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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

I saw a parent-child interaction on the way in to school that made me want to weep..

106 replies

chaosagain · 07/10/2013 15:34

.. and I don't know if there's anything I could or should do about it.

I was going into my daughter's primary school to help out this morning. I arrived around 9.25am. As I was locking up my bike, I heard a woman screaming at her children to get out of the car.

They were obviously late for school. Of the 2 kids, 1 in particular was on the end of his mother's wrath. He was probably around 7 or 8. As they walked up to the door of the school office in silence she started shouting at him 'you're a worthless sack of shit. You can't do anything, can you? You can't even get fucking dressed by yourself. Why can't you do anything? you're useless'. he muttered something I couldn't hear. She responded 'no, I won't fucking leave it, you sack of shit'. He refused to go up the steps into the school office for a moment. She shouted at him 'you'll go up or I'll kick you until you bloody do', grabbed his wrist and dragged him up.

It wasn't just the words, but her manner. She was furious, shouting and seemed not very in control of herself. The boy looked upset, weary and just locked his gaze on the ground - he didn't make a fuss, cry or shout back at all.

I arrived at the office reception a few moments behind them. She was asking the secretary to ensure his playtime got taken away from him because he'd made him and his sister late for school. Mum left. The secretary was lovely to him. She also phoned ahead to the classroom (after he'd left) to let his teacher know he was coming, was upset and might appreciate a warm welcome even though he was late.

As I was signing in the secretary said to me 'I hate it when they come in like that, so upset. It doesn't help them at all.' I said 'Mum was really angry with him

I wanted to tell the mother (but didn't) that she shouldn't be at all surprised when her son started to talk to her the way she talked to him and that no-one deserves to be spoken to with so little respect, least of all a child. Perhaps I was a coward but I felt she was so angry that there wasn't anything I could think of to say that wouldn't rile her further or inflame the situation.

WWYD, if anything at all? Try and talk to the Head? Just accept that there isn't anything I could do based on that one interaction? It's stayed with me all day. I really felt for that boy and wondered how he'll ever grow up with any self esteem when his mother tells him he's worthless so vehemently....

OP posts:

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BoundandRebound · 07/10/2013 15:36

And you feel no sympathy for the mother at all despite witnessing an adult quite clearly at the end of her tether?

Poor family

Chubfuddler · 07/10/2013 15:37

Yes I would. I genuinely would. Children are abused and neglected when other people look the other way. Email the head, he/she will be able to piece together who it was if you don't know, from the late register. I would repeat the conversation verbatim.

AlwaysWashing · 07/10/2013 15:38

Awful huh? Makes you wonder why some people bother to be parents? Not really sure anything you could or would have said would have helped??

Be prepared by the way to be flamed for being a nosey, judgey pants for daring to comment on a snapshot if someone else's life.

Chubfuddler · 07/10/2013 15:38

Why is the instant response to sympathise with the mother? A small child is on the receiving end of sustained verbal abuse and your only response is to worry about the adult?

AlwaysWashing · 07/10/2013 15:39

(And I'm prepared for a flaming re lack of punctuation!!)

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 07/10/2013 15:39

I would report that to the Child Protection Officer at the School (probably the Head).

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 07/10/2013 15:40

Oh, I can sympathise with feeling at the end of the tether. Can't sympathise with behaviour that is damaging to a child

PacificDogwood · 07/10/2013 15:40

That poor lad!

I am not sure that it would have been wise to say anything at the time, but maybe let his teacher know how he has been spoken to? At the v least that mum was verbally abusive to him and sounds like she is at the end of her rope.
I would also suggest to ring Childline for further advice.
You can contact your local SW department and let them know of your concerns anonymously if you know his name.

If you are able to, do something.
Children with struggling parents sometimes only have the kindness of strangers to even attempt to improve something for them.

nicename · 07/10/2013 15:41

Bloody hell, I thought this was going to be about me this morning! ("what do you mean you're doing cross country today?! It's raining and I packed your shorts and t-shirt. I specifically asked if you needed your tracksuit and you said you were doing games indoors - now you tell me you are running 5 miles in the rain!!!???"). He has a habit of dropping little nuggets into conversation on the corner before we get to school - homework forgotten, test due that day, why all the other kids are dressed up as book characters... I called him a nitwit.

She was completely wrong though. The school knows.

sparklekitty · 07/10/2013 15:41

I work at a school where quite a few parents speak to their children in this manner, not all of them are at the end if their tether, some just speak to their kids like they're shit because they get in the way of their life.

Poor kid. Definitely speak to the head, I'll bet the family is already known to the school but worth a word anyway.

