How do you reply to this? Private school hatred.

[Elec]

Ds goes to swimming, in the class is another boy who he likes. I was chatting to this boy's mum, who I have not spoken to before. She asks me what school ds is at so I tell her. It's a private school and she replied - I don't agree with private schools.

What should I have said? I cannot believe how socially acceptable this sort of prejudice is, she just said it in earshot of plenty of other people so clearly she didn't mind who heard.

I imagine if this had been the other way round and I asked her what school her ds went to and then said, well I don't agree with state schools (not my view obv!) that she would have had a go at me and probably so would people overhearing!

Well, this has definitely been an education for me. DC1 is off to an independent secondary school on full bursary (we can't afford the fees, so it's not all about how rich you are). All I've learnt from this is how much assumption is made about other people based on the choices they've made for their children.

We decided to go for it, not because we were horrified by the local state school but because the independent recognised that young people are human beings with characters and individuality who need nurturing and belief in themselves. The local state school gets just as many pieces of paper thrust into their students' hands as the independent - the independent just won the day for us because (presumably because of smaller class sizes) they are able to offer more diversity of subjects and opportunities (no, not the social kind.) We know that students from the independent still leg it over the wall/smoke/etc. They are human. But it is not the sausage factory that our local state school is. And because DC1 liked the independent we applied for everything and got the choice. Yes, I know (maybe) lucky us. However, I won't be bending over backwards to tell anyone after reading this little lot.

And we'll be seeing what DC2 needs and what opportunities there are when that time rolls round with just as open minds as we have this time.

What kind of society is this where uninvited opinions are rudely proferred? DH and I both went to state schools, nothing wrong with those particular ones, very happy with what we've done with our lives so far. But we've looked at all options for DC1 and chosen what's best in this case.

The sad and silly thing is that any savvy state school could choose to offer their pupils what this local independent does, but they make such assumptions about what families believe a 'good' school is. It's not all about pieces of paper. They can help, but they're not everything by a long way.

Radicalsubstitution- it you 're still around. The family you talked about. Are you offering them as role models? Because to me their choices seem completely insane! And very unfair in different ways to everyone involved.

seeker oh yes, still around at this very unsociable hour.

I'm certainly not offering them up as role models. That is not a life that I'd want for my children. I was just trying to say, in a very haphazad way perhaps, that for some families financial sacrifice does not mean giving up an annual holiday to the caribbean or a brand new Volvo XC90.

It is a very funny thread! The one thing it should make clear to OP is that in RL you never discuss it- she asks how she should have replied and anything other than 'it suits us' and a change of subject - or you get similar to this!

Sorry poorly written sentence. Unless you say 'it suits us', and then change the subject, you will get similar to this. Who has the time and inclination- especially when no one will change their mind?

"any savvy state school could choose to offer their pupils what this local independent does".

I disagree with this on the grounds that state schools have less money. DfE-published info on state school funding per head shows significant variation across England. Funding for schools is still largely based on historical spending by local authorities.

Assuming they have enough pupils (not a given), private schools get a lot more money per pupil from fees than even the relatively highly-funded state schools. So can spend this on teachers, resources etc (alternatively, they could pocket the cash and make profit).

"The sad and silly thing is that any savvy state school could choose to offer their pupils what this local independent does, but they make such assumptions about what families believe a 'good' school is"

Could you say a bit more about this?

Our decision was not based on academic outcomes or on how shiny each school is. Academically the outcomes are similar. In fact, the independent is pretty shabby in places cosmetically and the state school has had many million spent on it in the last few years. The independent fees of this particular school are very low compared to many others in the UK. So, I don't think it's down to money but attitude in this case. We saw past the cosmetics and the pieces of paper. The leadership of the independent is charismatic, positive and has a far wider world view and a focus on building personal resilience, self-belief and life skills in their young people. The state school leadership hides in its office, just pushes the academic outcomes and doesn't give a damn about destinations for its pupils.

To me it's a no brainer. This is nothing to do with money, far more about wisdom and positive attitude. We've chosen this particular school despite it being independent rather than because of it. Despite the money spent on the state school (and it was a frightening amount) it lacks decent leadership and positive core values for the pupils as future members of society. They just want to be able to say to the community that its pupils all get X number of A levels. To some this is the most important thing - how they define a 'good' school - but not to us.

I've taught in the state system for many years and see its benefits as well as shortcomings (in our local setting). I just believe in the best possible individual decision made for your child regardless. Live and let live is all I'm saying. I came out of the state system OK, as did plenty of others I know.

I think my response would depend on a few other factors - was she distracted/flustered at the time? In which case she might not have meant to be rude, somehow? Does she generally seem interested in discussing views and opinions?

Failing any mitigating details, I would just have raised eyebrows and said 'I see. Well, that's a clear cut opinion.'

Odds are she was being defensive of some inner sore point.

I used to get it in reverse from mothers of small girls at the (private) health club pool, when they asked which primary dd was going to be going to. Never quite so outspoken (there isn't really a reverse view that's 'acceptable') but definitely just as rude, and shocking. I have to confess I grew to almost enjoy the raised eyebrows, they made me feel like a rebel

Ah - just realised there are hundreds of posts I missed here!

Was responding to the OP.

I'm sorry smallwhitecat has gone but she could be astonishingly rude you know! I was on the wrong side of her sarcasm a couple of times and she was a poster I would go out of my way to avoid. But, still, I don't like to think of people feeling they have to leave no matter how much I disagree with them.

missmehalia, I think that is a good answer.
Leadership is important.
At the comprehensive my children attended, I and the few other parents that went to the parents evenings, used to notice that so long as the Head deemed the school to be doing ok, then that was good enough.
Indeed, I and others got the impression, rightly or wrongly,that "good enough" was what was expected from somewhere on high.
That "good enough" was the right way to do it, otherwise questions would have to be asked of other comprehensive schools as to why they were not doing better.
Thankfully, not all the teachers at our school seemed to have the same idea, and some were indeed individually insprational. For example,if the year head in a particular subject was outstanding,it brought up the other teachers in that subject.
Hence our particular comp ended up being very good in some subjects,and lacklustre in others.

Dont know if the same could be said of independents.
I'm guessing that if people are paying for it, more is going to be demanded?

I wondered, like Elibean, if it had been a thoughtless response that she was probably regretting when she had time to think about it.

have you never said something then wished you could take it back ?

I didn't say her response wasn't what she believes just that she may have blurted it out then realised she shouldn't have said it.

Me ... I'm a blurter

I once made an unfortunate remark about wearing fur only for it to slowly dawn on me the woman was wearing a fur coat and the more I tried to make it better the worse it got ... It wasn't intended as personal but could easily have been construed as such

I also said, a couple of days ago I think, that possibly this other mum was just being a bit foot-in-mouth/socially inept about it all.

Anyway, I have read every post on this thread and I think Bonsoir had the perfect response. And I never usually say that! [hgrin]

Well she was standing in front of me wearing a full length mink and talking about fur ...so I should have paused.

It was one of those awful moments (and I've had many) when the words were out before my brain went into gear