Actually, no, I don't think my son has ADHD, or sensory integration issues, or conduct disorder or behavioural 'problems'...

[WilfShelf]

...or any thing else that can be labelled and which individualises and medicalises the issue.

And the REAL issue is that there is a class of 30 children, and he is a little person who is different and he won't sit quietly like the girls (who are, after all, the 'model' for good behaviour in primary schools).

And the friendship dynamic with one particular group of children is dysfunctional and actually he is simply SAD because he can't feel like he has real friends and the school is not helping that.

And the recognition that he is a physical, creative person doesn't seem to fit the model of what a school child should be. The school seems to be becoming more rigid, more over-reactive: what to me seem quite 'normal' behaviour blips are being pursued with 'intervention'. I don't want it, and he doesn't need it.

Argh.

I live in a cultural desert: there is NO hope of finding a suitable alternative school, I need to work so can't home ed, so what do I do?

I'll see if I get find anything out as work in SEN school where teachers are on SEN +1 or 2.

Mindyou if they are unaware of it it could be a .

With regards to the OP, I know how you feel. My DS 6.2 is the same, he's able but struggles with writing unless its instruction text and that work had just got a 1A. He can't sit still, concentration is diabolical if any distraction occurs, and hates giving eye contact (or can't/won't I'm not sure). Struggles with playground polotics and often tells me he's played alone as so and so took his friend away and said he can't play . Even in Maths he can't sit still and yet with the practice tests they have done he's just got a 2B and a 2A . I have simply told the teacher that clearly he is like other children aceademically despite his obvious differences in the subjects and his 'difficulties' he suffers isn't affecting him as such. I am tho keeping an open mind about the future depending on how things progress.

Best of luck.

Wilf - how do you know your child doesn't have any SEN?

If 29 other kids can do what is expected of them and your child can't - isn't it valid to investigate SN?

If it was down to him being a boy, being 4, etc, etc - then the teacher would be used to handling with it and would be talking to half the parents. So - is it just you she is talking to?

I didn't understand that they were implying SN for my 4 year old because of behaviour like not sitting on the carpet. I thought they were totally mad - he was a 4 year old boy. Unforutnately I was wrong and school (who obviously have a lot more experience than me WRT 4 year old boys) was right. And my son was 9 before I got a very helpful diagnosis of ASD.

If I had listened (and school had communicated better) than we could have had that very helpful dx 4 years earlier.

Is it not a positive thing that the school are trying to help rather than just ignoring it or writing him off as poorly behaved?

No-one likes to hear negative things about their children but is it possible that they are trying to help your physical and creative DS to have a happier time whilst in their care?

ColdComfortFarm, if you cannot give polite answers, why join the talk then?

!That sort of ignorant crap pisses me right off, and adds to this awful culture where parents whose children have a diagnosis are widely assumed to be milking the system for their own selfish purposes."

Did I say that ColdComfortFarm, "for their own selfsih purposes"? You are twisting my comment.

I am writing what I have heard and I have mentioned about it in my first comment. I have heard about it.

BrigitBigKnickers, it looks as I have got it wrong because I had heard it from the other parents. Thanks to mrz she has clarified a lot.

any drama groups locally? or martial arts? something to help him to embrace self-control and develop impulse-curbing ?

sending love as always x x x

hi Lenin

some issues are almost universal, yes?

eg my youngest (8) is an inveterate chatterbox and had the shock of his life when he found that

1 New (male) teacher will not tolerate this (GOOD !!) and hence

2 Not everyone can be charmed

yes indeed

Wilf, I really understand exactly where you are coming from on this one, it is exactly how I felt for years and years. I don't want my son labelled and prodded and be made to feel different. I gave in when he was 9 as school were gently propelling me towards it as he wasn't achieving as they thought he could achieve. He has various 'labels' now which I hate but what he also has is lots of help and a lot of little pieces of equipment(like blue tack on his desk!) recommended by a brilliant OT and for the first time he is flying! I have real tears in my eyes now at the transformation in the standard of his work. I also have tears that I denied him this help for six years by refusing to have a 'label' for my beautiful individual (fidgety!) boy.

I can completely understand what you are saying, but IndigoBell is right. I too thought that my child was a bright, funny square peg etc, but eventually realised that actually, for all the other 29 children's faults the teacher was only talking to me after school.

