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Preteens

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Original poster

Innapropriate messages

72 replies

IamAporcupine · 30/07/2023 04:02

DS is 11. He got his first phone only 2 months ago and was not bothered at all. Didn't even use it for a month, but he recently started chatting to his 'girlfried'. It went from zero to almost being glued to the phone.

Tonight I was installing an app and saw a message that looked odd, so I checked the conversation.

This girl has been sending him increasingly explicit messages. The last one being 'I want you to fuck me' and 'Cum in my mouth'.

I must admit we were extremely naive and did not set clear rules (eg checking messages etc) from the beginning, so he will probably feel that I invaded his privacy. I don't think I have any options really as this is totally inapropriate, but I am so shocked I do not know how to deal with it.

Has anyone been a similar situation?
This is not normal sexual development for an 11yo, is it?!

OP posts:
Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 30/07/2023 04:05

That is unusual. I would talk to him about it, and put as many blocking devices on his phone as you can. I would give him the opportunity to ask her to stop sending the messages, if it doesn’t stop give him the option of blocking her or losing his phone.

Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 30/07/2023 04:06

What does he write back?

queenofthebongo · 30/07/2023 04:12

Is she also 11?

I would actually contact school as that is quite worrying behaviour and language. Even in the holidays the dsl would be contactable.

Original poster
IamAporcupine · 30/07/2023 04:37

Thank you all

@Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie Yes, I will block everything, but I cannot do anything about the contect of the chat, unless, as you say, he asks her.

It started with: 'I want you here with me' and 'I want you to kiss me'. His first reactions were 'oh' and 'wow'. He changed the subject and kept asking her 'so what do you want to talk about?'. I could tell that he was surprised and did nto know how to react, but he likes her so I magine that that he found it exciting too?
His reply to the explicit ones (yesterday and tonight) was 'holy shit' and later on he said 'but we are 11'

@queenofthebongo Yes, she is also 11.
I did not think of contacting school, but there were other things that worried me about her

OP posts:
Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 30/07/2023 04:42

I know absolutely nothing about technology, but you only give ds messenger kids to use for chatting with friends?

Annaishere · 30/07/2023 04:49

Oh my god no that’s so innapropriate for 11 year olds ! I would say he can’t date her !

Original poster
IamAporcupine · 30/07/2023 04:49

Yes, this was all via whatsup
he does not have access to any other social media app (no tik tok, no snapchat etc)

OP posts:
Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 30/07/2023 04:53

Is WhatsApp one you can monitor?

I would really do my best to end the relationship. Screenshot the messages and go to the school.

Wouldlovetobeinthesun · 30/07/2023 06:01

What on earth do you think school will do? It's summer holidays so even if they did intervene, it won't be for several weeks.

Why haven't you contacted her parents? They are both 11 so regardless of what he thinks, how would you feel if it was him sending the messages? Wouldn't you want to know?

Ollifer · 30/07/2023 06:04

Jesus Christ, that's really explicit talk for 11 years old. I'd be having a chat with her parents!

Eachpeachpears · 30/07/2023 06:07

She's crossing the line. From the sounds of it your poor Ds is in shock and doesn't know what to say in response. I think talk to him about it t, making it clear he's done nothing wrong. Explain you have a responsibility to raise this with the girls parents or school to protect all involved. Then discuss how he can move forward with this in an appropriate way for his age eg. Asking her to stop.

HeadacheEarthquake · 30/07/2023 06:13

I think at 11 years old, privacy is for his room/bathroom but you have every right to monitor his online activity and this is PRECISELY why.

This girl is obviously not okay either, if she thinks that's appropriate, funny or expected of her, or it could even be a bit bullying to try and embarrass him.

He may well be relieved if you intervene, don't let the poor kid handle this himself and I know this goes without saying but it's important he doesn't feel blamed. Support your young man, please xx

Yoyoban · 30/07/2023 06:18

I agree you should report it (since you don't know where, how, or by whom, she's been exposed to this kind of language, I would go to safeguarding rather than her parents).

If you can't contact your school DSL, contact your local authority's child protection team.

Annaishere · 30/07/2023 06:19

The girl could just think this is how she’s meant to talk to boys. It doesn’t necessarily indicate anything sinister

Yoyoban · 30/07/2023 06:35

But WHY would an 11 year old think this is how to talk to boys. At the very least she's accessed or heard some very age-inappropriate material - which could be very damaging at that age - not least because she now thinks that's an appropriate way to talk to boys. Who else might she say it to and what kind of situation might that result in?

And the point is the op doesn't KNOW what it indicates which is why contacting safeguarding is appropriate so they can determine what it indicates.

FedUpMumof10YO · 30/07/2023 06:35

I have a nearly 11 yo girl and seriously she'd be grounded forever!!

I think you should speak to parents. Show them the messages.

mumlovesvodka · 30/07/2023 06:39

Annaishere · 30/07/2023 06:19

The girl could just think this is how she’s meant to talk to boys. It doesn’t necessarily indicate anything sinister

Why would any 11 year think this is appropriate?

She has got this language from somewhere and that needs to be addressed. They are 11

sweatynoob · 30/07/2023 06:39

Are you sure it’s an 11 year old girl? Does she attend the same school? Kids these days unfortunately write all sorts without knowing what it means however this seems incredibly extreme

UnaVaca · 30/07/2023 06:40

You gave an 11 year old a phone and haven’t been checking it?

Jk987 · 30/07/2023 06:47

This is really shocking. She's 11! Is she a real person who your son has met at school or somewhere?
If not I'd think it was a sexual predator. You should stop all contact, no negotiation

Jk987 · 30/07/2023 06:51

Annaishere · 30/07/2023 06:19

The girl could just think this is how she’s meant to talk to boys. It doesn’t necessarily indicate anything sinister

Of course it's sickening! Assuming she's a real person, she's got the language from somewhere which is very disturbing.

imnotthatkindofmum · 30/07/2023 07:06

Please contact the school and let them know. They can deal with parents etc. it could be a one off, it could be a pattern of behaviour they are already tracking.

It's ok to read your 11 year olds messages. Just tell him you did and will be doing it going forward and discuss why it's inappropriate and that you're protecting her too. Make it clear it's to protect him from things he doesn't know how to deal with.

If he wants to write something privately buy him
a journal.

Original poster
IamAporcupine · 30/07/2023 08:43

sweatynoob · 30/07/2023 06:39

Are you sure it’s an 11 year old girl? Does she attend the same school? Kids these days unfortunately write all sorts without knowing what it means however this seems incredibly extreme

Yes, she is from his class.

OP posts:
Original poster
IamAporcupine · 30/07/2023 08:54

Annaishere · 30/07/2023 06:19

The girl could just think this is how she’s meant to talk to boys. It doesn’t necessarily indicate anything sinister

I did think this at first, but where is the language coming from?!

OP posts:
LaMadameCholet · 30/07/2023 08:57

You must contact the DSL at his school, please. They will still be contactable in the holidays. The school website should make clear who that is.