What's wrong with being a competitive/pushy parent?

[xxwowxx]

Why do most people hate competitive/pushy parent? Some even describe them as "bad parents", I mean, would it be better if they didn't care about their child/children?

I think comeptitive parenting is an odd one.

Of course there are times when our DC want something and we want them to get it. Yet the nature of what they want means someone else, another perfectly deserving child, won't get it.

Competition pure and simple. As Bonsoir says, its the nature of much in life.

But those parents who compete about things that really don't matter at all are hilarious. TBH they're just using up their energy on inconsequential rubbish...

I thought it was very funny seeing as her kids went to £20000 plus a year successful schools. She clearly could afford to be 'relaxed'

Exactly! If I was a teacher I would also be very relaxed, as I would understand the inner workings of the school, and I would be well equipped to help my child where necessary or get the help in to help.

JohnFarleysRuskin

Wasn't it her parents who also said they kept their nose out of schooling but told them all to come top?

Forgot to add, engaging in practices which are actually unhelpful. One parent of an infant child would write things on pieces of paper for him to bring into school and copy into his book - I found him hiding the pieces of paper on his lap. The irony was that he was quite an able child who was writing independently.

word

I am sure they must be in the small minortity.

Like the women who have elcs due to cosmetic reasons, only a tiny minority and yet the label too posh to push is trotted out all the time in relation to all elc.

Lots of people compete on things that don't matter to others. We cannot all compete on all fronts all the time.

Some people compete on things that are inconsequential or even self-defeating. Why - because people want to feel superior/good at something, for their own ego and self-esteem. That's how you get MN competitive slatterns, competitive non-grooming (remove an unwanted hair, moi? Never ever has a hair been removed from my body. Claps self).

I think there is a difference between wanting your dc to do the best they can and having the opportunities and being pushy and competitive.

When a parent is pushy/competitive it often does come out in the children who either shrink under the pressure and feel complete failures for not achieving everything or they become very pushy and competitive because they see that as the way to get to the top-which is their rightful place.

The most pushy child I've come across at infants, I heard her dm telling her to tell the teacher on their second day of school "Tell the teacher you'll be the best at reading and need the best book because you've done some before". smugness as when they gave the books out her dc wasn't even in the top group.
You could see by the child's actions and words that she felt that her rightful place was always at the top in everythingand everyone should be impressed. Because she wasn't the top she retaliated by sneering at everyone who was lower than her.

Another parent used to tell the teachers that her pfb wasn't getting enough attention-not because she'd observed it, but, you see, her pfb was special and needed more attention than she was going to get being 1 or 30, so the teacher should be deliberately making sure she gave her dc more attention, not fair shares... Child then used to make up stories about the other children to get herself more attention.

A teacher of one of my dcs told me before that she thought the English school system was orientated towards the low middle end of the spectrum and that unfortunately, being 'good' or 'bright' was now nearly a swear word.
I would agree with her.
You just have to read about teenager making mistakes on purpose on their paper so they aren't ridiculed.
Or the way threads on here are worded. You can't ever say that your child is bright. If you have to say it, you do need to say that 'yes he is but if he is also ' etc...
As if doing well was something to hide.

And if then you actually do say something along these lines and refuse mediocrity or average because the child can do better than that, than you are pushy :(

Buds I think they're the minority, yes.

But that said, my DC attended a high achieving prep, so the competitive parents were possibly a larger ratio than in the country at large .

Lots of SAHMs who had been in high flying careers...

Bonsoir you are right.

Competing on all fronts is counter productive and you'll end up winning at none.

My DC call me Ninja Mom. Having read Amy Chua's book, they decided that that definitely wan't me...

I kind of decide where we want to compete and win, then silently ensure we do . The other stuff...meh...

There is a lot of room for all sorts of supportive, wonderful parenting inbetween the extremes.

And most parents stay in between the extremes of neglect and bullying (which is what extreme pushiness can be).

But to me, the key issue is whether a parent is acting for their child's best interest (and that isn't always easy to identify) or their own.

Insecure parents might well give their children irrational instructions. But it doesn't necessarily mean that the parent is academically ambitious. Academic ambition to me means having some idea of the necessary requirements. Giving a child a book and saying tell the teacher she needs to test you on Shakespeare in Reception! doesn't mean that the parent is ambitious. She's just confused and frightened. A less confused parent wouldn't do that.

And to be fair, teachers are often not good at explaining the requirements to confused parents.

I am the same,in a nutshell Word.Yy to the Johnson's.His dad said the same(his son was at Eton).We don't all have the luxury of connections,top private schools and rambling properties in which to ignore our kids.Some of us have kids who won't have it all handed on a plate.

I push mine with their homework,if it isn't done properly they do it until it is.They don't do hoards of activities but re school work they know I expect them to word hard,to the best of their ability and to aim high.If I see gaps I fill them.They have a good full life filled with freedom but they do their schoolwork properly.

I expect the same from school and often(increasingly so)they deliver.

I hold my hands up.I am "that" parent.I started being "that" parent years ago when I felt my dc's "Outstanding" school wasn't and there were several quite crucial things I wasn't happy with.I was a former teacher so not daft.I felt that instead of whining round the school gate(like many others)actually going in was more productive.I must have looked like the pushy parent from hell.I have thick skin where my dc are concerned.

