Is "bossy" appropriate for a year 2 report?

[treelily]

DD's teacher has written she is "bossy and likes her own way, but hopefully this will disappear as she matures". Is this appropriate on a report? It is intended to be read by the children as we have to return a form that we and DD write comments on.

DH says well it is true, which i know it is, but I think it could have been written in a more constructive way.

Don't take it too sensitively and give the teacher a break. She's trying to let you know your daughter is exhibiting a personality trait that may get her into some difficulties so that you aware.

The kids used to pick on me when I was 6 and say 'Your not the boss' and I used to come home crying about it.

the way I see it though which has more impact

'she needs to consider that other people might want to have a turn'

or

'she is very bossy'

I would say the first one implies that the child sometimes forgets to let others have a go, the second implies that the child rarely lets others have a go. the strength of the message is different. Bossy might not be the right word but it would have to be bossy or domineering IMO if it is that much of a problem.

If you water down comments too much then the result is that it seems less of a problem.

If bossy is sexist which I honestly hadn't considered, I would think if a teacher used that word for a girl then for a boy it would be domineering. I doubt it would be 'natural leader' because a natural leader would be a child who encourages people, is popular, can make sensible decisions. a domineering or bossy child is a child who doesn't give anyone the opportunity to do anything.

Guitargirl I cross posted with you and have been thinking about what you said. I think I would also think "bossiness of others" was strange wording for a teacher to use.

I think if the word bossy was left out, but something constructive was included it would have been more accessible to DD.

Eg. DD likes to have her own way in a group and needs to remember to give others a chance...

Do people think that this has the same sentiment or would that still be considered "beating around the bush"?

I am not concerned that it has been raised and do intend to continue to address it with her as I am already aware of her behaviour - it just feels like some posters are implying I am getting cross with the teacher for what she has said, rather than trying to help my DD.

But you are a bit aren't you?

You haven't posted asking how you can help your dd to be less bossy/more considerate of others, you want to know if the teacher should have said it or not.

It is clear you want to help your child don't worry but it does sound a bit like you are more concerned about the way the teacher has said it and think the teacher should be giving help on how to do this when really it is just something she has to learn. there is no way to help it really except telling her that it isn't acceptable to tell people what to do or not allow them to have a go etc.

I am not sure that the sentiment is quite the same with likes to have her own way because at the end of the day all children like to have their own way and all children need to remember to give others a chance, it doesn't just come naturally to any child I don't think. I could easily say that both of my children like to have their own way but neither of them are bossy.

I can easily pick out which children in both my girls years are bossy, they are domineering, they really do tell the others they are wrong, or they can't do this, only they can and so on. There are plenty of children who want to have their own way eg at playtime they all want to play their own game in their own way but obviously these games don't necessarily overlap. the difference is that the bossy ones will make the others play THEIR game THEIR way or make a fuss whilst the ones who like to have their own way will learn to compromise and adapt so that they can play with their friends. they may have a momentary strop or complain or cry if they are young but on the whole they just get on with it. The bossy ones will be the ones who get their own way and the others always have to compromise.

Does that make sense? I don't mean to get at you - you clearly are aware of the problem and want to help your child, we all (well those of us with any sense) are more than aware of our own children's problem areas and will do our best to help them but I just honestly don't see that the wording used changes anything.

I think it's interesting that 'domineering' and 'overbearing' were both suggested as alternatives, since I would say that those are also disproportionately used for women.

My son got 'determined' - they used it in a sentence describing how he was reluctant to listen to others opinions, and what could be done to improve which is I think a much better way of putting it as just applying a label gives you no information

FWIW when my mum was teaching in the olden days if children were terribly bossy or bullies or something then she would just calmly say to them 'do you want people to like you and want to play with you?' the answer was always yes so she would say 'well if you behave like this then they won't, if you are nice to them then they will be nice to you' the standard treat everyone how you would like to be treated message.

Teachers probably aren't allowed to say things like this to children now but if you put it to her like that then she will probably remember to be less bossy.

It's not acceptable at all

I think your idea "dd likes to heave her own way in a group and needs to remember ....etc" is acceptable.

My dd always liked having her own way but I used to get so cross when people called her bossy. Yes, when she was little, we did have to keep repeating that others needed to have a turn at decision making, but she did learn that in the end.
To just dismiss her as "bossy" helps no one.

I always knew she would be a confident, organised, person brimming with ideas. She's 23 now, left uni last year, got on a grad training scheme and is doing extremely well.

Yes teach your dd to work better in a group but don't let anyone squash her enthusiasm.

but you are? You have asked whether it was appropriate that the term bossy be used.

you obviously have a very straight talking teacher this year!

To the poster that said to photocopy it for the head, I would be amazed if the head hadn't read all the reports already. there is usually a lengthy process of proof reading before reports go out to parents.

It is inappropriate and very unprofessional to use that word. It doesn't matter if she's straight talking or not.

As a parent I would much prefer frank talking. Bossy to me says that her behaviour is at times inappropriate - some of the alternatives suggested here dance around this, and are easier as a parent to excuse/justify. I do not mean to suggest that this is true of OP but for parents in denial it would be a more attractive option to have flowery language. Ps - I have a very bossy DD.

