up of comments from a comment bank and cut and pasted. Lots of posts on MN complain about such reports. Personalised reports tell you something about your child and also show the teacher really knows them. I think some people are too quick to object and don't really think about the alternative, which is the bland, un informative report. yes the days of simply writing 'Lazy!' As the only comment, or 'X has achieved nothing this year' are long gone, but some honesty, which allows parents and pupils to understand their strengths and weaknesses still has its place. As another poster said, their child was referred to as bossy in a specific context, but the report itself was positive in tone, said the child had been lovely to teach etc etc. we should see comments in the context of the whole report.

Better to be bossy than be a bully-sometimes bossiness can become bullying. God, who'd be a teacher?? Does it have to be all ooh and aah you dc is perfect? I think the OP might be a bit bossy herself,as to a sexist term??FFS