The school thankfully plummeted to a Satisfactory.

Things are hugely better,I rarely have to "push" (although I currently am with one child) and they seem to listen,are more inclined to push all kids themselves and most teachers seem to want to work with parents now.

My dp had very chilled parents who never made him do his homework(so he didn't), sent him to the crappiest school in the county(because it was nearer), never put him in for the 11+, never suggested uni.He is still bitter.The mother of his first girlfriend saw his potential and thankfully pushed him to try for uni.He did Al evels at night school and got into a red brick uni,never looking back.

One of my dc was a tad lazy,was certainly not being pushed enough in KS1 and at home needed a rocket up his arse.I pushed and pushed and he is now flying whilst enjoying achieving.I don't have to push him anymore,he pushes himself. Another of my dc wasn't being pushed with guided reading ie reading books in year 4 she read in year1. I politely complained outlining my reasons why,she was assessed and is now reading books that are far nearer her ability.She has zero confidence in maths,I've requested work in order for us to build it up which she is now getting(her confidence and achievement is improving).Being afraid of becoming "that" parent and doing nothing wouldn't have helped either.

I honestly think some parents think school is come kind of popularity contest.It isn't.It's not there for us. It is pretty much the most important part of your dc's life and it is up to us to ensure they get the most from it.Some may not want to but don't expect all of us to sit back and do the same.

Johnsons

There's nothing wrong with being a competitive / pushy parent? As long as your the one competing I guess? Against other parents? For what? Cleanest shoes at pick up? Funniest anecdote? Seems a bit odd to me. I'll happy get a bag of popcorn and watch you compete…… I might even cheer you on. Not sure what you win though?

The problem lies when you use your kids as pawns in your own competition. To make them 'better' for your own pleasure. There's a risk you don't see them for what and who they really are. There's a risk you set them up to constantly feel they need to meet other people's expectations for themselves. That they are not good enough.

Who does that though,seriously?

But daytoday there are always things they have to compete for...

a place in a team, a part in a play, a place at a school, a good grade when it matters...

These are finite resources.

As sleep says, they risk having a child who doesn't feel valued for themselves; just for being them.

And they sometimes prioritise 'success' over raising children who are compassionate and considerate.

I have also noticed in recent years an odd sort of inverse snobbery about not being pushy eg. being so inherently confident in your child's ability to get on in life and your own social capital that you can afford to be relaxed about all things educational.

But I think that might be small pockets of parents in a vair particular left-leaning part of n London... .

They're insufferable
They put more pressure on their children than is healthy

Nowt wrong with being gently encouraging, so long as you're responsive to your child's interests and needs. There are parents who do treat every day like a competition, though, and frequently have their children falling apart at the seams with age inappropriate demands.

I don't see what Word and Retro are talking about as pushy - I see it as supportive.

I suppose if 'pushy' is used in a derogatory sense, it involves demanding/competing at the expense of others, or at the expense of someone's well being.

Personally, my experience of unpleasant 'pushiness' is that its usually fear-based. As someone else said, the intrusive, negative sort of 'pushiness' tends to come from anxious parents feeling out of control and needing reassurance. Trouble is, sometimes that reassurance is not the sort that a school can provide

The balls side of things also seems to confuse people into not questioning teachers for fear of being one of "those" parents, whatever meaningless nonsense that is.

So, maybe it's not merely balls, but harmful balls to boot.

This really resonates with me.

I was, while my dc were at primary school, one of those parents that was scared of coming across as too pushy and competitive. I trusted that the teachers would do their best for my children because they were good teachers, who I knew and liked, and the school was a good school.

But now my ds is at secondary and I have a different perspective of what he is capable of, I can look back and see that he wasn't stretched as much as he should have been at primary school, despite them stretching other children with similar or lower ability. I blame myself for not keeping on top of what was going on enough, but I work in a (different) primary school and am always hearing teachers complaining about the 'pushy' parents and I didn't want to be the source of staff room gossip.

It hasn't done any lasting harm, but my ds did leave primary school feeling like he was overlooked in favour of other children and if anything, it's made him more determined to show what he is capable of at secondary, but he should have been encouraged to do that anyway.

Working in a school I have also seen how the parents that do come in and nag teachers are actually getting the best for their children, despite being the source of a few moans from teachers. There are children who are taken out of assembly or other less important things to get one to one support from teachers and TAs that simply wouldn't get it if their parents hadn't made a noise. Not because they particularly need it, especially in comparison to other children, but because the teachers want to be able to give satisfactory answers to the parents that ask the difficult questions.

It's a sad fact that in under resourced, but still outstanding, primary schools there is only a limited amount of teacher time to go round, and the parents that make the most fuss will be the ones whose children don't get overlooked.

I know that in the early years I raised a lot of eyebrows and was no doubt labelled one of those parents.

But my DC were the youngest inthe year and prem to boot. I knew that they were behond their peers, but I was absolutely not going to allow the school, the other pupils or their parents make any assumptions about their ability.

I was a PITA.

But you know what? I was proved right...

Word I was a pita and proved right(with bells on) too.