Teacher humiliated my son in front of classmates and parents!

[FrayedNerves]

My son (6) was found swinging on a low tree branch at school during pickup time last week and (I was there but didn't see him doing it as i was dealing with my other lo) a teacher screamed at the top of her voice for him to get down... He of course immediately stopped what he was doing and came to her. Now this is where my problem is... She proceeded to humiliate and intimidate him by shouting in his face in front of all his classmates and parents. She was about 2' away from him and RANTED at him for an unnecessarily long time. He didn't cry (god knows I would have) but told me afterwards he was scared of her and felt his knees shaking.

The next day he didn't want to go to school and was upset several times in the night (nightmares). My issue is not that she reprimanded my son but that she proceeded to humiliate and intimidate him in the process, she just went on and on like she was trying to make him cry... I was so shocked and upset I couldn't say a word to her and just grabbed my children and left, if I had confronted her at that time I would have ripped her head off and would have been way too emotional. I now feel like I should have stepped in and I have failed him, I can't stop crying with the guilt! and I can't sleep.

I have reported this teacher to the school and when they asked what I wanted to achieve from my complaint, I said I wanted her to apologise to him for humiliating and intimidating him... They just looked at me like 'you want what?!' am I being unreasonable to request that from a person in a position of trust? My son has long term confidence issues of which the school is aware of and this incident has been very damaging. I don't think they will do anything about it...

Any advice on what else I can do? This teacher has been reported before. Thanks so much.

What about other employees?

Was everyone so stunned at the verbal abuse directed towards OP's son no one acted? And also, no one stood up and said he was genuinely over-punished?

If everyone was so stunned not to spur into action or leap to the child's defence.... Maybe, just maybe there is a middle ground both sides don't see?

Surely, if a teacher ^verbally SPAT into a child's face*... Someone would come forward?

Delboysfilofax - verbal abuse from my school days - not even shouted abuse - caused me to be suicidal at age 14 and has left me with life-long, life-blighting depression.

And maybe you coped just fine with being shouted at, at work - but you weren't being shouted at by someone probably twice your height and weight, I assume. Regardless of how well you coped, it was not appropriate professional behaviour for you to be shouted at - I don't know if it happened in public or in private, but neither is acceptable.

I presume you would be equally unsympathetic if a colleague were shouted at, as you were, and it affected them badly?

I'm afraid so STD. I really don't see verbal abuse as anywhere near as bad as physical.

'As for someone shouting in my face? Used to happen all the time at work. Never bothered me in the slightest.'

If it happened to you all the time then I would suggest that maybe you've become desensitised to it so you now think it is acceptable when it is not.

Abuse is not just about overt physical violence.

If verbal abuse is so (relatively) benign, Delboysfilofax, why was I contemplating suicide at age 14? My bullies hadn't laid a finger on me - it was all verbal and exclusion.

People are driven to suicide by verbal abuse. They have to leave jobs they love because of verbal abuse from a colleague or manager. They develop long term depression as a result of purely verbal abuse.

Please consider that, and ask yourself whether, if a colleague was that distressed by verbal abuse, you would add to their distress by minimising and dismissing the very real pain they were suffering. I genuinely hope that you will rethink this, and will learn that shouting/screaming abuse in someone's face is unacceptable and damaging, and that if you do not support someone who is being mistreated in that way, you are almost as bad as the person dishing out the abuse.

Bullying is different though. This was a one off event so I think it's very different. I'm sorry you had to put up with that when you were young, but I would find it very difficult to feel sorry for an adult colleague who felt in that way about abuse

What about if the OP had posted:

Teachers - Is it ever acceptable for a member of staff to shout in the face a 6 year old child, who is really misbehaving, and call them 'stupid'?

delboy - it doesn't matter whether it's a one off or sustained. This teacher is a professional and should set an example when she is at work. No child should be afraid of any teacher. That is a different thing from respecting a teacher's authority.

I suspect a simple 'Hey, so and so -come off the tree at once' would have done the job fine. This was not the case. It is completely unacceptable for a teacher to lose it in this way.

Bullying is just as damaging for an adult, though, delboysfilofax. I have a friend who developed depression and had to leave her job, because of bullying at work by a manager - would you not be sympathetic to her?

Also, this isn't the first time this teacher has humiliated this child - she made him wear girls' underwear, and changed him in front of the class when he had an accident at nursery, aged only 3 - so it was not a one-off event.

Would you treat a child like this teacher reportedly treated this child? Would you be happy if your child was treated like that? Really??

I would feel very sorry for an adult colleague who thought it was acceptable for a manager to shout in their face for a prolonged time and call them 'stupid' or an 'idiot'. Even a donkey would recognise a stick and prefer a carrot.

at 3 years old I don't think being in girls pants matters. my boy was send home in girls tights because he soiled himself, didn't bother me in the slightest. It's all about intent there I suppose. How did OP know there was boys pants available and she did it deliberately?

It mattered because other children teased the OP's ds at the time, delboy.

