How do you reply to this? Private school hatred.

[Elec]

Ds goes to swimming, in the class is another boy who he likes. I was chatting to this boy's mum, who I have not spoken to before. She asks me what school ds is at so I tell her. It's a private school and she replied - I don't agree with private schools.

What should I have said? I cannot believe how socially acceptable this sort of prejudice is, she just said it in earshot of plenty of other people so clearly she didn't mind who heard.

I imagine if this had been the other way round and I asked her what school her ds went to and then said, well I don't agree with state schools (not my view obv!) that she would have had a go at me and probably so would people overhearing!

or if you are realy bored, just look suprised, and say 'what on earth do you find to sped your money on then? One can only have so many swiss chalets and luxury yachts? Do tell!'

seeker yes it is selective in other ways. The small issue of affording it onbviously.

Also the school looks for a certain type of kid. The sort who they think will work well in the environment they offer. Not to everyone's cup of tea, I'm sure.

BTW how is your DS? I hope it's working out okay for him.

Seeket, I don't think I've confused you with someone else! You have said on many threads that people make up all sorts of excuses when really what they're doing is paying got their child to have sn academic and social advantage. I vaguely remember you telling me before something along the lines if, nobody pays X amount just for extras. Clearly suggesting I was being less than honest. When if fact that's exactly what I pay for as around here there is no social or academic gains to be made by paying.

seeker obv and sorry for all the other auto corrects.

the notion that choosing prviate school is an implied criticism of the other choice is nonsense (and even if it weren't, the thought of saving other parents' feelings is hardly of the greatest concern to me when making the decision). All any choice of any school - where people have a choice - can possibly say is this is the best choice for my child in his or her circumstances.

What astonishes me is the number of people for whom this is an issue. I consider myself and my friends comfortably off and middle class in the sense of higher education/professional occupations but NOBODY I know is in a position to even start wondering whether to use private schools. I could well imagine the woman speaking to the OP was too surprised to stop the first thing she thought of coming out of her mouth. Rude, but understandable.

"the notion that choosing prviate school is an implied criticism of the other choice is nonsense (and even if it weren't, the thought of saving other parents' feelings is hardly of the greatest concern to me when making the decision). All any choice of any school - where people have a choice - can possibly say is this is the best choice for my child in his or her circumstances."

I didn't say the actual choosing was an implied criticism of the other choice. I said the reasons for the choice that people unthinkingly give on mumsnet and in real life implies criticism, and can be hard to take. There is obviously no way round this- if people weren't dissatisfied with th idea of a state school they wouldn't pay to to go private. My point was that private school parents are labouring under a misapprehension if they think that they never ever criticise state school children, and the criticism goes one way only. They may not say "state school children are thick and feral" but "I send my child private because they are very bright/quiet/well behaved" says the same thing in as many words, and I think it's important that people realise this.

I don't consider myself currently in a position to pay for private education. I could, however, if I was prepared to make the necessary financial sacrifices. Whilst this is certainly not true for every family, it is for some (including some of my friends) who say they can't afford private education. I could:

• go back to work full time
• re-mortgage
• move to a smaller house
• not go on any holidays
• take on a second job/do exam marking/do home tutoring

These are not sacrifices I am prepared to make to send my children to a private school. That is entirely my decision. I don't justify it by using any ideological principles. I have a friend from a different culture where everyone in the family including siblings helps to contribute to the costs of private schools. That is their right and why should they be criticised for it or feel they have to justify it?

Are you saying,seeker,that private school parents always look down on state school parents,and what they say to state school parents either says or implies this too?

wordfactory what's ds's school like then? intrigued ..

"Are you saying,seeker,that private school parents always look down on state school parents,and what they say to state school parents either says or implies this too?"

No

ok,I have got the wrong end of the stick.

seeker I am interested in whether you have any response to my suggestion that parents of children with SEN may be excused from the accusation of implicitly criticising state schools by opting out of them if there really is not a safe or suitable state option for their dc?

I notice that you think that state options can often be more suitable but if we are telling you they really aren't in our areas, surely we,re the ones best placed to judge (particularly if like dh and I we work in the state sector).

I reiterate my earlier point that I would be delighted if I could use a local state school for my high functioning autistic son.

Sorry- I thought I had said. Of course.

It's just that in my experience, the average state school is better able to deal with AEN than the average private. But that is just my experience.

"I send my child private because they are very bright/quiet/well behaved" says the same thing in as many words, and I think it's important that people realise this. "
I have never in all my puff heard a privately-educating parent say anything like this. I've heard people say they choose private because they don;t think their child can cope with large classes. I've heard them say they choose it because they are concerned about the lack of provision for sports and outdoor activities at their local state options, or superior music teaching etc etc but that sort of statement, never.
I chose prviate for my ds because of his ASD. this most certainly is an implied criticism of state provision for children in his position, a criticism which I am happy to make explicit as follows: IT'S FUCKING SHITE.

Well, you can't spend much time on mums net. Or, indeed, in my local pub!

ninah
Central London, old and highly academic.

Pendulum that is the sort of thing that would bring out my mischievous streak. I'd end up countering your friend with

"Oh yes the standards at Thad's state school are terrible at times, I fear. I fear that my dear little Thadeus won't have enough peers to work with, seeing how clever he is. Do you know, only 16 children are being put forward for the Level 7 paper in this year's SATs. Sixteen! Out of 32 in the year group. Do you know a Level 7 only equates to about a A at GCSE? Not very good, is it? Why Millicent dear, why are you looking so pale? Was the tea too sweet?"

For some people though it is about avoiding 'social problems' and their kids mixing with those from certain backgrounds. I have heard people say it about kids from council estates for example and also on a previous similar thread a MNer admitted they chose private to avoid problem families and kids. Not saying everyone choose private for this but some do.

in the time I spend here I see frankly many more people praising themselves for choosing state because of its superior diversity or similar cobblers - do you object to this also? Or is smugness permissible when it isn't paid for?

jelly i think that's a tough one. On the one hand it seems really objectionable, but on the other, there are some schools with real social problems well worth avoiding.

I'm a governor at a school in an area with massive racial problems. I can see why parents may wish to avoid the school if they can.

In RL have heard the following reasons from private school parents (of which am now one!) for their choice.

• small class sizes
• DC or older sibling(s) bullied at another school
• not happy with experience at another school (teaching, achievement)
• stop-gap awaiting a place at a preferred state school or to try again for a preferred school at next stage of education
• hope will give DC better chance at 11+
• want DC to have similar education to the one they had
• want DC to have different education than they had
• want DC to have "best" or "good" education (in their eyes)
• wrap-around care
• extra-curricular stuff (sport, arts etc)
• belief that local state schools have disruption/discipline problems; and/or that there would be peer pressure against working hard/achieving good grades
• want to avoid "rough" pupils
• comparison of exam results
• new to area/UK (no places available at preferred or local schools / time to investigate)
• employer paying fees
• impressed by school because DC went to preschool there/ word-of-mouth / visits
• wealthy enough to easily afford fees, liked this school best
• want DC to be educated "out of year" (in year above/below their age group) (in england not an option in state sector, unlike scotland)

Have heard some of these reasons from parents who have moved house / area/ attended church / worked hard with DC for 11+ to gain entry to their preferred state school.