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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

Should I speak to the teacher?

104 replies

skewiff · 04/11/2011 22:08

DS started school in September. He's in reception.

I got called into the class room once at the beginning of term by the teacher and she told me in front of DS what he'd been in trouble for. I didn't like her manner at the time. It was bullying and she was aggressively saying to my son over and over, look at me. He was looking away at the wall.

Today the same thing happened. DS had said he didn't want to help tidy up in the morning and then said that he wouldn't put his coat on in the playground to her.

This time she was telling me what he had done and he was smiling (I am sure it was nerves and fear). She aggressively kept saying 'stop smiling, its not funny' - but he kept on smiling. Then she was bending down - again - saying look at me, look at me.

I felt so told off (even though it was DS being told off). I felt nervous and intimidated.

The trouble is she is the most experienced teacher in reception at the school. She is the one that trains the other teachers.

I want to go and speak to her and say that I didn't like the way in which she spoke to DS. And that speaking to him in that way is not the way to get the best out of him. It just puts his back up.

Am I being oversensitive?

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AICM · 04/11/2011 22:19

You might want to start by talking to your child about his bad behaviour.

Panzee · 04/11/2011 22:21

Are you being insensitive? No. You are being blind to your son's behaviour.

catsareevil · 04/11/2011 22:26

tbh from your OP it sounds like the best approach would be to reinforce what the teacher said about behaving in class.

belledechocchipcookie · 04/11/2011 22:28

You're son's being defiant. You need to back the teacher up or else it's going to be a tough year for all of you.

Original poster

skewiff · 04/11/2011 22:33

Am I?

I spoke to my son about his behaviour for ages after we came home from school. I agree that he needs to listen to the teacher and do as she asks.

What I actually said was that at home he can say he doesn't want to do something and we can talk about it and do something else first etc if that is what works best at the time. But at school the teacher has 30 children in the class room and needs to keep them all organised. I said that if every child is saying no then it makes it harder for the teacher. And that to do as the teacher asks/says will help her a lot and stop DS getting into trouble.

I don't believe that children should be taught to just blindly obey. And I don't believe that they should be bullied into 'not smiling' or looking at someone whilst they are talking etc.

I think that if teachers respect children they will have more chance of being respected back.

OP posts:

grumpypants · 04/11/2011 22:33

Oh ffs can the teacher not deal with this without telling you? Are you actively seeking feedback or is she just moaning to you? Ds was always down as naughty and is now up for an asd dx, so its not always clear cut.

mrz · 04/11/2011 22:35

When you spoke to your son did he look at you? If not perhaps you could work on his manners

belledechocchipcookie · 04/11/2011 22:38

I don't think the teacher has the time to sit and discuss why he should wear his coat before he goes out to play, children do have to do things that they don't want to do without any discussion. He's not old enough to understand that he needs to put on his coat because it's cold outside so both of you need to acknowledge that she's acting in his best interests and not to question her actions. Teachers don't always respect children, most are lovely but some shouldn't be teachers. You have to teach him to listen and respect them all.

EvilTwins · 04/11/2011 22:39

I don't believe the teacher was bullying your child. Asking a child to look at you when you are talking to him/her is perfectly acceptable- as is repeating the request of they don't. I expect my own children to do so AND the children I teach. Getting used to following instructions is a very important part of starting school- not wanting to help tidy up is not acceptable, and you're right, the teacher has 29 other children and is not in the position to discuss it or bargain with your child as you might at home.

He's still very new to school and I'm sure he'll get used to it. I agree with others though- you need to reinforce the message, not complain about the teacher- going in to complain that your child got told off when he was misbehaving will get you nowhere IMO.

Original poster

skewiff · 04/11/2011 22:40

No he didn't look at me actually. He is only 4 and I have read that children of that age - perhaps any age found it harder to listen and take in information whilst looking at the person (especially if in trouble).

DS does have mild cerebral palsy. It may affect his behaviour in that he does perhaps have attention difficulties because of the brain damage. He has a statement. So I agree it is not always clear cut. I think this is also why I am feeling upset.

