school mum called to rant why her dd not invited to my dd birthday. what to do?

[pissedoffpartymum]

in brief, we have mutual arrangement re sharing school run. dd invited 7 out of 16 girls in class. school run child not included.

school run dad asked my dd about it in car - date, time and lack of invite. he then me to ask the same. we both explained no big party, only few invited. school run child gets specific from my dd. then tells my dd that "weeeellll, me and my mum think your mum is a liar".

school run mum calls me to say her dd should have been included and not missed as her dd and mine are very close, and they consider my dd as family.

as far as im concerned the friendship has it ups and downs. not unusual. but other girls tries to dominate my dd - preventing others from joining games, getting my dd to ask for an invite to any playdates my dd is invited to etc. my dd said other girl not on list of invitees as often problems with the girl in group scenario. i say fine.

so, am pissed right off re parent questioning my dd, re girl telling my dd re 'liar' and re calls from parents.

so, do i still continue to let them take mine to school? my instincts say no, but recognise it may just be my initial (emotional) reaction. i would still be willing to take ans collect their dd. your thoughts pls.

tia

Pissedoff, I can tell you feel bad now and would suggest maybe inviting her to tea.

maisie, the OP did ask her dd and was given a perfectly sensible reason why the other girl was not invited - it seems that the other girl can cause problems in the group situation, which seems a pretty good reason for not including her in a small party.

It sounds as if the reasons given are more to do with the other girl wanting the OPs DD to be her 'special' friend - all the more reason for the OP to be very aware of how serious this little girl takes the friendship and how much the invite to the party would mean to her.

blueyonder22, what is the point of answering the question "What do I do" by, firstly, telling the OP what (you think) she should have done. FWIW, I think you are wrong from start to finish. The OP clearly does regret that the other child appears to feel slighted but her own parents must be held partly accountable for that when you consider the example they are setting in terms of what they consider to be appropriate behaviour. The repeated questions about who was to be invited directed both to the OP's dd and to the OP herself is not what I consider to be normal or acceptable adult behaviour.

blueyonder, i think your post is over top.

i have upset a lot of posters?

i invited suggestions how to smooth this over. i have expressed my sorry of how the girl is feeling - both here and to the girls father - and no pigs flew.

i genuinely asked opinions re a solution. you are now among those who seem to read my posts with cynicism and want me to squirm, and squirm some more. and give me a kick in.

MsHighwater when asked `Blueyonder ....What am I expected to do? Really?' One generally gives their opinion.

Pissedofpartymum whilst you have said you are sorry how they feel (reluctantly towards the end it appears). You are still adamant you made the right decision and do not regret inviting her, that is what people are debating and disagreeing with. Whilst it is good you are sorry at the upset, whilst not regretting your initial decision it is difficult how you can move it on because generally genuine sorrow/empathy surely goes hand in hand with regret.

blueyonder, she asked what she should do and you told her what she should have done. One's opinion might be more constructively employed in answering the question one was asked, I generally find.

Imho, the decision not to invite was fair enough on the grounds that not everyone can be invited to a party with a guest list shorter than the number of one's acquaintances. I reckon, though I haven't counted, that a minority only of those who have posted on this thread think the OP should have invited the other child against her dd's wishes. In any case, it's not really anyone else's call to make so not much point berating the OP for what is done.

I think blueyonder said what she would do on that post is apologise?! That is an option?

I also, but perhaps with less steam(!), would have invited a child I take to school out of common courtesy.

I would say that there are far more on here who would have invited the little girl to keep the peace.

OP, you'd be on more solid ground here if your dd hadn't picked this other girl as the only girl to go to the panto with her. That plus the travelling every day, having a giggle together in the car and so on, means that the other girl would have been bound to be feeling confident that she had a friend in your dd. And in fact you knew she felt like that because of the way she spoke about your dd being her best friend.

No matter how your dd really rated her, you knew this girl thought your dd was her best friend. It's hard to see how you could not have seen that this lack of invite would amount to her best friend snubbing her pointedly.

To be nosy for a minute - are you someone who's always been popular and never had any problem making friends? Have you always been in the position of being able to pick and choose confidently who you wanted to be with and have as a friend, and never experienced or worried about rejection (or felt rejected, even if you didn't get an invitation)?

I can't really work out why you've got so little empathy with this girl. I'm wondering if you're projecting your own and your dd's experience of self confidence in friendships onto someone who just has a completely different experience.

I do think the parents reacted in a badly chosen way to say the least, but I would have been deeply deeply embarrassed for this girl not to have been included. I wouldn't necessarily have forced the invitation, but I would at least have pre-empted the other girl's reaction by catching the parents and apologising profusely - saying you're so sorry, but numbers are limited, and your dd seems to have deliberately chosen several girls who she doesn't usually see so much of out of school, so their dd absolutely shouldn't read anything into it. And I'd've tried to arrange another playdate or something special for shortly after the party if I could.

