What's wrong with being a competitive/pushy parent?

[xxwowxx]

Why do most people hate competitive/pushy parent? Some even describe them as "bad parents", I mean, would it be better if they didn't care about their child/children?

Given a choice between more pushy parents and more disengaged parents that do nothing to support their children's education, I'd think that most schools would rather see more pushy ones, despite the annoyance they can cause

I agree.

MoreBeta

I have to admit I have no experience of this, I imagine in London its a different ball game.

I am talking about the provinces where schools are very erratic and could do with some pushy parents in them.

As a teacher I have no problem with assertive parents who want the best and ask regular questions. I do have a problem when they want expect their child to get more than others in the class. Also when they want random unnecessary hw just for the sake if it. ie, it's half term therefore please send home extra hw to keep my child occupied during the hols. Well it's not my job to keep your child occupied during the holidays. Hw is purely to extend or consolidate work done in class.

Another issue is when the parents forget I have 32 children in the class and wang their child treated as if I only gave 12. Of course that has an impact on what I can physically do with your child but there's genuinely nothing I can do on that score. Surprisingly, I also want your child to reach their potential and get the most from school.

If you spend some time at the weekend at sporting events you wouldn't have to ask

Yesterday the winner of the race did so whilst his parents stood relaxed chatting just away from the sidelines

There were a few parents screaming at their DC and giving them what four afterwards when they didn't do well

Always makes me giggle, when grammar school is mispelt as grammer.

As PP, it's boring.

What is a pushy parent? It seems to be putting a whole range of parents into one easy to deride box, from those who do extra tuition with their child to those who will not be content unless their child gets a two hour monologue in the school play.

By some people's definition on here I am a pushy parent in that I do teach my child myself because I believed she had the potential to learn quicker than school would teach her. By other definitions I am not, because I want the bar raised for everyone.

All that I hope is that other parents do more to help their child learn and are not put off by being belittled for doing so.

I think 'pushy' is a very loaded word and it brings out the worst in people. Yes, there are parents who turn themselves into caricatures - I've had the questions about reading levels, for example - but I honestly think they are a minority.

Beyond that, one person's 'pushy' is another person's 'engaged'. I read to my DCs. I make sure homework is done - though I disagree with primary homework, I signed up for that school so it has to be done. I go to parent evenings. I limit screen and device time and I am strict about regular bedtimes. Some would call me pushy.

On the other hand I don't make my children do maths and literacy during the summer holidays, they don't have extracurricular activities every single day and the ones they do have, they choose for themselves, and I don't worry about what other DCs are doing at school. So perhaps I'm not pushy.

There's too much judging going on.

David Clearly some spelling tutoring required on here.

GrammAR. Write it out 10x everyone.

Because there is such a thing as a happy medium. Parents should be supportive and encouraging to their children and preferably support their child's school in its efforts to educate. Some parents are pushy to a pount which is detrimental to their child and unhelpful to the school. This is highly selfish behaviour and often appears to be driven by a desire to live through their child - maybe because of being unsatisfied with their own lufe or achievements. I have seen children made incredibly miserable or anxious because of the weight of parental expectations.

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holmessweetholmes, Should the school not be supporting a child's efforts to learn rather than the child's parents supporting the school's efforts to educate?

Why do most people hate competitive/pushy parent?

Because they make this world a nastier place to live in.

It's not just competitive parenting people hate. In general, in this country, competitiveness as a trait is seen with distaste.

I have a very competitive DS. All his teachers since Reception comment on it. He's in Y5 now. The school never talk about this trait in an especially positive way, it's almost distasteful. His football coaches think otherwise.

He wants to win, badly. But that's not "nice". ( I should add he doesn't crow when he does, he accepts defeat, he encourages team mates etc ). But competitiveness is not a valued trait it seems, certainly at primary.

Personally I think being competitive on your own behalf is fine. When a child is that way naturally and want to compete because it's in their nature, then that's who they are; as long as you as a parent make sure that they are made to observe good manners and be kind to other people, not a problem.

Otoh when you are competitive on behalf of another person (your child) you decide that winning is going to be more important to him than e.g. team work or wanting to see his friends do well, you decide that he is going to feel bad if he doesn't win. To me that is kind of a big decision to take about another person.

I expect my children to be hardworking and conscientious whatever, because that's something everybody should be. But whether they are competitive or not, I shall leave up to them.

If I feel the need of winning, I shall go out and find myself an area to compete in: I won't use my children for that.

Children are not stupid. They can tell the difference between the classmate who pushes herself in maths because she loves problem solving and the one who pushes herself because it is important to her to be able to say "I did better than you in the test". They tend to like the first kind better.

I think they're two different things and we need far more pushy parents,not so much competitive but tbf I haven't seen many.

I'm surprised some posters have seen so many in such detail,I generally dump and run.

