What's wrong with being a competitive/pushy parent?

[xxwowxx]

Why do most people hate competitive/pushy parent? Some even describe them as "bad parents", I mean, would it be better if they didn't care about their child/children?

Competitive parents care more about using their children to show off than they do about what is good for their children. Kids of competitive parents often end up messed up because the only way they feel they can gain their parents love is to be an achiever.

My Mum was incredibly pushy.
A Tiger Mom for the Benson and Hedges generation .

She didn't do it to show off. Or for herself. Or any of the other twaddle peddled by other parents. She did it for me! She did it to ensure I would get the best start in life.

And it worked. In spades.

I'm sure some of her peers were waiting for my downfall...still waiting....

That is exactly what the teacher is there for, to make sure the child is being given work at the right level. Would it be less time consuming than meetings with pushy parents? Do all such parents have less idea of their child's capability than a teacher for whom the child is one in 30? Of course parents are going to be pushy if the only answer they can get is "We know, because we are the professionals."

So what are we talking about competitive or pushy?They mean different things.

There is nothing wrong with pushing your DC. Just don't push them over the edge - be realistic and know when to ease off.

If you put grease on the children's bottoms then one push makes them go further.

retro for me pushy means you will push your DC to be the best they can be - often out of their comfort zone. You will also push others where necessary to get what your DC need.

I wish my parents had been a bit more 'concerned'

That is why I parent the way I do.

DSS1 (18) is already planning on being an über pushy parent. He talks about it with great enthusiasm and clearly thinks his parents didn't push him enough. We sometimes have to remind him of the many times we backed off because he was resisting .

Any sort of extreme's are no good in my opinion. You use the words 'competitive' and 'pushy' which sound dreadful to most parents.

Nothing wrong with taking an interest, supporting, encouraging and making sure kids do well but pushy parenting is more about the parent not the child and being competitive is damaging for a child's self esteem.

I'm sorry it's a dumb question!

Competition though, is often part and parcel of a childs life. They have to compete for stuff they want. The knack is to ensure they know where it really doesn't matter a fig.

wordfactory I mean the parent being competitive is wrong

I think the points have already been made, there are both supportive and destructive methods of being academically ambitious or keen on coming first. If the question is phrased accurately answers can be better focussed.

Life is a competition. There is no getting away from it - desirable resources are scarce.

Every parent has ambitions for their children, so we are all ambitious. Competitive or pushy = parents who are percieved to go a step or three further to ensure their children get more breaks and opportunities than others around them.

It's all sour grapes. Yes we've all seen that sad looking child, who looks like they are sleep deprived, from too much music, ballet, swimming,stagecoach, extra Bonds book, level 106 reading books... but they are in the minority.

I missed the uber-pushy-mum when she left our school for "greater things." She did every child a favour by constantly questioning the school about the failing class teacher, the sloppy meals and occasionally even, the fun stuff - quality of play equipment at playtime etc. She was an asset to all the children if you ask me.

That's not in doubt. But how people respond to the challenge is the issue. There used to be a theory (about 100 years ago) that certain types of people were superior to other types. This in turn led to a search for methods of crushing other populations. It has since become clear that this is no way to behave. Life is still a competition. But even competitions have rules, procedures advantages and disadvantages.

"I missed the uber-pushy-mum when she left our school for "greater things." She did every child a favour by constantly questioning the school about the failing class teacher, the sloppy meals and occasionally even, the fun stuff - quality of play equipment at playtime etc. She was an asset to all the children if you ask me."

I know exactly what you mean.

It is a dumb question, I don't know of any parent who is competitive and who wants their child to beat all others. I am sure they are out there but in a very small minority, minuscule.

I do know of Mothers who in early years education are struggling to understand where there children are and how they are doing. I have no problems telling other mothers at the school where DD is on reading, I think its in all our vested interest to be open and talk about it. I don't think a single mother has asked me, or vice versa because we want our DC to beat another child.

I just wouldn't lay my laurels on any school really its crucial parents try and keep on top of whats happening.

richmal what a sad response you have had re, knowing your childs level, if I was a teacher and a parent really thought their child was capable of more I would certainly investigate. If after investigating the child isn't capable you can have a nice firm chat with the parent, and put it to rest, and if the child is capable of more, thank goodness it was spotted and they can be given work accordingly. I thought looking at children working to different goals within a class was part of the ofstead report.

I think its really sad on primary boards, people come on asking for help, advice, just a wider picture of many many things and you get the posters who come on and try and shut them down when they have no idea why they are posting. Posters come on asking a simple question and its all bound up with humble apologies and they are not trying to say their child is super bright, or that they are pushy and so on.

Sad

The original posting doesn't look like an appeal for help. It looks like a what's it all about question. In a what's it all about question it's correct to say: actually, it's all balls.

The balls side of things also seems to confuse people into not questioning teachers for fear of being one of "those" parents, whatever meaningless nonsense that is.

So, maybe it's not merely balls, but harmful balls to boot.

Every parent has ambitions for their children, so we are all ambitious
later
I want my children to forfill their potential.

What they do is their business, if they do well academically and find joy in low skill manual job, so be it, but they have for filled their academic potential to do more if they wish. They have choice.

However being stuck in a low level skill job, and wanting more years down the line, knowing you are better and can do so much more but dont have those exams and grades....you have little choice.

I have to say I have an issue with this 'competitive pushy parent'. What is a pushy parent? the one that ask for work to be given for their child to be at the right level (even if this means it is one or 2 years ahead)? The one that ask for the teacher to fill a home-school book for their child that is struggling but is still the easy going, never heard child in the class?
The one that is asking what sort of support he/she can give to their dcs so that they improve their spelling?
Or the one that thinks that even though their dc is already ahead they will do some more maths/reading/whatever?

What I have seen again and again are parents (or teachers :() who label other parents as pushy because they don't accept that just achieving the average is enough. That wanting your child to do the best is OK, even if this means that the child will be far ahead to his peers.

What I still can't quite understand is that this seems to apply more or less only to stuff happening in class but not to sport. So little Joe is doing some ore advances maths at home is pushy but little Nina who is 8yo and already swimming 5 times a week for 1h00 each time is ok

So, maybe it's not merely balls, but harmful balls to boot

As an ex-teacher I have encountered quite a few parents that might be described as 'pushy' and, on the whole, they are involved parents who mean well.

Where difficulties can arise:

If they have a fixation that their child is the same ability as Child X and therefore must be the same level, even thought they may have developed differently in the years since they were at nursery together.

Misunderstandings of the curriculum eg. they misunderstand 'writing' to mean 'handwriting' or find it difficult to understand the range of skills that might be required to attain a particular level. This can generally be sorted out by good communication and sharing information.

Where their feelings about the provision their child is receiving give rise to a negative attitude to the whole school, which they then fail to hide from the child and lead to the child feeling unsettled or uncommitted to the school.

I always remember reading Rachel Johnson talking about not being a pushy parent etc, and to keep your nose out of school's business.

I thought it was very funny seeing as her kids went to £20000 plus a year successful schools. She clearly could afford to be 'relaxed'.

If you are working class and your school is low-aspiring and mediocre, like many of them are, then what you need most is a competitive and pushy parent.