What's wrong with being a competitive/pushy parent?

[xxwowxx]

Why do most people hate competitive/pushy parent? Some even describe them as "bad parents", I mean, would it be better if they didn't care about their child/children?

children in a good prep school - private are already being pushed, by their teachers, they have to keep up the rep of the school, has to keep feeding into selective or the school closes.

Good state schools push children even if they're not in an area where selection at secondary is the norm. Ours certainly does.

If 'pushy' parents can challenge schools enough to encourage improvements that's great. However, having been on the receiving end of unpleasantness from a pushy mother when I was a child (of the "my daughter should be Mary, she us a much better singer than maillotjaune" type) I would say it is vital that you leave other children out of it.

Yes but mail you can see and understand that there is more motivation for keeping standards as high as possible at schools where parents are paying.

maillot, did your mother ever argue about anything worthwhile, though, or just who should have which part in the nativity?

(And, at the risk of going onto a different subject, don't parents do so much for us that they should be allowed to have a bee in their bonnet about dumb stuff, like the nativity, if that's what excites them? If we complain about it aren't we just being ungrateful?)

I'm not convinced that our primary is pushy enough. Even if you just judge by nativity plays there are huge differences between what different schools achieve. It's easy to coast along with lowish expectations.

Death by worksheets!

My DS (age 6) told me today that he asked his teacher how he could get in to the 'Badgers' (top group in literacy apparently) - he was most put out when she said 'it's not a race'.

I'm not sure what to think, but it doesn't sound good, does it?

He thought that the least she could do was give him some advice :)

I bet the teacher thinks that it's me pushing him, but really it's not, it's his own drive to do challenging work. He got himself into the top maths group a few months ago by just waltzing up and asking to join in and he has since 'really taken off in maths' .

Sometimes teachers do say dumb and unmotivating things. There's not much to be done about it.

I obviously didn't explain myself very well

Wasn't my mother doing the pushing but a friend's mother who wanted to get her daughter ahead of other kids in the queue for everything from the nativity to extra help from teachers.

I only had to deal with it in music activities out of school so should probably consider myself lucky.

I am sure that one of my DCs' teachers would say that I can be pushy on occasions. I have questioned the teacher when it is obvious that the work she is giving my DS is not challenging him in any way (he is not in the top groups and there is harder work available, just not to him).

I don't tend to be that way myself and at school I did my own thing. I work in education and have seen plenty of "pushy" parents and in friend ship group.

I want my dc to do well and the dds have. my ds is another matter.

my dh is quite laid back.

101 posts ago DalmationDots said: "I am a primary teacher and feel for your DD! I have often witnessed the innocent high performing DC like yours being almost crushed"

Thanks. She's still a generally cheerful soul and not quite crushed yet, but reflecting on the primary experience as we head towards the end our competitives have tainted the experience for everyone, just more so for DD.

The irony in competitive parents defending their behaviour is that if some of us more 'organic' types discarded the romantic childhoods, swapped fairy tales for The Prince, their children would be less likely to win.

"Win" at what?

Sorry but you do sound a tad competitive yourself.Groups and class positions aren't badges for life,they are supposed to be fluid as kids aren't robots. Kids will go up and down at all sorts of things within areas of the curriculum.

I don't think it's good for kids(all of them) to have their assigned place within a class.They should aim to improve,except when they need support in areas,aim high.

To be frank I wonder if some of these parents looking over their kids shoulders and worrying about the "competition" behind them are rather uber competitive themselves.

As a "pushy" parent I would expect all of my kids to aim high,to get pushed and sorry but no kid has any place reserved just for them.If by my kid being pushed means it treads to close to those above-tough.They don't deserve to stagnate for fear of upsetting the status quo.Those at the top will need to develop broader shoulders to be frank as out in the big world there is competition.

That said although life is full of competition I still think pushy and competitive parents are two very different things.We need more of the former.

Competitive parents can out pressure on their own DCs and make them fear failure. (Well fear not being the best which they translate into failure).