What is wrong with the teacher putting that? Would people seriously complain to the HT because their precious darling gets a critical comment on a report! Good grief! Your dd is bossy, so are lots of ks2 children, I know mine are! So what?!

Whereisegg I haven't posted asking for help because I know what to do and feel we are working on it.

I was just surprised by the use of the word bossy by a teacher on a written report and wanted to hear other opinions. I am not actually proposing to do anything about the wording, whereas I am already actively addressing my DD's behaviour.

Thank you for the time you have taken to post nonick. I wouldn't describe DD as domineering and never letting anybody else have a chance, so maybe I feel the word is too strong? The 'likes her own way' comment was part of the original wording the teacher used.

Thanks for your supportive post ExcuseTypos - it has made me think that part of what is getting to me is that her report last year had more of that tone and this just feels very different.

Merlottime, heels99 and others who say they know their dc are bossy would you actually say that to them yourselves and would you mind if someone else did?

Yes I do say that to them. No I wouldn't mind if the teacher said that. I have no objections to critical wording in a report, it is a report not an exercise in flattery. Nobody's child is perfect and to throw up your hands in horror because your child is called bossy is ridiculous. I was very bossy as a child. I am still quite bossy now! But hey oh I am also super organised and someone who gets things done!

NB bossy and domineering are not the same thing. Take bossy as it is I.e tells other people what do do. Do you think high achieving women round the world aren't bossy? Of course they are! Celebrate the bossy! We get stuff done!

ah ok so you think the word genuinely is too strong for her. well that is fair enough as that is an opinion.

I think they do change tone in reports as they get older. They change from the nicey nicey soft and gentle approach of teaching in R through to the formal, harsher approach further up the school and of course all teachers are different. Some have much higher expectations of general behaviour than others, in some cases unfairly so and others are more lenient than perhaps they should be in some cases and some get it just right.

I was told I was bossy, and it was right, I was bossy, not as strong as domineering or bullying type behaviour but bossy as in if someone WOULD do as I told them then I would take advantage of it because I liked (still do) telling people what to do (actually funnily enough I desperately wanted to grow up to be a teacher because they got to order people around!). I was told it by my parents, by teachers and by my friends parents if the situation arose if I remember right.

A lot of traits that make people very good in certain professions as adults are fairly unwanted in children. We have to learn to channel these personality traits though rather than allow them to rule. So if someone likes to tell people what to do then she can do that playing schools or so on with her toys, she can make some decisions but she needs to recognise that she isn't, and shouldn't be, in a position of power (for want of a better word) over other children.

do try the 'would you like it if someone else didn't let you have a turn' thing and 'you have to treat people how you would like them to treat you'.

The op says it is true that her dd is bossy. But she doesn't like the teacher saying it on the report. I would rather get a truthful report I can work on with my dds than one where euphemisms are used.

Thank God I'm not a teacher.

Your DD is bossy. Deal with it, don't whine about the word, which is really not offensive nor sexist.

I have to say I prefer straight talking on reports. I would prefer to know straight up if there was an issue - I don't want it hidden in flannel. Maybe bossy is a little direct, but if it is true, what is the issue? I used to call one of my sons bossy, because he was! He has now largely grown out of it. The current report referred to his leadership qualities in such as way that it was clear the teacher meant exactly what he said - it wasn't a back handed way of saying "bossy".

Bossy is traditionally used to describe children in order not to use harsher words such as domineering, imperious, autocratic, arrogant, etc. It implies that the child is unaware of the negative impact of their behaviour and is likely to outgrow it. Bossy sounds like a stage, domineering sounds like a character trait for life.

That said, if you think you daughter is a misunderstood leader, who is being judged through the lens of sexism, then you should say something. Otherwise, just help her learn to hold back a little and make space for others, and don't get hung up on the word.

I am not throwing my hands up in horror or whining about it. I was genuinely interested in whether people thought it was an appropriate word for a teacher to use. There are clearly different opinions and I have already said I am not going to say anything to the school.

Having reflected a bit more, as I said before it is not a word I use. I feel it is negative and I would be really disappointed if I heard my DC using it to describe their friends because it is not a nice thing to say. So maybe that is why I think a teacher should not be using it to describe a student.

But your dh says she's bossy!

I have a child who is constantly being bossed about by a few children a school, it needs to be brought to parents attention and dealt with because this behaviour affects other children negatively. Im fed up of the softly softly approach by some teachers and parents, if a child displays this kind of behaviour it needs to be brought to attention and it needs dealing with. Call the behaviour what it is, this softly approach only hurts other children in the long run.

God, give me someone (teacher, Dr, boss, friend, MNer) who uses straight forward, unambiguous language any time over someone who skirts round the issue and ultimately becomes ineffective at communicating their point.

It's rather pathetic that we are willing to accept a negative being reported but only if using slightly opaque language.

What difference does it make? You want the information, and the word itself isn't offensive. It's 'bossy' not cunt, after all.