OP posts:

EvilTwins · 04/11/2011 22:41

That information about your DS's SEN would have been useful in your OP.

schnitzelvoncrumm · 04/11/2011 22:42

is the smiling while being told off a cultural thing? Some children do this because it is the norm in their culture. If this is the case, explain to the teacher, I'm sure she'll have come across it before.

ilovesooty · 04/11/2011 22:43

I think you're being unreasonable if you expect this teacher to negotiate every time your son doesn't feel like following reasonable instructions. I don't think she's out of order to expect him to look at her when she asks either.

AICM · 04/11/2011 22:43

Why shouldn't your child do his fair share of tidying up? If my kid has to do his share I would want him told off.

Original poster

skewiff · 04/11/2011 22:46

OK. This is interesting. Thank you for your replies. I posted on here because I know that I have a very specific view of schools and schooling and wanted to see what other people thought.

Do you really believe that a child should listen and respect a teacher that is rude and bullying? One part of me feels that I should be getting my children to respect all teachers. But another part feels as though I should be teaching them to distinguish between right and wrong ways of being talked to and treated.

She wasn't requesting to be looked at or for him to stop smiling. She was ordering it.

OP posts:

mrz · 04/11/2011 22:46

Actually research shows good listeners look at the person who is speaking

ilovesooty · 04/11/2011 22:49

I don't see anything to suggest she was rude or bullying.

saadia · 04/11/2011 22:49

I actually think you are not being over-sensitive but in this situation I think the best thing is to take back some control while still supporting the teacher, so if the teacher says something aggressively repeat it in a more friendly way eg "ds your teacher is asking you to do something please listen, you must do as she says".

I wouldn't go and say anything at this stage, but if you do then just try to show that you are willing to work with her.

Original poster

skewiff · 04/11/2011 22:50

Sorry I did not give enough information in the opening post. My baby daughter woke up and I couldn't type as I was holding her.

DS misses an hour of school every morning for physio at home. It was as soon as he got into school - whilst all the other children were clearing up after playing - that he was told to clear up with them. He hadn't been playing - he had only just arrived after an hour of very gruelling and boring physio at home (where he has to do nothing but endless stuff that he doesn't want to). The teacher is of course aware of this.

DS says that he was made to miss play outside because of not tidying up and then felt very angry with the teacher and I am guessing this is what lead to the later incident.

OP posts:

HoneyandHaycorns · 04/11/2011 22:51

I understand where you're coming from with regard to teachers treating children with respect, and of course this is very important. But in a classroom full of 30 kids, the teacher needs to be able to exercise some authority and the kids need to do as they are told.

If you're really uncomfortable with this, have you considered home educating?

Original poster

skewiff · 04/11/2011 22:52

Thank you saadia. That is very helpful advice. I will try that next time.

Thank you.

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stickylittlefingers · 04/11/2011 22:52

tbh, I'd stop and have a think. When you say you don't want him "blindly obeying", I totally understand wanting your child to think critically BUT there's a time and a place. He also needs to know that sometimes you do just "obey". Whether that's for safety or for social reasons. the teacher is responsible for his safety and his education. In giving him so much leeway, I don't think you're being fair either to the teacher or your DS.

belledechocchipcookie · 04/11/2011 22:52

Try and see it from her perspective; she's trying to tell him off, he's not looking at her and he's smiling! She wasn't bullying him, she was trying to take control of the situation.

Your son's going to spend many years from school and you're both going to run into problems like this again and again unless you work with the teacher and back him/her up.

ilovesooty · 04/11/2011 22:52

So if he missed play outside when did the refusal to put on his coat take place?

laughinglemons · 04/11/2011 22:55

I work in a school and am often surprised that the teachers don't tell / ask / suggest (however you want to put it) that the children don't put their coats or jumpers on when they go outside... Would you rather your son's teacher left it to him to decide?

If you are really unhappy with your son's teacher perhaps you should look for a new school. I say this because for his sake if you don't agree with what his teacher / his school is saying or doing then it will be difficult for him.

I am not giving a view on the situation just an out of the box perspective. You want your son to thrive at school, all parents do, and in order to do this you need to find somewhere that you believe in / agree with - for his sake.

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