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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

school mum called to rant why her dd not invited to my dd birthday. what to do?

194 replies

pissedoffpartymum · 11/01/2011 18:23

in brief, we have mutual arrangement re sharing school run. dd invited 7 out of 16 girls in class. school run child not included.

school run dad asked my dd about it in car - date, time and lack of invite. he then me to ask the same. we both explained no big party, only few invited. school run child gets specific from my dd. then tells my dd that "weeeellll, me and my mum think your mum is a liar".

school run mum calls me to say her dd should have been included and not missed as her dd and mine are very close, and they consider my dd as family.

as far as im concerned the friendship has it ups and downs. not unusual. but other girls tries to dominate my dd - preventing others from joining games, getting my dd to ask for an invite to any playdates my dd is invited to etc. my dd said other girl not on list of invitees as often problems with the girl in group scenario. i say fine.

so, am pissed right off re parent questioning my dd, re girl telling my dd re 'liar' and re calls from parents.

so, do i still continue to let them take mine to school? my instincts say no, but recognise it may just be my initial (emotional) reaction. i would still be willing to take ans collect their dd. your thoughts pls.

tia

OP posts:

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LondonSuperTrooper · 13/01/2011 17:20

Rabbit, I'm so pleased that your DS has got a close friend after the horrible experience of being dropped by the other boy.

tevion · 13/01/2011 19:18

Well to be honest I don,t think it would have hurt to have invited the other dd to avoid any ill feeling.
I would feel hurt if I was the other dd's mom.

Original poster

pissedoffpartymum · 13/01/2011 20:45

specialfriedrice, sorry that you were accused of being me in disguise. quite bizarre.

rabbitstew, i am so sorry for your ds. also very horrible for you.

i dont regret my decision, but the outcome was deeply regrettable. of course im sorry this girl was upset. and her parents.

saw girl's dad for few seconds when i picked up and dropped off. we both carried on as normal. unlikely i'll see her mum anytime soon, as we work different days. that means when they pick up and drop off, im at work.

thanks again all for this debate.

OP posts:

maggiethecat · 13/01/2011 21:10

I haven't the time to read all 179 posts but it's clear that you and your dd are not keen on the other girl. The fact that you could not be bothered to buy an xmas gift, until prompted by the need for reciprocity, says a lot.

For me the time and energy involved in their daily commute should count for something, although not necessarily a party invite. But it appears that the relationship is purely one of convenience for you.

Given events, I would discontinue the shared run, no matter how inconvenient or costly.

MsHighwater · 14/01/2011 22:00

maggiethecat, "could not be bothered to buy an xmas gift"? - a quite unnecessary bit of nastiness, that. I'd sooner say that it indicates that the OP and her dd do not see the other family as being included in the group of people they buy gifts for and didn't expect to receive a gift from. It's OK to have a relationship of convenience if it is open that this is the case. It seems the other family see it otherwise.

The problem here is not that the other girl was not invited to the party. It is the frankly bizarre and aggressive behaviour of the other family over the matter. I think I'd be running a mile from anyone who was so rude to me.

MsHighwater · 14/01/2011 22:00

and, btw, I'm not the OP in disguise, either.

maggiethecat · 15/01/2011 21:40

Didn't expect to receive a gift and only bothered to buy one when they received one. The language may be harsh but it I think it is truthful.

I don't suppose it was the case before, but now the other family should realise that the relationship is one of convenience for the op even if they did not consider it as such for themselves.

I think they should each run a mile from the other.

fidelma · 15/01/2011 22:40

If key children aren't being invited to the party because it is so small.They should not find out that the party is happening.If this is not possible then they should be invited sometimes 7 year olds need to be taught to do the right think.It is the parents job to do this.

However you don't need to by them Christmas presents.

In my Opinion.

maggiethecat · 15/01/2011 23:03

Fair enough Fidelma. Each person will decide to whom they wish to extend their kindness of gift giving.

I would have given a gift, even a small one in recognition of the shared commitment, and the amount time and close proximity the girls would have spent with each other probably exchanging banter and some good moments.

