How do you reply to this? Private school hatred.

[Elec]

Ds goes to swimming, in the class is another boy who he likes. I was chatting to this boy's mum, who I have not spoken to before. She asks me what school ds is at so I tell her. It's a private school and she replied - I don't agree with private schools.

What should I have said? I cannot believe how socially acceptable this sort of prejudice is, she just said it in earshot of plenty of other people so clearly she didn't mind who heard.

I imagine if this had been the other way round and I asked her what school her ds went to and then said, well I don't agree with state schools (not my view obv!) that she would have had a go at me and probably so would people overhearing!

Some reasons more than others maybe?

(unsolicited) negative comments have had about choosing private school in RL have been political / "I don't agree with private schools"; subtly accusing us of snobbery/trying to put DC in a bubble; fearing it will ruin DC; suggesting we're wasting money and/or are lucky to have money to burn; "why don't you just move/tutor/go to church?"; and (from an old friend with poor social skills) "is it because your DC aren't clever enough to do well in state school?"

Thanks, seeker.

I have mentioned on other threads that I find it very sad and shocking at the variation of the provision around the country for SEN. (Having said that, I presume the provision for NT children also varies and not just by intake, IYSWIM).

In my ds's case, we were lucky in getting a statement relatively easily and early, in having a great choice of small primaries with spaces and in getting LEA to agree to educate him out of year (end Aug bday) but NOT in them (illegally as far as I can see) changing the funding structures a few years ago so that his tiny primary had to pay for the statemented hours of 3 dcs out of their own non-existent SEN budget (because they now base it on SATS results/house prices not on individual children on roll's needs) OR in having no secondary provision for HFA at all.

Kitkatgirl. It shouldn't be a lottery.

Most parents choose the school that they believe will be best for their DC, from the schools available to them. Parents who can afford private schools have a larger number of schools to choose from.

This explains why many parents have DC at different schools, often with some at state schools and some at private schools.

If others want to see my choices of schools for my DC as a criticism of their choices, there's nothing I can do about that.

I have heard people talk about someone locally whose older child attends private as she 'is too clever' (the mums words). Youngest goes to state as 'not clever enough' and failed entrance test. They can't under she 'does it for one and not the other'.

I think it is unfair if even giving the information that your DC go to a private school is seen as criticising anyone who asks. The OP did not say anything other than the name of the school and got a rude response.

If giving information when directly asked is seen as insulting and belittling others' choices then society is not getting very far in terms of inclusiveness and mutual understanding.

Saffron- everyone, as far as I know, agrees with you. The woman in the OP was rude- and lots of people have given suggested replies.

"in the time I spend here I see frankly many more people praising themselves for choosing state because of its superior diversity or similar cobblers - do you object to this also? Or is smugness permissible when it isn't paid for?"

That's just silly. The private school people could choose that school too if they wanted to. An option not available to the vast majority.

No you really can't choose seeker.

You pretty much get what's availabale. State provision differs enormously throughout the UK.

I mean in the particular context Karlos mentions.

Oh I see, sorry.

I was just thinking that the two state schools I have most knowledge of are both pretty much of a mono culture. The primary being white working classs, the secodnary being Bangledeshi muslim.

And my nephew attends a bloody cantolic school.

None of em very mixed. But if you live in that catchement...that's what you get.

I've never heard anyone 'praising themself' for choosing state on those grounds, though perhaps saying that they think a range of people reflective of community is a good thing.

It is how this argument works. Tell me one needs to go private to find ethnic diversity and I'll tell you about travelling community at dds school. Tell me you need to go private or else you face chair throwing bullies and I will similarly counter. Tell me there's no sport there and I'll tell you there is. Etc.

Yes but nit it's not much use unless a poster lives in your catchment is it?
If the poster's avaialable state schools have social problems, have poor sports facilities etc, then your school not having thos eissues may be terribly interesting for you...but for them...not so much.

If someone says they're hungry, it's not a fat lot of use you telling them your fridge is full is it?

seeker,if I have got this right,it cuts across different things too.
So if you answer someone about where you live,and you are living in a more expensive house or road than them,you would or could say that you are making an implied critisism of where they they live?

But if their fridge actually has quite a lot of good stuff in it, just no caviar, you could point that out too, right?

amillionyears

I have had people who tell me they disagree with private schooling also tell me they couldn't live in my village because it's not as nice as theirs...

"seeker,if I have got this right,it cuts across different things too.
So if you answer someone about where you live,and you are living in a more expensive house or road than them,you would or could say that you are making an implied critisism of where they they live?"

Only if they said that your house was obviously perfectly fine for you but they couldn't possibly live there because they just couldn't mix with your neighbours!

So you are saying parents who use the private sector schools are saying it is ok for your kids to go to state schools,but their little darlings couldnt possibly go because of who they would have to mix with?

Well some of them are saying that, explicitly so! Like if my child was white working class or Bangladeshi Muslim, for example!

Amillionyears, a few, a very few, say that sort of thing explicitly. Examples I remember from the last couple of weeks on here are "I wouldn't throw my child to the wolves" and "I've seen what goes on in comprehensive schools -"

But it's usually implicit. "The local school is perfectly fine, but my child is very bright/very sensitive/very talented/very quiet and well behaved, so we've had to go private". Thereby characterising the children at the local school as thick, leaden-souled and feral!

I suspect many private school parents don't even realise they are doing this, and can hand on heart say they believe they have never criticised state school children. It's like "I'm just choosing the best school for my child" well, yes you may be- but you are making a choice not available to 93% of the country!

But it's not 93% of the country who can afford it, is it seeker? Only who do use it. The logic behind your statement would be that everyone who can afford private is using it.

I estimate (quite accurately because these people all do jobs where the pay scales are pretty common knowledge - GPs, pilots, HODs in schools) that maybe half the parents at ds's (state) primary school are better off than us; but he's one of only two in the last ten-ish years to go on to a private secondary school...thanks to us having pretty good secondaries and/or those people choosing to spend their income on something else and/or any other reason which is none of my business.

And see my above comment about the explicit comments on housing/neighbourhood thing...

'can't afford it' and 'don't use it', obviously...

I'll start from saying my position,just in case I end up putting my foot in it.
Around where I live they are all comps of the bog standard variety.
No private school,as far as I am aware!,for miles and miles.
So tbh,the subject of private education rarely comes up in conversation.
Therefore my knowledge of this sort of stuff mainly comes from the media,and I dont read an awful lot of that recently. I do read online a bit,but have stopped most of that lately because of all the celebrity stuff.
So,correct me if I am wrong. Are there still comprehensive schools where some pupils like to take in knives,and discipline in class is poor,and staff are demotivated?

In the cases you quoted above,"I wouldnt throw my child to the wolves" does indeed imply that the children are feral.
"I've seen what goes on in comprehensive schools" could be construed as naive. Depends if there are comps like I tried to describe above.

2nd paragraph does come across as how you describe.

3rd paragraph,they may well be criticising the behaviour of state school children.

I dont have to look at ofsted reports for a while now.
You said upthread that if a comprehensive opened up to you locally. If it happened to have a poor record in all areas,and your child was likely to be bullied or scared there,would you still be happy to send your child there,if you had more than sufficient funds to send your child to a good reputation private school.

Apologies if this is long winded,incorrect,badly worded or the subject has been covered upthread or on other threads.

tbh,after all that,I think I may have even forgot my own point!

ds at prep school and someone said this to me. I replied 'really, well I couldn't possibly send ds to state school ..have you seen the riff raff that comes out of them', then walked off. I don't think this at all but I felt she needed putting in her place - childish I know but she may think twice next time.