Maybe that kind of damage limitation might work a bit after the fact, if you can apologise for not explaining that.

Also, you say this other girl's birthday is only three weeks after your dd's. It's likely your dd could have expected an invitation to a day out or party for that, isn't it, and this other girl may already have been excited about inviting your dd. That might have added to the feeling of rejection and unfairness, even if you hadn't had that invitation yet.

Haven't you ever heard of letting someone down gently?

What the other girl experienced was a slap in the face even if it wasn't intended to be that. And unlike someone who's just a classmate (who might also have an abrupt lesson taught to her about how close she really is to someone she believes is her best friend - par for the course for childhood friendships), this girl doesn't have the option of keeping her distance from the OP's dd from then on, because she's stuck in a car with her everyday.

It's nothing to do with there only being one way to make friends. It's everything to do with looking at things from someone else's point of view and having a bit of kindness or at least tact. So even if you don't invite someone, at least pay proper attention to how they might feel about it. Or pay some attention to how they might feel about it. That's where I think the OP made a mistake, even if her dd is lovely and sociable, and even if the other parents' overreaction is extreme too.

Bear in mind that the other parents aren't here whereas the OP is. If they had started their own thread there'd have been plenty of people telling them to get a grip, but that's a bit wasted here as they're not here to read it! Doesn't mean it wouldn't be said if they were.

If I shared lifts to work with a friend and she invited some people to the pub for her b'day but not me, I think I'd be hurt. And I'm considerably older and more robust than these fragile 7 year olds.

The parent's reaction was over the top, and completely irrational. However we all love our children and hate to see them hurt.

My son's cousin decided not to invite him to his party. We sent him a present because he is our nephew. Instead of getting a proper thank you letter we were sent a photograph of the party that my son wasn't invited. It was a computer print out saying thank you as the boy was too lazy to write a proper thank you letter. It was worse than no thank you letter.

My son was doubly hurt and I wanted to rearrange my sil's face. We are not always mature and rational when our children experience hurt.

The more I think about it the more I think the parents of the girl who was not invited are dealing with it the wrong way. I would not want my daughter to be invited to a party just because I have insisted with birthday girl's parents that my Dd should be invited, just because I think she should. That is a recipe for desaster.

IMH the invites "crushes" have to be played down big time to our Dcs rather than ecalated to the point the child will definitely realise there is something really wrong with the situation.

just quick post. agree tht any invitation should be given out of choice not obligation. poster previously asked whether i should have goone against my dd's wishes and invited the girl. opinions on this please.

also, re posters saying 'one more would not have made a difference'. if i was going to let my dd add one more person, surely it should have been the friend that was 9th on her list. at best, the girl would have been 11th. how would that have been fair - both to my dd or the girl that was 9th on the list?

I think, basically, your dd was in a difficult social situation whatever she did. Clearly the other dd had a different view of the friendship, but that was, presumably, quite a hard message for your dd to get through to her, given that they shared a car journey every day. Maybe your dd could have found a kinder way of getting through to the other dd that she likes spending time alone with her, but doesn't like the way the other girl chases her other friends away when they are in a group and that this upsets and annoys your dd. Not inviting the other girl to the party was a very effective way of saying this, but deeply hurtful for someone who needs and clings to special friendships. Basically, if I had been your dd, I wouldn't have chosen a birthday party as the time to send a message to the other girl, particularly given the fallout this would inevitably cause every day in the car and with the girl's parents, but your dd is only 7 and she had an incredibly difficult message to impart!

Maybe if you had been more aware of the deep feelings of the other dd, you could have sat your dd down and talked through with her kinder ways of letting the other dd know how your dd feels. And also discussed with her why sometimes maybe you have to invite people to parties when you'd rather invite someone else if you had totally free choice - eg when you are aware they are under the mistaken impression that you are a best friend and you haven't yet dealt with this misunderstanding.

I hope you manage to smooth this over - not a fun position to be in! I feel sorry for everyone.

I'm surprised that the other parents haven't picked up on the fact that the op's daughter doesn't consider their daughter to be as good a friend as their daughter does. If they haven't then I guess they feel led on. I think that you are wrong to see the lift sharing as a minor thing. Unless you are really cold then the fact that you lift share means that you trust the other family enough to take care of your dd and that you like their dd's company. I'd imagine that both girls see it as the equivalent of a daily play date. I did when my mum and neighbour liftshared.

