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Primary education

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Original poster

Please please please help me

136 replies

ImFab · 16/02/2011 19:40

DS1 has just lost it big time, screaming, throwing things, etc etc. I calmed him down and got him to write what is wrong. The kids at school have been bullying him again AngrySad. DH and I were in school last week and gave him a list of who has been bullying my son and what he has had to put up with. The deputy head said he was on it and to give him until half term.

Had a nice afternoon, friends round, ds sent to bed for being rude, got up once I came home, not sure what happened but then it all kicked off. He has thrown everything around his room. Turns out they have been bullying him again. He didn't tell anyone as he said there was no point as nothing is done and he wants to die SadSadSad.

I have told him I am going into school tomorrow and I will sort this but I don't know what to do. I can't have him suffer like this anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
ImFab · 17/02/2011 14:25

I am leaving now.

Thanks everyone.

OP posts:
Maryz · 17/02/2011 17:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ImFab · 17/02/2011 17:48

We are back. I am shattered. We were with the DHead for 1 1/2 hours. I got emotional. He thought I was mocking his plan when I wasn't Blush. I told him it needs to stop now. Oh heck, I hope I did enough.
He didn't like it when I said my son kicked off because of what had happened at school but both DH and I know our child and no one knows him better than me and it was 100% because of school.

Not only is ds upset because he is getting kicked on but he is getting upset when his mates are picked on as well. Unfortunately one of them does sometimes retaliate/start things. The DHead knows my son does not start anything.

OP posts:
austenreader · 17/02/2011 18:03

Did you get any assurances?

When you can think straight again write a summary of the meeting and send it to school. Insist that the school confirms in writing what it intends to do about the problem.

I still think you should actively look for a new school though - and keep him off school tomorrow. You could always send a note to say he will remain at home until you have written assurance that he will be safe in school.

You are fortunate to have such a good MiL!

Now relax, wind down and stop beating yourself up! This will pass, none of it is your fault or your son's. You and your DH did well.

Original poster
ImFab · 17/02/2011 18:12

They are keen to have him in school tomorrow and I have agreed as I am in school myself. DH has written a letter to the head listing everything and asking lots of questions. I feel better but we will not let this go.

Our son is getting himself upset about his mate being picked on and is taking it upon himself to stick up for him and is then coming home being upset. We need to find a way of telling him to let X stick up for himself without ds thinking he has done anything wrong.

It is half term and first day back we will see how things go.

I feel weak for not removing him immediately but ds wants to go to school and dh says we have to give the school a chance but this is the last one. I would prefer to keep him at home but dh has to have a say too. I am not backing down. I think the DHead wasn't aware of some of the issues and did seem genuine about wanting to sort this.

I feel I have let you guys down after all your support by not removing him today.

OP posts:
austenreader · 17/02/2011 18:22

You haven't let anyone down, least of all Mumsnetters!

We weren't there. Your DS wants to go to school tomorrow. You've made some progress.

A good days work. Well done.

Maryz · 17/02/2011 18:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ImFab · 17/02/2011 18:26

Thank you.

I will ask my MIL to have ds for a day alone and talk to him about all of this and give him tools to manage things better.

My child is emotional and sensitive as well as caring and I don't want him to have that knocked out of him. He is my son and very like me in ways [lightbulb goes on].

OP posts:
RMCW · 17/02/2011 18:32

Really hope it works out for you.

but please bear in mind it may not and have a back up plan....I didnt and its taken a year to undo the damage caused.

Original poster
ImFab · 17/02/2011 18:39

We have a back up plan. Hopefully we won't need it but we won't hesitate to use it if anything else happened.

OP posts:
RMCW · 17/02/2011 18:54

Good.

Best of luck x

Original poster
ImFab · 17/02/2011 19:07

Thank you.

OP posts:
Malkuth · 17/02/2011 19:48

Am glad the meeting was ok and that Deputy seemed to want to sort things out. Hope tomorrow goes alright and you have a good half term.

