Please please please help me

[ImFab]

DS1 has just lost it big time, screaming, throwing things, etc etc. I calmed him down and got him to write what is wrong. The kids at school have been bullying him again . DH and I were in school last week and gave him a list of who has been bullying my son and what he has had to put up with. The deputy head said he was on it and to give him until half term.

Had a nice afternoon, friends round, ds sent to bed for being rude, got up once I came home, not sure what happened but then it all kicked off. He has thrown everything around his room. Turns out they have been bullying him again. He didn't tell anyone as he said there was no point as nothing is done and he wants to die .

I have told him I am going into school tomorrow and I will sort this but I don't know what to do. I can't have him suffer like this anymore.

Ask the deputy for a copy of the school's anti-bullying policy & their official complaints policy - that tends to worry them. Ask if they have spoken to the parents of the other children.

All that said in the end we moved our DS to a new primary & can honestly say never looked back. Having spent a whole half-term telling us daily he didn't want to go, crying etc he hasn't said it once in the 2 terms at new school. Just a whole different approach to pastoral care.

LA may say can only start at diff school at start of a term but head of new school said she would take DS at half-term so LA readily okayed.

We have a copy of the anti bullying policy and they are failing on all the points.

So sorry that you're going through this - please make sure you keep a written record of all conversations with the school and also ask for the complaints procedure in case you need to involve the governors in the future

Good luck tomorrow

Thank you. DS seems okay this morning but dh and I are still very angry and upset. DH is going to the office to request an urgent meeting with the deputy head while I take the children into school and I am almost certain we won't be able to see him immediately. I will definitely be taking notes. I didn't do that last time as he seemed to be taking things seriously.

I have read about children hurting themselves and committing suicide over bullying. My child will not be one of them. I might not be a great mum most of the time but I am not sending my child to a school who won't do anything about it. I know of families who have moved their children because of bullying and it is looking very likely we will be joining them.

My 9 year old says he wants to die .

Have you got another school in mind? I'm in a similar situation (it's Ingrid here) and have looked at loads but didn't like any of the ones that have places.

So we'll probably end up HE-ing for a while.

Sorry this is happening to your boy. School sounds useless

Just came back to this to wish you luck this morning with the school.

The head has said he cannot guarantee that it will nbot happen again. Well that is probably tru, because he cannot know if a child is going to suddenly hit out or do whatever, non of us have that control over our own kids let alone anyonbe elses, BUT he should be assuring you that he is dealing with it, calling parents in, making sure that all the teachers are aware that there are issues going on at the moment, so that everyone is extra vigilant, and taking swift action if it does happen.

Any crap though, tell the teacher/head you are not satisfied and that he will be coming home with you.

To the poster who said that the child will learn that he can stay at home, well, unfortuntaely the choice is, send him somewhere which makes him unsafe and unhappy or run the risk of him wanting to be at home a bit more.

If it is all explained WHY in this instance he is at home, it should be ok.

I have been there with mine too Fab, I know how you feel.

There are other schools to chose from but we would need to visit them before making a decision.

The irony is my younger child pushed a kid of his chair and I was treated to a threatening phone call from the mother and I told the school and went in the next day to talk about it. They are giving my child extra support. The other mother was told this was happening. When it comes to my child being hurt, nothing.

The D Head asked for half term to sort it out, well they finish tomorrow and he couldn't even stop it for a week.

Please do talk to Kidscape. They are great and really helped me. They told me to inform my doctor about the bullying so that if necessary I could keep DD1 off school with a doctor's note. This makes it an authorised absense so the school can't claim the child is truanting. The other thing they advise is document, document, document.

There is also a very good ACE leaflet about tackling bullying that gives you your legal rights. Here

Alos contact your local Parent Partnership as bullying is the only thing other than SEN that is in their remit and so they can attend any meetings with you. Really feel for you and hope it gets sorted.

I have had a look at Kidscape and will be making notes when I do see the D Head, not that I expect that to be today. I feel so frustrated because I can't make him see me and I can't protect my child at school. I have failed my son.

You haven't failed your son. The school is failing your son. You need to stay strong for your boy.

A friend who was badly bullied suggested that I told my daughter how proud I was of her for having the courage to tell me as bullies count on that not happening. It is really important your kids know that you believe them and are on their side.