PacificDogwood · 07/10/2013 15:44

Oh, I have been at the end of my tether.
I have been Shouty Mum.
I have never, ever called any of my children any abusive name. "Sack of shit" - that is never ok!

Yes, it is just a snapshot of what goes on in that family.
However at the very least it shows that mum could do with some support/the boy may or may not have additional needs that may or may not be unrecognises OR there is sustained and possibly more severe abuse in the background.

We don't know.
The OP does not know.

But it is worthwhile flagging this witnessed scene up.

DaffodilsandSnow · 07/10/2013 15:45

It sounds heartbreaking. I think you are right though, I can't imagine that the mother would have been able to hear anything you said nor would she be able to reflect on it afterwards. No excuses but she obviously is too caught up in her situation.

However the fact that this happened in school and was witnessed by office staff hopefully means they are aware and hopefully may be able to act on what they are seeing. I think if I was you I would make a point of mentioning my level of concern to the head. Some may say this is unnecessary/inappropriate but the more evidence/concern a school has the more likely they are to raise concerns with other agencies, and or offer the mother support.

It is horrible when something stays with you though, and like you say those poor children. I'm glad it happened in school rather than somewhere the family is anonymous.

MortifiedAdams · 07/10/2013 15:45

Mums who are just having a bad day or at the end of theor rope dont call their kids worthless sacks of shit.

She is abusive, emotionally, if not physically. The resigned attitude.of the boy would suggest a long running abuse.

Report.

Original poster

chaosagain · 07/10/2013 15:46

I felt sad for her, yes, but I felt much much more concern and sympathy for the child. The way she spoke to him was abusive. Like any other parent I know what it feels like to be at the end of your tether and I know how difficult it can be to get everyone to where they need to be in the morning...

And I still think the way she talked to him was inexcusable, regardless.

It's a new school to us but I'll drop the head an email. I know the child's first name and I know what time he was signed in late so I'm sure they'll work out who it was.

OP posts:

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 07/10/2013 15:46

At our school, parents are encouraged to report any concerns they have about a child to the Head

Original poster

chaosagain · 07/10/2013 15:48

The office staff didn't see/hear anything that happened outside. They only saw an angry mum demanding that her child's play time be taken away..

OP posts:

SoupDragon · 07/10/2013 15:50

DS2 has driven me to the point where I've physically dragged him into school and pushed him in through the door. Without the screaming, insults and swearing though, just grim determination. Thankfully he's grown out of most of his meltdown behaviour.

So, I'll judge the mother on her swearing and insults but not on dragging her son in or being angry.

mrscog · 07/10/2013 15:50

Last week Mn was full of posts about 'why had no one noticed Daniel Pelka et al.' rightly so. You must report this, to the school, to social services, wherever. It may be nothing or it might be that child is spoken to like that every day.

Report.

Chubfuddler · 07/10/2013 15:51

I've been at the end of my tether. I've been angry mum and had some tuts in the playground.

The day I call my child a useless sack of shit is the day I voluntarily hand them to SS.

CitrusyOne · 07/10/2013 15:53

Agree. Contact school's child protection officer. Be prepared to write a written account of what you witnessed.

Jacksterbear · 07/10/2013 15:54

I too clicked on the thread to check it wasn't about me!

We often have drop-offs from hell as DS has anxiety (amongst other) issues, and I have for example had to physically restrain DS outside the school while he kicks and screams, to stop him running into the road. I have cried, shouted, begged, restrained, been at the end of my tether many times; but I would never, never speak to anyone in such a nasty, nasty way .

Mollydoggerson · 07/10/2013 15:54

That's verbal harassment and abuse in my book, I think I would speak tot he school about contacting SS. Presumably you don't know this woman's name so you might need to talk to the school first. I would at least chat to the head teacher about what happened.

Bumbez · 07/10/2013 15:55

Definitely report, I have been at the end of my tether and shouted at mine from time to time but calling him a useless sack of shit is abusive :(

ziggiestardust · 07/10/2013 15:57

mrscog is right. It's worth a report, I think. Although the school are probably aware if there is an issue.

Do remember though, that this is just a snapshot of this family. What she did wasn't right. I'm not defending her. But it is a snapshot. This might never have happened before.

Hulababy · 07/10/2013 15:58

Poor child :(

And tbh I have little sympathy for this mother. Yes, parents can get stressed and worn out, but it is never okay to swear at your child and treat them is such a horrid, verbally abusive way. The verbal abuse is every much as bad, and sometimes even worse, than physical abuse!

I hope you find a way to report it, even if just as a letter to the school as a "cause for concern" type thing.

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