On the other hand, I let my kids pick who get an invite to their party and have never done whole class parties. I don't understand the rationale behind them. Most kids don't play with everyone and if it's not a friend then they smack of sympathy invite - lol.

I'm gobsmacked that the parents would pull you up on the invite though!! Personally I'd run a mile from the lift sharing unless the other daughter always gets a sympathy invite in future (I'm guessing that by other posts that you have forgiven the liar comment.)

OP just wanted to give you sympathy as I feel you have had an unfair kicking. And I write as mother of a DC who has probably been in the position of the other girl and not invited to parties from people thought of as friends, and I have been sad and hurt, but accepted it as that's what happens. I viewed it as my job to understand why my DC had not been invited and what I needed to help them change in their behaviour so that in future they would be. That's the way a parent should behave.

Frankly, I totally understand why your DD wouldnt want to invite this girl based on her behaviour, and her parents' extremely rude behaviour probably goes a long way to explaining why the other girl struggles with friendship behaviours. They are awkward and lacking in understanding how to behave, and so is she.

Having said all that though, I would have invited a child my DC shared a daily run with.

I think it is very difficult for children if another child tags on to them and decides that "you are my best friend" when they don't actually want them for a best friend. After all, it is not the OPs dd who has decided about this car sharing situation and she should not be held responsible for it.

Ds has been in that situation and it is far too difficult for him to explain that "I don't actually want you to be my best friend because I don't like you"; he can't bring himself to be that unkind. But a monopolising "best friend" is a good way to put other potential friends off.

In the long run I think children have to be allowed to manage their own social life: adults are allowed not to socialise closely with workmates, so I don't see why a child should be forced to socialise with someone she shared a lift with. I don't feel obliged to invite my colleagues to my birthday party just because I see them every day.

I didn't say this before but wanted to add that youd dd seems to have a healthy attitude towards friendships. It's best at school to have a wide circle of friends rather than one intense friendship.

My son had an intense (exclusive) friendship with another boy but after a couple of years decided that he wanted to widen his friendships and the other boy took it REALLY badly and had a lot of problems coming to terms with things.

But if you car-shared to work and you told the other person of your impending 40th birthday party, I'm sure that the other person would be extremely miffed not to be invited!

It IS hard for both children, the one who believes they are good friends and the one who doesnt value the friendship

I do think compassion is worth encouraging tho, and responding by saying that yu would be doing a small thing just the 2 of them would have gone a long way to smoothing things over

That said, I do find it sad that a child you spend 20-30 mins with currently 5 times a week and apparently rising to 9 times a week you dont have much regard for.
If I spent that long that frequently with a child I am certain I would develop a fondness for them and consider them part of my immediate circle, and it seems the other parents are the same as me.
And as such I would hate to hurt her, and would realise that leaving her out would hurt her.

If the child was so inherently unlovable that you didnt I would have found a different arrangement rather than put myself- and my child- through that daily.

Think rabbitstew summed it up perfectly: "I think, basically, your dd was in a difficult social situation whatever she did."

OP: you asked for opinions on whether you should have invited the girl against your dd's wishes. In your shoes, I probably would have invited the child and explained to my dd that this one guest was a must due to the liftshare, but the remaining places were completely at her discretion. Not ideal either, I realise that, but I think that's what I would have done. (My dd has a friend where I am closer friends with the mother (since our dcs' births) than our dds have grown to be; we always invite that one child to parties simply to avoid awkwardness iyswim. It's a bit artificial, but they are friendly enough (just not very close friends) but sometimes that's just how it goes! I won't be insisting on that once the children are in separate schools or classes and there is less frequent crossover, for example).

In a similar vein, I did a liftshare to Brownies with my dd with someone not in her class and never invited that liftshare to parties, nor expected my dd to be invited to hers. It was all about the level of contact and the Brownie liftshare was purely a convenience and not at all a friendship thing.

So I don't think you should have invited the child explicitly against your dd's wishes, but I think maybe, if it had occurred to you that this might be an issue, it might have been good to kick off the party planning with "We will invite X, and who else would you like?" and hope to manage it that way.

I haven't been able to read the whole thread so if your dd explicitly said she DID NOT WANT to invite the other child then I agree you were right not to force it and to have to deal with this resulting situation, no real other way out!

Bit of a ramble, sorry. I feel for you!

cory is right - it is unbelievably difficult to explain to someone that you don't want to be their best friend and don't want them monopolising you. To do this, you have to hurt that person's feelings one way or another (slowly but surely, or quickly and painfully) - not easy if you then have to share a car with them. It's all a useful learning experience, though - it's not dissimilar to the difficulties experienced in adult romantic relationships where one side has tired of the romance and the other still wants it to keep going! Except, of course, when adults split up, they don't tend to share cars to work afterwards.