Don't be daft about letting us down by not removing him. I know all I want is for you all to be ok and if he likes his school then why should he have to leave when they should actually sort it out? I feel like that about my kid- why should she leave her community school when the staff who don't live in the village aren't doing what legally they should?

Mind you I still have a back up plan too! Take care.

Original poster
ImFab · 17/02/2011 19:50

Thank you.

I really appreciate all your support today.

OP posts:
Malkuth · 17/02/2011 19:52

Any time Grin

caughtinanet · 17/02/2011 22:29

I'm glad to hear that it went better than you expected. Please keep being vigilant and make a record of what happens in the future.

Hopefully tomorrow will go OK and the half term break will be just what you all need.

austenreader · 18/02/2011 00:29

I 'met' one of my DD's bullies last week. She was working the till at a filling station. My girl's at a top university.:o

austenreader · 18/02/2011 01:29

That sounds terrible! I know there's nothing wrong with working in a filling station but they used to beat the out of her if she got any praise so she kind of made herself invisible to avoid getting any praise.

It's easy to say that the best thing to do is move your DC to a different school but not always easy to do. Mine kept insisting she didn't want to move and that it was 'giving in'. It could only be done when she eventually, after 5 years of it, agreed she would like to move - then I did it in one morning!

Original poster
ImFab · 18/02/2011 07:45

It didn't sound terrible. I guess it helps in some way that the bully hasn't done as well.

OP posts:
austenreader · 18/02/2011 10:03

It's sad though.

I always felt sorry for her even when she was doing those things to my DC. My rage was reserved for the school because what was happening was so obvious.

That kid and her mate needed help. My kid needed support. The school took the easy option because they wouldn't tackle their parents.

I hope things now start to get better for your DS. You did the right thing - but keep that paper trail going!

kate2607 · 18/02/2011 10:31

ImFab I hope it went ok at school today. To me it seems the situation is way past being salvaged. I finally got my DS out of a school where he had been bullied for nearly 2 years. After just a few weeks at home and now at an incredible school the change in him is incredible. He laughs again, he sings along to music, and most important every day he claims back another shred of his self confidence. I will never forgive myself for not fighting harder, sooner to get him out. Take your DS out of the school and home school him in the meantime if you have to, it is a tiny price to pay.

Original poster
ImFab · 18/02/2011 12:11

I reminded my son what to do if anything happened today. I am going to be on everyone and if anything happens again it will be the nuclear option. I know I have failed my son by not going in sooner and while I know why I haven't it is no excuse.

I am looking forward to them being at home next week. I have some extra money so have bought new books, stickers, puzzle books so they can have little treats and fun during the holiday.

OP posts:
Boozilla · 18/02/2011 12:33

Have been watching this, glad you have at least had some progress with the school. You're doing everything you can and need to stop being so hard on yourself!

As an aside, one of my bullies actually apologised to me years later when I saw her in a shop! She said she hadn't been able to stop thinking about what a horrible, horrible person she'd been and asked if I could forgive her!

By that point I had moved on (with the help of my supportive parents Wink) and told her I was way beyond worrying about it. Goes to show though, they don't all come out of it unscathed I suppose.

RMCW · 18/02/2011 13:04

Really hope he's ok today imfab

MinuteLaidMemoo · 18/02/2011 13:16

fab, just to get this clear in my head, did the deputy head tell you he couldn't guarantee that the bulling wouldn't happen again?

I'm not a teacher but a TA so have plenty of experience working in school. I agree whole heartedly with the poster who said this is totally unacceptable. No amount of bullying should be tolerated in schools. I know from experience that it is possible to stop bullying. If the bully/bullies continue with their behaviour their parents are brought in. If it still continues other sanctions are consider like exclusions.

Without going into too much detail I know of one situation where the perpetrator ended up being taught separately from his peers and spent his break time sitting on a chair in the head teachers office.

I am so angry on your behalf and so sorry you are going through it. I think its every parents worse nightmare, and I think you are handling it incredibly well. Don't let anyone tell you that you are being aggressive or 'highly strung'. This is your child and I would be exactly the same