school mum called to rant why her dd not invited to my dd birthday. what to do?

[pissedoffpartymum]

in brief, we have mutual arrangement re sharing school run. dd invited 7 out of 16 girls in class. school run child not included.

school run dad asked my dd about it in car - date, time and lack of invite. he then me to ask the same. we both explained no big party, only few invited. school run child gets specific from my dd. then tells my dd that "weeeellll, me and my mum think your mum is a liar".

school run mum calls me to say her dd should have been included and not missed as her dd and mine are very close, and they consider my dd as family.

as far as im concerned the friendship has it ups and downs. not unusual. but other girls tries to dominate my dd - preventing others from joining games, getting my dd to ask for an invite to any playdates my dd is invited to etc. my dd said other girl not on list of invitees as often problems with the girl in group scenario. i say fine.

so, am pissed right off re parent questioning my dd, re girl telling my dd re 'liar' and re calls from parents.

so, do i still continue to let them take mine to school? my instincts say no, but recognise it may just be my initial (emotional) reaction. i would still be willing to take ans collect their dd. your thoughts pls.

tia

Just wait until something like this happens to your daughter. You will understand how much it hurts to see your child excluded. Maybe then you will understand the hurt you have caused. And it was so easily avoidable.

You ride share for FFS and you didn't even consider inviting her? Shame on you.

offs anamerican get a bloody grip !
Of course it hurts if your child is excluded form something, what was the op suppposed to do?
It was her dd's b'day, she is old enough to invite who the hell she wants.
It should be a valuble lesson for the other little girl that sometimes in life we don't always get what we want and as for the other Mum having a go at the op, well shame on her !

"get a bloody grip?" Do I really need to? For defending a 7 year old child?

It's your party, invite who you want to invite, it is very rude of anyone to suggest anything other than this. x

yes, you do need to get a bloody grip.
Shit happens, it is your responsibilty as a parent to comfort your child not to go shouting the odds as to what you think should have happened.
My dd is 7, she has not been invited to some parties,yes she has'nt been happy about it but the difference with me is I realise the world is not a bloody perfect place.
I repeat it was the op's dd's party, herr party her choice.

To the OP...easy tiger!!

I would have thought it would be a no-brainer to invite the lift kid, really. 7 girls out of 16 is not 'only a few', it's almost half of them! I can't believe it didn't occur to you that she'd be upset - but seeing as it's happened and she is, I'd invite her for tea to make up. Someone once didn't invite one of mine, having previously done so, and I though ho hum a bit, and then she stopped me in the playground and said she was really sorry and felt bad and hoped dd wasn't upset but not everyone could go, and then invited her for tea - and that was nice.

You can't give 7 year olds free reign to upset other 7 year olds - we all try to make them aware of the impact of their actions, and encourage them to be kind, etc etc, so then to say 'well it's her party, if she wants to hurt peoples' feelings then that's fair enough, her choice!'

.... is a bit inconsistent!

Very interesting post from those who disagree. i appreciate the posters who do agree and sympathise with my dilema.

many posters are hung up on this being about exclusion. not invited and exclusion are not always the same thing. were the other girls also not excluded then? because they too were not included. dont know too many more ways to say this, but wiil have another shot.

my dd does like this girl; she is her friend - just no more or less than any other child in her class. if asked, she will say that she is friends with everyone and does not have a 'best friend'. she says this also to this girl. my guessing is that this girl will declare that my dd is her bff and then ask my dd, poss expecting her to reciprocate or change her answer.

so, i should have invited her because of a lift share? how about the children of my friends who go to the same school and whom we have known for 5 years+? we see them every day too, and will pop round at a moments notice, and us to them. or the children in the same church, brownies and school, whom dd spends quality time with every week?

so, with only 7 guests allowed, and invited according to the suggested 'entitlement' intimated by several posters, my dd would have been likely invited maybe 3 guests of her own choice. of course we have a relationship with all these people here mentioned and we spend our time variously with them. and rightly so.