My DS and a friends DD started swimming together again after a break in lessons. Hes 8 months younger and because he started a few months before this girl he was always moving through the stages sightless before her. Anyway we booked them back into lessons at the stage after theming they had completed when they had the break - kind of knowing they had made progress but trusting teachers to decide where best to place them during lesson itself.
After first lesson the teacher pulled me aside and suggested DS needed to be in stage above - said she's assess over next couple of weeks and then certificate him and move up.
Friend asked what teacher said - I told her with a shrug of we kind if knew that anyway and she asked if she'd mentioned her DD. I'd said 'not to me'
She was really defensive saying she can't have watched her DD properly etc.
Anyway a few weeks later she got told her Dd was moving up a stage and I was told she wanted to speak to me about DS. Friend was all 'I knew DD was good - she must have really been watching if she's decided she's the one to move up'
So teacher talks to me about DS breaststroke and I explain his disability and how he'll unlikely ever be able to do it correctly. Teacher said it made sense as he really was a great little swimmer and moved him up.
Roll on a year and a stand in teacher - who's there for a few weeks - asks if I've ever considered enrobing DS in a club as he's really good. Friend hears this and starts the 'oh my Dd wouldn't like that, she's not competitive and wouldn't want to be in a club - are you doing to enroll DS?' (Btw no!!!)
Now they are starting racing lengths as well as longer distances and we never hear the end of 'look DD is flying down the length' She is fast over a length and I always praise her Dd for winning the races but what friend cannot see past is that there are others who have better stroke, more stamina, can dive/ forwards roll etc

As said ^^ competitive parents just cannot see others achievements and no matter how well another child does - or what they achieve - they don't allow themselves to be happy for them.

Retropear ""Win" at what?"

By definition competitive parents compete and around here that type want to win, their child to have an advantage and be best at pretty much everything.

I imagine you object to murder, but if you said that in public I would not be inclined to suggest that you're a serial killer.

Stating that I'm offended by some of the behaviour I've seen from our competitives might make me many things, but not an "uber competitive" parent.

Compete and be "pushy" with other parents as much as you like. Just leave the children out of it. Kids are already in a competitive environment in and outside school and need to feel unconditionally loved and their efforts appreciated by their parents. Put your energies into helping them celebrate success and teaching them how to deal with set-backs or failure instead.

It's possible to support and encourage your child without resorting to out-and-out competitiveness or shoving your way to the front of a queue. Everyone wants the best for their children, but if Bragbook-er-sorry- Facebook and (dare I whisper it?...) some of the pages on here are anything to go by, "competitive" and "pushy" usually looks a lot like "insecure in myself" or "needs kids to do better than other peoples' kids or it's a reflection on my parenting".

I once saw a Facebook post where a parent at my DS's school had photographed the page of her DD's current reading book and written "SO proud!!!!" underneath it. The torrent of not-to-be-outdone replies was hilarious! Time to have a really hard look at yourself if you ever feel tempted to do stuff like that!

Supportive parents are great. Pushy parents vary but I've seen one so dominate every situation that her own children have no space to express their opinions. I've watched them deal with this in their own ways and it looks like a rough ride for them.

I've been physically pushed out of the way by another, because he wanted to be able to see his child better at a dance performance.

I've had others quizz me about my children's reading levels, as if a) it was their business and b) I had any interest in comparing. That turned out particularly badly on one occasion because the mother was loudly bragging about her son's levels, while I was avoiding the issue. In the end she wore me down. Ds was two levels ahead of her son. She did stop asking me after that, mind you, but I'd have rather saved us both the embarrassment.

I've had others push in front of me at parents' evening, despite the list being on the door and then take bloody eons to discuss their child.

I've watched one press her child to perform a song in front of an 'audience', ignore the child's protestations and then atrop when he burst into tears.

In short, they never seem to be very nice people and I feel sorry for their children.

strop

I've never been manhandled by another parent (or anybody else) but I've a strange feeling it would turn out badly if it happened.

Oh, but if you're the one who bellows really loud and cheers at sports day, or the one who outruns all the others in the parents' race then you go, girl! I love those parents as they seem to be having a lot of fun.

Similarly, if your child is good at a particular sport or hobby and you ferry them all over the place to pursue it, console them when they fail, celebrate with them when they succeed, you're competitive in a good way.

Exactly.

That said I have to say re the Facebooking- assembly certificates in close up and endless sporting achievements are my bug bear.I.don't.give.a.shit!

That said my dc know nothing about them and the mothers who do it seem a tad insecure and far from pushy or competitive.

I don't know if this is pushy parenting, but has anyone had the experience of the best view of their child on stage being via an ipad held up by the parent in front of them?

Doesn't sound like pushing, sounds more like using technology. Considerations for people sitting in the row behind?