school mum called to rant why her dd not invited to my dd birthday. what to do?

[pissedoffpartymum]

in brief, we have mutual arrangement re sharing school run. dd invited 7 out of 16 girls in class. school run child not included.

school run dad asked my dd about it in car - date, time and lack of invite. he then me to ask the same. we both explained no big party, only few invited. school run child gets specific from my dd. then tells my dd that "weeeellll, me and my mum think your mum is a liar".

school run mum calls me to say her dd should have been included and not missed as her dd and mine are very close, and they consider my dd as family.

as far as im concerned the friendship has it ups and downs. not unusual. but other girls tries to dominate my dd - preventing others from joining games, getting my dd to ask for an invite to any playdates my dd is invited to etc. my dd said other girl not on list of invitees as often problems with the girl in group scenario. i say fine.

so, am pissed right off re parent questioning my dd, re girl telling my dd re 'liar' and re calls from parents.

so, do i still continue to let them take mine to school? my instincts say no, but recognise it may just be my initial (emotional) reaction. i would still be willing to take ans collect their dd. your thoughts pls.

tia

Good suggestions as to smoothing things over. tis other girls bday in 3 weeks. maybe i should offer to take girls out, just the two of them, to make up for it. a little?

I think that would be a lovely thing to do

ignoring whether or not the op should have invited the other child

the parents' reaction has been VILE! and THAT is why i would cancel the lift-share. I mean really...
I actually don't think she was unreasonable not to invite the girl. she had limited spaces and tbh if you can't have who you want at your own birthday party that's pretty sad.

the dad told the OP's daughter that he thought OP was a liar??? i mean FFS.
they've made it into a massive issue when they needn't have

they could have spoken to her and said "oh, dd was really upset not to get an invite, was it intentional?" and then maybe the OP would have been more sympathetic? but they've gone totally OTT about it and tbh it just isn't worth wasting time with people like that

and actually I don't think you should do something special to make it up to her

it was YOUR daughter's birthday and she chose the people she wanted there

sharing a lift does not make you best friends and does not mean you HAVE to invite them to everything you ever do

the child clearly has bad manners... she asked for a present??? ffs! and you got her one!! (

she clearly gets this sense of entitlement from her parents who can't stand to see her (in their eyes) shortchanged.

don't give in to them and let the parents AND the child see that tantrumming gets them exactly what they want. you wouldn't give into a tantrummning toddler would you? so don't do it for grown-ups

I don't think the response was vile. I think that the other child may've been very upset which caused the parents to respond in this way. Who hasn't burned up inside when they know their child is upset. I know I have. Perhaps I wouldn't have said anything but I would've loved to have done so.

I think the playdate idea is great. Perhaps explain to them why you made the decision (and stick by it) but acknowledge that you realise they are upset and never intended that.

this is really hard. It sounds as though they have different standards, not better or worse necessarily but just different as to how a friendship should be conducted.

They are hurt by your actions and you are shocked by theirs. Neither meant any harm imo.

I think you should try to explain from your POV and say you realise you hurt their feelings and you are sorry.

I think the issues regarding friendship and their dd monopolising yours need to be dealt with separately by the school. You can have a word in confidence.

Life is filled with people who do things differently and get offended by stuff we see as normal.

You have to weigh it up and if you can maintain a friendship despite these differences then do so; if not, let it fade out and stop the lifts.

But try to keep it pleasant and see both sides; imo I don't think either of you is being totally unreasonable. It's just awkward.

I think that would be a lovely thing to do

and fwiw I am always highly suspicious of people who consider my child 'family'; I had issues with a mum who used to try and muck in at every opportunity, and often scooped up my child after school instead of letting me hug him first which I found really crossed a line; she was always inviting him round for meals and babysitting and so on and I didn't feel I could reciprocate; it just wasn't 'me'.

There are loads of people out there who will understand the way you do things; try to avoid the ones who don't as everyone just gets upset.

"I don't think the response was vile. I think that the other child may've been very upset which caused the parents to respond in this way. Who hasn't burned up inside when they know their child is upset."

Of course you burn up inside when your child is upset. But you burn up inside, that's the whole point. You feel bad because your child is hurt, but you don't blame the rest of the world for it.

Nobody is entitled to a party invitation. I can understand a child being upset if they are excluded for some reason, but as an adult, surely you would have some control over your response?