If she was not originally considered (op did not say that she forgot to get gift) I would not have then gone and got her one.

In fact I find it quite annoying when people buy a gift merely bcos they expect to receive/have received one.

MsHighwater · 15/01/2011 23:24

maggiethecat, what is your point? I don't tend to buy gifts for people I don't expect to receive gifts from. It doesn't mean that I am mercenary and only prepared to buy a gift if I am going to get one in return. I don't buy Christmas or birthday gifts for every single person I know so, of course, the world is, at one level, divided into people I buy gifts for and those I don't. It doesn't mean I can't be bothered buying gifts for all the hundreds of people I know but don't buy gifts for or that my contact with them is only for my "convenience". It's just that they are not people with whom I have that kind of relationship. I'm guessing the OP, like most people, is much the same. Your language is unnecessarily hostile on this point.

maggiethecat · 15/01/2011 23:36

MsHighwater you really should stop taking this so personally and that is not intended to be hostile.

MsHighwater · 15/01/2011 23:38

Not taking it personally, maggie. It comes over as hostile to the OP.

Original poster

pissedoffpartymum · 15/01/2011 23:41

hello, thanks for your support and keeping my seat warm missus!

maggie, its clear to me that you have not read the thread and are just spouting stuff.

you say that i 'couldnt be bothered' to buy gift. are you implying that i was in some way duty-bound, by virtue of the school run arrangement? odd.

your post implies that i am using this family for a lift. as you say you havent read the posts, you'll likely have missed that i/dh do almost all the school runs. i also said that i suggested to discontinue the arrangement, at least for a while. the girls dad asked that the arrangement continues.

seems you are deliberately choosing to read and interpret this situation in a way that frames me as a . c'est la vie.

OP posts:

maggiethecat · 15/01/2011 23:57

Bothered can be read as 'taking the time; giving consideration; extending kindness' etc. I don't think the use of the word should be construed as hostile. The op was able to 'take the time, give consideration etc' after receiving one.

The gift point is used in the entire context of the scenario including the lack of party invite which seems to be that for the op the relationship is convenient whilst for the other family it is more than that.

I agree with you on one point and that is that there is nothing wrong with a relationship of convenience if it is clear to the parties that this is what it is.

I doubt that the other party considered this to be the case and are clearly hurt.

maggiethecat · 16/01/2011 00:05

I read many of the posts but not the entire thread and am not trying to frame you as anything. People will interpret the posts as they see fit.

Hopefully you will all get over your hurt over this matter.

Octavia09 · 16/01/2011 10:56

In your situation I would have invited the girl to the party. They made an effort and bought Christmas presents and also you share a car. If you do not like the fact she is a bit possesive (she sounds like that) then stop the car sharing.

Sops · 17/01/2011 21:07

FWIW my friend's 40th birthday is coming up soon- he was saying that he would like to invite couple A but if couple B found out the A's were invited and not the B's too then 'my dw's life wouldn't be worth living at the school gate'
Just to point out that many grown adults would be upset/offended if they weren't invited to something that they would expect to be included in. Maybe they are very immature and maybe there are mismatched expectations in friendships but to expect a 7 yr old to brush off a social snub when many adults would struggle is probably unrealistic.
Girl friendships, particularly at this age, can be very 'political' and can be a minefield to negotiate.
It may be a cop out but so far we have always invited all girls in the class to dd's parties. She plays with most of them anyway so there'd only be two she wouldn't choose to invite anyway and I'd hate to leave them out so we have the whole lot. Our parties are the homemade type anyway so hardly any extra cost.

pranma · 17/01/2011 22:24

I do understand your dilemma-I dont think you can do anything now-the party is over.Fwiw I would have invited the other child-the shared lifts put her in a different category to your dd's other friends.I would have just said,'We will also invite xxx because she will feel bad if we dont. She travels to school with you every day so it will look mean if we dont ask her.'

mrsbadger2 · 22/01/2011 05:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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