My DS is in yr2 and we have just had a OT assesment and it was completely eye-opening. Despite DS being an excellent reader she has suggested that he is reviewed by a behavioural optomitist. Never in a million years would I have guessed that he had a problem with his vision that was impeding his performance in class, destroying his self-esteem in the process

Maybe ask if the teacher could start a home-school book in which they document any incidents. This gives you the opportunity to see their concerns and put them into context?

He's Dyspraxic or DCD as they sometimes call it and ASD, and to be honest now he has help for it and we see the consultant regularly I have a lot of do'h moments, when moments of his individuality make a lot more sense! In the classroom he has a special cushion on his seat to give him feedback on his 'place in space' (proprioception??!?) and his teacher would fight you to the ground rather than let you take it away it's made such a difference. I know it helps him a lot, but it's also easier for her if he's not sliding down in his chair and accidentally kicking the other children as his shoes fly off and he tries to retrieve them!

No answers but you have my sympathy OP. My ds's behavioural problems are confined to school and school issues (eg homework). He behaves beautifully at the various out of school activities he does but apparently his poor behaviour is due to me being a single parent and not disciplining him. At least that is what the school SENCO and deputy head told me this week. The assumptions they made about my life were so cartoonish as to be rather funny, had it not distracted the purpose of the meeting - to discuss ds's behaviour in school.

Felt like saying they have no fucking clue what they are talking about and are talking out of their arses. I didn't as I only swear on MN and that is very occasionally.

I am going down the Ed Psych route to show them it is more about the lack of inspirational teaching than any real issue with ds. Even then I have had to fight for a referral and given the SENCO a deadline to provide me with a written report. I am a lawyer so being bolshy is what I do for a living but god its such a battle.

Just seen IndigoBell's post and agree completely, I too spent a lot of time being cross about them expecting him to be able to sit on the carpet, do you think it's a universal test that no one has told us about and that's why they make children sit on the floor for a story! We should be told.

And Wilf, I hope you are not feeling picked on here, it's just something we have all experienced and dealt with in our own ways already. Is this your eldest child, with hindsight (better known as two more boys) I can see how DS1's behaviour is different. And honestly they are not trying to 'label' or push you child to 'conform', just to help. Nor am I saying your child needs help or a label (I'm going to tie myself up in knots here!) but that IMHE teachers are trying to help not cause problems.

I ignored a teacher who told me DD was displaying certain traits. She said DD didn't take a lead from other children and seemed to think that instructions don't apply to her, another teacher said she didn't listen. This was yr 2 and reception. I often wonder what would have happened if I hadn't ignored the comments.

As others have said if 28 children in a class behave in a certain way and the teacher is pointing out that your DS is different it might be something to take notice of. In hindsight I would have looked into it as she was difficut at home.

It's nothing to be ashamed of.

Does anyone have any idea what DD's teacher might have been trying to tell me all those years ago. Sorry to hijack.

MollieO I would have said that my DS's issues were all school based also - but that wouldn't be unreasonable as the noise of the classroom drives him to distraction, he is struggling with looking between a board and paper (and dealing with all the other movement within the environment).

It's just that knowing some of the other boys in Ds's class are awfully behaved (both in and out of class), and their parents are not being spoken to about SEN. In fact I'm pleased that DS hasn't been written off as just a naughty boy. Does that make any sense?

Ds has been assessed by the SENCO as having visual sequential memory problems (one eg of which is having difficulty copying from the board). Despite this the SENCO now says that ds has an attitude problem and that is why he won't do his school work. His attitude problem is because of my lack of parental discipline. Apparently I don't tell him off, don't get him to sit and do his homework, keep him up past a reasonable bedtime to have company for me in the evenings etc etc. This is what the SENCO told me in our meeting. None of it has the slightest amount of truth. I was completely [shocked] by what she said and rendered practically speechless. I guess that was the intention - to deflect the focus of the meeting from ds's issues being down to poor teaching.

An interesting point of comparision for me is ds does an activity out of school where he is in the same class size that he has at school and is expected to concentrate, behave and learn. The fact that he is a model pupil makes me realise that he is not engaged with learning in school and that is all about the teaching rather than parenting.

that should be

Are you actually qualified to say that your child doesn't have any issues?

How would you feel if a little bit down the line you found out he did, maybe only minor ones but ones that could have been dealt with in a manner befitting to whatever those issues were?

What I am trying to say is we all think ours kids are perfet but maybe they are not and listening to someone who obviously experiences lots and lots of behavioural differences in kids maybe something you should do rather than just dismissing her out of hand.