And don't worry what the head thinks of you. Am sure I am rapidly becoming the bane of mine's life. Tough!

Do contact Parent Partnership too. They know the legalities and mine were great at bringing up all the Safeguarding stuff that wouldn't have occurred to me.

Thank you, we are going now.

ImFab, am so sorry to here what is happening to your DS. There is lots of good advise here, hope your meeting goes well today.

Good luck, Fab.

I'd keep him out. No way would I let mine go through that shit.

IMFAB, Good Luck, I feel your pain as I went through this with DS1.

I feel crap. We asked to see him, can't until 3.30pm. We had a word in the playground. I felt dh wasn't being firm enough and was a little forceful. DH said I was aggressive, went too far and people were looking so ds will now have hassle because of that. I honestly don't feel I was aggressive. I told him my son has said he wants to die and trashed his room last night. I said I had no faith that he will sort it out. They haven't had the parents in and said "that could be the next step." I said it should be and he said no, he had to see what happened first. I told him my son said the dinner time staff are more bothered about chatting than doing anything and he just said well it is happening in class too so I asked what the teacher is doing about it.

Did I do it all wrong?

I nearly cried.

Poor you - I don't think you did anything wrong in being forceful for an earlier meeting although maybe a public place wasn't the most appropriate venue.

Do you have the name of the chair of govs - could you write a letter explaining what's happened so far and give specific examples of where the anti bullying policy has not been followed ?

I hope ot goes better this afternoon

I shouldn't have said anything but no one was that close and tbh I am desperate for them to stop this and are led by my emotions .

I don't know the name but could find it out.

You haven't done anything wrong. It's not your fault.

I've been in the same situation - nearly 10 years ago now - I could tell when things were wrong at school because DC was rude to me. She was bringing her anger home.

There are two ways to deal with the staff in this situation. I had previously been 'reasonable' but in the end I lost it completely, went to the school and just ranted. That had quite an effect they then did something about it but I simultaneously arranged another school.
The other is to be very controlled and well prepared. Write everything down beforehand and stick to the points you want to make.

But I would still change schools if I were you and not send him back there. The school isn't going to take any action against you because they are not guaranteeing your child's safety and welfare so you are justified in keeping him away.

It worked out just fine for my DC. She was a different child in a new school. I have two school photos - one of a tight lipped, anxious looking child. The other was taken 6 months later at the new school and it shows a happy, grinning child full of confidence.

Thank you.

Can I ask for more help with questions to write down to ask please?

The D Head has already said he can't guarantee it won't happen again.

I'm not sure it is questions that you need to ask and I'm not sure of the precise circumstances.

Have a list of 'incidents' that you know of. It's useful to do that anyway because you will probably start to see a pattern. (I discovered that the same 2 staff were responsible each time, one a dinner lady, the other a teacher.)

Write down the steps you and your husband have already taken in speaking to staff - this shows how long you have been trying to resolve this and how ineffective the school's remedies have been.

Have a list of the points you want to make - these will become apparent as you prepare the first two lists!

I found that a point blank refusal to allow my child to return until the school could guarantee safety and welfare was the most effective strategy. The school was terrified of absences.

Put EVERYTHING in writing, ALWAYS. So follow up the meeting with a written summary of the meeting. If promises are made then make sure these are confirmed in writing.

But meanwhile get on the phone to other schools and arrange an appointment.

Please please please contact Parent Partnership and Kidscape as they are very experienced in this. What county are you in? Will find out who you need in PP for you if it helps.

The ACE leaflet gives you examples of letters you can write. Put everything in writing to the school so that they can't pretend they don't know. I always do everything by email and blind copy it to one of my email addresses so I always have proof.

In order to progress to the formal complaint part with governors I think you have to give the head a chance to respond. The governors will probably then support the head but once you have gone to them you can progress to a complaint to the Local Authority.

We have given the DHead 2 lists written by my son of what has happened most recently and who the children are.

He just said the DHead can't guarantee nothing else would happen. He seemed more interested in telling us how bad the dinner ladies are at his old school and how much better they are at this school . So much better that even y 7 year old doesn't see the point of telling them if anything happened as nothing happens.

I have emailed kidscape.