I think the lack of pushy parents is quite a big problem tbh and probably one of the reasons we score so low nationally.The children of poor Chinese labourers score higher than the kids of British lawyers.Parental expectation in the Chinese culture must have a huge impact.

I think many British parents think kids learn by osmosis alone with very little graft,you only have to see the anti homework threads.I think there is a balance to be had but training kids to have high expectations of themselves and what they produce is important.

I love the way Wilshaw berates m/c pushy parents but wants to spread them across all schools to bring up kids without one.Err how about focusing on the parents that aren't pushy enough and encourage them to raise their expectations.

I'm a pushy parent.I've had to be.My children have benefitted hugely.

I'm not competitive though as I couldn't give a fig as to how their peers perform,I only care about what my own 3 achieve.

Pushy parent is a stupid phrase.

It depends in which way you are 'pushy'. My parents were, and I was, but only in a realistic and friendly way. I am not competitive-I couldn't give a fig either as to how others are doing. I have never understood all the angst about reading bands. They get there in the end. Once they are fluent readers no one knows or gives a stuff as to whether they learned aged 3 or 9 years.

My child being educated to a high level does not stop others also teaching their child. There is not a finite amount of learning, which if my child is given too much will leave less for the rest.

I want to educate her because I want her to do well academically. I also get her to brush her teeth which she hates because I want her to have nice teeth, not because I wish I had no fillings myself. Sometimes we push our children because we think it would be best for them.

Richmal - yes of course the school should be supporting the child's efforts to learn. That is generally what schools do. That is what I meant by 'educate'. But sometimes some pushy parents can be quite unhelpful - either because they have an unrealistic estimation of their child's ability or because they fail to understand that teachers cannot prioritise their child above everyone else. Or sometimes because they think the school rules and expectations should not apply to their child.

'Pushy parent' clearly goes in the same pot as 'sharp-elbowed' and 'competitive' and attempting to detach the unpleasant sense of that phrase is futile. If anyone is a parent doing [whatever], but doesn't consciously trample on anyone else then call yourself something else.

For instance what's wrong with Ambitious[tm]? Well unless that's too Vicariously Ambitious[tm], but even then I suppose that's your prerogative.

--
cory "Children are not stupid"

Indeed. My Y6 DD is small-pond best at lots of things, but for the most part she's self-competitive, indifferent to relative ranking and "wonderfully modest" about her achievements. That nature has conspired to make her "everyone's friend" at school and given that it is her nature as opposed to something we did, it feels a bit like winning the lottery. Not that I've ever won the lottery.

One downside is that although other children like her, we do have a few remarkably pushy parents here and DD has long been their target, the one they want their child to beat. They've caused a fair bit of trouble and DD acquired some quite premature cynicism about grown-ups.

I prayed for their own (largely innocent) children to miraculously get that first 'choice' secondary transfer place to St. Plutograph's High at the other side of the county, but sadly it looks like we're stuck with those parents and their endless jockeying for advantage for another seven years... :(

The English language is full of perfectly decent adjectives which actually mean something. My recommendation (as someone suggested above) is use one of them.

My mum (and I hope I was/am like this with my own DC) was supportive, instilled ambition, expected hard work and that we must try to do our best.

BUT it wasn't unhealthy pushy or competitive parenting...my best was good enough. I didn't have to be top and wasn't pushed to an extent that I had no self-esteem because of a feeling that no achievement is ever good enough and they never truly please their parent.

I feel that myself and my children all have strong work ethics and desires to do well because of this type of parenting, but I am/they are also reasonably confident, happy and balanced. My children (now at uni) don't get unnecessarily stressed over exams because they know that they are doing all they can to prepare and the outcome is not life or death and that I will be supportive and proud whatever the outcome. We know sometimes things go wrong in life and you have to pick up the pieces and keep going, but also that it is OK to admit that you are struggling sometimes. Social life is just as valued and 'work hard, play hard' is a definite motto in our family.

I think it comes from the fact my father worked himself up from having nothing to being very successful and passed on the importance of having drive and not being afraid to take on challenges to us. But he always made sure we knew failure is OK. Pushy and competitive parents don't let their children know this, they just exhaust and grind their children down with constant pressure to be the best.

PiqueABoo- I am a primary teacher and feel for your DD! I have often witnessed the innocent high performing DC like yours being almost crushed by pushy parents comparing their DC to them and openly expressing that their DC needs to beat that child. It is not a nice position to be in as a child. I hope you manage to escape them in class allocations for the senior school!

holmessweetholmes if a parent comes in saying my child is level whatever and the teacher thinks they are level something else, why not just sit that child down with the SATS paper of whatever the level the parents are saying and see if the child passes or fails? The teacher will then know if they are dealing with pushy parents or a child who could have been overlooked.

You're right richmal, the teacher has nothing better to do than to level pieces of work and then dig out a suitable SATs paper, spend the time in the classroom with the child in a test environment, mark it then level it again because the expert parent knows better.