"You can't give 7 year olds free reign to upset other 7 year olds - we all try to make them aware of the impact of their actions, and encourage them to be kind, etc etc, so then to say 'well it's her party, if she wants to hurt peoples' feelings then that's fair enough, her choice!'"

these are your words, not mine. not even poor paraphrasing, just plainly not true. not said or implied. at. all. however you seem to choose to want to see it that way.

What a horrible way to treat a little child.

Proud of yourself, are you? You certainly sound like you are.

What a nasty nasty piece of work. Your kid stands no chance with you as a role model. No wonder she thought it was ok to exclude her little friend.

Sorry pissedoffpartymum & chickenfried rice (surely one in the same!) People are expressing their opinions, they don't have to agree with you! When you liftshare, the kids are friends and they and you see the child everyday surely it would just have been easier to have invited the little girl? I have a 6 year old in year 2 and that particular invite wouldn't be up for discussion. As far as I see it the debate is pointless as you appear to want to be validated? I am a softy and like another poster said would myself have formed an attachment to a child I take to school regularly but you appear to view her as just another child. With regards to `she is 7 she can invite who she wants etc surely you could have guided her.'
For me there is something just a little mean spirited to your approach and more than a little cold. They are so young still.

The sense of entitlement from some of you astounds me.
Bobbysmum, I would be a damn site happier with the op's parenting ability than of yours.
It sounds like you are the nasty peice of work,I pity your children actually.

Are you accusing me of posting on the thread when I am the op, smischa?
I am not the op, just a Mum who agrees with what she has done.
By all means contact mnhq who will confirm that we are not the smae person.
Pathetic, some of your little darlings will still be tied to the apron strings as adults.
How will they evr except dissapointment or rejection if good old Mum jumps in every time there is a percieved misjustice?

pissedoffpartymum, I am the mother of a child likely to be excluded by a lot of other children and who has been suddenly dropped by a child (as in no longer played with, rather than being actively unkind) whom we all thought was his best friend (and had told my ds at one point that he was his best friend), without explanation as to the reasons for the dropping (ds1 has aspergers, so no way would he ever have a chance of understanding what he had done wrong and learning from it without it being spelt out in black and white!). Yet even though I am therefore an awful lot more sensitive to the feelings of a child who thought they were someone's best friend and didn't pick up on the signals that they weren't, because I know this can be literally devastating to a child's self confidence, I still have a lot of sympathy for your point of view. I don't think you gave sufficient thought to that particular girl and her personality, but you did not mean harm, and rational parents would listen to your explanation and accept that this was an upsetting and unfortunate misunderstanding and nothing more - no hurt was intended, your dd genuinely does like the other dd, and your dd did not mean to send the message to the other dd that she didn't like her. You have had the good grace to try to explain your reasoning (I never dared ask the mother of the boy who dropped my ds, even though I desperately wanted to know the reason why). That should have been accepted equally graciously by the parents: they may have handled things differently, but you made a rational and reasoned decision and were taken by surprise by its effect. I agree with those who suggest you invite the other dd over for a playdate, if your dd wants to show that no hard feelings were meant and that her friendship is still appreciated.

Sorry chickenfriedrice you are definitely the OP. No one can get that wound up commenting for another poster! From my objective point of view whilst I don't agree with bobbysmum07 personal criticism I can't be in the minority on agreeing with her sentiment.

Haha, smishca, no most definately not the op.
Honestly, as previously suggested contact mnhq who will confirm this.
You are right, generally would not get this wound up but having a horrendous day, very annoyed at a major child protection risk on behalf of my ds who is disabled.
I don't think the op is some evil witch who needs to be burnt at the stake, just a mother who was trying to do the best for her dd, as we all would surely?

Have you seen the family since POPM?

I do a lift share with another Beaver mum out of convience to us both but our boys are not best buddies or anything, neither are invited to each other's parties.

I have just spent ages reading this whole thread and am in the camp of you should have invited her and am also a little astounded at the lack of empathy you seem to have.