Delboysfilofax - would you treat a child like this teacher reportedly treated this child in the incident reported in the OP? Would you be happy if your child was treated like that? Really??

Honestly if a teacher had shouted at my child after he had already been warned in an earlier assembly about it then yes I wouldn't have been bothered, because if I had been doing MY job as a parent then he wouldn't have been on the tree in the first place!! I would see it as a bollocking for myself as well as my child

So children who forget their homework deserve to get shouted at in such a fashion too?

How was the OP supposed to be in two places at once? She was talking to another teacher about her ds2's nosebleed.

You would be happy with a teacher repeatedly shouting at your child that they were an idiot?

For the teacher to have been suspended before she must have had various complaints. Teachers are actually quite hard to get rid of.

She wasn't supposed to be in two placed at once. She was supposed to have enough control/discipline over her child that he wasn't running around doing shit he wasn't supposed to when she was not watching. Secondly you can have a conversation and watch your child. Just have to be face them.

Delboysfileofax - are you actually suggesting you would be fine with an adult telling your Dc they stupid, or an idiot? Can you honestly not see that this could be harmful in any way?

Maybe delboys child is an idiot.

Delboy... They werent specific about climbing on trees, After speaking to HM I was informed that they spoke generally about safety... They, the whole school. Guess a 6yo isnt always able to make the right decisions when faced with freedom from the classroom for a whole day. He is not a troublemaker, he is not feril as you seem to believe, nor am I slack with my kids... A 3' branch that he was hanging on underneath by his arms with no other child in swinging or kicking vicinity is not IMO a safety risk. Granted he shouldn't have done that obviously. You seem to have this idea that I was chatting and having a great time whilst allowing others to babysit my kids... I was facing him but about 15' away talking to ds2 teacher, I was still able to see him and all the other kids. The split second it took for me to start a conv instigated by ds2s teacher was all the time it took, seconds. As soon as I heard my child's name and shouting I obviously looked up and the rest you know... I find it upsetting that you think I'm lying, why would I subject myself to hurtful and upsetting comments if this were not a real situation? Have people calling me a 'shit parent' etc has not been easy to take. Neither have your comments.

I find it very hard to believe that this went down as described. You don't see what you child is doing because you are busy elsewhere but are, never-the-less, able to hear and see if amazing detail everything that was apparently screamed at your child.

And despite the appalling abuse you suggest your child was subjected to - in front of many adults and children - you did nothing.

Firstly, if something had happened in the way described, it would be the talk of the staffroom and playground. All parents would be discussing it. Many would be concerned. If things happened as described, you would be able to find plenty of witnesses to support you in complaining to the school board or local education authority.

However much of your story rings false. I do not believe for a minute your child was 'humiliated' by being given girls pants at age 3 in nursery by the same teacher. As many others have said there is no difference except in colour. You are projecting your own feelings onto your child. You seem to have a vendetta against this teacher. She would not have been asked to leave the school because she was so awful, and then invited back as you delight in suggesting. If a teacher leaves a school due to complaints it is because disciplinary action has been taken and she was formally removed from the school. She would not then be allowed back. If she left it was probably due to being surplus, off on the sick or on a secondment. If you truly believe a teacher 'delights' in bullying small children, as you state, then you are failing as a human being not to take your complaint beyond the school. But I sincerely doubt that is what happened.

Your child had been warned in assembly to stay off the trees yet disobeyed. I'd have bloody told him off too - and at the end of a wet day no less. In fact I gave someone a bollocking the other day in the playground for doing exactly what they had been told before not to do because there was a risk the child would get hurt. And he did get hurt because he came back and did it a second time. Despite the fact his mother was 10m away. Can't say I was very impressed with her parenting. Oddly enough my 6 year old knows if I am talking to a teacher she is still expected to behave and follow the rules. Your child should be able to do the same. That is not an unreasonable expectation at his age.

I doubt she called him an idiot - more likely she said his behaviour was idiotic. Asking him if he'd left his brain at home - more like a joke to me.

If your child was treated in the way you describe then you should move school. But tbh I doubt it did and you sound like exactly the kind of nightmare parent all teachers dread: not content with complaining if your child is reprimanded you exaggerate events to suit yourself.

IMO. Of course.

frayednerves ignore all those stupid comments about being a shit parent. Kids will be kids and will swing from things. Clearly delboy instils such fear in her children they never leave her side!!!

Adoptamama.... Please don't call me a liar, she called him an idiot and stupid. Not idiotic.

Write your letter to Head and copy to governors about inappropriate screaming and language and teacher's loss of control in herself/ unprofessionalism Frayed.
I think the op has made it quite clear that she understands her child should have been told off. It is the screeching, idiot/ stupid remarks that are not on. I am amazed that anybody does think such language from a teacher to a child is appropriate. Yes teacher is 'human' and may have just lost it but then she needs support with anger management from the school.
Accusing Frayednerves of lying is just unpleasant.