What's wrong with being a competitive/pushy parent?

[xxwowxx]

Why do most people hate competitive/pushy parent? Some even describe them as "bad parents", I mean, would it be better if they didn't care about their child/children?

I was a pita too, initially. But I think as time has gone on I've been given fewer and fewer obviously stupid explanations and things are actually quite good now.

Well, if word and retro are pushy, then so am I. I make my DDs proofread their homework and identify/correct errors. I see that as instilling good learning habits. I don't care a hoot what other DCs are achieving, I just want my two to work to their potential and if that means having a quiet word with a teacher then that is what I'll do. On the whole teachers are fine with it, as long as you are polite and don't question their competence. Teachers have large classes to deal with, parents do have a pivotal role in keeping track of their DC's development and communicating any sudden changes.

As long as you don't charge in shouting 'Why isn't my pfb on Lime band yet?' you're fine. I usually ask what concrete things we can do at home to support the school and get a useful response.

word - IME many primary teachers are not very 'academic' - they don't really value education for its own sake - they sometimes feel threatened by clever children and their parents and strive to keep them 'in their place'.

I share your annoyance.

I can't understand why you would not be a pushy parent.

You can raise children with high aspirations, without raising the brat who has to win at everything. Being selectively competitive and compassionate are not mutually exclusive.

We've been very pushy with the children when they were younger, for various reasons, but found that as the others went through the same school the teachers knew us and we knew them so the contact reduced considerably. I think we had a relationship of mutual respect, even though I am sure a few eyebrows were raised. By mutual respect I meant we always supported the school as well as making demands, from providing all the right materials, raising money, sending in children who were ready to learn and supporting the school with behaviour.

When things went very wrong with the school in later years, we actually ended up giving up going in. There were so many things amiss that we just bit the bullet and decided to remove the older ones. So in a way for me going in and working with the school was a good sign there was a relationship there, rather than having given up completely.

As far as competitive parents, having a number of children I realise that no matter how much you push at home, your child can only go so far and in so many things. You can have a child who is very talented at one instrument and/or a genius at maths but be terrible or average in other areas. Nobody excels at everything and this is a tough lesson that children learn sooner or later - and so do their parents.

collumn yes, I need to be far less obviously pushy now my DC are in secondary school.

Everyone accepts they're ambitious and it's supported.

My pushiness these days takes place (mostly) behind the scenes . Sometimes DC moan, often they roll their eyes, but equally they often thank me for keeping them on track. Frankly, sometimes even they don't notice what I'm up to...Ninja Mom strikes again ...

word - IME many primary teachers are not very 'academic' - they don't really value education for its own sake - they sometimes feel threatened by clever children and their parents and strive to keep them 'in their place'.

I must say this has not been my experience, and I have seen two DCs through primary.

I would not think PUSHY suits all children, Know your child.

All children can be pushed to reach their full potential.You can "push" in a variety of ways.

pointy - I'm encouraged that your experience of primary school has been different from mine - to be fair, I don't think my DC's school had a good (thoughtful) ethos.

I also think that there are so many non-academic demands on primary teachers now that being interested in 'education' in its wider sense is pretty low down on the list of the attributes required to be a teacher.

Two examples; a greatly-loved teacher of DD used to fill the last ten minutes with a games that involved thinking up names of things - usually makes of car, shops, holiday destinations..... and Christmas presents were Barbie-type dolls for the girls and construction sets for the boys. It's supposed to be an educational institution - where was the evidence that, eg reading/a good general knowledge were being promoted?

Some 'pushy' mums have managed to get the school to enter children for maths challenges and a spelling bee; beneficial for the school as well as their individual children, but that's different from encouraging your DC to be competitive.

There is a happy medium between being pushy and not caring

And as for competitive? Well you shouldn't compete through your children - you can only encourage your children to be competitive. If you really want to ....

I notice you haven't been back to the thread you started. I hope it has been helpful to you. I'd be interested to hear what you think about the views you have been given.

A competitive or pushy parent is not necessarily motivated by trying to help their child reach their potential in a supportive way.

I mean, the clue is in the name. Competitive. You don't compete with your child for them to do well, do you? You USE your child to compete with other parents.

If that is what you are doing, (ner ner ner ner ner my kid is better than your kid) then that makes you a shitty parent. you don't use your kids as some sort of status thing.

