school mum called to rant why her dd not invited to my dd birthday. what to do?

[pissedoffpartymum]

in brief, we have mutual arrangement re sharing school run. dd invited 7 out of 16 girls in class. school run child not included.

school run dad asked my dd about it in car - date, time and lack of invite. he then me to ask the same. we both explained no big party, only few invited. school run child gets specific from my dd. then tells my dd that "weeeellll, me and my mum think your mum is a liar".

school run mum calls me to say her dd should have been included and not missed as her dd and mine are very close, and they consider my dd as family.

as far as im concerned the friendship has it ups and downs. not unusual. but other girls tries to dominate my dd - preventing others from joining games, getting my dd to ask for an invite to any playdates my dd is invited to etc. my dd said other girl not on list of invitees as often problems with the girl in group scenario. i say fine.

so, am pissed right off re parent questioning my dd, re girl telling my dd re 'liar' and re calls from parents.

so, do i still continue to let them take mine to school? my instincts say no, but recognise it may just be my initial (emotional) reaction. i would still be willing to take ans collect their dd. your thoughts pls.

tia

It definitely sounds like the other girl and her mother view your relationship in a different light than you and your dd do and the mother is quite aggressive about trying to pressure you into reciprocating.

If you don't want to be drawn into behaving as though they are closer friends than you feel inclined, I would be tempted to start putting a bit of distance between you.

QBEE - the OP's daughter might hate the idea of a craft party. She can have the party she wants.

Freshmint worded it nicely. If the school run being shared is a help to you - don't cancel unless it continues to get silly. Or you could invite this precious child for a special birthday tea with your DD. Just the 2 of them!

ok, thanks for all your replies.

party was on saturday. last call was this afternoon. it ended abruptly without agreement or understanding. i am due to collect their dd in the morning, but feel nervous about it.

And the dd asking if there was a present for her.

You are probably right Wimples

I had twenty 10 year olds doing a craft party at home last summer and it was quite traumatic lovely but I did a similar party for a mixed gender herd of five year olds which was enough to put me in a catatonic state more challenging so maybe I was hasty in my suggestion.

i just this all cringingly embarrassing tbh

Party was on Saturday or is on Saturday?

If it's this coming Saturday then I'd do this

^freshmint Tue 11-Jan-11 18:28:54
I think you say "My daughter was told she could choose 7 children for the party. She chose them. I'm sorry that your daughter wasn't in that group but it is not up to either you or me to make that decision for her. I'm sure there will be other occasions. I hope this won't affect our relationship."^

Don't feel bad, it is your daughters birthday and she gets to choose who she wants there - end of. It's not like she has invited the whole class and just left this one girl out.

That aside, the lift sharing is a convenience for the parents - not a friendship for the girls, if they are friends, great - if not - so be it.

However, I would tell DD that we'll continue with the lift sharing until say half term and see how it is by then, if it's too unpleasant then you'll knock it on the head.

The other mum probably responded in such an emotional way because her daughter would (I imagine) have felt very left out. I think I'd have invited the other girl in the first place tbh.

party was last saturday.

i have an alternative lift arrangement for my dd on standby. will cost me money i can little afford right now. but small price to pay in the long run?

dont wwant to make a rash decision though.

thanks again for all replies.

i am sorry the other girl felt left out. i really am. she clearly felt that way but so were 8 other little girls.

This particular little girl may feel she has a special relationship with your daughter because of the time they spend together in the car.

I think it was a bit mean not to invite lift sharing girl tbh

i find that odd tbh. our dds go to different out of school clubs and i wouldnt consider the time spent in the car to be of special significance.

If it comes up again, you simply use Freshmint's words in the past tense. and refuse to comment any further.

my thinking is that it would have been mean to have to not invite a closer friend in order to include this other girl - just because of a lift arrangement. no?

OMG! they sound slightly unhinged!

i would stop the lift sharing and steer clear!

Will aim to resolve a la Freshmint, and see what happens.

OK being totally honest I personally would have invited her, she pops to yours with Xmas gifts, they travel to school together..it just builds a connection and I just would have felt rotten excluding her. Even if she likes your DD more that vice versa girls often have these little fall outs you describe but a party is a party.

I would have probably chickened out and not confronted you but felt totally dreadful inside. They chose to be open and tell you how they felt about it, albeit dramatically and over emotionally but they obviously feel really hurt. It's done now and it will possibly affect your relationship and DDs journey to school, I just think it wasn't worth it for just a simple invite to a 7 yo birthday.

Hmmm... I normally take a dim view about getting political about birthday parties but as a mother of a nearly 7 year old I do think it was a little unfair not to invite this girl who your dd spends time with everyday.

I would have invited the lift-sharing girl. It seems odd that you didn't and I can understand them feeling it was a little personal (which it was by the sounds of things).

All the same, if I was her mother, I wouldn't have mentioned it to you probably.

wish id seen thread that other thread. could possibly have avoided this hoo-haa.

thanks again for all relpies - incl those in disagreement

I think you should have invited the other child, I'm surprised you didn't think that it was all going to cause alot of upset. Yes it's a political invite but life's like that sometimes. The other Mum is obviously very emotional over the whole thing - think I'd be upset if I were her but she has definitely behaved badly too...I think you should both go your separate ways and put the whole sorry business behind you.

I dont agree that you should have invited her as thats your decision - there was precious few places and someone will be left out.

I would however be careful about letting this issue get out of hand and cancelling car shares - you dont know how this could affect your daughter at school as this mum sounds a bit of a loony!!

Is it worth suggesting you have a birthday playdate where she can come for tea and smooth things over a little.