You said in your last op that yes this girl and your dd are friends but no more friendly thank any other girls in the class but seem to be missing that yes while that may be true the fact that they apend an 8 mile journey twice a day does like it or not shift that goal post a little bit and I can totally see why the little girl was upset.
Yes the parents totally over reacted but maybe they also felt that with this ongoing arrangement they were able to aporoach you and tell you of the upset.

You have also said that taking her to the pantomime does not set her apart from the otehr children in the class because you have tekn other children? Do the parents and the dd know you have taken out most of the other girls in the class out? I can again see how this could appear to set the child apart as a hosen special friend as if i'm honest I probabl would only choose to spend money like that taking out my dc's closest friends and would also assume that i my dc's were invited out on a 1 to 1 outing like that, that they were considered a special friend by the child that's parent was taking them.

Really, smischa? Really?

Perhaps I'm the OP too because I completely agree with her! And I have a DD who does go in for that suffocating 'best friend' stuff (drives me crazy to see her do it), so it would be likely to be my DD who was not invited... but I still think the OP is in the right and the other parents are fruitloops...

If you're going to shout false identities, perhaps start with Blueyonder or Bobbysmum, who appear to be posting as the Other Parents!

Clearly I was wrong as she has explained. Whilst you are agreeing with the OP there is no swearing or personal attack to another poster which I found strange. Personally I find the way some parents are (over) reacting giving me flashbacks to my childhood (very happy at an all girls boarding school before I am told I am reliving some buried childhood anxieties!). As I share on opposing view I am merely expressing an opinion without having to throw accusations at posters I do not know. My responsibilty is ultimately to my children ofcourse but compassion and consideration for a child I see regularly is not mutually exclusive.

So hang on a minute, it is ok for other people to personally attack the op, done well before I first posted but if someone else clearly disagrees and gives back as good at what has been given that is not ok?
Double standards me thinks

I actually wanted to say to rabbitstew I think you should ask those parents. I see nothing wrong with saying "as you're aware, my DS has aspergers, and we're trying to help him learn about human behaviour, which he naturally finds harder to interpret than other children. Please could you do a little bit of investigating into why your DS doesn't want to be friends with him. If it's just a little playground tiff, I honestly won't be offended, these things happen. But if my DS has done something without comprehending the implications, I'd really value the opportunity to teach him about this."

If my DD dropped a friend because of something relating to behaviour on the autistic spectrum, I'd welcome the chance to teach her about why the other person finds those kind of situations difficult, and hope that she could learn to be the kind of friend who would help them.

Am now stepping away from briefly highjacked thread.

She sounds like a nut bag. I would never phone someone up like that and she should have just accepted that her child wasn't invited.

that said, I think your point about them viewing the friendship differently (wrt xmas presents etc) is a valid one and I can see why they might be hurt if they regard you as highly as they seem to.

Hi, LisasCat. Thanks for the hijack. Unfortunately, ds1 was only recently diagnosed - he didn't have a diagnosis at the time, albeit I knew he was likely to get one. It would therefore have been very difficult to speak to the other ds's mother and ask her whether the sudden change of heart related to the fact that my ds is a bit odd and it would help me to understand in what ways his oddness had put the other ds off! Also, the other ds is still friendly towards ds1 at school, he just doesn't seek him out to play with, anymore.

Also, my suspicion is that his parents didn't go out of their way to encourage the friendship, which is why I am hesitant to ask even now. I certainly dropped every hint possible that I would like to understand the problem - namely by chasing up offers of playdates when the other boy's mother was clearly hoping that not getting back to me to agree dates and times would send the message that her ds was not going to come over to play. You have to give up eventually! They chose to handle the situation in what I view as a rather selfish way, leaving me in the dark as to whether they had a problem with me or my son, or whether they were just too embarrassed to say that their son just didn't want to play with my ds outside of school. Luckily for ds, he now has a close friend who does not find him odd and whose mother I get on very well with and I've written it off as one of those life experiences that children sometimes have to go through.