Pushy is a bit more vague. If pushy means encouraging then that's a good thing. You could push (encourage!) them in a supportive way and mindful of their ability level and interests and remembering that the whole of the person is more than and more important than academic ability or one activity. Or you could be pushing them to be the dance star or whatever that you weren't good enough to be.

So again, comes down to why the parent is 'pushy' and how they are doing it and how it affects the child.

Anyway it wouldn't have helped with my children.

DS1 - responds to carrot not stick, and even with carrot it has to be in his own time and in his own way. Anyone trying to push him will be politely but firmly ignored. He has taken 6 m to start feeling his feet at college - worried comments from tutor at parents evening - now he has a disinction or a merit for every module.

DD - pushes herself damned hard. And is doing well academically. Sjhe doesn't need any more pushing from me.

DS2 - will argue that you don't know what you are talking about, refuse to be pushed and to go his own sweet way. He doesn't so much refuse to stick to the rules as rewrite the rules in his own idiosyncratic way.

I firmly beleive that I could have pushed and pushed and worn myself out and still ended up with the same results. And as it happend I like the results.

I define a "pushy" parent as one who has their own fixed ideas about how their child should be, which they "push" them towards. I.e. they want a child who can play the violin at grade 8, get into Oxbridge, be a child actor/model etc. and ignores/deludes themselves of the fact that this is not necessarily in the child's best interests, and that they might end up really resenting you and harbouring some ishoos.

A "supportive" parent I would class as the much healthier alternative, one which tries to help their child make the most of their unique skills and talents and become the best adult they can be, which includes looking out for their emotional well being not just the things they can win certificates for.

I notice you haven't been back to the thread you started. I hope it has been helpful to you. I'd be interested to hear what you think about the views you have been given.

Yes or are we going to hear all about it next week in the mail

choco that sounds like you were unlucky enough to get a not very good school. At my DDs' primary gifts were books - not girl books and boy books, but books that appealed to both. The school makes a point of teaching children to their potential, not to averages or targets.

Then again perhaps I've just been very lucky.

It's an interesting thread. My daughter is in infants and I don't intend to push, I want get to enjoy childhood at this age. Luckily she is bright so seems to be doing well. Im sure she could be progressing faster but as she is already above expectations in not sure what it would achieve.

I think a v academic school would suit get, but as we can't afford that we will let her enjoy primary and hope she gets into grammar. She's already v bright in comparison to others in her class but we're in v low achieving area.

It's interesting reading alongside the home Ed thread where it's being argued you can get where you want in life without being pushed, just choosing what you want do, when you want to.

Goodness, it's hard to tell, getting on in life and being pushed are two such vague phrases that it's hard to argue that the proposition in your post is either true or false.

Furthermore being pushed/pushy aren't necessarily the same (if either actually means anything at all, - another argument -)

If we're not careful it can all just end in a vast, vague sea of meaninglessness.

It's prioritising measurable 'success' over other things that I worry about. But everything is so competitive now so it must take a lot of confidence to wait for your DC to find motivation within themselves.

My mum used to say that even babies are measured all the time now. In her day you were just a baby/child - you were you! According to her, parents didn't go around comparing each other's children the way we do.

(Rose-tinted glasses? I don't know.)

I think the done thing is to be seen to be naturally bright and to achieve effortlessly; actually this applies to most areas of life.

To take Bonsoir's grooming point, I remember girls saying, "Oh, I don't have to shave my legs - they are naturally hairless." As a teen, I was in awe of these girls with glossy manes of hair who miraculously had no other body hair, as I dispiritedly surveyed sprouts of unruly shin bristles. It took me a good few years to realise that this was just the same as, "Fancy my coming top! I didn't do any revision at all..."

As has been discussed on other threads, whereas any attempt to help children academically - even the odd Bond book - is frowned upon, we accept that to perform well at sport a great deal of parental intervention is required.

I know what you mean lainie - but a good work ethic is valued by employers and HE institutions!

I think some parents let their children down by not being "pushy" enough. Some children tend to say "no" to any opportunity, such as going to a better school or taking up a new activity. I think it can be good parenting to insist on a child trying out the opportunities open to them. I know parents who simply let the child decide, and the child really misses out (and probably regrets it later).

Hypocrisy accepted. I frown upon you buying the odd Bond book. But I can buy as many as I want.

Obviously I don't share the Bond books with my daughter. (She doesn't need them.) I only buy huge quantities of them for research.