I agree with thisisyesterday - the parents' response was absolutely vile. However, that isn't really the fault of the other child, so I agree with the OP that it might be worth doing something nice with just the two girls in order to smooth things over. Not because you should, but just because you are a nice person and don't want things to be unpleasant.

Pissedoff, fair do's to you for taking the different views here on board.

Sounds like a nice idea to make it up, if you're instinct is that you want to continue the lift-share.

i just don't think the OP should feel pressured into taking the girls out as she said, and spending money on them just because of the parents reaction

the other 8 girls who weren't invited may be just as upset... should she take them out too if all their parents come round complaining about it?

fine, have her round for a playdate, but I certainly wouldn't be making a big deal out of it or spending more money on her

Why the and the magicmummy1?I thought you all for reasoned response?

tbh, if i do 'make it up' by taking the girls out, it will in spite of, not because of the lift-share. they are very separate in my mind.

tbh, i would not change the decision that was made re the invite situation

Because I simply can't understand why an adult would react so badly to the lack of a party invitation.

Yes, I'd feel bad for my daughter if she was upset, but I'd use it as an opportunity to teach her that life is like that sometimes and you just have to accept it graciously. Nobody is obliged to invite you to anything.

The and faces were directed towards the vile parents of this child, tbh, rather than to you. No offence intended!

She obviously let her feelings get the better of her. Not ideal but, hey who's perfect. She's probably really embarrassed by the whole thing. That's why quite often in these situations it's easier to keep the peace and send the invite rather than do as the OP did, make a point and risk offending.

Agreed, and fwiw, I'd have invited the other child anyway. But that really doesn't excuse the reaction - from what the OP has said, it wasn't just one conversation which got rather over-heated, but a series of them. Surely if she was embarrassed, she'd have let it drop!!

Perhaps magicmummy1.

Good luck OP.

I wouldn't take the girl out to "make it up to her". You have nothing to make up to her.

I can see why people are saying you should have invited the girl, but I disagree. I over-ruled DS in a similar situation when he was 7, as I thought it would be rude not to invite the child, and regretted it because the other chld was a complete nightmare and spoiled the party - afterwards DH & I agreed if it is their party, they make the judgement and deciso on the gurst list - they know their friends and the dynamic of the group, and the fact that there is a convenience of lift sharing (or in our case, child-minder sharing) should not sway the issue.

I definitely would have invited the other girl - especially since it's obvious with the Xmas present situation that she and her mum think a lot of your dd, and 7 year old girls do get really upset over things like this, you must have realised she would be upset?

And, because it's always good to be on friendly terms with people you share lifts with.

I definitely wouldn't cancel your lift sharing with her over this - that would be really childish of you to make this into a bigger falling out than it is. And if you both live some way from school surely it might be better to be friendly with each other.

There is no dispute that the other mum was rude, and her ott 'family' thing is almost unhinged.
And if her dd is too dominant, it is no wonder that op's dd didn't choose to invite her.
BUT, I am shocked at how you all are under-estimating the significance of the liftsharing. I became friends with one of the mums in the other reception class. Our boys get on o.k. but she comes round for coffee regularly , and with our 2nd ds's, we then do the school run together. now the boys are better friends. and the 2nd ds's adore eachother having been forced to spend som much time together.
It is no surprsie to me that both the other dd and her mum and dad consider the school run time, and their general friendship as significant.
Clearly you don't. You need ot politely back off.

i do take your ponit, but it does not reflect our circs. at all.

we do not pop round or spend time over tea. ever.

our dds do not go to ANY out of school clubs together.

for pick ups, door bell rings, child comes out, hello-hi-bye, off we go. girls giggle, read, play games, test spellings in car. exactly same in reverse re drop-offs.

only phone calls btw parents are to change or confirm drop/picks.

thats it.

By 7, children have a really strong sense of who their friends are. Dd has a party on Saturday and hasn't invited the dd of one of my friends - they never speak at school and have nothing in common, despite me driving her to school on numerous occasions. If most of the other girls were coming, I'd insist, but as she's invited less than half, I feel no qualms. Dd sometimes doesn't get invited - such is life.

I will however take out dd and my friend's ds - maybe for soft play or food - as they get on well but one boy at an all girls party wouldn't work!

this thread is making me feel sick. i am not doing a party for dd, just having a few pals round after school for cake and games. i hate the idea that i 'should' invite everyone in her class.

you have my best db wishes. really.

but dont think anyone suggested all class should be invited. did that last year, hired hall and entertainment blah blah etc. dd had better time on sat.

hope your dd has a good one.